Requesting permission to take children out

I would ALWAYS heck with parents first before mentioning something like that to a child

But also I .ight well suggest taking the older child alone whilst telling the younger one that when they are 6 they will have a turn at the same trip too. Havingng both together might feel like too much for your ILs. Also some one on one attention might be rather nice for your 6 year old and her grandparents

check not heck. And apologies for later typos

I agree with Madgran77.
Check with parents first.
It is ok to take GC separately too.

While I think it's fine to take grandchildren out separately from time to time if they are ok with that and if the parents are too, I would always discuss it with their parents first before even mentioning it to the child.

I don't think you should worry too much about your children always having to be taken out together. The eldest will always get involved with things before your youngest (school, dance class, Brownies etc).
It may be a bit overwhelming for your eldest to spend a long time alone without their parents though, rather than without their sibling.
I know DH and I would probably cope with looking after one grandchild whilst out and about rather than two, especially as it's the first time without their parents.
Please don't start setting rigid rules with your In Laws. Try and have a friendly chat about it all.

I loved being staying with my grandparents on my own. My brother and sister had their chance to go on their own too. It's important for children to have individual attention at times.
This should all have been discussed openly though OP. I wonder why they didn't mention it publicly?

I always ask my daughter before arranging to take my grandchildren anywhere. Even the one that lives with us , she's 13 and her sister is 15. My grandson is 8 and doesn't always want to come along , depending on the activity. I think its a abit odd they asked your daughter first

I sympathise! My late in-laws were totally oblivious to the fact that they needed to clear it with us before taking our children out and about. They would collect them for the day, and when we asked what their plans were, they would say they were going to see what the children wanted to do. Fine, but our worry was, if anything drastic happened, and they didn’t come home, if we didn’t have any idea where they were going, we couldn’t start to look for them!
It came to a head one day when they brought the children (8 and 6) home from a day out. The children bounced in, brandishing French sticks, Brie and little cakes! They had been taken to France (we lived near the Ferry port at the time), totally without our knowledge. Being in the 1970s, this was before all the security restrictions about travel, they didn’t then need parental permission to travel without a parent and as my Father-in-law was an officer at the Port , it was easy for him to arrange it.
Anything could have happened in France. My father in-law was not experienced in driving there and, in fact, was not the world’s best driver at the best of times. When they came home and told us about the trip, we were thrilled they had a good time but furious that we hadn’t been consulted. Later, once the girls were in bed, we had a private word with my in-laws, making it clear they had overstepped the mark, and visits to them were cut down for a while. Also, they weren’t allowed to stay overnight with them for a long time. We weren’t prepared to take the risk.
My parents, in contrast, were stay-at-homes and a visit to the local park or Abbey was as far as they went! When they had the children, after their much anticipated walk, they would play card games and backgammon etc. accompanied by hot chocolate and a biscuit!
Funnily enough, the girls had no preference as to which grandparents they visited. The French trips were no more important to them than the local trips out. I think being with any of their grandparents was such a joy for them that they truly didn’t mind which ones they were with. Thankfully!!

I'm not even trusted with the dog!

Yet I used to send my boys off on the train alone aged 10 and 8 to spend a fortnight on the Suffolk coast with their DGP. My inlaws.

Perhaps that's why I'm not trusted....

The inlaws wouldn't have the youngest brother, they said 2 is plenty, so I had to amuse him without his brothers.
The older ones had a great time and still talk about those days.

They get very worried about sending their own DC anywhere, citing it's a changed world now.

If Grandchildren are left in my care I will take them out (usually) I do not ask permission as such, but my daughters will know where the outings are likely to be and rough plans will have been mentioned. I would never take anyone abroad even on a day trip without asking permission though! Having said that I would need their passports anyway which would require a discussion with their parents at a minimum. I think with everyone now having mobile phones (including 4 of my 7 grandchildren) parents have a lot less to worry about regarding contact.
An overnight stay would fall into the same category as taking abroad and should be discussed with parents before broaching with a child who may not feel up to speaking out against an idea put to them by a relative for fear of offending

I would say, always ask first.

I wouldn't start making any firm arrangements without talking to the parents, but I think it's a good idea to float an idea with the child first to see if they would even be interested. I have memories of being pushed into "lovely" outings with Granny and being told how much I will enjoy them, when I would much rather have stayed at home with a book.

Adults shouldn’t make plans with children. They should speak with parents first. Always.

However, I think in all situations with family, try to give the benefit of the doubt before jumping to the worst conclusions or assigning negative intent. I find that if I ask myself a few questions before confronting family it helps a lot. Did I truly believe they were meaning to be subversive or undermining? Do I believe they meant to disregard or hurt the feelings of my other child? Are they generally loving toward both children? I’d ask myself these questions before gently reminding my parents or in laws to speak with us parents first before making plans. Not every situation requires the harsh responses on Mumsnet. Always remember that real life is not the comments section.

It does make me feel uncomfortable that they didn’t mention it to my husband first (their son)…. I can’t help but feel that they were trying to bypass us as parents as we haven’t always had the best relationship (with me at least) and i always remain in my lane to keep the peace but I think in hindsight I should have spoken up in the moment when I overheard what was going on in the other room.

I should have mentioned that they are also taking their other grandchild who is the same age as my youngest too, so I didn’t understand why they intended to leave my youngest out. My husband did bring that up at least, it was just the fact that they spoke to my eldest whilst she was alone to discuss it in the first place that makes me feel uncomfortable.

My husband is going to talk to them kindly about it as he’s on the same wavelength as me on talking to parents first, I just wasn’t sure if I was being ridiculous.

Bang out of order. You should always ask parents first.

I always think it best to communicate. They should have mentioned their idea to you and your husband first before broaching it to your children. That way you could have voiced any concerns, such as your youngest being left out, between the four of you and come to a final decision on the proposed trip. Now there is an undercurrent of bad feeling which could have been avoided.
I have 5 children and none of them would appreciate me making arrangements with their children before mentioning it to them first.

I agree that parents should be asked which they eventually did by asking their son your husband, but also think Deedaa has a point about seeing how your D responded to the idea before taking it further.

Don't over react SpriteStar by feeling this was a deliberate act to bypass you as parents and it isn't by any means unusual for GP's to sometimes take their GC out separately.

You say they've never baby sat or looked after the children and have never offered too; have you ever asked? Maybe with your eldest being 6 and never have been asked, they were unsure of the best way of addressing this.

I'd allow my husband to deal with his underhanded parents.

No is an acceptable answer, as parents you decide together.

I don't agree it was necessarily underhanded Norah. They've never babysat or looked after the children before so may well have been wanting to assess how their GD would respond.

OP's husband is going to ^talk to them kindly about it^; no need for this to be blown up out of all proportion.

They've never babysat or looked after the children before so may well have been wanting to assess how their GD would respond.

Six year old children are not able to choose. It would be unfair to ask a child what they wanted, if one had not asked the parents first.

I dont think it was underhand on the basis of what we have been told. I think thoughtless or as others have suggested, sounding out the GD.

Personally I think they should have discussed with the parents first as mentioning to a 6 year old without knowing the parents views means that the child will be disappointed and angry if her parents say No for whatever reason. A child should not be put in that position.

It would be a shame for this to all get out of proportion as you say Smileless. Their son talking to them kindly about the issue is a good way forward and hopefully the children and GPs will have lovely times together without this dragging on and souring any relationships.

Personally I think they should have discussed with the parents first as mentioning to a 6 year old without knowing the parents views means that the child will be disappointed and angry if her parents say No for whatever reason. A child should not be put in that position.

This.

I agree Madgran. The GP's made an error of judgement but no harm done.