Friend Not Keeping Her House Clean

The obvious problem of writing thoughts online is that our tone, body language and intentions are easily misconstrued. I feel for the OP and also see Whiffs point of view. I am sure that in real life we would all find a lot of mutual empathy. Xx

Why people comment not your business obvious would not worry about the wellbeing of a friend. I am with the people who asked if she had family reasonable near. If there is no improvement soon you may need to mention your concerns to social services as your friend may need help.

Abnuyc123

Aldom

As the lady's husband has been dead for two years he won't have much input. Although from what the OP says, he probably kept the home clean (er) when he was alive.
I don't think the OP visits her friend in order to be critical. The OP seems to me to be concerned about her friend. She is wondering if her friend is finding it difficult to cope and wondering what, if anything she should do to help.
When one of my friends was in a similar position, food going off in the fridge. Perishable food not kept in the fridge and going off, I realised something was wrong with my friend.
I alerted her daughter, who lived some considerable distance away.
My friend was ultimately diagnosed with dementia.
I'm not suggesting this is the case here, but possibly something is wrong. Maybe depression following the death of her husband.
Alternatively, perhaps the lady is perfectly happy to live like this.
Some people are.

Yes that’s exactly the situation. I’m concerned about my friend. The more I think about her situation the more I’m worried. I know we all have different standards but when things are moving towards a health hazard, that can’t be good.

Perhaps you could make gentle suggestions to your friend's children, sounds a bit like dementia to me. My gran's standards plummeted as she aged.

Aldom OP first post . Is that's not criticism. I don't know what is .

Has she got any family you could voice your well intended legitimate concerns to? Don't agree with some that say 'none of your business' It's a health concern and could be an indicator of her not coping!. There is a difference between cleanliness/food hygiene and untidiness.....

Whiff. The OP at no time criticized her friend. The OP showed only concern for her friend. I have been in that position as I said early in the thread. I knew the signs which pointed to my friend being ill and in need of help and support. This is the case with the OP. Nothing unkind was intended by what she wrote.
The OP has undergone a very shocking experience with regard to the circumstances of her husband's fairly recent death. She does not need or deserve to be found fault with.

Oh for goodness sake I wrote in response to what the OP had said as others did .

Thank you for those that know me .

Paint me in any light you like but you said you cared about your friend . Then went on to criticise the state of her house.

You are also a widow which like I said is very raw . Your friend you said has been widowed for 2 years and you widowed just months . Everyone processes grief differently . You don't know exactly what your friend went through with her husband and his death. The same way no one ones but you what you went through with your husband before and after his death.

Yes you are caring but care for your friend and not the state of her house.

Grief hits people differently and their priorities change . Your grief is personal to you as your friends is personal to her. How you handle it is your way . Is not the way she is .

Don't worry I will not post again . But it might help you if you read the bereavement forum threads and see what others have suffered and how they handled it .

Allira

I did not read Whiff's posts like that.

I'm out.

However you or I interpreted Whiff’s posts is what it is, but one thing is absolutely clear, I wasn’t targeting her. I told her she was upsetting me, which is true. I think I also said, she should know when to stop, also true.

I’m upset to be accused of targeting someone, when it’s clearly not true.

EmilyHarburn

Abnuyc123 This is the begining of self neglect. Keep being a good friend and try to establish what may be the mtter. Is your friend depressed? Has ahe felt notingh is worth while anylonger etc. Does she have in by the sink the washing up liquid? Is there still hotwater running from the tap.? My friend who lives miles away from me has relatives who told her that she needed her cleaning lady 2 a week for similar reasons she is neglecting herself because she can no longer plan a meal, etc. fortunately she is happy to have the help and pays for it.

Thank you. I’m going to make sure I see her again next week and I’m going to try and gently find out if she’s ok.

I did not read Whiff's posts like that.

I'm out.

Allira

petra

Abnuyc123

I’m trying hard to not let Whiff upset me but the truth is I am upset from her comments.

Please try not to. That might be hard but think of all the members who understand completely how much you care and are worried.
Sending you a PM.

Careful petra.

This is not pleasant, seeing a longstanding member of Gransnet being targeted in this way.

Whiff has explained how the OP's friend might feel, having experienced the same. She is just advising the OP how gently, gently rather than criticism might be a good way forward.

I have reservations about the whole thread.

To be absolutely accurate here @Allira, it was more that Whiff was targeting me. I let several of her rather harsh comments go and then I told her that she had upset me.

Being a long standing member of a forum is no excuse for posting rather harsh comments. If you reread the thread you will see exactly what I’m getting at.

I’m completely mystified by your rather barbed comment about “the whole thread”.

I’ve posted on here in good faith, asking for advice. Isn’t that what Gransnet is all about?

Abnuyc123 This is the begining of self neglect. Keep being a good friend and try to establish what may be the mtter. Is your friend depressed? Has ahe felt notingh is worth while anylonger etc. Does she have in by the sink the washing up liquid? Is there still hotwater running from the tap.? My friend who lives miles away from me has relatives who told her that she needed her cleaning lady 2 a week for similar reasons she is neglecting herself because she can no longer plan a meal, etc. fortunately she is happy to have the help and pays for it.

petra

Abnuyc123

I’m trying hard to not let Whiff upset me but the truth is I am upset from her comments.

