Requesting permission to take children out

Well, my thoughts are that I would not do any of those things.

I would not let my grandchild get to age 6 without asking if you would like some sort of break and enjoying their company.

I would not corner a 6 year old grandchild alone and make any sort of promises about anything without talking to my son or daughter first.

I would not consider taking one grandchild alone. If I could not manage 2 children I would make a plan where I could manage, especially as a first time. The only time I would consider having a grandchild alone is if the other had special plans that day like a birthday party with friends. I would not want to risk showing any favouritism and we all know or should know that children are sensitive to things like this and should be treated equally.

I have never been in this situation but I do feel you are right in your discomfort. I also get the impression they are wrong to try and treat you as anything less than you deserve. You are the parent. These are bonus adults that not all families get or have. They respect your parenting and your choices and that is that. You do not seem to be the sort to deliver those boundaries rudely. Stick to your guns.

The Grandparents did not make a mistake they were crafty, they are clearly favouring the six year and the cousin who is the same age as the sister they were planning to leave out.
I would tell these sly Grandparents how dissapointed I was in their behaviour and how they would have to earn back my trust. Not all Grandparents are right.

Smileless2012

Yes, a conversation is required but a long break at this stage isn't.

How is there a problem with a long break?

Smileless2012

The OP and her husband aren't letting it go, he's going to talk to his parents and has probably done so by now Norah.

I didn't see anything from the OP to suggest that her in laws are neither calm nor rational. The GM did the wrong thing, people do make mistakes and calm and rational adults find constructive ways of dealing with them.

Taking a long break is akin to punishing them as they wont see their son or GC. That doesn't sound like a calm and rational response to me, or one that is good for the relationship in the long term unless of course low or no contact is being suggested.

Not punishment, imo people use breaks to assess rationally, calm down and could be quite good for their relationship.

They may need lower contact to deal constructively.

Yes, a conversation is required but a long break at this stage isn't.

I think the OP is concerned about the behaviour of the in laws,not only did they not speak to the parents, they spoke to a 6 year old first
They are also planning to take the four year old cousin as the well, the same age as the second child. This does smack of favouritism and I would put a stop to that immediately.
In my opinion the Grandparents did not make a mistake, they were being crafty. A strong conversation by the Father is required.

The OP and her husband aren't letting it go, he's going to talk to his parents and has probably done so by now Norah.

I didn't see anything from the OP to suggest that her in laws are neither calm nor rational. The GM did the wrong thing, people do make mistakes and calm and rational adults find constructive ways of dealing with them.

Taking a long break is akin to punishing them as they wont see their son or GC. That doesn't sound like a calm and rational response to me, or one that is good for the relationship in the long term unless of course low or no contact is being suggested.

Smileless2012

Why the need for a long break!!! OP's husband has said he will talk to his parents so unless it happens again, let it go.

Long break may be needed to become calm and rational, these grandparents are neither. Letting things go doesn't stop horrid behaviour.

Why the need for a long break!!! OP's husband has said he will talk to his parents so unless it happens again, let it go.

SpriteStar I should have mentioned that they are also taking their other grandchild who is the same age as my youngest too, so I didn’t understand why they intended to leave my youngest out.

To me their behaviour is unacceptable. Your husband could advise a long break is needed giving them time to reflect on said behaviour.

oh sorry I missed the bit about the cousins

they are also taking their other grandchild who is the same age as my youngest too

This is what the OP said. So it makes no sense to me!

Maybe Jane - but why are they assuming the cousin will be OK as well then?

I couldn't get worked up about this -sorry- so I would just suggest they speak to you first if that is important to you. I think taking the 6 yr old out for the day was most probably for easiness - I take it the 4 yr old is, well, a 4 yr old? and harder work?

welbeck

I wouldn't trust them.
Sounds manipulative.
Never mind about staying in your lane.
Your role is to be your children's champion.
Never mind how it might affect other people's feelings or ideas.
Your children come first. They are the vulnerable ones.
Don't get hung up on being too polite.
Your children will always remember you standing up for them and protecting them.
All the best.

