Daughters Separation Anxiety

I think you and the MIL need to back off. I was like a mother tiger with my babies and never wanted to hand them over. With a baby with extra needs I can see why your dd is being vigilant, and quite honestly, trying to separate mother and baby is unkind. As the baby grows and develops, separation will come naturally. These small baby days don’t last forever.

Why do you need to feed the baby and to have him to yourself?

I think this is much more about your wanting to play mother again.

I can’t see any *seperation anxiety” in a mother wanting to feed and be with her 7 month old baby.

I think it’s very worrying that you are giving her this mental health label because she is not agreeing to meet your needs.

We only want to support, neither of us want to separate them.
We both feel that taking everything on herself isn't doing either of them any good, she is never apart from him even when he's with his Dad. We're very aware of the brevity of this period. If she's too exhausted to properly enjoy it, how does that help.

If someone doesn’t want the help you are offering, then it’s not help, it’s additional pressure.

If you really truly want to help, stop suggesting she gives in to the things you want and genuinely ask and offer to do things that she would find helpful.

Which is very clearly not the care of her baby.

I have to say that as a new Grandparent and as I said in my original post new to Gransnet, who is feeling confused and merely sharing my thoughts and asking for advice, I am surprised by the hostility of the replies so far, this is doesn't feel supportive, or advice.

Just tell her you’ll help when she needs it………and leave it alone. She is no doubt overwhelmed and wanting to get things right for her new family dynamic.

Yes I'm not trusted with one grandchild who has some problems.
Neither is anyone else.
I hate to say it,
but the only way to deal with it is to back off.
Don't be upset or discouraged .

I’m sorry if it sounds harsh, but I really don’t think you are being honest with yourself about your motives.

I’m not sure what support you want really, unless it’s for someone to say, of course, you should be able to feed you daughters baby even if she doesn’t want you to. Or, of course, you should be able to have the baby to yourself and send her of on her own, even if that distresses her.

I can only see trouble ahead for you and her if you don’t step back and let her mother as she wishes. The more you push against what she wants the more she will feel the need to hold you at arms length.

Aren’t there lots of other chores and jobs you could take off her if you think she is exhausted?

Thanks, it a little more understanding, when I offer to help with anything she always refuses.

Another thank you, I feel like I'm being told by some that I'm wrong to be excited about my first grandchild

CrochetGiGi

I have to say that as a new Grandparent and as I said in my original post new to Gransnet, who is feeling confused and merely sharing my thoughts and asking for advice, I am surprised by the hostility of the replies so far, this is doesn't feel supportive, or advice.

Just because you’re not hearing what you want, doesn’t mean what is being said isn’t supportive. You were given advice, you didn’t like it
It it possible you aren’t hearing what your daughter is saying either?

She has a medically complex child, of course she’s protective. She’s likely grieving that she cannot breast feed, so of course she’s unwilling to hand over the baby for feedings- especially when feeding him improperly could be very damaging!

Visiting every two weeks is very normal. She shouldn’t change what works for them just because your expectations aren’t being met.

I’m sorry you’re not getting what you want, but try to enjoy the time you do see them. A village only works if all the villagers know their roles

As far as the Mental Health label 'seperation anxiety ' was her term not mine
Sadly any help offered is rejected. So what you are telling me that even though they moved ten minutes away I need to keep away from my daughter and grandchild.

I think I get the message loud and clear.
I can't do anything

This sounds like a much wanted baby, the one your daughter thought she’d never have. Early baby days are so difficult for new parents, but much as we grandparents want to be hands on and help, sometimes that isn’t required but when this happened with one of our GCs we helped by sending a care package for the new parents, easy meals and little treats to keep them going. And if you live nearby you can maybe cook meals for them and just drop them in or ask if you can help with the laundry.
I don’t blame your daughter for holding onto her new baby, just be glad that she is so besotted with the little mite.
In time things will settle down and am sure you will find she will need more help with the baby.
All the best. Xx

No CrochetGiGi ,I don't think anyone is saying you need to keep away,offer help in another way ,any shopping,cleaning etc.I think any new mum has a bit of seperation anxiety and as she thought she couldn't conceive it's understandable. There'll come a time when you will be more involved but it has to come naturally,the more you push ,the more she'll resist..enjoy the time you do spend and if she hovers when you're holding baby it doesn't matter...

when my two were small I had no family close, and there were times when I really could have done with help

The past is a different country and all that.

