Do you share financial derails with your partner?

Madgran77

It sounds to me like a very "traditional" arrangement from many years ago. I remember my mum telling me that when my parents married she expected the same arrangement as her parents had ...her mother was handed housekeeping every week and had no idea beyond that of the finances. However my dad (clearly well ahead of his time I think) flatly refused that arrangement. They had a joint bank account; his earnings went in and Mum took out what she needed as did he, after agreed monthly outgoings were accounted for. This was 1945.

Sounds quite normal to me too for my parents. All accounts were in my father's name although my mother had a cheque book and could use it if she needed to - don't think she ever did. She preferred to have cash in her hands, and my father went to the bank to get it out. She knew his salary though and where the money went and she could have gone to the bank if she wanted to but didn't want to. The only one controlling what she was doing was her.

Depends on how financially savvy one is. My DH has no idea about money so I have total control. If I didn’t we’d have been sleeping on the streets long ago. I will add that he is wonderful in other ways.

We pool all our income just as my parents did. Separate ISAs and savings accounts for tax reasons only, with the same balances.
Nice and simple.

We kept individual and set up a joint account from which all household expenditure was paid.
I find it unusual for people born in the 1940s and 50’s not to have had similar arrangements.
All my friends and family had both parents working, some couples agreed one or both parents might work part time when the children were young,
My parents were 1922 and 1923 dobs. Mum never worked outside the home. Dad was ambitious, successful as his work involved frequent moves of home, mum held everything together on the domestic front. It worked well for them. Dad died. Mum had no idea of their income, his work pension, any savings. She’d never written a cheque or set up direct debits, luckiky she’d three daughters to help.
When my husband died, I found the Sadmin a challenge. I was so sad and bereaved. I can’t imagine how much harder it would have been if I’d no experience of managing banks and bills

I don’t, but he knows where to find them if he needs to. I look after all things financial rather than depending on the man of the house.

My MiL had a similar arrangement with my FiL. He paid everything and gave her an allowance. The very word used to irritate me but that was how they lived. It was a control thing I think. When he died, she said to me now I can do what I want, and she did. She got to grips with the finances very quickly with the help of her sons and spent money like water.

What about my case ? We started married life and my husband thought as I'm foreign, don't have big savings, he won't share his account with me but I had mine and he kept paying for everything . I started saving and got ahead of him , he has mortgage and bills on his name and I tried to understand does he want me buying at least some of the food but got nowhere.

All our accounts are named in folders though and we aren't rich. Is that all right then , if he does tomorrow I can manage

DH and I are both self employed, so we have our own bank accounts and a joint one for household bills , mortgage when we had one , food , car expenses etc . We also have our own saving accounts and Isas . I used to do DHs accounts and vat , so I know his financial situation. And know where everything is , both in actual files and online .
Future proofing your life is often discussed on GN with regard to property and where to live , but I think everyone needs to future proof their lives , with regard to being widowed and that includes finances .

We have ony family finances. We do each have an account that is personal, but both are in joint names, although neither of us would access eachothers account.

To be fair this started in the early years of our marriage, before mobile phones, wifi etc when DH used to travel out to remote parts, in this country and overseas where he was incomunicado for unknwn periods of time and I had to deal with his credit card and any other banking issues in his absence - and since his account was joint I thought mine should be as well.

I tried very hard to share financial details, My late husband gave me the chequebook to our joint account only a few months after we were married and I looked after the finances completely. I had to `train` him wrt which passwords for which bank, had to make sure he had his own credit card etc in case I died first. We paid both salaries into that account and each had a personal account with a direct debit going into each account every month. It was lovely to have that perfect trust

It was easy for me afterwards, probate was easy, bank-sorting was easy. He always co-operated in any decision, if I wanted something big I just sowed the seed into his brain and he always said yes

We had a joint account and all our money was pooled but I dealt with all the finances and yes I did tell him what spare money was available for spending and what wasn’t.

Finance bored him to tears and the only time he had to deal with it - when I was very ill- he thought we had no money left and panicked. 🙄😂 If I had died first he would have needed somebody else to sort all that out.

On the other hand he always dealt with anything involving people, like tradesmen and especially negotiating deals and contracts which I just cannot do.

A bit sad to think that’s looked on as coercive control. More like playing to our strengths

I love being in control of paying the bills, hunting for insurance quotes etc. When we divorced that was my route to freedom and independence.
Now my partner and I ( not married) have our own pensions, savings, accounts. We share all major costs, he pays an allowance towards monthly household costs; we pay our own holidays ; look after our own children,( he has 3 , I have 1).
We discuss any monetary issues together and it works.
This stems from when my mum left our family , my dad emptied their joint account leaving her with one shilling . That will NEVER happen to me !

Doodledog

Each to her own, but what did she contribute?

I can't imagine not sharing the joys and troubles of finance (and other aspects) of married life, but then I never had an 'allowance'. We were an equal partnership from the start. Sometimes I earned more, sometimes he did, and his pension is way more than mine for various reasons (most of them surrounding outdated sexist legislation), but we have always been happy to share and share alike.

