Requesting permission to take children out

Definitely this should of been discussed with the parents of the children.

This was a total lack of protocol .. And also to excluse a child is a lack of protocol. This is completely wrong.

This should be discussed with the grandparents children, NOT the grandchildren !!!!!!!

WRONG WRONG WRONG ..

To be honest when you are a grandparent, it can be exhausting. I often took one out without the other, they didn’t mind as they knew they’d get there turn.

My inlaws always told my children they would take them abroad on holiday but never did. Also a cousin of my OH promised to take them to Crufts where they showed their dogs. Never happened either. Really made me angry that they never talked to me about it and disappointed my children. Horrid people.

Thank you for all your comments, I can see that there are some disagreements depending on how you look at things. I can accept that they did eventually ask my husband and that’s when he raised concerns about my youngest being left out. They should have done this first which is where they went wrong, thank you for clearing this up, and that I wasn’t being over sensitive. In an ideal world they would have also included me in that discussion too - unfortunately they are a little dysfunctional when it comes to including me in general, something that I don’t think will change.

Thank you all

NotSpaghetti

I think a day trip - or even a half-day trip (without the other grandchild) would be a first step.

I would be pretty cross if I had overheard this conversation to be honest.
I would want to know how a morning/ afternoon/ day went with only my daughter before moving on to overnights and sleepovers with cousins!

I would need to talk about this with them...
...but also bite my tongue a lot

Agree with this. It's a big step from not having the children for any length of time to days out and sleepovers. Do the children even like spending time with them?

As far as not taking all the children goes - it may be that they don't feel they can cope, depending on how young and dependent the youngest is. Or they may feel the oldest two will keep each other company and be able to share the experience more.

And yes - they should always discuss things with parents first. I would be inclined to give them the benefit of the doubt at the moment, and see how they go on after being asked not to do it.

I think a day trip - or even a half-day trip (without the other grandchild) would be a first step.

I would be pretty cross if I had overheard this conversation to be honest.
I would want to know how a morning/ afternoon/ day went with only my daughter before moving on to overnights and sleepovers with cousins!

I would need to talk about this with them...
...but also bite my tongue a lot

Well from what the OP has told us, her D wasn't excited Norah.

Good advice PopPopBear.

From my perspective, communication is key. The Grandparents should of at a minimum included one of you, better both in the conversation. Personally, especially with a first trip away from mom and dad, I would have approached you and your DH first to discuss plans and to figure the best way for my grandchild(ren) to be the most comfortable with the trip and to figure the best activities.

That being said, though they perhaps did something uncomfortable for your daughter and for you, I think you should address it non-confrontationally, bring it up with them in friendly way, maybe as a way to help them succeed with their GD. This would open up a discussion, letting them know that you aren't opposed and opens an opportunity for you to set boundaries. I suggest not to stringent of boundaries, but things that would make you and your children feel happy and safe. I think you might find them pleased and more open with you this way.

These are just my thoughts and advise, use what you wish, or not at all. But please be happy and find joy with your children and your in-laws. You all can be an extended family team.

Smileless2012

I agree Madgran. The GP's made an error of judgement but no harm done.

Harm to the child if these people let the child become excited and then the parents disappoint the child because they were not asked first.

I agree Madgran. The GP's made an error of judgement but no harm done.

Personally I think they should have discussed with the parents first as mentioning to a 6 year old without knowing the parents views means that the child will be disappointed and angry if her parents say No for whatever reason. A child should not be put in that position.

This.

I dont think it was underhand on the basis of what we have been told. I think thoughtless or as others have suggested, sounding out the GD.

Personally I think they should have discussed with the parents first as mentioning to a 6 year old without knowing the parents views means that the child will be disappointed and angry if her parents say No for whatever reason. A child should not be put in that position.

It would be a shame for this to all get out of proportion as you say Smileless. Their son talking to them kindly about the issue is a good way forward and hopefully the children and GPs will have lovely times together without this dragging on and souring any relationships.

