Fear of husband of 47 years dying first

I was going to post earlier, but Crossstitch said what I was going to say so much better and I was a bit concerned I would sound like I was preaching.

DH was diagnosed with Stage 4 bladder cancer last year and told it is not curable. He's now had all the treatment possible other than a maintenance dose of immunotherapy every two weeks. We don't know if he has 6 months or 12 months left. We've had all the practical talks about money, etc. It's all been a bit of a shock, he's 65 and I am 68. It was always supposed to be me who would get ill after smoking for 20 years whereas he's always been very healthy and fit, playing football and tennis and golf until quite recently.

Anyway, to cut things shorter, I now see it as my job to make the last year (or however long) as good as possible, especially while he is able to get about. The anxiety hasn't gone away I've just learnt to hide it. I don't think I have slept more than 3 hours a night for the last six months and I have a little cry while I am in the shower sometimes where I won't be disturbed and he won't notice the red eyes. I keep everything as normal as possible, including making him do 'his' jobs 😄
We're going away again in September and planning a huge family Christmas - we missed Christmas last year in the middle of all the tests and diagnosis - meeting with as many of the family as can get away.

Always in the back of my mind is the thought that in 6 months I may not have my best friend around anymore when we should reasonably have had at least another 10 years. I expect I will cope, I usually do, but the future looks very different to how we always saw it.

Sorry. This is very long. Haven't actually said any of this out loud before.

Lots of good advice on here.
I did notice something that is incorrect though.

A joint Bank Account is not frozen on the death of one of the account holders.
The surving partner will have to produce a death certificate for the bank.

I've been widowed twice and encountered no difficulties with our joint account passing to me automatically.

I cared for my first husband for ten years, keeping a journal of our days together. They are a wonderful reminder of our life over that long, frequently traumatic time.
As we lived each day the days seemed very much the same because of the necessary routine that comes with caring for a very ill person.
But the journals hold so much variety that at the time I didn't realise was there.
I recorded the things he said to me in the days when he could still speak and it's such a joy to be reminded of how much I was loved and appreciated.

I knew that ultimately my husband would die but I lived in the moment rather than fear the future.
Actually, when you are caring for a very sick person you have to be focused on the present. It's hard and there are enough fears/anxieties about getting and giving the best care
and staying well oneself, without being anxious about being left on one's own.
When it happens it's tough but you find the strength to cope and move forward.
Life can and does go on.
Wishing strength and peace to anyone who is feeling anxious.

FriedGreenTomatoes2

^People leave the story, but the book goes on^
Oh what a poignant observation Smintie. 💐

One to remember 🌺thank you

I feel so sorry for anyonewho feels that way. Because of severe health issues when DH was young, before we married, and a difficult family health background- we always discussed the fact I would probably be left ot raise or kids. And he will be 80 next year, and in very good shape, after surviving a nasty cancer 6 years ago. And I am the one who developed T2 diabetes. I am 5 years younger, so who knows?

I am so pleased that because of this really heavy work load and responsibilities, ever since we met- I grew to be very independent, have had my own life and activities, my own car and my own career- so I have never been dependent on him in any way. As said above by another poster, I worry about him being left alone if I go first. If he does, I will miss him terribly and will be bereft, but I know I can cope, I can deal with everything, and I can survive.

My parents had been married over 60 years and did everything together. My Dad died aged 86 (but looked and acted much younger). My brother said Mum would never cope without him and we should prepare ourselves for her to go soon after but she lived very happily to nearly 97. I was amazed and so pleased that she coped very well.

Thank you all so much for your kind thoughts and suggestions as to how to cope with how I am feeling at the moment, I really do appreciate all you have said and having read your posts I really don’t feel so alone and will certainly endeavour to concentrate on the present and not worry so much about what might or might not happen. Once again thank you all so much and I wish you all well and send my heartfelt good wishes to those of you who have already lost their loved ones 🙏

People leave the story, but the book goes on
Oh what a poignant observation Smintie. 💐

Thanks for the info about Tell Us Once 👍

Doodle ❤️💔

"Tell us once" was useful after he died but there were many other things I had to do. He didn't leave a will so I had to find a solicitor and make a will for myself. I have also arranged POA for my DC for when I go gaga.

But I coped. Better than I thought I would and people were so kind. I hadn't appreciated how kind people could be.

My darling husband died last year. He was 76. Wasn’t really expected though because of his many health problems we always thought he would die first. I didn’t want him to be left without me as I didn’t want him to suffer this pain.
We spent virtually every minute of the day together and loved each other and were so happy together.
I won’t pretend it’s easy and I’ve cried bucket loads of tears in the last 14 months but I am coping. Life will never be the same again. I will never have contentment again but I am living and going out and doing things. I want nothing more than to be with him again but until that time comes I am getting by.
Treasure what you’ve got but love life as much as you can now.

My husband of 37 years died last year. It was awful but the worst thing is the sadmin.

We both had wills and life insurance but there is still a lot of sadmin. Go through your paperwork now, sort out your vital information, find phone numbers for reliable engineers (gas, electricity etc).

But most of all, live every day together, with love in your hearts and hope for the future.

When the sadmin, the emptiness and the stress seems overwhelming, the memories of his smile, his silly jokes, his appreciation of your cooking his favourite scallops, and the joy on his face when he finished the crossword before you did, will never fade and keep you smiling through it all.

People leave the story, but the book goes on.

