Gran rivalry

Both of you need to stop buying things for somebody else’s baby.

Give money if you want for the parents have the pleasure of buying what they want for their baby. She can be told the same.

Seven weeks after birth I would worry about her doing a 2 hour drive on her own with a little baby. For a start she’s sleep deprived. Not to mention trying to drive if your baby’s crying and the stress of having to find a place to pull in and feed.

How often are they doing the drive? Can you not go and see them and take that pressure off the first weeks.

Maintain a good relationship with your daughter and don't let yourself turn the situation into a competition, which is tempting. Do what your daughter asks, if you can, and show yourself to be caring and reliable. There are many years ahead for you to develop your relationship with your new grandchild so take your time. I hope it all turns out happily.

First, all sympathies to you. I’ve had this and I know how hard it can be.
I’m ’the other gran’, the mum of the new father, so I expected my dil to be closer to her own parents of course, especially in the early weeks.
But I noticed that if I bought a Jellycat teddy, then there would be a Stieff teddy from the other grandparents in the cot when I next visited; the same with dinosaurs, brick sets, always one-upping my ideas ad nauseam.
As other posters have said, you just have to grin & bear it, it’s nothing to do with the grandchild, or your enjoyment of them.
I just wanted to say that you’re not alone and I know how this kind of rivalry is really wearing.

This can be hard, we had it and still have it with one daughter’s in laws, they live closer to our daughter and SiL, when the grandchild was born we would arrange to visit and the in laws would be there or drop in on some pretext. It used to really irritate us because they were visiting all of the time. In the end we specifically asked our daughter if we could visit when the in laws were busy elsewhere and she was happy to comply.
In the beginning emotions tend to be heightened. Give it time to settle. And don’t buy anything else for the baby, perhaps but a nice care package for the new parents with edible treats they probably don’t have time to consider right now.
Just be there for the parents and the baby. We see our grandchild regularly now and though the in laws are still a bit of a pain, and the SiL says this not us, they are still family and the GC needs both sets of grandparents.

My son had his second child out in NZ where they live, a baby boy, (now 24 but I still remember this like yesterday ) His other Nan and grandad lived a road away and obviously I m a million miles away so never expected much.
When he was about 6 months old I went out for a visit and stayed with my son, daughter in law and two children, the other grandma who could see the children every day, didn’t give me a look in.
One particular day, I ll never erase, my son was getting ready for work and said there ll be a half hour between me going to work and his mum getting back, you ll me ok won’t you ? I said of course I will love to have him, we ll have fun , He left and within a minute, grandma 2 came bursting in ‘hello I ve come to look after X ‘ I said ‘no worries we re getting on fine’ she waltz up to him, scooped him up and said let’s go and find some toys, went into the bedroom and shut the door. I ve met her since and been polite but I m afraid I ll never forgive her, I was only there for three weeks.

BlueBelle

My son had his second child out in NZ where they live, a baby boy, (now 24 but I still remember this like yesterday ) His other Nan and grandad lived a road away and obviously I m a million miles away so never expected much.
When he was about 6 months old I went out for a visit and stayed with my son, daughter in law and two children, the other grandma who could see the children every day, didn’t give me a look in.
One particular day, I ll never erase, my son was getting ready for work and said there ll be a half hour between me going to work and his mum getting back, you ll me ok won’t you ? I said of course I will love to have him, we ll have fun , He left and within a minute, grandma 2 came bursting in ‘hello I ve come to look after X ‘ I said ‘no worries we re getting on fine’ she waltz up to him, scooped him up and said let’s go and find some toys, went into the bedroom and shut the door. I ve met her since and been polite but I m afraid I ll never forgive her, I was only there for three weeks.

That’s horrible.

She's not allowed to come and visit me without her husband coming too, so I never get to spend any time with him.

Who is not allowing this? I can understand that she might feel it is too much for her on her own after the birth but it should be her choice.

If you want to give a gift for the baby perhaps ask your DD if there is anything she needs and give her the money for this so she can choose.

I have always managed to get on fine with the "other" grandmas of my GC, but this is simply because they are reasonable people - so I have been lucky. I do not envy you dealing with this situation.

