Asking for hand in marriage

My daughter's long term live in boyfriend asked me if he could ask my daughter to marry him. My answer? 'no problem, once you get a job'. He had been unemployed for quite a while. He now has a full time job so I'll wait and see.

ViceVersa

Not as such, my daughter's now husband did come to see us before he asked her to marry him, and said he knew she wouldn't want him to ask for our 'permission', as she's nobody's property, but he just wanted to know that we were happy with it, which I thought was quite sweet.

Our future SiL did similar.

I have an older cousin. Many years ago her long-term boyfriend asked for a meeting with her and her parents, my aunt and uncle, to discuss his proposal of marriage.
We were told later he'd brought his bank statements and assured them he was in a good position to be able to support their daughter and a family.
They were very impressed with how seriously he was taking his responsibilities.
(They're still married now).

A woman is not property. Only she gives herself permission to marry. Lot’s of unsavory practices stem from “tradition”. Doesn’t make it okay. I find it a crude thing to do tbh.

Our DS asked his future FIL for our DIL’s hand in marriage. He (the FIL) thought it was wonderful.

My DH mentioned marriage to my dad one evening when they were out for a pint, and my dad said that was fine, but he didn’t know what then boyfriend saw in me. DH was unwise enough to tell me that!

First husband asked my dad ‘for my hand in marriage’. Wish he’d refused, particularly as I later discovered dad had never liked him.
DS did phone me from holiday in Thailand to say he was about to propose to his GF, which I thought was rather lovely of him.

My DS asked both his prospective PiL and outlined how he would commit to supporting their daughter, 20 years ago.

My first DH spoke with my DF after he’d bought the ring. It was a respect thing.

It would be a shame if all old traditions disappeared.

No

surely we are being a little too women's lib if we throw all old traditions out of the window? I think so AuntieE.

My DIL asked me, if I thought she could make my son happy, as she already had a teenage son and did not want more children.

I said that he had often said he did not particularly want children and advised her to talk to him about it. I also told her, that whether they did or did not have a child or children, was their business entirely, and neither my husband nor I would try to influence them, nor criticise the decision they came to.

No, women are not possessions, but surely we are being a little too women's lib if we throw all old traditions out of the window?

Would the wedding service not be extremely boring if we revised it so completely that no-one promised to love and cherish their spouse in sickness or in health etc.?

Upon being asked, my father looked at my husband-to-be very doubtfully and said "I suppose you know what you are doing?"

Thank you all for your replies…and engagement stories 😀

Oops, sorry! I see you mean single or widowed mums and I took it to mean everyone!

Beechnut

Have any of you grans been asked for your daughter’s hand in marriage (or blessing)?
It’s not happened to me, I’m just wondering if it has happened to any of you widowed or single mums.

Surely it’s the dads, not the mums who are asked this?

I was asked by my daughter's ex if I would mind if he asked her. We happened to be standing together in a queue at the time, and Daughter and husband were waiting for us at the table. He caught my husband separately later that day, and spoke to him.

I liked that he thought my opinion was as important as Husband's, but hadn't expected either of us to be asked. I'm sure he would have asked her regardless of our responses, but wanted to be sure he would be welcomed into the family. It had absolutely nothing to do with ownership - what a preposterous idea. My daughter, rightly, was always going to do what was right for her in such matters, as did I. It was about recognising that marriage is about joining an existing family as well as creating a new one, and I thought it was a nice touch.

As it was, she didn't want to marry him and they broke up a year or two later.

Grandma70s

Wyllow3

Good way of dropping a hint about shelling out for the wedding

(I'm joking, Grans!)

I know you’re joking, Wyllow3, but seriously, do parents still pay for their children’s weddings? Seems extraordinary, if so. We paid for our own, and that was more than 50 years ago.

Well, haven't helped pay for one for some years now but we all contributed. The in-laws, us and the happy couples.

But our DC are not extravagant. When I look at some weddings now, the cost would be a deposit for a house!

Wyllow3

Good way of dropping a hint about shelling out for the wedding

(I'm joking, Grans!)

I know you’re joking, Wyllow3, but seriously, do parents still pay for their children’s weddings? Seems extraordinary, if so. We paid for our own, and that was more than 50 years ago.

DaisyAnneReturns

It's nice that some found it touching, but aren't the most important people in this the couple getting married?

If they're happy to get a parents permission/blessing that's great. If they feel happy to "tell not ask" surely that's great too?

In my DD's case she felt that it was further proof that she was marrying a decent chap - ie one who showed consideration to her parents

eddiecat78

It's nothing to do with ownership these days. It's more a shorthand way of telling the father/mother that he intends to ask their daughter and to reassure them that he will take care of her.
DH was very touched that SIL "asked" him.
DS also informed us and his future father in law that he was going to propose - mainly to reassure us that he had thought very carefully about it, having already had one disastrous marriage!

Of course it is about ownership, everything in your post is about ownership.

The vast majority of parents will already know the potential spouse and know what they think of them.

Their daughter will marry the person of ch1oice no matter what their father says.

Why only ask the father, not the mother, as an either or, and why does the woman not ask one of the man's parents so that they can see that she will look after their son properly?

Asking consent is a throwback to when women were always the possession of a man whether father, guardian or spouse.

Lovely stories, Marydoll

DH (slightly tipsy) proposed to me under a lamppost. No difference 😂

Or should I call you Lili Marlene?

It's nice that some found it touching, but aren't the most important people in this the couple getting married?

If they're happy to get a parents permission/blessing that's great. If they feel happy to "tell not ask" surely that's great too?

It's nothing to do with ownership these days. It's more a shorthand way of telling the father/mother that he intends to ask their daughter and to reassure them that he will take care of her.
DH was very touched that SIL "asked" him.
DS also informed us and his future father in law that he was going to propose - mainly to reassure us that he had thought very carefully about it, having already had one disastrous marriage!

My SIL took my DH on a surprise flight to Islay, to visit the whisky distilleries.
I was asked to have his passport ready and told that a taxi would pick him up early in the morning. DH had no idea what was going on, I suspected what was going on.

They spent the day going round the distilleries and had an extremely mellow time.
By the time they got back to Glasgow, SIL still hadn't plucked up courage to DH's permission to marry DD. DH had eventually cottoned on and asked if there was something he wanted to ask, poor SIL was extremely nervous and blurted it out.
Asking DH's permission endeared him to me even more, I love him like a son and my children treat him like a brother.

Every year on the May holiday weekend, since she was a wee girl, DD's birthday treat has been a visit to Dumbarton Castle.
SIL took her there on the pretext of having a day out. When they got to the top, it's a killer climb he proposed to her with the most beautiful ring.💕

DH (slightly tipsy) proposed to me under a lamppost. No difference.😂