Daughters Separation Anxiety

I have asked her if she is talking to anyone about her separation anxiety, she told me her Midwife said its ‘perfectly normal’

Yeah it is.

You also said she seems exhausted
Is she?

It sounds like she's coping amazingly with a medically complex child. You should be incredibly proud of her.

Follow her lead.

She's got enough on her plate. You had expectations and presumed a lot about being a grandparent and she had the same about being a parent then adding complex needs in she's going to be more cautious.

Help in other ways like cooking her a meal, washing up or putting a wash on etc IF she wants it.

Me too.

The pattern of the thread gave me a feeling of déjà vu.

Anyone else?

Luckygirl3

My post may have sounded slightly blunt! But the internet is full of amateur "diagnoses" which in the main are not helpful.

Honestly I think your lovely DD needs low-key support rather than hands-on with the baby from you. You expressed the view that it takes a village to raise a child, but that comes later I think. This phase is about allowing mum to indulge her protective instincts, which the midwife correctly identifies as normal. She needs space and that might or might not include practical home management (meals, laundry etc.) but only as she feels the need.

I know you want to help, but that help needs to be what she really feels she needs, and only she can decide that. Pressing more on her than she feels she needs runs the risk of alienating her. You are part of her "village" and need to have lines of communication flowing freely in order to be the help that you wish to be.

In the wild all new mothers are to be avoided like the plague as their protective instincts are on red alert!

Good post, Luckygirl

I know you want to help, but that help needs to be what she really feels she needs, and only she can decide that
👏👏👏

And, of course, the father.

Luckygirl3

Spellchecker wants me to write red albert! - I wonder who he is!!??

He could bd the invisible son-in-law, Daddy of the baby.

Smileless2012

I am not the one attributing to the OP things she hasn't said Lathyrus nor am I suggesting any course of action that would make the current situation with her D, any worse.

So if you're suggesting that as an EP I have a specific agenda, perhaps you could enlighten me as to what that agenda is and how I am pursuing it here.

No, I won’t talk about your agenda.

Unlike you, I have no desire to make things personal.

I regret being goaded into replying by your naming of me in your posts.

Of course opinions vary.

Some people don't mind intusions, others care deeply and want to maintain privacy. I'm an introvert and fall in the second group. I did not want anyone round until I (the one who birthed the baby) allowed.

You may not think so daughterofbonniebelle but the OP did which is why she has left and I agree with her.

I don't think people are being hostile at all. The need for help needs to come from your daughter; not introduced by you: this could be felt as an imposition - even a criticism. If the baby has a physical difficulty and also she can't breast feed, she may feel she has failed in some way, and your offer of help could compound that feeling.

I am not the one attributing to the OP things she hasn't said Lathyrus nor am I suggesting any course of action that would make the current situation with her D, any worse.

So if you're suggesting that as an EP I have a specific agenda, perhaps you could enlighten me as to what that agenda is and how I am pursuing it here.

Smileless2012

Oh Lathyrus your need to make an OP suit your own agenda is astounding.

The OP suggested her D leave her son with her, she did not tell her to leave the baby with her and go and it was her daughter who referred to separation anxiety, not the OP.

I agree fancythat that it's time to leave the OP alone. She's left the thread and understandably wont be returning to GN.

As is yours.

Don’t push me into saying the obvious.

Spellchecker wants me to write red albert! - I wonder who he is!!??

My post may have sounded slightly blunt! But the internet is full of amateur "diagnoses" which in the main are not helpful.

Honestly I think your lovely DD needs low-key support rather than hands-on with the baby from you. You expressed the view that it takes a village to raise a child, but that comes later I think. This phase is about allowing mum to indulge her protective instincts, which the midwife correctly identifies as normal. She needs space and that might or might not include practical home management (meals, laundry etc.) but only as she feels the need.

I know you want to help, but that help needs to be what she really feels she needs, and only she can decide that. Pressing more on her than she feels she needs runs the risk of alienating her. You are part of her "village" and need to have lines of communication flowing freely in order to be the help that you wish to be.

In the wild all new mothers are to be avoided like the plague as their protective instincts are on red alert!

Oh Lathyrus your need to make an OP suit your own agenda is astounding.

The OP suggested her D leave her son with her, she did not tell her to leave the baby with her and go and it was her daughter who referred to separation anxiety, not the OP.

I agree fancythat that it's time to leave the OP alone. She's left the thread and understandably wont be returning to GN.

