Advice re Memorial/ Celebration of life

I agree as well, Whiff.
It's just as well said, I tried to suggest that kindly as the OP could be grieving but, yes, the money would be better donated to charity in their name. Ask everyone who was going to attend for a donation too, perhaps just what they'd spend on the drinks in memory of this loved family member.

I agree Whiff.
I’m unclear as to the back story but this all sounds like a dreadful palaver , invitations, RSVPs ,celebrant, eulogy, leaflets(? (Why?) red/white wine proportions etc when the immediate family apparently decided against so much fuss -possibly following the wishes of the deceased.
This seems to have grown into a full scale wake - not a few friends getting together to remember a friend, “just a get together to remember a special person in our lives” (?)
Too much and IMO inappropriate.

Ok putting my pennies worth in again . How much is all this going to cost and who is paying? If you really wanted to celebrate the deceased then the money would be better used by sending to the charity of what that person died from in their name and put to good use.

I feel sorry for the deceases children. Not only are they grieving but knowing all this is going on without their consent .

I know I will be shot down by others . But the cremation has been done by the family . If they had wanted a funeral and invited people then they would have . This is just a big slap in the face of a grieving family .

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Well as a retired funeral director I shall have to stick my nose in and say I have done hundreds of these either ors but never both for the same person.
It doesn’t make sense, do you know for certain the funeral arrangements are the choice of the deceased family, how do you know they are not following serious instructions, no funeral thank you. How many times I have been told that the deceased doesn’t want a funeral, if they couldn’t be bothered to come and see me when I’m alive why should they bother when I’m dead.
My own husband said that but we still had one. I can’t understand why invitations have been send out, who to, friends, family. You could be causing a great upset to an already grieving family, I’m just totally puzzled and having a celebrant would really be the last straw. Each to his own. I’ll shut up now.

An elderly friend of mine died last year. She and her son had decided on a direct cremation with no funeral service. A couple of weeks later her son emailed an invitation to 4 of his Mum's close friends to meet at his house to "Remember this special person". So, 4 of us plus son, DiL and their 2 young children gathered to talk about "S' over a good take-out lunch delivered earlier. We talked about some of my friend's interests but I was left thinking that the conversation didn't centre on "S" enough. People digressed. I also felt the meeting was too soon after my friends death. Her lovely son and grandchildren were too upset for one thing and for want of a better word a "chairperson" to keep the conversation on track would have helped. I haven't explained that very well so I hope you get the gist.

Claremont

OldFrill

NanaTuesday

Whiff

No not from estate

Adult children have no interest -Adult children have no intention of involving others whether friends or family . Adult children have decreed 'unattended service"

Why am I bothering ?

Because this beloved person would otherwise just be sent off in a box on their own .

Assume adult children are adhering to the deceased's wishes, if so good for them.

My thoughts too. Personally, I thik we should love and care for people when alive, what happens after is irrelevant. Maybe this is what he asked for.

My cousins refused to adhere to the requests their son made when he knew the end was near. His wife and children all agreed to do as he requested, simple, no fuss and NO religious ceremony. His mother insisted did not attend the secular simple funeral his son requested. And insisted on having a full Mass for him- which his wife and the GCs refused to attend. She lost him, and now lost them too.

Well, that's very sad that they have now estranged her.
The Mass obviously brought her comfort as she had lost her beloved son and now her grandchildren too.

OldFrill

NanaTuesday

Whiff

No not from estate

Adult children have no interest -Adult children have no intention of involving others whether friends or family . Adult children have decreed 'unattended service"

Why am I bothering ?

Because this beloved person would otherwise just be sent off in a box on their own .

Assume adult children are adhering to the deceased's wishes, if so good for them.

My thoughts too. Personally, I thik we should love and care for people when alive, what happens after is irrelevant. Maybe this is what he asked for.

My cousins refused to adhere to the requests their son made when he knew the end was near. His wife and children all agreed to do as he requested, simple, no fuss and NO religious ceremony. His mother insisted did not attend the secular simple funeral his son requested. And insisted on having a full Mass for him- which his wife and the GCs refused to attend. She lost him, and now lost them too.

It's a pity the invites have already gone out before you have finalised the arrangements, you could have just said we are meeting for a drink at
X location to celebrate the life of our beloved XYZ. Food is not provided but may be ordered at the bar if required. ( if you are in a pub) if not then can you run to tea/ coffee and biscuits/ cake nothing fancy.

I went to one recently, we were asked to wear a certain colour ( favourite football club) his life long friend done a Eulogy and they played music by a group ( not well known) that he liked. His wife also said a few words which I thought was very brave of her. It was a lovely afternoon.

oops forgot to say I hope it goes well NanaTuesday.

NanaTuesday says in the OP Obviously family members will want a few words also so although the deceased's children are not going to be present, other family members will be.

Eulogies aren't just for funeral services Whiff they are often at memorial services too.

🙏
Thank you

Confusing ?
Asking for advice

There was NOT a funeral that’s the whole point

We don’t know the ins and outs and we don’t need to.
I hope the event goes well NanaTuesday and your friend is remembered fondly.

Sorry but if they had wanted people at the funeral you and others would have been invited. They didn't.
It's their choice . You are doing this memorial but who is it for . If you really cared you would just let it go . The family did want they wanted .
Eulogy at memorial service is so wrong . They are for funerals .

You said at the beginning this wasn't a family member so you are no relation. Are you just a friend ? And are the people you invited just friends as well ?

I really don't understand what you expect to get from this .

If you want a big song and dance at your funeral I hope you have it all written down with your will and your family knows exactly what you want .

Whiff

The funeral has been held by the deceases children . So that is the end of it . They said unattended. It was probably there parents wish.
What you are doing is going against the wishes of the family .

Whiff ,
We don’t actually know that for a fact

Whiff me either,very confusing post???

I wouldn't have a Pure Cremation, it's up to my family to do as they wish, I have the money for them to do it, I think it is horrible just sent off in a box no one there. I would have thought her children could have done you the courtesy of saying it was what mom wanted, just to explain, but obviously won't now.
Has it been my friend, I would have met at a pub or venue with friends and drank to their health. Everyone buy their own meal. However it sound as if you you have arranged something, so go ahead do it your way as not everyone will agree,and remember your friend. Sometimes friends are better than family.

I feel you have a kind heart but agree with Whiff you should really have let things be or at most had a drink with other uninvited family members.
I hope it all works out with so much work involved.

The funeral has been held by the deceases children . So that is the end of it . They said unattended. It was probably there parents wish.
What you are doing is going against the wishes of the family .

So is this basically a get-together of the friends of the person who died?

As someone upthread asked were they estranged from their family? I think this makes it harder but who in the friendship circle was the closest?
Or don't you know?

I would talk to them I think.

IF they didn't want a celebration then just don't do it!

I've been to only one celebration and that was due to the deceased's body being donated for medical science. There was no eulogy, no celebrant only one family member spoke of the deceased on behalf of his siblings. About 80 attended, food served in a hotel. The event was warm, lighthearted yet respectfully paid tribute to the deceased and her life. You seem to be doingvall tgecwork so do what suits you. Get costings for any part incurring costs and tell those who are supposed to contribute that you expect funds before confirming anything. Amazing how funerals and money bring out the worst in some people.