What shall I do?

I'm glad it was OK woodenspoon you'll be keeping in touch.

Good news woodenspoon.
People in your situation may well find it difficult but well done for making the best of it.

You did the right thing.

Life goes on, even if we want to have loved ones back with us we have to learn to live without them.

If you don't want to meet her..remember that's your choice and you simply don't have to

But stop and think. What would your cousin want you to do. Then decide what to do

This new lady might be nice. And as your cousin has left this world no one would wsish for anyone to be aline

Well done woodenspoon.

People asked that I’d get back to them after our meeting to report how it went.

First of all, some criticisms on here from posters are unfair. Many of you have suddenly lost a loved one and to see that loved one replaced quickly is a shock. If that offends some on here so be it.
we are not an unwelcoming family either as some have accused us of, nor are we terrifying. Ridiculous comment.

So, we met at the hotel for afternoon tea. Yes, it was awkward at first inevitably but we all got along. They are a well established couple having been on two cruises together apparently in the last six months. Now, he has sold the family home and they’re living together. People asked his age, he is 77. She is 60. His children have accepted it but my late cousins have found it difficult unsurprisingly.

So that is my update. We have agreed to stay in touch and wished them well.

woodenspoon

Normally I wouldn’t ask this online but I’d like some advice from others as to what to do in this situation. Last year my dear cousin died just before Christmas after an illness. Two weeks after the funeral her DH put their home on the market to catch the Christmas buyers he said. We all thought it was a bit quick but not our business really. She asked me to keep in touch with him, not lose touch etc. we had an email last week saying he was coming down for a visit and wanted to meet up. No problem with that but he is ‘bringing his new lady’. What can we do? None of us wants to meet her, we feel it’s far too soon but don’t know how we can get out of it. My brother said maybe we should but I don’t feel at ease with it.
Any ideas grans?

I cannot believe this thread how many judgemental Grans. I hope they will be very happy in their new relationship and hopefully will keep away from these very unwelcoming family and friends

"None of us want to meet her"

You sound a right terrifying lot.

FoghornLeghorn

Before I retired I was an oncology nurse. Because of the nature of the beast and because most of our patients were local we got to know them and their families well, often for a considerable length of time. Almost all the husbands who became widowers had a new woman within a year, very often much sooner. As for the women whose husbands died, I wasn’t aware of any of them forming another relationship. In fact many of them stated they didn’t want one.

I guess men think a partner will make my life so much easier and women think I just can’t put all that effort in.😬

My mother was widowed quite young and sometimes went out for meals and days out with men friends but never took it any further. However in her 80's she met a man who had been widowed relatively recently and he became her partner, it was so nice and they were very happy. His family were happy to welcome her, though a couple of them initially thought it had developed very quickly. She only lived a couple more years but was very happy and had no regrets.
When you're older you need to grasp opportunities, you may not have much longer, nor another chance of happiness.

Missiseff

"None of us want to meet her"
That's awful. Poor lady. Your cousin has gone, her husband is still here and has his life to live. Would you rather he sat and wallowed? You should be pleased for him. I don't think you should 'grin and bear it', I think you should welcome his new lady with open arms and thank her for being in his life.

100% this.

Before I retired I was an oncology nurse. Because of the nature of the beast and because most of our patients were local we got to know them and their families well, often for a considerable length of time. Almost all the husbands who became widowers had a new woman within a year, very often much sooner. As for the women whose husbands died, I wasn’t aware of any of them forming another relationship. In fact many of them stated they didn’t want one.

Casdon

I’d swallow my own feelings about it, and agree to meet her. Many men just can’t cope with being alone, and enter into new relationships within weeks or months of their wife’s death. It doesn’t mean that he’s forgotten your cousin, loves her less than he did, or doesn’t still mourn her.

I absolutely agree with this. I know a few men who have found a new relationship within a very short time of their wife’s death. I too have been slightly shocked but I suppose we must grab happiness when we can.

woodenspoon just be thankful that your cousin's widower is happy and has someone to keep him company.

My elderly relative was so grief stricken a few months after his wife died he did everything in his power to "join her," and very nearly succeeded.
Only a chance phone call alerted me to the crisis and thankfully the local police attended and dealt with the situation.

