Gran rivalry

Tell her that her knitting is shit.

O don't consider a two hour drive excessive. How long does a parent spend going to and fro and shopping.
I had to walk 25 mins to a store with twins then do shopping. Took nearly two hours and a lot more physical than driving a car. Babies do sleep. Instead of buying stuff, why not try opening a savings account for GC. Other GP wouldn't be able to compete as she wouldn't the value of what you are saving. Bit of one up manship possibly then

vegansrock

Ive got 4 DC with partners and families and the “other grandparents” ( why doesn’t English have a word to describe your children's in laws?) are all lovely - we even go on holiday with one couple and have stayed with another. I can’t imagine “ grandchild rivalry”. Surely the more people who love a child the better?

Exactly. I don’t understand the competitiveness at all. My youngest lives two hours from me and two minutes from her lovely MIL, of course she sees DGC much more than I do and I’m delighted that they’ve wrapped my DD and DGC in love. My middle one lives overseas and visits here every year or so, at least we have video calls and don’t have to wait for air mail.

Buying the baby’s pram is silly, any new parents would want to choose their own so surely just offer to cover the cost of whatever they’ve selected. I bought a preloved buggy from a charity shop that had served the donor’s DGC and has been well used by all mine when they’ve been here, partly because the modern ones are too complicated for me to fold, and I don’t have to worry about muddy dog walks with my £30 superbuy!

Just back off...
Certainly put money aside for the Grandchild .
It will be greatly appreciated when money for driving lessons , a car or studies are needed

Some Grandparents regard it as a competition .

I went through this about a decade ago .
The other Grandma took a violent dislike to me.
She told the family that she hadn't realised how attractive and intelligent I am !
I frankly think that she is a jealous control freak -that's the opinion of her immediate family ,but they accept it .They need her as a babysitter .
She goes to great lengths to exclude me from parties - Christmas,Easter ,birthdays , christenings (I'm the only practising Christian in the family)and even a funeral.
She even moved house without letting me know the new address .
When my son in law took me to the new one - she couldn't get me out of the house quickly enough.
It's so embarrassing and vindictive.

Ive got 4 DC with partners and families and the “other grandparents” ( why doesn’t English have a word to describe your children's in laws?) are all lovely - we even go on holiday with one couple and have stayed with another. I can’t imagine “ grandchild rivalry”. Surely the more people who love a child the better?

That is really,really awful Bluebelle. Especially as you live oceans apart and your chances of seeing your grandchild were limited. I suppose we are lucky because we had all daughters and were able to help because the other parents were either not around or had died. All a long time ago now and I have found being great grandparents we don’t get much of a look in. C’est la vie I suppose.

BlueBelle

My son had his second child out in NZ where they live, a baby boy, (now 24 but I still remember this like yesterday ) His other Nan and grandad lived a road away and obviously I m a million miles away so never expected much.
When he was about 6 months old I went out for a visit and stayed with my son, daughter in law and two children, the other grandma who could see the children every day, didn’t give me a look in.
One particular day, I ll never erase, my son was getting ready for work and said there ll be a half hour between me going to work and his mum getting back, you ll me ok won’t you ? I said of course I will love to have him, we ll have fun , He left and within a minute, grandma 2 came bursting in ‘hello I ve come to look after X ‘ I said ‘no worries we re getting on fine’ she waltz up to him, scooped him up and said let’s go and find some toys, went into the bedroom and shut the door. I ve met her since and been polite but I m afraid I ll never forgive her, I was only there for three weeks.

I would have opened the bedroom door and marched in. “Hello, I’ve come to play too” I would never have tolerated being shut out in such a rude fashion.

Use this one-upmanship to baby's advantage. Get a copy of their birth certificate and open a Junior ISA. Explain that other gran seems to have all of the equipment sorted. No doubt she will then want to either open one herself or put funds into it.

But yes, you are mum's mum, so you have the inside straight, as you will be the go-to for your daughter. So have a little sympathy
Perhaps make better friends; then, anything you think they need still, check with her so you do not overlap and sit back and let her pay for it.

It’s very hard and when some people say don’t engage with the rivalry, they are right but some of the ‘premier grannies’ around are so VERY competitive!

The other granny in our case has done some truly selfish and manipulative things and I thought at one point that my heart would break.

I’ve now got used to her behaviour , and hope that when our grandchildren grow up that they will see through her behaviour.

Hope it all goes well with your family.

