People pleaser extraordinaire

I don’t see why anyone would judge you, surely this is a common problem where one partner is friendly with someone but the other half of the couples don’t really know one another and haven’t chosen to be friends. In the circumstances I would carry on with the Xmas card this year, see if you receive one from her and let her make the first move for a meet up.

If M has lots of friends and a busy social life would just step back and if she contacts you maybe find a suitable excuse for not meeting up, she may well be relieved, this could work both ways. Certainly she doesn’t seem too inclined to reach out.
Keep up with the cards if you want but if she doesn’t send any back just knock it on the head.
You are not a horrible person just an observant one attuned to Ms responses.
Would say that you have read the room on this occasion, as the saying goes.

As couples you were casual friends but nothing very close. That relationship effectively ended when her husband died. It’s clear neither of you want the friendship to continue. You said yourself she has a lot of friends and a busy social life.

As a widow myself, I know that it can be painful to continue those casual “couple” friendships. All that did was to remind me that I was no longer half of the couple that used to make up the foursome. Now I was the odd one out in a party of three. I let most of these people go after I found myself smiling through yet another meal out, listening to an evening of "we did this" and "we are planning to do that" only to go home and cry because I was no longer half of a "we".

I have no idea if she would feel the same but she is as capable of contacting you as you are of her. That neither of you are doing so should tell you something. You were never keen on her and maybe the feeling was mutual. She has moved on. She is building her new life.

You can let go.

I think she’s given you a lot of hints that she doesn’t want to continue the friendship but you’re not picking them up, are you?
Just stop phoning her, she wont shed any tears.

One of the consolations of widowhood was that I didn’t have to keep up friendships with people I never liked much, but had to be civil to because my husband was friendly with the man.

Oh the relief.

She’s been pretty clear I think about viewing you as a bit of an obligation.

Sounds as if she feels the same way that you do??
As you say she has lots of friends and a busy social life.
You contacted her sympathetically when she was widowed. if you two meet accidentally there is no reason, therefore, for you not to feel and be civil to one another
I should stop worrying and just let this go.....

Please don’t feel bad about your lack of contact, forgive yourself.

In these situations I find it easier to catch up socially in the community - could you have short chats in a social setting that is less engineered (village hall, coffee mornings, library etc - depending on what’s on your doorstep).

As a widow I too don’t want to be fussed with formal meeting arrangements, but I do welcome short informal catch ups but in social settings

As two or three years have elapsed since your friend was widowed I wouldn't bother to resume a relationship you clearly don't want. Widows and newly divorced people, having become spare parts through lack of a man, rapidly become accustomed to being persona non grata in their previous social circle, and learn to make a new life for themselves.
I just wonder how you know that she has lots of friends and a busy social life and isn't sitting at home feeling miserable, as you haven't been in touch.

It's not always possible to like a couple and get on well with both of them.
It happens a lot -politeness means that we tolerate the situation and often for years .
My mother had a really lovely Dutch friend,but her English husband was vile .
She socialised with them until they died -a 40 year long awkward relationship.
If you aren't keen on being friends with this lady she probably isn't that keen on you and you're both being polite .
No need for a dramatic breaking up .
Maybe just keep up the annual Christmas and and wish her well and happy.
It's always painful to break a friendship up .
Don't feel guilty.
I'm sure that you are a nice sociable person .

Let your friendship drift ....

Think of the future. If you were to go for a coffee with her, what would pan out from it? Would you be doing all the contacting, conversation etc? I have noticed in the area where I live, a couple of widows, who I thought I would mention going out for coffee with because they were widowed, were actually doing fine. Grandchildren stepped in. Indeed one of them, who I would stop to chat with, ticked me off in our local shop for not standing in the right queue. If people want you, they will find you, which allows you the space to develop meaningful friendships that are mutual. You are under no obligation to provide companionship for someone who you do not sync with naturally.

I have got myself into all sorts of pickles by by being a people pleaser. My husband despairs.

Hmm.

This is hard to explain unless you’ve actually experienced it.

When you are widowed there are people who support you in making your new life. They are there because essentially they like you, like being with you and they help you move forward.