Please, enjoy your afternoon tea and make them both welcome 🥰

It would be worse if they were divorced and you had to pretend to like the new partner.

I've been widowed nearly 5 years with no intention of finding a new husband and not because we werent happy. I do know several people, men and women, who have remarried after the death of a spouse on one case it was within a year.

I hope you can be pleased for him.

Mrs Matt
Just because he has a new 'lady friend' does not mean he has forgotten or got over his loss. It is his way of moving on. Meet up with an open mind, you never know she may be a wonderful person.

I agree with Mrs Matt. Meet this lady, make her feel welcome and get to know her, only then can you decide whether you think she will be good for your cousin’s widower. However, whatever your thought, remember it’s his life and if he is happy, be happy for him.

As a default, it feels good to be open and kind to others. Good maybe not to overthink, but meet them both with kindness.

If you really feel that you could not welcome them easily, perhaps you could arrange to be away and say you are sorry to miss them but you had booked this course or whatever some time ago. That way you have not shut them out , but just put it off for a little while. Then you could offer a later time to invite them and try to be happy that they will have each other. He is not letting anyone down, because his wife is dead. Nothing can alter that, but there are different ways people find to cope with that situation. Hope you find a way to remain in touch in a way that feels ok for you

Sorry, this was meant for the post above. No idea what I did there

Witzend

I can see very well why you’re reluctant, but If it’s just a meet-up for lunch or dinner, I’d glue a plastic smile on, and go along with it. I’m assuming he’s not asking for the pair of them to stay with you?

Everyone copes with grief and losing someone in their own way. My mums friend had cleared all her husbands clothes etc within a week of his death. My mum took about 6 months. My husband passed in 2014 and I still have a lot of his stuff.

Just because he has a new 'lady friend' does not mean he has forgotten or got over his loss. It is his way of moving on. Meet up with an open mind, you never know she may be a wonderful person.

Grannygrumps1

Just because they are ‘friends’ does not mean they are necessarily anything more than that.
I’m friends with a gentleman who,s wife passed away and I am divorced. I would never want to be in another ‘relationship’. We are friends pure and simple. We do voluntary work together and see and speak most days. Everyone who meets us presume we are a married couple which could not be further from the truth.We go on holiday together. I’ve met his family and he has met mine. We talk about his wife which helps him. Don’t presume the relationship until you see or hear otherwise. He could also be helping her over grief.
Joking aside I always tell my friend that if I was married to him it would have divorced him long ago.

I spend time regularly with an old friend who was widowed nearly 2 years ago. I knew his wife too as their daughter was one of my daughter's best friends, and I worked with both of them. He came to visit a charity where I volunteer to see the CAB advisor who is there once a month. He saw me there and stopped to chat. I suggested he come each week as it is a friendly, sociable community group offering coffee, cake and friendship. I sit with the other sewers/crafters and he started coming each week, sitting at the sewers table too though we are all women. One person commented that he must fancy me as he always came and sat with me, but I know that isn't the case as I've known him for over 20 years and was a colleague for 7 or them. He adored his wife, was her carer for her last few years and he constantly talks about how much he misses her. He is now friends with all my sewing lady friends but isn't looking for anything more. I'm just glad he has found a friendly group of welcoming people that give him a reason to come out once a week. It's sad that many people don't think men and women can be platonic friends, but we are. He makes derogatory comments to me all the time - the sort of banter that existed in the workplace - and now he insults my friends too. We in turn give as good as we get and it is just our way of being relaxed together. He seems to like having female company but there is no doubt at all that he misses his wife and can't imagine being with anyone else.
After 2 years I wouldn't think it odd if he wanted another relationship but I don't think he will. Some people need to start again with someone else quickly and for them it is the right thing. We all need to live and let live!

Desdemona

'Catch the Christmas buyers?'

Noobody buys houses at Christmas.

We moved on 20th December one year, taking the fully decorated tree from old house to new in the removal van, and some years later sold that house on 23rd December. Agent said the same - there is no let up in interest at Christmas time.

Keep it neutral
Don’t invite them to stay at yours, and go out to eat.
Just make small talk.
This happens more often with men than women I find

To be frank it's his business not anyone elses. He's lucky to have found another partner and I hope she brings him happiness.

7months? 7 years?

Who has the right to judge?