How do we deal with a bully in our group?

Shelflife, I love your Dad.

Please be careful you could put the bullied person in a awkward position if you intervene.
Does the bullied one rely (wrongly) on this bully for company, does she have low self esteem? Could one of you invite the bullied one out for coffee without her so called friend?
Please be careful not to make the bullied one embarrased by calling out her vile friend.
The poor lady sounds like she is used to being bullied and just accept it. I feel so sorry for her.

Bullies don't always collapse when confronted in my experience. They might subside & come back again worse.

All the same in this situation I agree with stitch in time, say something fairly light but very clear in the group. Yes it will be embarrassing for the victim, but in the long run better for her than accepting nasty comments all the time from someone who's supposed to be her friend & having to tread on eggshells when she's supposed to be out to relax & enjoy herself.

What about saying .. Gosh ! Are you always so rude

People have only the power that you give them. Bullies invariably collapse when confronted.

You are all adults , able to make your own choices.

Toxic's "target" chooses to spend time with Toxic. Target could avoid the situation if she found it intolerable, she doesn't.

Bear in mind that some people seek and enjoy that kind of submissive/ dominant relationship... and an audience.

You too, can choose whether to spend time in their scenario with Toxic and Target. together. Nobody's making you do it.

You could just tell them all " I've decided to drop out of our foursome outings . Stay in touch, I'm still up for meeting a friend for lunch or theatre. "

Very wise of your father Shelflife
There is a saying along the lines of -
‘People treat us how we allow them to treat us.’

Witzend

Astitchintime

I would be inclined to call the bully out in the group the moment she makes her first comment…….something like:
“Oh dear xxxxx, you do this every time we go out, I don’t know why zzzzz puts up with your constant bullying and jibes”!
Then see what the reaction is. This person isn’t nice, they’re an abusive bully and if this happens every time the four of you meet up I have to wonder what goes on between the two of them when they’re alone.

This is what I’d do, too.

I suspect the bully will drop out of the group taken the one she's bullying with her.

I know how hard it is , but your friend will only have to stand up to her once and the bullying will stop. When. Was very young ( 15) and in my first full time job I was bullied by a much older member of staff. No matter how hard I tried to please she continued her vendetta!! Nothing I did was right . I went home one day and burst into tears , my lovely Dad said " she is doing this because you are allowing it, tomorrow tell her in no uncertain terms it stops now" I went to work the next day and of course the bully was at me again. I screwed up my courage and did as my Dad had advised - she never troubled me again. I found this very difficult because I had been brought up to respect adults !
Please pass this advice on to your friend and let her know you will stand by her ( metaphorically and physically) while she does this.
She has the power to stop this bully!

This is very unpleasant for all of you. And I too agree with
astitchintime
We had a similar problem in our group a few years back.
Eventually the one on the receiving end of bullying left .
I feel a bit guilty that we didn't try hard enough to stop it, although we certainly did try.
Covid broke us all up eventually.

Astitchintime

I would be inclined to call the bully out in the group the moment she makes her first comment…….something like:
“Oh dear xxxxx, you do this every time we go out, I don’t know why zzzzz puts up with your constant bullying and jibes”!
Then see what the reaction is. This person isn’t nice, they’re an abusive bully and if this happens every time the four of you meet up I have to wonder what goes on between the two of them when they’re alone.

This is what I’d do, too.

I think I would try to get the bullied person on her own and then sound her out a bit about the other one’s behaviour.

If it’s not possible to do this at your get-together then I would probably consider phoning her later.

It’s not easy as the important thing is to not embarrass the quiet one.

True friends don't put you down, or make fun of you in a cruel way. I agree with keepingquiet, which is NOT keeping quiet at all, but by focusing on the friend and showing that you genuinely would like to chat with her. I'd try that and if you then feel you're not really enjoying meeting any more, perhaps find yourself very busy.

After something like 50 years I finally said to an ex-colleague and now ex-friend, 'I think perhaps it's time we said goodbye.' Always right about everything, critical of my hair, ('Women our age shouldn't have long hair.),where I shopped, (The price of things in M&S, would never buy anything from JL etc.)

