Advice re Memorial/ Celebration of life

Unfortunately in this day and age you will never get a unilateral decision on the food somebody has to decide.

How many are invited? It's hard to give advice without any idea if numbers.

This is your ceremony and you must do it your way. Don’t ask others for input. Just decide how you want to do things and do them. You will, as another poster said, never get everyone to agree.

If you are doing the organising I know from experience it is possible to be run ragged with other people’s opinions and what they think should be done- without making the least effort to do it themselves.

I would let the eulogy stand. Probably the person who has sad the deceased didn’t like this person actually means they don’t like this person!

Beware of the people who want “a few words”. Some enjoy the limelight and don’t know when to stop! I don’t know how to fix this one.

You’ve had no responses to your email about food so go ahead with what was planned. My worry is that people will turn baulky after the funeral and not pay up their share. Could you absorb the cost if that happened, or get an advance from them now?

I’m not sure you need a celebrant as well as a eulogy and other tributes. Perhaps one of those who want to say a few words would take on what will really just be a brief introduction to the next item?

You seem to be doing the bulk of the work here as well as all the worry that others are creating. You have my sympathy not just for your loss 💐

May be being dense. But have you already had the funeral ? If so why didn't you do this at the funeral or was it just a cremation and no service.

Did the deceased leave any wishes ? If so why not follow them .

Why aren't the children involved unless they are not adults ?

As you are organising it you need to see how many are gluten free , vegetarian or vegan .

Still can't get my head around why you are doing it.

Is this a celebration or the actual funeral service? It sounds quite formal especially if you are thinking of inviting a celebrant.

I've only been to one celebration, which was held in a pub-reataurant with a buffet. There were photos, a video memory and a poem was read, plus one short eulogy. Apart from that, everyone just chatted, often memories of the deceased. It was fairly informal.

May be being dense. But have you already had the funeral ? If so why didn't you do this at the funeral or was it just a cremation and no service.

Some people choose Pure Cremation or similar now. It's rather strange as people still need to say farewell to a loved one imo. They may or may not have a 'Celebration of their life' at some time afterwards.

The anxiety level here seems to be out of proportion to what the deceased person would have liked. Can’t you keep it simple: hire a hall and have a bring and share lunch. Those who don’t want to cook can bring a bottle of wine. Then the expense would not be too great for anyone. A eulogy could be given by the person who offered and others could say a few words. Everyone could then mingle and share memories.

My aunt died a couple of years ago at the age of 90. There was a cremation at which two of her three children gave eulogies, plus her widower. The eldest grandchild spoke on behalf of all the grandchildren, some of whom couldn’t be there. We then drove to a hotel where a buffet was set up and a memorial video on a loop. One of my aunt’s three children acted as MC throughout and in fact organised most of the event. All went well.

I didn’t know you had to wait for a RSVP for a funeral, unless you have had a funeral, & this is the memorial.

“The Venue is booked. The invites are out.” That’s going to cause a lot of problems to change. I would stick with it. Regarding food I’m surprised venue can’t give you a sliding cost per capita depending on the number attending. Is it a set menu which means limited choice.But good heavens if I go to a wedding etc I don’t argue about what’s on the menu. If you buy in someone has to oversee and organise who brings what and should really have been sorted before deciding on the venue you have. There may be a cancellation fee? Were you not asked to pay a deposit.
Wines are what really push the costs up as there’s a huge mark up and if you bring your own corkage charge is exorbitant. If there is a bar people could buy their own and keep costs down that way? A bit cheapskate though. Is everyone contributing or is it from the deceased’s estate? If the latter definitely continues with the arrangements.

Remember what Abraham Lincoln said - “ You can please all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time, but you can’t please all of the people all of the time.”
Good luck with it.

Keep it Simple.

MT61

A Memorial

Ladyleffieldlover ,

Thank you ffirldor your input . although not put out to the others as yet ()!) my DH has offered to be the MC .

Which is a weight of of my mind

I wasn't thinking of inviting a celebrant it was suggested as maybe bringing a focus to the events .

There has yet to be a Funeral ,to which we will not be privy to re the where & when .

Whiff

No not from estate

Adult children have no interest -Adult children have no intention of involving others whether friends or family . Adult children have decreed 'unattended service"

Why am I bothering ?

Because this beloved person would otherwise just be sent off in a box on their own .

Last month I attended a similar event. The deceased had specified No Funeral, but had suggested her family might like to organise a gathering of friends and family to remember her.

It was held in a golf club. One drink of own choice from the bar on arrival. Later drinks to be paid for. Tea and coffee also available. A ‘ brochure’ was on each table, with photos and poems.

After about 45 minutes, the son welcomed everyone and explained what to expect. Also informed us that the family had scattered her ashes in her favourite place.
A light finger-food buffet was served.
The son and other family members gave tributes. One read a poem. A rolling video of photos and music was shown.
Then after a gap another friend got up and spoke for far too long.
The son invited people to sign a card, write any memories in a book.
No celebrant. No mention of costs. All very appropriate except for the extra long tribute.
I hope this helps. Whoever is organising it needs to make the decisions and stick with them.

NanaTuesday

Whiff

No not from estate

Adult children have no interest -Adult children have no intention of involving others whether friends or family . Adult children have decreed 'unattended service"

Why am I bothering ?

Because this beloved person would otherwise just be sent off in a box on their own .

Assume adult children are adhering to the deceased's wishes, if so good for them.

Cabbie21

Excellent, much as I had envisaged, all of what you had mentioned is what is planned .

Thanks for the input .

It’s nothing fancy just a get together to remember a special person in our lives .

This is not a parent & the DC of the deceased are not involved

Were the children of the deceased estranged?
If not, are they adhering to the deceased's wishes by not having a funeral service and wake?
Might they be rather upset that someone else is taking it upon themselves to organise what sounds like an elaborate celebration of their loved parent's life?

Plus of course the usual bickering that occurs
Adding this cost would add fuel to a somewhat simmering fire

All in all, it really doesn't sound like a very good idea to me and could cause more problems in the long-term.

Perhaps just book a room in a pub for anyone who knew them to come along and have a drink to remember his or her life.

I've been to only one celebration and that was due to the deceased's body being donated for medical science. There was no eulogy, no celebrant only one family member spoke of the deceased on behalf of his siblings. About 80 attended, food served in a hotel. The event was warm, lighthearted yet respectfully paid tribute to the deceased and her life. You seem to be doingvall tgecwork so do what suits you. Get costings for any part incurring costs and tell those who are supposed to contribute that you expect funds before confirming anything. Amazing how funerals and money bring out the worst in some people.

So is this basically a get-together of the friends of the person who died?

As someone upthread asked were they estranged from their family? I think this makes it harder but who in the friendship circle was the closest?
Or don't you know?

I would talk to them I think.

IF they didn't want a celebration then just don't do it!

The funeral has been held by the deceases children . So that is the end of it . They said unattended. It was probably there parents wish.
What you are doing is going against the wishes of the family .

I feel you have a kind heart but agree with Whiff you should really have let things be or at most had a drink with other uninvited family members.
I hope it all works out with so much work involved.