Friend Not Keeping Her House Clean

Allira

Good advice, RosieandherMaw

There’s no way I would step in and start cleaning and tidying her home. I’m just not that sort of person.

Instead, I will keep an eye on her and gently ask how she’s coping.

Good advice, RosieandherMaw

Many years ago when a youngish mum I had a dear friend who lived alone, a social worker a bit older than me, in her early 50’s.
The kindest woman out, but her house was a muddle to say the least.
She had a heart attack and while recovering in hospital, another friend - our curates wife- and I thought it might be nice for her to come to a cleaned up house.
Not her bedroom, that was personal although we did put clean sheets on her bed, but the kitchen where frankly your feet stuck to the floor.
So we washed, wiped, tidied cupboards and the fridge, threw out stale or off food and left it gleaming.
How wrong we had been. She was deeply hurt interpreting this as criticism of her haphazard lifestyle - where she spent every waking hour on other people, not herself. No wonder she had had a heart attack.
But it took her a long time to properly forgive us and understand no criticism was intended, just what we’d welcome someone doing for us.
But we had overstepped a line.
Don’t make the same mistake if your friendship might be threatened.

I know some people like housework but honestly are there that many people who actually enjoy it?
My mother! I did not inherit that gene.

People are citing disliking housework as a reason to let things slide. I know some people like housework but honestly are there that many people who actually enjoy it?

I certainly don’t like doing housework. It’s so repetitive and quite hard work. I do like having a clean house though! And my mental health feels better if my house is clean and tidy.

Moreover, if I have visitors I don’t want them to think I’m either not coping or I’m a slob. That’s what mainly drives me to keep things clean.

I know we’re all different and have different standards that we are comfortable with. However, there’s a point where living in a mess can become a problem. I’m worried that my friend is sliding into a mess that could affect her physical or mental health.

I thought the OP was just concerned about her friend. It could be she is ok living like that or it could be a sign something is wrong.
The OP being a good friend just wants to help and is worried. I would ask if she wants to go out for a coffee and cake. She may be fed up with herself and a change of scenery or a day out maybe what she wants.

M0nica

I think many are being unnecessarily hostile to the OP. I understand exactly how she feels.
I have a friend who I have known since school days. She was untidy then. She never married, had a successful career,always had a cleaner, the same one for over 40 years.

I visited her recently and was shocked by the state of the house. We ate with plates on our knees (after we hadcleared stuff off the chairs) becau se the table had so much stuff on it. Walked, no, waded around the house, there was so much on the floor. She and her cleaner are both in their 80s, I am not sure how much cleanjng gets down. Their relation ship is one of 2 good friends.

And of course I am concerned about her welfare, s he is my friend. She has family she sees regularly, but she visits them, they rarely visit her , so do not know the state of thehouse. At what point does untidiness turn into neglect, become a concern as asign of mental decline.

As I said OP, I can see and understand your concern. All you can do is watch and wait and if her mental health seems to be declining,try to speak to her family or socoal services.

My MIL got like this as she became older but I realised she had never been keen on housework anyway. She had a home help but I think preferred to chat to her!
That was fine but we did worry about food going off in the fridge and elsewhere and tried to make sure it was quietly disposed of and replaced with fresh when we visited. She was very independent and we had to be surreptitious about helping.

DH cleared up last night, I had to clear the bits of last night's dinner from the sink strainer plug this morning!

I saw myself in the OP's description of her friend. I've always been a bit of a slob. Fifty years ago, when my sons were small, one of them saw me hoovering and asked: 'Is someone coming, Mummy?' Nothing much changed over the decades, but I still have observant family members - especially my adult DGD who always heads for the sink when she drops in. However, my life-saver has been having a cleaner. I wonder if your friend would consider a cleaner, if she could find one. In fact, I find myself trying to keep the flat tidy and reasonably clean even before she arrives!

All you can do is observe to see if the situation deteriorates. Two years since her husband's death and it has only just happened? Probably old age and poor eyesight, not incapacity.

M0nica

I think many are being unnecessarily hostile to the OP. I understand exactly how she feels.
I have a friend who I have known since school days. She was untidy then. She never married, had a successful career,always had a cleaner, the same one for over 40 years.

I visited her recently and was shocked by the state of the house. We ate with plates on our knees (after we hadcleared stuff off the chairs) becau se the table had so much stuff on it. Walked, no, waded around the house, there was so much on the floor. She and her cleaner are both in their 80s, I am not sure how much cleanjng gets down. Their relation ship is one of 2 good friends.

And of course I am concerned about her welfare, s he is my friend. She has family she sees regularly, but she visits them, they rarely visit her , so do not know the state of thehouse. At what point does untidiness turn into neglect, become a concern as asign of mental decline.

As I said OP, I can see and understand your concern. All you can do is watch and wait and if her mental health seems to be declining,try to speak to her family or socoal services.

Thank youM0nica. Good advice.

I think many are being unnecessarily hostile to the OP. I understand exactly how she feels.
I have a friend who I have known since school days. She was untidy then. She never married, had a successful career,always had a cleaner, the same one for over 40 years.

