I feel I have to look out for my son's ex

I would keep checking on her but not invite her for Christmas unless you think she will help you with the cooking etc.

Check on her by all means, but not on Christmas Day.

Where will your son be?

That sound so very kind and caring. Certainly keep in contact and make sure she is ok. If you have family including your Son on Christmas day it could be a bit awkward Try and find out what she is doing and what she would like to do as well as asking your Son for his view.

I think the situation sounds lovely.

I would invite her if you can manage it, and if doesnt cause upset somewhere.

You sound like a very caring person Elless I'm sure the ex is glad of your support.
Continue to help where you can is my advice but check with your son about the Christmas day invitation.

What does your son think?

What are your personal feelings about her - all else being equal?

If she's someone you personally like/resonate with then go ahead. If she's someone you only put up with for the sake of your son = somewhat different circumstances.

Nearly 40 years later and I'm still good friends with what could have been a mother-in-law of mine. For anyone working it out as to how that's possible = he was the boyfriend that was noticeably younger than me and hence she's not old enough to be my mother iyswim (ie and I could understand her being initially wary of me).

Reason why we're still good friends = she's a nice and caring person and we've got various interests in common (trade unionism, healthy food, standing up for ourselves or others if we have to, etc). So we move swiftly past what we havent got in common - onto what we have got in common.

So - yep...check it out whether you feel she's someone you'd be good friends with anyway - quite apart from having your son in common and base your decision on that.

I'd check with your son first. I had a very close relationship with my now ex DIL which caused a lot of friction with my immediate family who accused me of putting the ex first which wasn't true. Why do some people assume that just when there is a relationship breakdown that it also means that everyone else has to cut all ties. My children went out with some lovely people who I got on well with but as soon as they'd split up. No mobiles or social media in those days to keep in touch easily with them. I really missed those ex's

You sound lovely and caring 💐.

Please check with your son first before inviting her to Christmas. I understand your feelings, but remember that your relationship with your son comes first. However amicable a break-up appears, both parties are entitled to a bit of space from one another. Best not to create potentially awkward moments; it would defeat the purpose of your kindness.

It’s really kind of you, Elless. My ex husbands family were the only family I had and I missed them terribly when we divorced. I also lost most of our mutual friends, too, as they had been my husbands friends. It isn’t something we think of when in a relationship that we assume will last.

Perhaps check with your son to see how he feels? Their relationship is over. He may feel awkward regarding continued contact by his family.

I would keep in touch. She sounds like she became another daughter. It sounds like it's friendly between her and your son, but I doubt he wants to keep falling over her, especially when he gets a new girlfriend.

Why not invite her before/after Christmas instead of Christmas Day? Or take her out for lunch somewhere and spend a few hours with her.

AmberGran

I would keep in touch. She sounds like she became another daughter. It sounds like it's friendly between her and your son, but I doubt he wants to keep falling over her, especially when he gets a new girlfriend.

Why not invite her before/after Christmas instead of Christmas Day? Or take her out for lunch somewhere and spend a few hours with her.

That's what I would favour personally and what my "coulda-been-mother in law" did (ie when I was still living in same city as her). She did things like take me out for a meal - just the two of us. Invite me round for meals with herself and my coulda-been father-in-law. Her son (my ex) accepts that if it's something very major (ie his fathers recent funeral) that I will be there and that at times he'll walk into his mothers house and see a bunch of flowers I've sent to her (just because she needed it).

Find out what your son will be doing and how he feels first.
You could invite her another day over Christmas and she might even be visiting her own family, perhaps.

I do know people who have kept in close touch with their children's ex partners, more often if there are children to consider.
We even went to a wedding once where both mothers were there, plus mother of the ex-husband! The bride explained that just because she disliked her ex-husband, didn't mean she didn't love her ex-mother-in-law. All seemed very amicable.

I'm having a full shoulder replacement next week
Book a meal out - but be quick!
You can't be lifting pans etc.

I'm pretty sure the very last thing she wants or needs this year, is to spend an excruciatingly tense and awkward Christmas day being festive and jolly with her ex and his family.

I hated my mother being friendly with my ex and his family. Particularly his sister who was busybody who loved a bit of gossip. In the end I told my mother it was up to her who she was friends with but she could have them in her life or she could have me.

My son has been very mature about it and said he doesn't mind her coming for dinner but that was before my operation was brought forward. I do love her but she tends to have no concept of time and I know if she comes she will stay all day. My son always has plans with his friends, he would come for a few hours, have dinner and then go to meet his friends. We are about half an hours drive away.

I think I would do the same. It is so kind of you to look after her. Couples don't go into relationships other than they love each other and these things happens. X

1. Why do you have so much on your plate with a new grandchild?
2. Full shoulder replacement in a couple of weeks. Do you have any idea what the recovery will be like? Think I'd be cancelling Christmas less there were a fair number of volunteers doing all the work never mind. Will DSs ex be a useful addition for the day, if not, afraid no invitation.

My input. lol. Just be kind to yourself if not inviting for dinner maybe meet for a yummy tea and cake. Best wishes for your op

Be straight forward, if she and your son split amicably it may be ok with him. ask him, and say to her if you could come that would be lovely as I will need help after my op. Then there is another year to pass before next xmas and things will have changed a lot.

I lost all my in-law family, and ALL of our mutual friends. My ex threatened me with “they’re MY friends so stay away and stop contacting them” . Rather a childish way to behave and I soon realised that they weren’t genuine friends anyway so I was better off without them, had they really cared they’d have contacted me……and didn’t.

Check 8n with her occasionally but best not to try to be a family replacement, you have enough to contend with surely.

It's Christmas, you like her, she likes you (and seems to value you) and your son is mature about it. Surely that's what Christmas is all about? Of course, you need to keep the boundaries. Insist on whatever help you need (which may be quite a lot) and make it clear when guests need to go - as you will be recovering from the op. It seems to me to come down to BOUNDARIES! Good luck and I hope your Christmas is warm and enjoyable.