Estranged from DD can I contact DGD?

My advice is don't. If your granddaughter wanted to contact you she will. She's an adult and can make her own decisions. You are estranged from your daughter. You don't say how many years therefore you have no idea what your daughter has told her about you . For all you know she might have said you don't want anything to do with her or are dead .

Best leave her to make her own decisions as you will open yourself to be hurt more than you are .

Whiffs advice is good, but if you do want to try to get in touch I think people find others on Facebook.
It’s a risk you will have to judge for yourself because as whiff says you don’t know what she has been told by her mother, the reason why she didn’t see you.
Have you thought about trying to contact your daughter?

I am neither encouraging you to make contact nor counselling against, as there are so many variables and it has to be your decision, but if you decide that you want to contact her, most university emails are in the form of [email protected]. So [email protected] as an example.

It’s not foolproof as if there are others with the same name adjustments need to be made, so keep any first approach very simple, as it may not reach your GD but go to someone else.

May be an unpopular opinion but my vote is yes, contact her once. She is an adult. She can make her own decisions and run her own relationships. If she doesn’t want contact she can tell you so and you will have closure. On the off chance that she is open to contact, it could be the best decision you’ve made in years.

However, that doesn’t mean I think you should delve into the rift with her mother at all. I would not even mention it. Feeling the urge to tell your side can very well be received as you trying to alienate her from her mother. Just tell her you love her, you’ve always thought of her, and that you hope she is well. Keep it short and simple. The ball will be in her court.

Finding people in the day and age of social media is not hard with a little effort. Just think carefully about all possible outcomes before acting. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst, as they say. Decide ahead of time if your heart can handle a negative reaction. Think it through.

It's a tricky one. I would say, though, that I've contacted (by email) a couple of people - not estranged, but not seen or spoken to for many years - and been pleasantly surprised by their friendly response.

I kept my message simple so that they could ignore it or reject me if they wished. I'd suggest, if you do try contacting your GD, that you tell her you're proud that she's at uni and you'd be pleased to exchange news if she'd like to.

It's worth a try, but be prepared for rejection or a long wait for a reply.

If you know her full name could you send a short note or postcard in an envelope to the university.
Emily Caroline Smethurst
Student
Ivory Towers University
Big town.

That's what I think I'd try.
Hello Emily this is your grandma. Just wanted to wish you well with your studies. hope you are enjoying your course.
And well done on getting there. Must be a lot of work.
I never got beyond cse.
All the best. Grandma Pat.
With your email and phone No.

Then you can feel thatvyou tried. But steel yourself to expect nothing.

I would definitely try to contact your granddaughter via the University. What harm can it do and, who knows, it may lead to contact with your DD too. Good luck!

I was in your situation.
My eldest DD, with the assistance of her very unpleasant husband, is estranged from the entire family. I have 3 GD's I do not see and when the eldest went to University I saw it as a chance to make contact and perhaps build bridges. I wrote her a short letter without any mention or apportioning blame for the current upsetting situation and just saying how proud I was of her and wishing her well. I received a very blunt and frankly upsetting letter in return. It turned the knife in an already open wound.
You have to accept that she will have heard a one-sided story from her Mum which probably does not show you in a very good light. She will have based an opinion on you from this. As an adult she is free to make her own choices but it has to be on her terms. Who knows, she may be in touch one day but it has to come from her and not you. I know you have the best intentions but don't do it, for your wellbeing, really.

I agree with BlessedArt. At 22 she's old enough to make her own decisions. GC lose their GP's through no fault of their own and she may welcome you getting in touch.

You could write a letter; I think welbeck's suggested content would be just right. If she doesn't respond at least you'll know that you tried.

I hope it works out for you Gr8dame, maybe you could let us know of the outcome.

Good luck .