I visited her recently and was shocked by the state of the house. We ate with plates on our knees (after we hadcleared stuff off the chairs) becau se the table had so much stuff on it. Walked, no, waded around the house, there was so much on the floor. She and her cleaner are both in their 80s, I am not sure how much cleanjng gets down. Their relation ship is one of 2 good friends.

And of course I am concerned about her welfare, s he is my friend. She has family she sees regularly, but she visits them, they rarely visit her , so do not know the state of thehouse. At what point does untidiness turn into neglect, become a concern as asign of mental decline.

As I said OP, I can see and understand your concern. All you can do is watch and wait and if her mental health seems to be declining,try to speak to her family or socoal services.

I know she’s never been keen on housework but I think her late husband more than pulled his weight

That’s it in a nutshell. When he was alive, her DH did the bulk of the cleaning. Now he’s gone, it doesn’t get done.

She probably doesn’t give it a thought.

Nothing you said in your first post indicates a health hazard’ though…food in the plug hole, out of date food could but probably won’t cause a problem I eat lots of out of date food dirty bathroom sink they are all signs of her not really caring which could be a sign of depression but also quite easily just be she’s not interested in a sparkly house or you just have could have caught her in a bad day

I d be more worried about does she have a purpose, does she go out and about, have friends, family, have interests than her house If family visit they must see and know and be aware

My dad used to worry about his widowed sister in law he said the food was often very out of date and nothing looked very hygienic mind you she lived alone with no real help only Dad popping around until she was 94 and died of natural causes in the house she wanted to stay in
I don’t think the furnishings had changed since she was married as a young lady and moved in there ….there was still an aspidestra on a tall ‘whatnot’ which I ve now got, painted white with a spider plant on it

Aldom

As the lady's husband has been dead for two years he won't have much input. Although from what the OP says, he probably kept the home clean (er) when he was alive.
I don't think the OP visits her friend in order to be critical. The OP seems to me to be concerned about her friend. She is wondering if her friend is finding it difficult to cope and wondering what, if anything she should do to help.
When one of my friends was in a similar position, food going off in the fridge. Perishable food not kept in the fridge and going off, I realised something was wrong with my friend.
I alerted her daughter, who lived some considerable distance away.
My friend was ultimately diagnosed with dementia.
I'm not suggesting this is the case here, but possibly something is wrong. Maybe depression following the death of her husband.
Alternatively, perhaps the lady is perfectly happy to live like this.
Some people are.

Yes that’s exactly the situation. I’m concerned about my friend. The more I think about her situation the more I’m worried. I know we all have different standards but when things are moving towards a health hazard, that can’t be good.

I had an auntie who lived like this. Not dirty as such but very very messy. Piles of clothes on chairs and you had to move them to find somewhere to sit. It you wanted a drink you had to wash a cup and spoon. It used to really bother my mother who was always remarking on it. Obviously she said nothing to my aunt's face. As a child it didnt bother me.

Hello Aldom, I made a dreadful mess of the post, for some reason hadnt realised the OP was widowed. However, thank you for your reply.

I think you are right to wonder if she's OK.
When was your last visit? Was it very different then?
Does she have family?

My initial comments are for Homestead62.

As the lady's husband has been dead for two years he won't have much input. Although from what the OP says, he probably kept the home clean (er) when he was alive.
I don't think the OP visits her friend in order to be critical. The OP seems to me to be concerned about her friend. She is wondering if her friend is finding it difficult to cope and wondering what, if anything she should do to help.
When one of my friends was in a similar position, food going off in the fridge. Perishable food not kept in the fridge and going off, I realised something was wrong with my friend.
I alerted her daughter, who lived some considerable distance away.
My friend was ultimately diagnosed with dementia.
I'm not suggesting this is the case here, but possibly something is wrong. Maybe depression following the death of her husband.
Alternatively, perhaps the lady is perfectly happy to live like this.
Some people are.

I feel that you may be right to be concerned. You know your friend, we don’t.
Have you noticed that her coping skills are deteriorating?
I have a friend whose DH died last year and she was getting less particular about things before that. I spoke to him about it and now he is no longer there to support her friends and family have stepped up.

AuntieE

Have you asked her how she is coping in general after her husband's death?

It could be that she feels there is no point in making the effort to keep everything sparkling clean now he is no longer there to appreciate it.

Don't specifically mention housework, just say if there is anything at all she needs help with then she only has to ask.

Yes, that’s a good plan. Thanks.

Apologies, did not realise the lady was widowed.

I visit friends to see them, not their house. If she isn't coping it is her husband/ family's concern. I'm sorry, I'm coming across as blunt but don't mean to be. I really don't see stuff in other people's homes.

Have you asked her how she is coping in general after her husband's death?

It could be that she feels there is no point in making the effort to keep everything sparkling clean now he is no longer there to appreciate it.

Don't specifically mention housework, just say if there is anything at all she needs help with then she only has to ask.