Please try not to. That might be hard but think of all the members who understand completely how much you care and are worried.
Sending you a PM.

Careful petra.

This is not pleasant, seeing a longstanding member of Gransnet being targeted in this way.

Whiff has explained how the OP's friend might feel, having experienced the same. She is just advising the OP how gently, gently rather than criticism might be a good way forward.

I have reservations about the whole thread.

Abnuyc123

I’m trying hard to not let Whiff upset me but the truth is I am upset from her comments.

Please try not to. That might be hard but think of all the members who understand completely how much you care and are worried.
Sending you a PM.

TY Patsy57. I am just frightened for him,

Please Whiff - no. The. woman is just concerned.- for goodness sake

Please - don't criticise - but I am the same! Do tell me to help a friend - 75 and abit lame - how to keep his flat clean enough to pass his Sheltered Housing inspections? He is at great risk of being turned out!

Grandmabatty

Might she have cataracts? I've had both eyes operated on this year and I hadn't realised how bad my kitchen looked as I genuinely hadn't seen stains. The kickboard was disgusting! My cupboard doors were badly marked etc.

Just what I was thinking. I had a friend who wasn’t very fussy but she hid the fact very well that her eyesight was very bad.

alisonsmith4!!!! me too!lol

I sincerely hope you never visit my house!

Too long a back story to post here but sister went from 'lifestyle choice' to setting pizza on fire. Next minute sectioned. She doesn't understand or accept that she could probably still be in her home if she had accepted family offers of help, allowed carers and cleaners to do their jobs. A very sad situation.

Does she need her eyes tested or doesn't wear glasses in her home?
I seldom wear my glasses indoors and I don't see the dust.

I think I live in that sort of house and I think you would feel the same if you visited me - unless I know you were coming a few days in advance and had time to do some extra tidying up!

My perspective is, I would like help but it is very difficult to get non-judgemental help.
And where do you get it? Social Service help has been so heavily cut in the last years that your friend probably would not qualify. Getting a private cleaner is very hard. Friends want you to 'get better', but you can't always.

I think she probably, just like me, needs help from someone who just accepts who she is but most people try to encourage you to - walk more, just do 10 minutes tidying up a day, volunteer!!! Oh the list goes on and on of what people think you should do!
It's hard to get out of this situation, if she wants to. If she is very well off, probably she could pay an agency to clean the house regularly. Otherwise, difficult.

I have enough people, neighbours etc who don't hesitate to tell me what needs to be done. I know it does in their eyes. But what gives anyone the right to comment on how I live (though my upbringing etc. absolutely silently agrees 'I must conform'!
But, also, self neglect can be a serious medical sign of depression. loneliness.

At least she let you into the house. I know many people would just make an excuse not to let you in.

Is it just her house or also garden - things you know she cares about. Is she still interested in the things she always was? Does she do anything all day or just sit about?

Maybe she doesn't see just herself as deserving to live well.
'It's just me, it doesn't matter' is how many of us feel.

It can be temporary, stay as it is or could get worse. From what you say, it doesn't sound too bad tbh.
Maybe just go, have a regular coffee - at a cafe would also be good occasionally, to get her out if she goes out less than before? Ignore the mess. Show her you value her for herself, she may not be feeling very valued at the moment.

I have a great friend who always seemed to appear at the door when every thing was a mess. I mentioned this and she said, I come to see you, not your home, but if I can help, just ask.

I hate housework too, so I tend to blitz.

However, people do grieve differently, and if she has slipped in to a habit, then she may need help to pull out. Ask her if she is OK, or does she need help (not mentioning housework). If you are putting the kettle on, just simply empty the plug as you go without saying anything.

butterandjam

Abnuyc123

I went to my friend’s house and I’ve been left concerned about the state of her house. I know she’s never been keen on housework but I think her late husband more than pulled his weight.

The milk in the fridge was off, the sink was dirty with old bits of food in the plug hole, the kitchen was unusable, the bathroom sink was dirty. WWYD? I don’t know whether I just have different standards and how’s she living is ok?

Or look at it an other way . When her husband was alive he preferred a different level of domestic bliss and willingly helped provide it.

Now she lives alone she can please herself, relax, do what the hell she likes.

In Casa Butterjam, I can guarantee that whichever of us dies first , there will be a new domestic order.

I dislike housework, and as I live alone I can please myself and as I still work part time at home, work comes first. Anyone arriving unexpectedly might find my sink and surroundings full of dishes as I don’t ’Wash Up’ much except for delicates, but wait til I have a dishwasher load then stack it all in in one go and clean around then. If expecting visitors I usually clear up in advance. I expect your friend didn’t know the milk was off, maybe she bought too much buying the same amount for 2 so it went off. She’ll soon realise when she tries to use it.
My housework, or not is a choice, but , as some have said it may be a case of keeping watch in case she is depressed after her husbands death. It may be that she has lapsed happily in not keeping things up to scratch but will now do ‘periodic’ cleans. The plug hole with food scraps in may be from a meal she had earlier, but didn’t clean up on the spot…many of us don’t you know! Far better things to do … it gets done when needed! I keep most places hygienic, but many would think it cluttered. Horses for courses!