And then there are those who rally round because they are sorry for you. They mean well but after the initial thankfulness you feel for any support, those people actually become a hindrance. Because they do see you as someone in need to whom they must be kind, even if they don’t really want to spend time with you.

Friends, this is destructive. People want to be be wanted for themselves not because they are to pitied. When you know that people are doing that it actually takes away your confidence to to make friends and suggest outings, because people might only be saying yes because they are sorry for you.

Please don’t treat anyone differently because they are “a widow”. You are both still yourselves. Behave towards then as you would normally. That really is the best way to be kind.

A worl colleague's husband died. I knew them both but only as colleagues. At his funeral I said that if ever she fancied going for a coffee to let me know. She did and we went out a few times. On one occasion she said to me 'I go out with people now who I wouldn't have dreamt of going out with when J was alive. No offence'

Yes, I think that’s what you do to begin with. One bit of advice I got was Say yes to everything, and I think that was helpful because, after all, you are making a different life and you don’t quite know what will be in it or indeed quite who you are any more.

But there comes a point where you get a sense of your new self and then people who mean to be kind, but who still see you as “the poor widow” actually aren’t helpful because they still hold you, in their own minds, at that place in your life when you were the poor widow and they had to be kind. And to be honest, that’s how they tend to treat you when you meet up.

It’s really hard to explain, but unless that’s where you want to stay, they don’t really help you any more.

You feel and I gather always have felt that M is not interested in a friendship with you, so let it go.

If she does get in touch with you, suggest having a coffee somewhere and go on from there

There is no reason I can see for you to feel guilty - it was your husbands who were friends, you and M seem just to have tagged along.

Kate1949

A worl colleague's husband died. I knew them both but only as colleagues. At his funeral I said that if ever she fancied going for a coffee to let me know. She did and we went out a few times. On one occasion she said to me 'I go out with people now who I wouldn't have dreamt of going out with when J was alive. No offence'

🙈

Friendship is a two way thing, if you find they don’t contact you now and again and you always have to be the one to suggest meetings, then let it go and don’t feel guilty.

Excellent comment Lathyrus3.
honeyrose, I'd really check she really has a busy social life.
It's well documented that after the death of a partner, even good friends drop you because they feel uncomfortable, don't know what to say, even guilty that they are still part of a couple etc. If she really does have a good circle, I'd left things drift, just Christmas cards etc.
You could possibly ask her to a group event and see if she accepts - or ask her if she needs help with any 2 person tasks? Depending on her health of course.
She won't want pity, but in a compassionate society, I feel we should stay in some sort of contact if we can.

If I were you I would write a little note in her Christmas card saying that you hope she is well and adding that, if she would like to meet up for a coffee or lunch, to let you know. Make it friendly and chatty but if she doesn’t respond then consider that you’ve done your bit and move on.

I do t really do the whole friends thing. However I do feel sorry for people who are going the horrible stuff.

Thanks for your responses everyone. I do now feel somewhat vindicated for not having contacted my acquaintance, M. Your replies have enabled me to see things in a rather different light, one way or another. I suppose in the past I’ve really felt empathy for M (and honestly still do), after losing her DH, and that’s why I should be supportive, but we really don’t hit it off and that’s why I have deferred contacting her. She has an adult daughter who she’s very close to, emotionally and logistically, she also has several friends and belongs to several clubs and societies, she has hobbies and is a very active member of the church. I doubt if things have changed in that regard, although as we’ve not been in contact for a couple of years, I can’t say for sure that she still has these involvements. I know for certain that if I were widowed, I’d want my friends to be supportive, but I don’t think I was ever a proper friend to M - our 2 husbands were the friends (but as I said before, they were casual friends, not close friends). I also realise that it’s not a pre-requisite of being a close friend to be supportive of someone - ie I could still support her even as a casual acquaintance. Sounds like I’m making excuses, and I’m waffling, but I now know that I want to stay in the background. If she contacted me to go for coffee, I’d accept, but I think I’d just like to leave things as they are now. Thanks again.

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