Hopefully your time will come when travel becomes easier. Please don't give up!

What I'm getting from this is that you expect your daughter to drive alone in the car with a small baby for two hours?
The baby is only 7 weeks old-you don't say if mum is breast feeding or not but this will impact on the journey, and even if bottle fed and the baby gets upset- what will she do after, as many have mentioned, she is probably getting little sleep.
This cometition seems to be based on buying things, which is a very shallow attitude towards being a gran, from either side.
Let the other gran buy what she likes and save your money for other treats, maybe treating your daughter?
Young parents these days don't want 'stuff' they want emotional and practical support.
Go see your daughter- give her some time and she'll appreciate your presence more than your presents.

I'm not sure why there seems to be competitions between grandparents and 'one upmanship' a baby is supposed to bring joy, why can't it just be enjoyed instead of ramping up anxiety for the new parents

SusieCook

I'm not sure why there seems to be competitions between grandparents and 'one upmanship' a baby is supposed to bring joy, why can't it just be enjoyed instead of ramping up anxiety for the new parents

You’re right to question this and it’s ridiculous. I have this issue with a very competitive ‘other’ grandmother but I decline to join in. We haven’t been allowed to have Christmas with our son and GC for years because she is self-centred and manipulative. She always texts me a picture with a msg like ‘It’s so important to be with loved ones at Christmas’ and I reply with a cheery thumbs up emoji and pour myself a drink. Until my very lovely and loved DIL can stand up to the guilt tripping I am not going to take it personally. Of the 2 of us I’m by far the happier grandma !

Make sure you ask after your daughter's health and wellbeing. She is no less important now that there is a grandchild on the scene. It is not some sort of competition. My mum was glad to see the back of me when my baby was born because I was constantly asking for her help and advice. She was a great grandmother and would only buy either what I told her or what the child needed. I do not understand the insanity that arises when a grandchild comes on the scene. The adults don't change and a child is a new addition to an already established dynamic. Why do people define themselves and validate themselves by a grandchild? I have higher degrees and a successful career behind me. Why would I wish to play that down and define myself by being a grandmother? Take an interest, speak to your daughter and make her feel important. I often get the impression that women who were wives and mothers seem to feel that being a grandmother is some sort of badge of honour that makes them better than other women who have not reached that lofty height.

Luckygirl3

*She's not allowed to come and visit me without her husband coming too, so I never get to spend any time with him.*

Who is not allowing this? I can understand that she might feel it is too much for her on her own after the birth but it should be her choice.

If you want to give a gift for the baby perhaps ask your DD if there is anything she needs and give her the money for this so she can choose.

I have always managed to get on fine with the "other" grandmas of my GC, but this is simply because they are reasonable people - so I have been lucky. I do not envy you dealing with this situation.

Hopefully your time will come when travel becomes easier. Please don't give up!

I’d normally be inclined to agree but in these particular circumstance, my husband would have strongly protested about my driving one of our babies alone for a couple of hours. It would have been out of love (for us both, his child too) and concern for our safety. Not coercion.

I would withdraw from the war and organise a flank attack.

Stop buying things for the baby and concentrate on your daughter and son-in-law. Maybe a box of their favourite chocs for the nights when they are in watching TV. Depending on whether daughter is breast feeding a tiny hamper of wine, cheese, crackers. A voucher for their favourite takeaway for when they are too tired to cook. Talk to them about themselves and how they are feeling and see what you can do to make life easier.

Save a little something for the baby in a special account so when he/she is older you can buy them something special that they want. Smile and compliment the things the other gran buys and let her spend her money. Maybe if you're not buying she will stop too 🙄Be a happy, helpful mum instead of an aggrieved gran - at least when you're in company. Difficult, I know.

AmberGran

I would withdraw from the war and organise a flank attack.

Stop buying things for the baby and concentrate on your daughter and son-in-law. Maybe a box of their favourite chocs for the nights when they are in watching TV. Depending on whether daughter is breast feeding a tiny hamper of wine, cheese, crackers. A voucher for their favourite takeaway for when they are too tired to cook. Talk to them about themselves and how they are feeling and see what you can do to make life easier.