Other friends used to say, 'Are you sure she's your friend?' Don't get me wrong, she could be very kind and generous and that's largely why I accepted that was just the way she was.

Until one day she criticised someone in my family and I knew that was the end. I haven't missed her either, so it was the right thing.

It will be a pity if you can't enjoy the group company any longer.

I agree with Keepingquiet, ignore the bully and make a point of praising / drawing out the quiet one, esp taking her part / agreeing with her when she is criticised. And perhaps avoid the word bully which sounds a bit too much like the workplace.

Astitchintime

I would be inclined to call the bully out in the group the moment she makes her first comment…….something like:
“Oh dear xxxxx, you do this every time we go out, I don’t know why zzzzz puts up with your constant bullying and jibes”!
Then see what the reaction is. This person isn’t nice, they’re an abusive bully and if this happens every time the four of you meet up I have to wonder what goes on between the two of them when they’re alone.

I'd agree with this approach personally.

One does wonder why the victim has obviously put up with this for some time - but maybe somehow she doesnt recognise what is happening and/or has been telling herself that she must be mistaken/her friend wouldnt be treating her that way. Sometimes one incident created by a bully can help slam someone's eyes open to what they are like - at the least it will "sow a seed of resistance".

But someone else standing up and calling out the bully might help the "victim" to see more clearly what is happening and start to gather up some courage to deal with BullyGal.

Friends are supposed to be nurturing and praise the other persons good points and certainly not "have a go" at regular intervals.

How does the friend who is being bullied feel? If you intervene on her behalf she may well come out in support of the bully, saying she doesn't mind, remains quiet for the rest of the evening , and the result is an unpleasant atmosphere.

It is difficult, because the bullying will continue and is spoiling evenings for you. How does the other person in the group feel, and how well do you know bully and 'friend'; has it always been like this?

Yes she was her boss and maybe this has something to do with it. The bully always bullying and the bullied accepting it.

I do not think you can speak for another person unless they have asked you too or you have discussed this with them first. She may find your defence of her more embarrassing than her friend’s criticism.

What you are able to do is speak for how it makes you feel within the group “ I sometimes don’t want to come on these evenings.” “I feel really uneasy…”

There is a difference

I agree with Astitchintime . People like that get away with it because no-one calls them out, so they assume it is acceptable behaviour.

I know someone who was in such a relationship. They had known each other over forty years but one day it all ended over a small matter.
It seems these two are trapped in roles they have assumed over the years.
I wouldn't tackle the bully at all but focus my attention on the other person, who you say sits quietly and says nothing.
Compliment her clothes, her choice of food and drink. Ask her questions about her week, her holidays, her family.
This will turn the attention away from the bully without being confrontational.
This post has been all about the abuser and not about the abused. Make the switch...

They worked together?

Is this why perhaps? Was the bullying friend in a more senior position, and always had ‘control’ over her colleague, which has carried on into later years? And the friend just accepts it?

Not saying it’s acceptable or right, but just an explanation maybe.

🤷‍♀️

I would be inclined to call the bully out in the group the moment she makes her first comment…….something like:
“Oh dear xxxxx, you do this every time we go out, I don’t know why zzzzz puts up with your constant bullying and jibes”!
Then see what the reaction is. This person isn’t nice, they’re an abusive bully and if this happens every time the four of you meet up I have to wonder what goes on between the two of them when they’re alone.

Its abuse and is not a joke.

What does the fourth member of the group think ?
personally I d call her out on it in front of the group but
I d do it in a jokey way ‘’oh stop being a big bully’ or ‘ how do you put up with her’ it might be enough to make them both think but if not as they are both probably in the habit of their roles then speak personally to the bullied one to see what she wants and be prepared that she may be ok with it as she has been friends for years and does things with the bully outside the group so can’t be too uncomfortable with her

This is wrong, I would take the bully to one side and ask why she brings her friend as she obviously doesn't like her and you find her constanf jibes upsetting, by the way she's not great at all, just false and you need different friends.