Thanks Fallingstar,

I think what you say is most helpful.
We are seeing them this evening, I will try to back off, and ask how I can help, although she keeps telling me she doesn't need any help.
I'm absolutely thrilled with how well she is coping.

I have to say this brief experience has reminded me why I normally avoid Social Media.

Op

Your daughter does not believe in the village like you do

Even if you believe in it, the parent picks the villagers, not the other way round

Your daughter and son in law finally had the child they dreamed of, please let them enjoy it.

This is how relationships go downhill fast - when agendas and expectations dont match and grandparents (the third party) push too much

Attributing this to "separation anxiety" sounds blindingly insensitive .

If I am allowed to hold him she watches me like a hawk and tells me where I’m doing things wrong, I know advise has changed but I did raise two children

Did your babies have this condition?

Her baby is not like yours. Her experience of new motherhood is not like yours was . She moved house while heavily pregnant, then had a traumatic delivery; her baby has a problem; she knows he faces surgery ( and after it may still face other longterm problems) .

She is following expert specialist advice on the care of his condition and management of her vulnerable baby. To her, that specialist expertise is gospel and must be followed religiously. JUST DO IT HER WAY.

Stop focussing on "We are a grandmother ", because frankly, you ARE doing it wrong.

You might tell your daughter " I'm new to this grandmother thing and so inexperienced I'm not very good at it yet. Sorry about that, I'm ready to listen and try harder "

There is no evidence that the OP is being overbearing or insensitive about this situation. I don’t know why some posters are imagining she is doing everything wrong and needs telling about it.
She is simply asking for advice. Not to be told to go to the back of the class. A new baby is always a thing of joy in any family but also existing family dynamics have to move to accommodate this new arrival and the way it will change the lives of the new parents. It isn’t always easy.

I think times have changed.

It used to be "it takes a village".
The younger generation often dont see it that way, it seems to me.

What a wonderful surprise for the parents and you all when your daughter found she was pregnant. Congratulations. How lovely they live so close.

I hope the treatment the baby needs is being dealt with and your daughter is able to feel more relaxed. It’s still early days.

When my first gc was born she was quite poorly. I naturally wanted to help but found my offers were mostly refused because of my dd anxiety.

I had to accept this so used to suggest I cook or do shopping etc. I didn’t want to hog the baby, I wanted to help my daughter like I suspect you do.
Best thing is to take a back seat tell her you are there fir her and wait to be asked.

If you'd read the OP's post @ 14.37 butterandjam you'd see it was her daughter, not the OP who referred to separation anxiety.

Having thought they'd never have been able to have children CrochetGiGi I think it's understandable that your D wants to be with their baby every minute of every day, even without his cleft soft palett.

I can also understand your desire to help and to be able to hold your GS without being 'watched like a hawk' and being told that what you're doing is wrong. Not sure though how much you can do wrong, simply holding your GS.

It's ridiculous for it to be suggested that you want to separate your D from her baby but unfortunately, that's GN for you.

My advice is to stop offering help and when you them this evening just say if there's anything you can do to help they only have to ask, and leave it at that.

I'm sure as Flippin2 has said, there will come a time when you're able to be more involved so just be patient and congratulations .

Congratulations to all of you. It must be wonderful to have the child no one expected. Your DD and SiL must be over the moon. When I had my first DC I didn’t let anyone take over for over a year and there were no health issues, nor did I ever worry that I might not become pregnant. I see now that I was selfish - I would have liked visitors to bring baking, do washing up etc and leave me with the baby - but I couldn’t have changed if I tried. All new Mums are exhausted but she’s young and strong, I guess, and you can be sure they will ask when they eventually want a babysitter. You’ve lots of years to enjoy him.