Friend Not Keeping Her House Clean

Not your business though is it?

No it isn’t. Except I do care about my friend and I’m concerned that she’s not coping.

Her house how she likes it. Not how you would like it.

I think it might be her business if it is a change in behaviour. With a friend of mine it was a sign she was ill.
It us obviously very tricky to address.

Why were you looking at her plug hole?

Kate1949

Why were you looking at her plug hole?

She asked me to put the kettle on, so I saw it then. I wasn’t snooping.

you don't say how long ago her husband passed away, if it's recent she might be feeling depressed and sad.

Oh if she’s not coping that’s a bit different to living how you want.

Still, you can’t do anything about other people’s houses, Im afraid.

Her husband died two years ago. From reading your responses, I’m feeling that I just need to leave her to it. I wouldn’t know what to do anyway.

Some people I know would probably be horrified if they looked too closely at our house. I hate housework and do as little as possible but it looks reasonable. Sometimes when you suffer a loss or tragedy your priorities change.

Has your friend any family you could contact to say you concerned for her?

A dirty plug hole is one thing but out of date food could be dangerous for her.

If she is a good friend, then if there's an underlying problem then it will come out. But the tidiness of her home might not be a symptom of anything other than different priorities or standards. Maybe her DH did the cleaning up and now she is letting it settle back to her norm. Focus on being a good friend, loyal and true. The rest will surface if it needs to. (Off to clean out my plughole now!)

Abnuyc123

I went to my friend’s house and I’ve been left concerned about the state of her house. I know she’s never been keen on housework but I think her late husband more than pulled his weight.

The milk in the fridge was off, the sink was dirty with old bits of food in the plug hole, the kitchen was unusable, the bathroom sink was dirty. WWYD? I don’t know whether I just have different standards and how’s she living is ok?

Or look at it an other way . When her husband was alive he preferred a different level of domestic bliss and willingly helped provide it.

Now she lives alone she can please herself, relax, do what the hell she likes.

In Casa Butterjam, I can guarantee that whichever of us dies first , there will be a new domestic order.

Does she have family that visit? If not then perhaps just ask how she is coping around the house as you know her DH helped a lot? You could word it in a way that perhaps you are finding things harder these days. I don't think it's intrusive, if she shuts you down straight away I would leave it at that .

Have you asked her how she is coping in general after her husband's death?

It could be that she feels there is no point in making the effort to keep everything sparkling clean now he is no longer there to appreciate it.

Don't specifically mention housework, just say if there is anything at all she needs help with then she only has to ask.

I visit friends to see them, not their house. If she isn't coping it is her husband/ family's concern. I'm sorry, I'm coming across as blunt but don't mean to be. I really don't see stuff in other people's homes.

Apologies, did not realise the lady was widowed.

AuntieE

Have you asked her how she is coping in general after her husband's death?

It could be that she feels there is no point in making the effort to keep everything sparkling clean now he is no longer there to appreciate it.

Don't specifically mention housework, just say if there is anything at all she needs help with then she only has to ask.

Yes, that’s a good plan. Thanks.

I feel that you may be right to be concerned. You know your friend, we don’t.
Have you noticed that her coping skills are deteriorating?
I have a friend whose DH died last year and she was getting less particular about things before that. I spoke to him about it and now he is no longer there to support her friends and family have stepped up.

As the lady's husband has been dead for two years he won't have much input. Although from what the OP says, he probably kept the home clean (er) when he was alive.
I don't think the OP visits her friend in order to be critical. The OP seems to me to be concerned about her friend. She is wondering if her friend is finding it difficult to cope and wondering what, if anything she should do to help.
When one of my friends was in a similar position, food going off in the fridge. Perishable food not kept in the fridge and going off, I realised something was wrong with my friend.
I alerted her daughter, who lived some considerable distance away.
My friend was ultimately diagnosed with dementia.
I'm not suggesting this is the case here, but possibly something is wrong. Maybe depression following the death of her husband.
Alternatively, perhaps the lady is perfectly happy to live like this.
Some people are.

My initial comments are for Homestead62.

I think you are right to wonder if she's OK.
When was your last visit? Was it very different then?
Does she have family?

Hello Aldom, I made a dreadful mess of the post, for some reason hadnt realised the OP was widowed. However, thank you for your reply.

I had an auntie who lived like this. Not dirty as such but very very messy. Piles of clothes on chairs and you had to move them to find somewhere to sit. It you wanted a drink you had to wash a cup and spoon. It used to really bother my mother who was always remarking on it. Obviously she said nothing to my aunt's face. As a child it didnt bother me.