No thanks.

they love me, that’s enough

Wyllow, this is the conclusion I reached when reading through this thread. Love between grandparents and grandchildren is precious. I love my children, the parents of those grandchildren but there’s something special about seeing the next generation growing up.

I’ve heard not a peep from my older two but I know they care about me and when I see them, big hugs all round. That’s often when a thanks for x is spoken. This is such a time of high emotion and rushing around, I’ve decided not to worry about not getting a thank you text

I usually give my DS a jumper from M n S on his birthday. I don't get direct thanks, but a photo is always sent back with him wearing it. I dont usually get thanks from the GC but sometimes get similar photos. I'm content. They love me...that's enough.

My DM used to complain about not getting ’thank yous’ from some of her GC but I once asked her if she thanked them for the presents they always sent to her. The next day she gave me letters to post to them. They all got in touch to thank her for the letters and her gifts. Let’s hope we all practice what we preach.

A thank you is manners, I quite agree. But gratitude? Maybe we are defining it differently, but to me it means being in someone’s debt, and I don’t like the idea that buying for children (or anyone, really) makes them indebted.

As I keep saying though, I do think that thanking people for gifts is the right thing to do - I’m not sure why I seem to be assumed to think otherwise. I am just trying to understand what seems to be a widening gulf between generations when it comes to presents and the expectations they often hold.

Doodledog

I agree with that, Aveline. Gratitude for kindness is a good thing, I think. But gratitude for bath salts or similar? I'm not so sure.

A thoughtful present is a lovely thing, whether it is a diamond tiara or a plastic keyring, if it is clear to the recipient that it was bought with love and consideration it is priceless. But being told to be grateful because someone can afford to give you a gift card or something is just not the same thing, IMO. Maybe my views are tainted by the way I was brought up though.

Gratitude for bath salts or similar? Yes! A thank you should be forthcoming whatever the present, forget love and consideration 🙄

You sound very hurt, Sueinkent, and that's a shame when you have been generous to your grandchildren. I hope you do ask them why they haven't thanked you, and that their answer is one that makes you feel better. Maybe they are waiting until they've spent them to thank you for what they've bought?

Did they thank you when you said you'd get them vouchers? Maybe they assumed that would be enough? You won't know unless you ask though, and if there isn't a decent answer it might make them think about their attitude and the impact it's had on you.

I personally give gifts to my grandchildren and they say thank you and open at the time , now they are all earning much more than me and it's just £50 plus shall gift. There is absolutely nothing I need and I am pleased just to see them so I asked for small amount in a gift voucher which I use to buy myself flowers about a month after Christmas.
I was made to write thankyou letters and buy cards but young people now just text and whats app, I won't ever stop sending them a card or buying a present even if they don't bother and I see little of them with their busy lives as there's none I love more. One gd 1 see only once or twice a year and
other 3 not a lot more,all too busy.
If I didn't see them and had to send it and not acknowledged I would either ring or message asking if they had received it.

Basically they are spoilt to death.

Also,I will say that they both get so much at Christmas, any present from GP gets lost in the mire. And I do mean a lot. It goes on all day Christmas day and all day Boxing day. Parcel after parcel.

I have contacted them by WA and asked if they received them ok so we’ll see. The one sure way of getting them to respond at any time is to ask them what they want. That ensures a response I’m afraid.

Notspagetti. The cards were delivered to their door with a gift message. Signed for.

Doodledog. I bought gift cards because they told me that is what they wanted.

I don’t have grandchildren but my DC were taught to thank someone for a present. Initially I got them to write a card and then with phones they text or phone the person .
I used to send Christmas and birthday presents to a good friends 4 dgc , but I very rarely got a thank you from her AC or the DGC, the oldest are 8 and 10 . . 2 aren’t local and I had to post their presents. I didn’t even get an acknowledgment that they’d received the present . And when I asked my friend, she’d thank me on their behalf and make excuses about how busy they are. This Christmas I haven’t sent anything

SueDonim

I see what you’re saying, Doodledog but I’m not sure I agree. I think what you’re saying could also be regarded as taking things for granted and entitlement. Some of that attitude is being seen loud and clear in certain sections of society now and it’s not pretty, as we more ‘normal’ members of society are making clear.

I see what you're saying too, and agree up to a point, but there are things that we all take for granted now - clean water, enough food (for most of us), free education and health, that sort of thing. We might stop to appreciate those things now and then, but on the whole people are no longer 'grateful' for them in the way they would have been in a different age, or even nowadays in a different country.

I suppose what I'm asking is whether maybe the lives of younger grandchildren are so different from those of older grandparents that comparisons don't make sense any more? I don't know the answer, but I do think that asking the offending grandchildren would be a good way to find out their views on the matter.

Please come back Sueinkent and tell me if you know your grandchildren had even received the card on Christmas day when you saw them...

I remember reading one lady say she could ensure a visit from her grandchildren by sending them a cheque, but ‘forgetting’ to sign it!
If I don’t hand my grandchildren their festive money in person, the calls or messages all arrive within minutes of each other, obviously under orders from our eldest granddaughter!

It's a shame, a text or email takes minutes to send and say thank you. If not in person.