Sorry to hear that you are so worried about your DH going first. You sound a little depressed to me, not saying go down the antidepressant path, is there anyone you could talk to near by? Gp perhaps?
Back in the day I hoped my dad would go first, only because mum ran the house, bills, shopping, book holidays, she would give him pocket money each week & he was happy with that.
He just wouldn’t have had a clue, it would have all fallen on me to sort his life out, not that I would have minded, tbh.
Now mum is on her own, she’s sad but doing ok, she has me & her granddaughter who is wonderful with her.
Now it’s my turn to worry! I want to go before my husband & worry I won’t cope with life after he’s gone. I have no children to fall back on (that does sound rather selfish I know). I did go to my GP in the end & prescribed 10 mg of fluoxetine, with has helped. So I totally know where you are coming from.
Hope you will both go together when the time comes.

ViceVersa

NanKate

I feel similar to you Daisyrose.

I have decided to complete a form online called ‘Tell Us Once’ issued by the government. It could take us some months to fill it in but my friend says it was worth it.

Has anyone else submitted this completed for, please ?

I've done it twice, but only after my MiL and FiL died - I didn't think it was something you could complete 'in advance', as it were.

I’ve done one too after a death and thought that was when you did them. I think the hospital gave me the form when I went to pick up the death certificate, if not it was the registrar.

NanKate

I feel similar to you Daisyrose.

I have decided to complete a form online called ‘Tell Us Once’ issued by the government. It could take us some months to fill it in but my friend says it was worth it.

Has anyone else submitted this completed for, please ?

I've done it twice, but only after my MiL and FiL died - I didn't think it was something you could complete 'in advance', as it were.

I feel similar to you Daisyrose.

I have decided to complete a form online called ‘Tell Us Once’ issued by the government. It could take us some months to fill it in but my friend says it was worth it.

Has anyone else submitted this completed for, please ?

So much sound advice on here from many who have already been widowed. It is so important to sort out finances, wills, and power of attorney. Also look at practical things like where the stopcock is, how to read gas and electric meters, accessing each others computers. Knowing an electrician, plumber to contact, somebody to help with gardening. All these things bring some peace of mind in what needs to be dealt with after the loss of a Spouse. Please try not be afraid of the future.

Quote 25Avalon Sun 27-Jul-25 13:17:29
Anniebach you said you “found more pain.” Maybe I misinterpreted. If so my apologies. Losing someone is hard at any age but yours were very hard circumstances.

More painful because your children when adults say on celebrations in families , “I wish Daddy was here” grief brings pain but my concerns are for those who spend time fearing what may happen

Daisyrose5 . I think what you are feeling is normal , especially as your DH is waiting for an op. I too have had this feeling recently due to 4 friends losing their husbands over the past 18months . The men were aged 67 to 75 , 2 to cancer , 1 a heart attack and 1 a brain aneurysm.
I’m 66 DH is 70.
The deaths of our friends has prompted us to update our wills. I’ve written down details of all our savings , investments and pensions . Plus car tax, insurance and mot . House insurance, utilities, phones and wifi . Luckily I tend to deal with these things .
And we both had lived on our own when we met , so I know we both could cope with the practical side things .
However living alone is a different animal when you’re older .
Enjoy your time with your DH and 💐 to those who’ve lost a loved one .

Anniebach you said you “found more pain.” Maybe I misinterpreted. If so my apologies. Losing someone is hard at any age but yours were very hard circumstances.

No, I fear for my husband should I die first.

I would cope well alone, albeit sadly.

Quote 25Avalon Sun 27-Jul-25 11:06:17
Anniebach you cannot quantify people’s pain. We are all different and none of us know how losing a loved one is going to take us until it happens. No one person’s pain is greater than anothers. If we worry about it before it happens and it may never happen then we spoil the here and now. OP’s dh is due an op which has thrown her thoughts out of kilter. When my dh was seriously ill had major heart surgery my mantra became ‘hold the line’ which I repeated to myself every time my thoughts were getting out of hand. A dear friend suffered so much anxiety worrying how she would manage without her dh that she actually became clinically ill with anxiety and everyone thought she had dementia which she didn’t. She only improved when as a final measure she was given lithium. So please don’t let your anxiety spiral out of control……… if you can.

What are you talking about? I posted and tried to say ‘don’t
spend precious time together thinking of what may happen ,
My anxiety?

Anniebach you cannot quantify people’s pain. We are all different and none of us know how losing a loved one is going to take us until it happens. No one person’s pain is greater than anothers. If we worry about it before it happens and it may never happen then we spoil the here and now. OP’s dh is due an op which has thrown her thoughts out of kilter. When my dh was seriously ill had major heart surgery my mantra became ‘hold the line’ which I repeated to myself every time my thoughts were getting out of hand. A dear friend suffered so much anxiety worrying how she would manage without her dh that she actually became clinically ill with anxiety and everyone thought she had dementia which she didn’t. She only improved when as a final measure she was given lithium. So please don’t let your anxiety spiral out of control……… if you can.

I think we all fall into one of two groups, those who need people round them and those of us who are happy on our own and I think you can see this in people's responses on this thread.

I also suspect that, generally speaking, most successful partnerships contain one of each.

I can see it in my own family. My mother would have been lost without my father, but my father could manage on his own. Thankfully my mother dies first and my fatherwas a widower for 10 years. He missed my mother, theirs was a long and happy marriage. On the other hand DH's father would have been lost without wife, whereas, she was always the coper and manager, so she rebuilt her life.

It is the same with DH and I. I am a happily married loner, and could live with being a widowed loner, DH, who is so much more needs people around him, would struggle without me.

* Crossstitchfan* - your advice is spot on.