🌷🌷🌷

When my first GC was born my son and daughter in law were living with her parents as they were preparing to move to Germany for 2 years. It was the pandemic so visiting was complex but my daughter and I were able to visit when my GS was about a week old. Shortly after that my son travelled to Germany to start work and his father in law drove him with a small truck load of furniture and helped him set up their rented flat and buy further furniture to get ready for the arrival of his wife and baby. I was due to retire at October half term, so on the Monday after leaving work on the Friday I accompanied my DiL to Heathrow and flew with her to Hannover with the baby. I'd planned to stay for a fortnight but Germany's lockdown followed so I had to return home after 6 days. I'm sure my DiL would have preferred to travel with her own mum but her mum still worked and I felt honoured to be asked to go. As a family they have always been very even handed with visiting and having often spent time with them along with DiL's parents I know them well and feel in some ways more part of her family than my own. There is no competition! I know I'm lucky and feel sorry for those who feel they are competing with the other grandparents. I live 200 miles away from my son and his family but so do my DiL's parents, though in a different place altogether. They now have 3 GC from their son too so they are sometime less available for visits. When help is needed such as when the second GC arrived, they were avaiable to look afte GS etc but other times I've been asked to go and take care of the GC when both parents had to work and nursery was closed.
When the family arrived in Germany I gave them money for a pram, which they chose and we built together while I was still there. I think if you want to support financially, offer money so the parents choose what they want. The pram is still going strong and is about to be used by my 3rd GC due in March! I've no idea what the other GP's have paid for - none of my business - but there is no competition going on! I am very grateful!
I hope things settle down and you get to spend plenty time with your family as time goes on and that the rivalry will fizzle out. Good luck!

I have found that not making a fuss about these things and letting the parents sort it out is a much better way of bringing harmony which in turn brings respect and love from parents and children alike. One of my DGC's other grandma is very bitter about me because she thinks I'm rich and she can't compete. I'm not but she got it into her head that as I am the maternal grandmother she will be pushed aside. Actually it is her demands and sour face that annoys my daughter and SIL rather than me being the better gran. I just let her get on with it and reap the long term benefits.

I think the competition is in danger of coming from both sides. Just opt out of buying anything else for the child unless discussed first with parents and then better to give them the money and let them buy or else as others have said treat your daughter and husband to some little gifts for themselves or offer to visit to help out only if they want this.
I'd be interested to know what is happening with the 2 prams, bouncy chairs etc. Were you asked to buy a pram or did you just decide to get one? Did you ask them first if anyone else had said they planned on getting a pram? Did you get the model they wanted? Do they prefer the inlaw's choice? So many questions and as the inlaws live locally you're fighting a losing battle so opt out of the buying for baby. This pettiness is not making life easy for your daughter and I'm sure she would be better off without it especially at the moment.

Don’t engage in the fight, what I’d do is start a savings account for your grandchild with you as the co account holder, don’t tell anyone how much you are depositing so at least when the child comes of age it will be a nice surprise
I do hope that you got your money back from the unrequired gifts

'She's not allowed to visit without him' Danger signs. That sounds like control to me

When my grandchildren were small I was very envious of the other grandparents, because they lived not far from the children and saw them every week. I live 200 miles away and have limited mobility anyway. They are ten years younger than me. I’ve got used to it, though, and since my husband died many years ago I am glad the grandchildren have at least one nice grandpa.

Also, to be quite honest, I wouldn’t really have liked to do as much babysitting as they did.

Sorry but I had to smile at this grandma stuff, my gs was 20 recently and since he was born the other nan watches intently when gs opens our presents. Then goes that bit more the next year so the gs wins without realising what’s happening. 🤷‍♀️but amusing.

I know how heartbreaking this is and it’s been my sad experience that it continues right through and doesn’t just stop when the gc is older or with subsequent gc. I agree, withdraw from the war, so to speak, as sadly you will never win. There will always be domineering competitive people within families and at times like this, they raise their ugly heads. All I can say is that as the children get older, they voice their own opinions and express themselves, and you may find that they express great affection or love for you and despite not seeing them a lot, you may well carve out a very special loving relationship which is something to be cherished….and has little to nothing to do with showering them with presents or other things.