CrochetGiGi

I think I get the message loud and clear.
I can't do anything

Yes you can. You can provide practical help, not necessarily hands on with the baby. You could bake a pie, do some shopping, housework whatever. Your daughter has been through a difficult time with believing she's not able to have a child, then giving birth to a large baby with feeding problems, then expressing for each feed. She must be shattered. I realise you and the other gran are eager to be more hands on with the baby, but why not bide your time, help in a way which gives the new mum a break from household stuff and time to be a mum. Your time (and the other gran's) will come, when your daughter has settled into being a mum.

Luckygirl3

She does not have "separation anxiety"!!!

She is simply a new mum with a baby with feeding problems which at the moment she is happier managing herself.

You could best help by making a meal, doing her shopping etc. which will free up her time for doing her mothering - it is HER mothering!!!

She does not have "separation anxiety"!!!
No, she doesn't.

Well said, Luckygirl.

She's a first-time Mum with a longed-for baby with feeding problems and who will need a routine operation, but she is bound to worry even if it is routine procedure now.

Am I the only one who has noticed that the SiL, father of the baby, has not had a mention apart from the fact that he is a lovely guy and that they are now married?

Does he have an opinion? Is he a hands-on father or a helpful husband?

First, , congratulations. Remember, they moved closer to you because they love you.

I am sure they will want to share, and have help, given a little time.

Nobody can predict how a new mum will react, please don't be too disappointed it wasn't as you have expected.

I remember very well wanting to just cope, I'll be honest and say it would have been hard for me to feel sort of more expectations of me even if I knew deep down they were well intended.

I think all you need to do is pull back a while, they know they can ask for help, send little love texts now and then, and be patient. Hard, but maybe necessary?

CrochetGiGi

I would like to thank all who responded, helpfully and with patience to my enquiry.
Fallingstar, justwokeup , smileless2012 & silverlinings48, particularly!
But this has made me realise why I have avoided SM. I will not be returning.

I think it is time to leave the op alone now?

op, you can ask GN to delete the thread if you so wished.
They dont always do so, but often they will.

She does not have "separation anxiety"!!!

She is simply a new mum with a baby with feeding problems which at the moment she is happier managing herself.

You could best help by making a meal, doing her shopping etc. which will free up her time for doing her mothering - it is HER mothering!!!

I think you’re the one that hasn’t read the original post.

The OP complains

she’s only been allowed to feed once
she told her daughter to leave the baby with her and go
she’s exchanged views on her daughter with the other grandparents
he wants to more than the fortnightly visits he has a firm belief that she @the village- @ is needed to raise tis baby, his parents are not enough
her daughter has said no to any “help” offered but the OP can’t accept that and is seeking validation from us

If that doesn’t look like a disaster unlesssomething changes, then I guess we do see things very differently and operate very differently with our families too.

It never ceases to amaze me how people can read the same OP and subsequent posts, and yet 'see' things that aren't there completely differently .

Hithere has demonstrated this perfectly by posting to criticise the OP and the paternal GM, for something that the OP's daughter said about herself.

No where Lathyrus has the OP suggested let alone said, that she wants her GS to herself. She has expressed concern about her D becoming exhausted and has said nothing about there being something wrong with her.

There is no suggestion or mention of GM's ganging up and putting pressure on and no one has encouraged her to do any of the aforementioned because none of it has come from the OP.

Smileless2012

Disagreement can be given in a sympathetic way Lathyrus and there is nothing helpful about unpleasantness.

I suppose there were a number of things the OP sad that shocked me into responding the way I did.

Not only that she wants to feed her daughters baby and have him to herself but that she believes there is something wrong with her daughter, who doesn’t want that.

Not to mention discussing it with the MIL behind the daughters back. That horrified me. Two of them ganging up and putting the pressure on.

I hoped it would jolt her into taking an honest look at her motives and her actions before more harm was done. The more she pushes and is , making her daughter feel bad the more the daughter will have to push back. Or give in to the pressure and feel worse.

I was wrong. She actually only wanted people to approve of her and her reaction to the vast majority of posters telling her to back off said everything about the way she reacts when she doesn’t get what she wants.

Obviously my approach wasn’t helpful in getting her to think again. Neither, I think, is the softly, softly.

The sympathetic few, that are the only ones the OP will listen to, have really just encouraged her to go on with behaviour that can only lead to a bad outcome.

Hithere

The title is hilarious - the daughter does not seem to have separation anxiety

We may have a case of two overinvolved grandmothers who think they know best

Why did you find it hilarious Hithere it was the Mother, not the Grandparents who stated this.