Agreed.

I wouldn't trust them.
Sounds manipulative.
Never mind about staying in your lane.
Your role is to be your children's champion.
Never mind how it might affect other people's feelings or ideas.
Your children come first. They are the vulnerable ones.
Don't get hung up on being too polite.
Your children will always remember you standing up for them and protecting them.
All the best.

It’s absolutely OK to take out GC separately, my dear late parents couldn’t always cope with 3 under 5, so would take it in turns to do nice things with them one at a time.

BUT they always ran everything passed us first, so we could broach it with the children to ensure no one felt left out.

These are your children and however lovely their Grandparents are, they should run things by you first, especially as they are still quite little.

As a grandparent I always, always , ask the parents first before even suggesting a thing to the children. I do spend time one on one with some of them , the older ones typically from time to time but only as an addition to the considerable time we spend with all of them , and if older little grand gets a day out for tea and the ballet with grams then her little brother will shortly get his turn for a day of fun out alone with grams too. We are very careful to not do more for any one of them. Because one lives a considerable distance away we don’t get to do as much one at a time there , buts it’s to maximize the time we do get to spend with them.

You may be right Lesley. Perhaps we, it was DH as well as me, were naive but any danger seemed remote. Both boys were sensible and enjoyed being given responsibility.
If the DGP had taken the little brother we wouldn't have sent him on the train. We'd have driven them down.
Only once did the boys have to ask for help from a Station master at Thetford when their connecting train didn't come. The boys were given a drink and a biscuit in his office and loved to tell the stories of their adventures.
This was the 1970s so a safer world it's true but both boys have grown up very adventurous and responsible so I don't think we did anything wrong as parents.

Grammaretto

I'm not even trusted with the dog!

Yet I used to send my boys off on the train alone aged 10 and 8 to spend a fortnight on the Suffolk coast with their DGP. My inlaws.

Perhaps that's why I'm not trusted....

The inlaws wouldn't have the youngest brother, they said 2 is plenty, so I had to amuse him without his brothers.
The older ones had a great time and still talk about those days.

They get very worried about sending their own DC anywhere, citing it's a changed world now.

I just can’t believe anyone would let their children travel alone at such a young age, you are right maybe that is why they wouldn’t trust you, you appear to be annoyed that they wouldn’t have your youngest anything could have happened

I would certainly have discussed proposal with parents first and unless it was an activity where age restrictions applied would have looked to include, in this instance, both children. Perhaps not having been involved actively in babysitting the GPs just don't appreciate the need to discuss with parents before approaching GC about idea. Your DH now knows, so just ask GPs to discuss with you both as you want to ensure all involved are aware of what's necessary for the outing.

The happiest times of my life were stating with Gran and Grandad. Just me. It was wonderful. Sigh.♥️

I remember that this happened to me when I was really small. We were visiting a grandparent who we only saw once a year. She took me into a bedroom and told me that this was where I would sleep when I stayed there. I was terrified.

The relationship between my grandparents and my parents was difficult for many years. I wont go into the reasons. So I was always taken to see my gran by an aunt who acted as a "middleperson".

I got to do a lot of things with my grandmother that my sister (7 years younger) did not do. Apart from the age difference there was also a difference in temperament. My grandmother was into sewing/embroidery/crochet and helping me with my reading and writing. Whereas my sister was much more boisterous and not into the things which my grandmother wanted to do.

Having two children of different ages and with different interests is a lot more challenging than looking after one older child.

Without reading any of the responses before replying, my thought is they perhaps haven't offered to have the children overnight etc because they may have felt they were too young for them to deal with. Young children can be challenging/exhausting. However, your eldest is now 6 and maybe they feel ready to spend more time with her and feel they could cope now she’s older.
So I would say they weren’t ‘cornering’ her but testing the waters first, to see if she would be happy to spend time alone with them. If she is positive about the idea, they would then ask you privately, if you were in agreement.
It seems to me they are being considerate of your daughter’s feelings. If she’s not keen, they are unlikely to ask you.