Agreeing with everyone else who said Do not compete. Be yourself,be true your values. Dont criticise the other gran. Be kind, calm, anchored, content in who you are and what you offer x

Jen76 like others have said, don’t make it a competition. Your daughter is being put in a difficult situation here isn’t she? It’s very early days and she is going to need her mum going forwards. Ambergran has the right idea. I think I would be sending friendly little messages, and making short phone calls asking her how she is and how things are going. Perhaps send little ‘thinking of you’ gift through the post? Just a bar of chocolate or whatever you know her favourite treats are?

Similar issues here as other granny is a compulsive shopper and buys much too much of everything. (Often for the photo opportunities and the bragging rights I think.) Parents don’t like it - they are not into ‘stuff’ generally and are aware of their environmental footprint. And don’t have room for all the stuff.

She tends to grab the dear GC and at family parties etc, and walk around with them like some kind of accessory. I have had her pick them up from in front of me while I am actually on the floor playing with them. Thankfully not as bad as Bluebell or HorticulturalHussy though. That all sounds unforgivable.

We buy less, but better, when we know things are needed always in consultation with their parents. We are putting money into ISAs for the GCs each month instead. We focus on emotional and practical support when it is needed. I’ll let you guess who they call when they have a problem.

My g chn aren’t babies now but Xmas present giving can be fraught. We give each of our g chn money and a present that my daughter has told me they really want ,to open on the day. Other grandparents give so many presents it’s embarrassing! I have learned to go along with it and say how lovely everything is but inside I’m thinking this is just way too much.

It’s only 7 weeks. The baby isn’t going to remember or care who bought what. As others have said, just ask the parents if there’s anything they need , they might enjoy choosing their own baby stuff. It’s not a competition and you aren’t “rivals”. There’s no limit for how much love can go around.

Jen76

My daughter has had a baby 7 weeks ago. She lives 2 hours away close to her in-laws. I feel like giving up, it doesn't matter what I do for my daughter and grandson, her mother in law always does better. I brought the pram, she gets a more expensive one,I bought a bouncy chair, she gets a bigger one! Even though my daughter told her she's already got these things. I understand its her first grandchild too, but its like she's taking over. What can I do, I just want to be a small part of his life. She's not allowed to come and visit me without her husband coming too, so I never get to spend any time with him.Just feel so sad.

Wait quietly.

Don't be 'needy Gran' who compares, no competition necessary.

AmberGran

I would withdraw from the war and organise a flank attack.

Stop buying things for the baby and concentrate on your daughter and son-in-law. Maybe a box of their favourite chocs for the nights when they are in watching TV. Depending on whether daughter is breast feeding a tiny hamper of wine, cheese, crackers. A voucher for their favourite takeaway for when they are too tired to cook. Talk to them about themselves and how they are feeling and see what you can do to make life easier.

Save a little something for the baby in a special account so when he/she is older you can buy them something special that they want. Smile and compliment the things the other gran buys and let her spend her money. Maybe if you're not buying she will stop too 🙄Be a happy, helpful mum instead of an aggrieved gran - at least when you're in company. Difficult, I know.

Sounds like a good idea.

The stuff the other gran buys will end up going to a charity shop and they won't even want it, probably.

"Stuffication" is real.

I would withdraw from the war and organise a flank attack.

Stop buying things for the baby and concentrate on your daughter and son-in-law. Maybe a box of their favourite chocs for the nights when they are in watching TV. Depending on whether daughter is breast feeding a tiny hamper of wine, cheese, crackers. A voucher for their favourite takeaway for when they are too tired to cook. Talk to them about themselves and how they are feeling and see what you can do to make life easier.

Save a little something for the baby in a special account so when he/she is older you can buy them something special that they want. Smile and compliment the things the other gran buys and let her spend her money. Maybe if you're not buying she will stop too 🙄Be a happy, helpful mum instead of an aggrieved gran - at least when you're in company. Difficult, I know.

Luckygirl3

*She's not allowed to come and visit me without her husband coming too, so I never get to spend any time with him.*

Who is not allowing this? I can understand that she might feel it is too much for her on her own after the birth but it should be her choice.

If you want to give a gift for the baby perhaps ask your DD if there is anything she needs and give her the money for this so she can choose.

I have always managed to get on fine with the "other" grandmas of my GC, but this is simply because they are reasonable people - so I have been lucky. I do not envy you dealing with this situation.

Hopefully your time will come when travel becomes easier. Please don't give up!

I’d normally be inclined to agree but in these particular circumstance, my husband would have strongly protested about my driving one of our babies alone for a couple of hours. It would have been out of love (for us both, his child too) and concern for our safety. Not coercion.