Save a little something for the baby in a special account so when he/she is older you can buy them something special that they want. Smile and compliment the things the other gran buys and let her spend her money. Maybe if you're not buying she will stop too 🙄Be a happy, helpful mum instead of an aggrieved gran - at least when you're in company. Difficult, I know.

Sounds like a good idea.

The stuff the other gran buys will end up going to a charity shop and they won't even want it, probably.

"Stuffication" is real.

Jen76

My daughter has had a baby 7 weeks ago. She lives 2 hours away close to her in-laws. I feel like giving up, it doesn't matter what I do for my daughter and grandson, her mother in law always does better. I brought the pram, she gets a more expensive one,I bought a bouncy chair, she gets a bigger one! Even though my daughter told her she's already got these things. I understand its her first grandchild too, but its like she's taking over. What can I do, I just want to be a small part of his life. She's not allowed to come and visit me without her husband coming too, so I never get to spend any time with him.Just feel so sad.

Wait quietly.

Don't be 'needy Gran' who compares, no competition necessary.

It’s only 7 weeks. The baby isn’t going to remember or care who bought what. As others have said, just ask the parents if there’s anything they need , they might enjoy choosing their own baby stuff. It’s not a competition and you aren’t “rivals”. There’s no limit for how much love can go around.

My g chn aren’t babies now but Xmas present giving can be fraught. We give each of our g chn money and a present that my daughter has told me they really want ,to open on the day. Other grandparents give so many presents it’s embarrassing! I have learned to go along with it and say how lovely everything is but inside I’m thinking this is just way too much.

Jen76 like others have said, don’t make it a competition. Your daughter is being put in a difficult situation here isn’t she? It’s very early days and she is going to need her mum going forwards. Ambergran has the right idea. I think I would be sending friendly little messages, and making short phone calls asking her how she is and how things are going. Perhaps send little ‘thinking of you’ gift through the post? Just a bar of chocolate or whatever you know her favourite treats are?

Similar issues here as other granny is a compulsive shopper and buys much too much of everything. (Often for the photo opportunities and the bragging rights I think.) Parents don’t like it - they are not into ‘stuff’ generally and are aware of their environmental footprint. And don’t have room for all the stuff.

She tends to grab the dear GC and at family parties etc, and walk around with them like some kind of accessory. I have had her pick them up from in front of me while I am actually on the floor playing with them. Thankfully not as bad as Bluebell or HorticulturalHussy though. That all sounds unforgivable.

We buy less, but better, when we know things are needed always in consultation with their parents. We are putting money into ISAs for the GCs each month instead. We focus on emotional and practical support when it is needed. I’ll let you guess who they call when they have a problem.

Agreeing with everyone else who said Do not compete. Be yourself,be true your values. Dont criticise the other gran. Be kind, calm, anchored, content in who you are and what you offer x

I know how heartbreaking this is and it’s been my sad experience that it continues right through and doesn’t just stop when the gc is older or with subsequent gc. I agree, withdraw from the war, so to speak, as sadly you will never win. There will always be domineering competitive people within families and at times like this, they raise their ugly heads. All I can say is that as the children get older, they voice their own opinions and express themselves, and you may find that they express great affection or love for you and despite not seeing them a lot, you may well carve out a very special loving relationship which is something to be cherished….and has little to nothing to do with showering them with presents or other things.

Sorry but I had to smile at this grandma stuff, my gs was 20 recently and since he was born the other nan watches intently when gs opens our presents. Then goes that bit more the next year so the gs wins without realising what’s happening. 🤷‍♀️but amusing.

When my grandchildren were small I was very envious of the other grandparents, because they lived not far from the children and saw them every week. I live 200 miles away and have limited mobility anyway. They are ten years younger than me. I’ve got used to it, though, and since my husband died many years ago I am glad the grandchildren have at least one nice grandpa.

Also, to be quite honest, I wouldn’t really have liked to do as much babysitting as they did.

'She's not allowed to visit without him' Danger signs. That sounds like control to me

Don’t engage in the fight, what I’d do is start a savings account for your grandchild with you as the co account holder, don’t tell anyone how much you are depositing so at least when the child comes of age it will be a nice surprise
I do hope that you got your money back from the unrequired gifts