Estranged from DD can I contact DGD?

If you contact her you will always know you tried. Now she is an adult and away from home she may now decide to meet or correspond with you. If not you tried.

Gr8dame

So much help and support - thank you all for your invaluable input.
I decided to reach out to my DD and am very happy to have received a conciliatory reply from her suggesting that we all meet briefly during the summer holidays before the September term starts 😊.

Nice result.

Great news Gr8dame I hope it goes well .

If it is the only way of contacting her, I would do it. Expect nothing. She is an adult and can make her own decisions. Her mother will have had to justify why she was out of contact however, so you won’t be in a good light. I would say how proud of her you feel and that you have always thought of her. I think the truth always comes out eventually. However much I thought of my mother I would have to find out for myself. Good luck.

Oh that’s excellent news😎. You must be delighted. Have a great time.

So much help and support - thank you all for your invaluable input.
I decided to reach out to my DD and am very happy to have received a conciliatory reply from her suggesting that we all meet briefly during the summer holidays before the September term starts 😊.

Beautiful Hilltop
Never ever give up

What a lovely outcome Hilltop

It is lovely, Smileless, it took time and a no rush campaign from me over a few years. Carefully chosen birthday cards but not too pushy with contacting. Actually have met up and that idea came from grandchild. I wasn't too hopeful at the start but it has been such joy.
You don't know what will happen OP, it's certainly worth a try

Oh that's lovely Hilltop and just shows that we never know what the future may hold .

Contact her if you can. She may not reply now, but it might give her something to think about. If you don't get a response try again in a few months when she has had time.
After about fifteen years, I'm recently happily in touch with a grandchild but not with its father who estranged me.

I think if you really want you can send one email/postcard whatever. One. And then let it sit. And I’d make sure that I was prepared for any response before doing so. Presumably she loves her parents and will be on their side. I know that when my own kids reached adulthood my long estranged mil tried several times to reach out and every single one of our kids ignored her. Until our youngest , who had no memory of her whatsoever only the stories of her theyd gotten from their siblings who sadly did remember her - the youngest - I’m told by her sisters - told her in no uncertain terms to never reach out again. I didn’t hear about this until long after the fact . So I’d make sure you were prepared for a solid “go away” as much as anything else to guard one’s own feelings.

I suppose she may also be at the end of the course...
I had stupidly thought she was just starting- but I see from a more careful reading that she is attending where in my head I'd thought "going to attend"

Yes. Lots of 4 year and longer courses but some postgraduate researchers appear on the website itself.

NotSpaghetti

As she's 22 is she a research student?

Not so unusual nowadays to be 22. Many students do extended courses including an MA or MSc, or longer degrees including a time spent in work placements.

As she's 22 is she a research student?

Shortbreadandkilts

I don’t like the idea of trying to contact her on a uni email address. It’s something that feels more professional than a personal one and to me a bit invasive. Ultimately it’s your decision of course.

This was my thought to be honest. It's too impersonal. I would send a letter if I needed to but not at this juncture.

And so much happens at the beginning of a year that I think anything stands a high chance of disappearing anyway.

I think your brain is way away from family when you go to university.
Not sure it's a good time ...

Others may know better.

I would try the Uni email as has been suggested. Even though we are approaching the holidays students will still be getting emails on that address for all sorts of reasons.

I know of several people previously estranged from family members who have rekindled relationships with other family members. Give it a whirl. Good luck.

AmberGran

I think contacting the GD while estranged from DD may be leading to a whole new problem when DD finds out. GD may go against the wishes of her mum if she remembers her gran affectionately, but the likelihood is that DD will use this as proof that her own mother can't be trusted and is out to cause trouble in the family. I would assume that if DD did not mind them being in contact she would have made contact possible earlier.

If GD has just started Uni then she is only just 18 - much depends on her relationship with her own mother, of course.

OP’s daughter, like those of us here, is now the parent of an adult. Granddaughter is 22. This means granddaughter is entitled to make her own choices. It could end as you say, or it may not. The main point is that having adult offspring, however young, means we have to let them decide relationships for themselves. There are so many estrangements rooted in parents trying to control the choices of their adult sons and daughters. We don’t have to agree with their decisions. It’s their life. We don’t have to approve of the company they choose to keep. We just have to recognize their rights to make these decisions as adults. The OP should of course tread carefully because she may not get a warm response or any at all. But it is that reason which should make her proceed with caution, not the possibility of her daughter being controlling toward the granddaughter. Ultimately we can only control ourselves.

I’ve just thought on what Devorgilla said, given that it’s the end of June, there won’t be any students in university until September now, they will have broken up for the summer. If you email, there’s a good chance your granddaughter won’t access her account for some weeks, or at all if she graduated this year.

Gr8dame has said her GD is 22 this year AmberGran and I think anyone whose estranged their parent(s) should be aware that when their own children are old enough, they may decide to trace their own GP's or their GP's may try to trace them.

A lot of GC lose their GP's because their parent(s) estrange them and refuse to allow them to see their children. At 22 this year, she's old enough to make her own decisions and I hope that whatever she decides, it's what she wants and not her mother.

I think contacting the GD while estranged from DD may be leading to a whole new problem when DD finds out. GD may go against the wishes of her mum if she remembers her gran affectionately, but the likelihood is that DD will use this as proof that her own mother can't be trusted and is out to cause trouble in the family. I would assume that if DD did not mind them being in contact she would have made contact possible earlier.

If GD has just started Uni then she is only just 18 - much depends on her relationship with her own mother, of course.

I'm with the posters who advise contacting her. She is an adult and can make her own mind up. As suggested, keep it short and pleasant congratulating her and wishing her the best for the future. I'd write if you know the campus/hall she is in. As others have advised, be prepared for rejection and, possibly, your DD wading in as well. At 22, she may well be graduating this year. Good luck.

It is most unlikely that a note will find her, unless you know the exact course she's taking, in which case address it to Granddaughter, c/o chief administrator (or Course Leader) for BA in Fine Art or whatever, and even then, don't take no reply as meaning she has received it and ignored it.

Email is more likely to get through, particularly if her name is Ermintrude Higginbottom-Smythe and not Laura Smith, but even that is not a given.

Good luck if you decide to contact her.

She may, Smileless2012, I just think that the chance of that being the case is less if her granddaughter doesn’t remember her at all, particularly if she has a happy home life with her mother.

Not necessarily Casdon, the OP's GD may welcome the opportunity to get to know the GM she maybe never met or has no memory of.