They've never babysat or looked after the children before so may well have been wanting to assess how their GD would respond.

Six year old children are not able to choose. It would be unfair to ask a child what they wanted, if one had not asked the parents first.

I don't agree it was necessarily underhanded Norah. They've never babysat or looked after the children before so may well have been wanting to assess how their GD would respond.

OP's husband is going to ^talk to them kindly about it^; no need for this to be blown up out of all proportion.

I'd allow my husband to deal with his underhanded parents.

No is an acceptable answer, as parents you decide together.

I agree that parents should be asked which they eventually did by asking their son your husband, but also think Deedaa has a point about seeing how your D responded to the idea before taking it further.

Don't over react SpriteStar by feeling this was a deliberate act to bypass you as parents and it isn't by any means unusual for GP's to sometimes take their GC out separately.

You say they've never baby sat or looked after the children and have never offered too; have you ever asked? Maybe with your eldest being 6 and never have been asked, they were unsure of the best way of addressing this.

I always think it best to communicate. They should have mentioned their idea to you and your husband first before broaching it to your children. That way you could have voiced any concerns, such as your youngest being left out, between the four of you and come to a final decision on the proposed trip. Now there is an undercurrent of bad feeling which could have been avoided.
I have 5 children and none of them would appreciate me making arrangements with their children before mentioning it to them first.

Bang out of order. You should always ask parents first.

My husband is going to talk to them kindly about it as he’s on the same wavelength as me on talking to parents first, I just wasn’t sure if I was being ridiculous.

It does make me feel uncomfortable that they didn’t mention it to my husband first (their son)…. I can’t help but feel that they were trying to bypass us as parents as we haven’t always had the best relationship (with me at least) and i always remain in my lane to keep the peace but I think in hindsight I should have spoken up in the moment when I overheard what was going on in the other room.

I should have mentioned that they are also taking their other grandchild who is the same age as my youngest too, so I didn’t understand why they intended to leave my youngest out. My husband did bring that up at least, it was just the fact that they spoke to my eldest whilst she was alone to discuss it in the first place that makes me feel uncomfortable.

Adults shouldn’t make plans with children. They should speak with parents first. Always.

However, I think in all situations with family, try to give the benefit of the doubt before jumping to the worst conclusions or assigning negative intent. I find that if I ask myself a few questions before confronting family it helps a lot. Did I truly believe they were meaning to be subversive or undermining? Do I believe they meant to disregard or hurt the feelings of my other child? Are they generally loving toward both children? I’d ask myself these questions before gently reminding my parents or in laws to speak with us parents first before making plans. Not every situation requires the harsh responses on Mumsnet. Always remember that real life is not the comments section.

I wouldn't start making any firm arrangements without talking to the parents, but I think it's a good idea to float an idea with the child first to see if they would even be interested. I have memories of being pushed into "lovely" outings with Granny and being told how much I will enjoy them, when I would much rather have stayed at home with a book.

I would say, always ask first.

If Grandchildren are left in my care I will take them out (usually) I do not ask permission as such, but my daughters will know where the outings are likely to be and rough plans will have been mentioned. I would never take anyone abroad even on a day trip without asking permission though! Having said that I would need their passports anyway which would require a discussion with their parents at a minimum. I think with everyone now having mobile phones (including 4 of my 7 grandchildren) parents have a lot less to worry about regarding contact.
An overnight stay would fall into the same category as taking abroad and should be discussed with parents before broaching with a child who may not feel up to speaking out against an idea put to them by a relative for fear of offending

I'm not even trusted with the dog!

Yet I used to send my boys off on the train alone aged 10 and 8 to spend a fortnight on the Suffolk coast with their DGP. My inlaws.

Perhaps that's why I'm not trusted....

The inlaws wouldn't have the youngest brother, they said 2 is plenty, so I had to amuse him without his brothers.
The older ones had a great time and still talk about those days.

They get very worried about sending their own DC anywhere, citing it's a changed world now.