I see what you’re saying, Doodledog but I’m not sure I agree. I think what you’re saying could also be regarded as taking things for granted and entitlement. Some of that attitude is being seen loud and clear in certain sections of society now and it’s not pretty, as we more ‘normal’ members of society are making clear.

As a child , I was told to sit down and write thank you letters to each person who'd given me a gift .
I wrote in ink on notelets and my mother checked each one carefully . The importance of being polite and well mannered was emphasised by her .
I'm not including friends who came to birthday parties.
But then my childhood was very different from the childhood of my children and grandchildren .
Looking back ,my patents would have had Victorian relatives and the influence of their their strict standards would have been evident .
If I compare myself to my friends-I think that my mother was a stricter than most of their parents .
The idea of saying no to her was unthinkable.

It's just plain good manners to thank someone who's given you something. No need to overthink it.

I agree with that, Aveline. Gratitude for kindness is a good thing, I think. But gratitude for bath salts or similar? I'm not so sure.

A thoughtful present is a lovely thing, whether it is a diamond tiara or a plastic keyring, if it is clear to the recipient that it was bought with love and consideration it is priceless. But being told to be grateful because someone can afford to give you a gift card or something is just not the same thing, IMO. Maybe my views are tainted by the way I was brought up though.

I think that manners will never not be important and noted by others. A young acquaintance of mine never thanks anyone for anything they may have given them or done for them. She now complains bitterly about not being appreciated in the workplace.
My boss was a notably charming and popular woman who always took time to privately compliment any of us who she thought had done well in our work. We felt noticed, thanked and continued to do as well as possible at work.

I would have asked those GC if they had received them OK. I bought actual presents for our 5 GC (2 are step-grandchildren). One is 11, three are teenagers. Each one messaged me to say Thank You. I don't agree that all kids are entitled. Some are plain rude.

I think that managing expectations is important, as is communication, and on this topic there never seems to be any - just resentment and hurt, which is such a shame.

As I said upthread, I can't explain it, but the people who might understand why the change has happened (the youngsters) aren't being asked. In fact in many cases they are being cut off from future presents, so the givers will probably never find out. That does feel (to me) as though they are doing so for themselves, rather than for the recipients.

Social changes mean that for many people, life has changed radically when it comes to consumer items. When I was a child, adults were always giving us sweets, much to my mother's irritation. Mum would always make us keep them for later rather than gorge on them when we got them, but we were expected to be very thankful to the aunts and uncles who had rooted in their bags or pockets to find a sugary treat for us.

I asked my mum about it and she said it stemmed from the war when sweets were rare, and from the rationing that followed. The aunts grew up when sweets were a real treat, and givers of them were seen as treasures. That was all entirely beyond my experience, so I just didn't understand why I was supposed to be so grateful for a hairy barley sugar, or a chocolate bar that had to be shared with my siblings. Times had changed.

At the same time, I remember when toys were only given on birthdays and at Christmas, so they were a real treat. By the time my children came along (90s babies) things had changed beyond recognition. Toys were readily available and living standards had risen, so they got toys all year round. Whilst they were brought up to thank those who gave them, they didn't look after them as carefully as we did, as they knew that if they got lost or broken there would be more. It was nobody's 'fault' - just that we, along with many members of my generation, wanted to give our children more than we'd had. I think that's natural - my mum's generation had done the same, but as they were war babies the bar was much lower. To them, giving sweets was a big treat, so they expected big thanks. My mum was always telling me that my children 'had far too much' and wouldn't be grateful for what they had, but I didn't want them to be grateful - to me, gratitude is not the virtue that my mum considers it to be, or not when it comes to consumer items, anyway.

I wonder if this is what's happening now? Children and teens have so much more of everything (if they are lucky - obviously there are many people using foodbanks and live in poverty) so they don't see them as as a big deal as the givers do? Maybe we are superimposing our generation's values onto a generation that just doesn't share them.

It's a shame, as grandparents get hurt, and the children may have no idea why they are being cut off, or treated differently from their siblings or cousins. I suspect that in 20 years the Christmas extravagances we are used to will have died out, much like Christmas cards are doing. If that happens and I'm still around, I'm sure I will miss it, as I remember Christmas as being about excitement and anticipation, and would like to pass that down the generations, but depending on how life pans out between now and then, it may no longer be appropriate to do things the way we used to. Life changes. Even those who used to insist that writing and sending cards was about 'being bothered' are now saying that stamps are so expensive that they are not 'bothering' to send as many, showing that it wasn't about the 'bother' at all.

I really can't get on board with a 'one strike and you're out' policy for family, though. That feels very transactional to me. I agree that manners cost nothing, and would never leave a gift unrecognised, but at the same time, I am aware that you can't buy love.

It might seem simplistic, and the young people may not understand what the fuss is about, but if I had given £50 to a teenager with no recognition of it, when I saw them I would talk to them about why not. The chances are that both of us would learn something from the conversation.

I don’t know why , but I think my oldest GD, feels that her older brother has always been the favourite. I have never treated them. I don’t give physical gifts, but I give them very generous amounts of money.
My grandson is always grateful, but my GD never acknowledges the money, no thankyou , nothing. I sent their Xmas money weeks in advance. , so they could buy what they wanted. GS thanked. Nothing from GD.. I wonder whether she feels second best and thinks no matter what, my brother will always be the favourite . If so, I have to redress the balance. I have to sort things out.