I would definitely contact her. She might be waiting for you to contact her. Hope it works out for both of you 🥰

I m with BlessedArt on this one hold your hand out to her in a very simple message of good luck and I think something on Welbecks lines to say is fine
Its a chance, a small chance, but do gear yourself up that you might not hear back, but if you do what a wonderful breakthrough
Keep it simple and cross your fingers
Very, very, very good luck

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I would contact her via the uni as others have suggested. A short note - congrats, pleased for her etc and just add that you'd like to keep in contact with her if she's agreeable.
You may be in for a big disappointment as you never know what she's been told in the intervening years but it's a chance for you to get to know each other and nothing ventured nothing gained. Good luck!

I don’t like the idea of trying to contact her on a uni email address. It’s something that feels more professional than a personal one and to me a bit invasive. Ultimately it’s your decision of course.

I think it depends whether your granddaughter will have any memory of you or not. If she was already a teenager when your daughter and you became estranged, she will probably welcome contact more than if the estrangement happened when she was a tiny child. If the latter, I would have thought that she is much less likely to reconnect with you, as you are a stranger to her and she will only have her mother’s view of you as her reference point.

Not necessarily Casdon, the OP's GD may welcome the opportunity to get to know the GM she maybe never met or has no memory of.

She may, Smileless2012, I just think that the chance of that being the case is less if her granddaughter doesn’t remember her at all, particularly if she has a happy home life with her mother.

It is most unlikely that a note will find her, unless you know the exact course she's taking, in which case address it to Granddaughter, c/o chief administrator (or Course Leader) for BA in Fine Art or whatever, and even then, don't take no reply as meaning she has received it and ignored it.

Email is more likely to get through, particularly if her name is Ermintrude Higginbottom-Smythe and not Laura Smith, but even that is not a given.

Good luck if you decide to contact her.

I'm with the posters who advise contacting her. She is an adult and can make her own mind up. As suggested, keep it short and pleasant congratulating her and wishing her the best for the future. I'd write if you know the campus/hall she is in. As others have advised, be prepared for rejection and, possibly, your DD wading in as well. At 22, she may well be graduating this year. Good luck.

I think contacting the GD while estranged from DD may be leading to a whole new problem when DD finds out. GD may go against the wishes of her mum if she remembers her gran affectionately, but the likelihood is that DD will use this as proof that her own mother can't be trusted and is out to cause trouble in the family. I would assume that if DD did not mind them being in contact she would have made contact possible earlier.

If GD has just started Uni then she is only just 18 - much depends on her relationship with her own mother, of course.

Gr8dame has said her GD is 22 this year AmberGran and I think anyone whose estranged their parent(s) should be aware that when their own children are old enough, they may decide to trace their own GP's or their GP's may try to trace them.

A lot of GC lose their GP's because their parent(s) estrange them and refuse to allow them to see their children. At 22 this year, she's old enough to make her own decisions and I hope that whatever she decides, it's what she wants and not her mother.

I’ve just thought on what Devorgilla said, given that it’s the end of June, there won’t be any students in university until September now, they will have broken up for the summer. If you email, there’s a good chance your granddaughter won’t access her account for some weeks, or at all if she graduated this year.

AmberGran

I think contacting the GD while estranged from DD may be leading to a whole new problem when DD finds out. GD may go against the wishes of her mum if she remembers her gran affectionately, but the likelihood is that DD will use this as proof that her own mother can't be trusted and is out to cause trouble in the family. I would assume that if DD did not mind them being in contact she would have made contact possible earlier.

If GD has just started Uni then she is only just 18 - much depends on her relationship with her own mother, of course.

OP’s daughter, like those of us here, is now the parent of an adult. Granddaughter is 22. This means granddaughter is entitled to make her own choices. It could end as you say, or it may not. The main point is that having adult offspring, however young, means we have to let them decide relationships for themselves. There are so many estrangements rooted in parents trying to control the choices of their adult sons and daughters. We don’t have to agree with their decisions. It’s their life. We don’t have to approve of the company they choose to keep. We just have to recognize their rights to make these decisions as adults. The OP should of course tread carefully because she may not get a warm response or any at all. But it is that reason which should make her proceed with caution, not the possibility of her daughter being controlling toward the granddaughter. Ultimately we can only control ourselves.