It is very important that people know how their finances will be impacted by the death of a partner, as well as how they would manage if s/he left the relationship. Being a hostage to fortune is not something I would ever have contemplated.

Sorry if this is stating the obvious, but I was talking to my mother recently, and she had no idea that women no longer inherit their husband's state pension. She is very financially savvy usually, but this change had passed her by, as she and all her friends all have a good income that comes from their husbands' pensions, SERPS and so on, so she had never needed to know. This all changed in 2016, so it may be worth checking if anyone is expecting to do likewise and inherit a spouse's state pension.

Not quite that cut and dried, and will depend in whether either of them were due to receive state pension, not when they actually took it out. Worth checking. She may be entitled to pension credits as well.

Advise her if she has been home child rearing that she needs to check the contributions that should have been paid for this.

We have everything in joint name except personal pensions, the income from these goes into joint accounts, as does any ISA interest.

We both get involved in insurance, and major purchases and never worry which account they come from.

One (unresolved) disagreement now we have come to that age is whether it is time to gift more of our savings to the children

Married 63 years. From day I, I took care of the finances. We had joint
bank accounts except for ISA for tax purposes. He trusted me and could see for himself at any time what went in and out of the bank.
If either wanted something provided we had the money we had it.

Because we were both born in the 30s I inherited 100% of my husband's SERPS state pension.

Slightly off topic but when we got married in 1977. We both had bank accounts- me with Barclays; DH with Nat West.. We originally agreed that we would each add the other to our respective accounts and make both accounts joint. (Really can't remember why we thought that was a dood idea then). Anyway DH went to Nat West; filled in a form; they added my name and changed his account keeping same number into a joint account.

Barclays however promptly closed my account, opened a new one in DHs name and added my name afterwards! After some decidedly challenging conversations (despite being rather less confident than I am now) I told them to forget it; closed the account and we have just had the Nat. West one since.

How times change!

My DH and I have a joint bank account since we got engaged in 1979. Both our salaries were paid into and we each had an allowance for personal spending. We have joint savings accounts as well as personal but we regularly discuss what our current financial situation is. It’s worked well for all these years, we never had any secrets about money. We we first got engaged he was paid weekly and as I worked in the wages office I knew before him what was in has wage packet.

Surely that is very outdated! Gave her an allowance! Was she his property? Been married 41 years always known what each other has earned and had our own bank accounts plus a joint one...how did they make financial decisions? Or was it just him and your suster was not consultated??? Very Victorian! Even my mum and dad madejoint financial decisions..I'd like ti have seen dad giving mum an 'allowance' don't think they would have remained married for 65 years! They married in 1949.....

At the present time it's working well. We both have separate savings accounts and personal accounts plus a joint account for bills, shopping vets house expenses. No I don't know what he gets from pensions or what savings he has and same with me. He was hopeless with money all our married life, running up huge credit card debts, remortgaging, then doing it again. I always thought he earned much more than he did but never knew the truth.
The crunch came when he asked for my savings twice. Then I was out of work and couldn't afford the dogs vet charge for arthritis meds £100 and he refused to give me it. So I lied to the RSPCA and got it cheap there. When I got another job I sent them a cheque for what the vet would have cost as a donation. Then he wanted to remortgage again and I said no. I meant it and said I'd prosecute if he forged my signature. He stopped using the cards and we have no debts now. He was a brilliant father and most of his debts were money spent on the kids, anything they wanted he bought them. And foreign holidays in 5* hotels all on credit. Still together 48years now.

We share everything, and all money from whatever source is ‘ours’.

Sounds like a very old fashioned set up in the OP.

My mother, who died in 2015 aged 97, and was always very clued up financially, was shocked some years earlier, when a very old friend, recently widowed, told he she’d never once paid a bill or written a cheque.
All through her very long married life, she’d had her weekly housekeeping money, and that was it.
Apparently it was a happy marriage, though.

Thanks for the information about pensions Allira, I wasn't aware of this and it would make a significant difference to many people.

I don't let my husband even look at the joint account it's all mine 😅 he pays into it.
He still has his own account as he was in the Services so away frequently, I didn't want him using the joint account.
Of course I can see his account but all the finances otherwise are in my name.

A lot of people now whether martied, living together have seperate accounts with one that both contribute to cover eg mortgage, food. The OP friend seems to have accepted the husband being in control of funds. Big question will be what is she to inherit?

I bet he had more money than he was telling her .she needs to get a financial adviser.or someone in the family to sort out her finances.

Regardless of when people got married/ live together I am appalled at how many of my friends don’t know how much their husband/partner earns/ receives from their pensions! Together with his much thru have in savings in their own name only. This is only going to cause major financial issues when the husband etc dies. I never had this when I married. I would not allow it. I received the princely sum of £10 every four weeks from my deceased husband’s state pension when I got my state pension in 2024! He paid tax and NI since he was 15. He died in 2007. I did get half his works pension when he died.