A question on over-thinking

Win, just why did you reply to crazyh like that? Very unkind. Its hardly a crime to say you liked an ex. Are you supposed to sit in silence or just talk about the weather in case you inadvertently say the wrong thing. If dil is so over sensitive after being married 12 years and with two children, the marriage is in trouble..

crazyH

I am a chronic over-thinker.
If I don’t hear from someone, I worry that they are ill, then I worry that maybe I have upset them, then, I go back to my last conversation with them and try to remember ever single word of our conversation.
Recently, went out with the family and we were reminiscing. I mentioned an old gf of one of my sons. I said she was nice and
that I liked her. I really did. Big faux pas !! My d.i.l. walked out of the room with her phone. I bet she went out to call her mum to complain about me. That’s me overthinking!! Perhaps she didn’t mind it all. They’ve been happily married for 12 years and have 2 lovely girls.
On the other hand, perhaps I was tactless ….
I haven’t heard from my d.i.l. since then. ???

IMO you were very tactless and I would worry too

loopyloo

Did anyone ever tell Einstein not to overthink?
I do think this is almost always aimed at women.

No when I was a manager & trainees were having problems getting their heads round the job, I used to tell several male colleagues not to overthink - because they were & fear of making a mistake (which they would have learned from) paralysed them.

My primary teacher used to tell me "The man who never made a mistake, never made anything".

Flaxseed... that's not overthinking, that's grief upon grief. Hope you get some hope for the future. X

Such an interesting post . Living alone 20 years with no support . Family live away and I'm on the perifial of their life . Few friends nowadays which leaves me to cope with life alone . I'm OK but it's so hard at times when things go wrong my brain/mind goes into overthinking. My anxiety heightens and fear kicks in , all the what ifs and worse fears arise . Heart thumps and my tinnitus becomes so loud . I've never had support and whatever needs sorting help has to be sourced by finding someone to help me . These are the times I live in fear and overwhelming thoughts . For me life alone is very hard but somehow I get through .

It’s the opposite of faith and trust. Easy to say but true, everything is a risk really, without faith and trust in….life, luck, instinct, God, there are no answers.

I overthink when it comes to my adult children and grandchildren. I often find myself imagining worst-case scenarios and have had CBT in the past that wasn’t helpful at all.
But as previous posters have said, it seems to be a thing that comes with age, due to past experiences.
My best friend lost her son aged 8, another friend’s son died of a heart defect at 4.
We lost my brother to hospital neglect aged 44 and my poor parents found him dead in his bed. My Mums friend lost her son aged 13 in a car accident.
A child at my grandsons school died aged 5 due to a brain bleed.
So it’s no wonder I catatrophise like I do!
CBT tries to reframe your thinking but surrounded with these past experiences, I will never not think the worst.

Kiwibird, last post, excellent.

I don't overthink for example, which pair of shoes to wear to go out, but I do overthink and replay conversations and I overthink how situations might play out. The worst is overthinking at night or as soon as you wake up.Sometimes I think it's your brain trying to prepare you for coping with whichever scenario unfolds !

That all makes sense.

DiL WhatsApp'd me I was over thinking when an arrangement with DS to come down with the children started looking very compromised at my end as he appeared not to have considered this and that.

When he arrived it was very much the case he had not worked out not only this, that, but also the other. It's just as well I had done all the thinking.
I don't know how much some of the events he ever told her, but a good time was had anyway...but I did challenge her on it.

'I think life makes us more cautious as we age due to past experiences so we over analyse things. I never used to be like this but I am now.' I agree with that NanRuby.

Questions arise as we get older well they do for me. Should I stay in this house or move. Should I stay in this part of the city or another. Is my money going to last. Things like that. I've loved reading the responses to my original question and I've been thinking (haha) that I do not overthink, I mull well. To mull is to consider, contemplate, maybe for quite a while but in a healthy way. One explanation of an overthinker is 'habitually dwells on thoughts, ideas and problems to an excessive degree'. I think the important two words are habitually and excessive. I don't do that. I have had a bad habit since g.children arrived over 20 yrs ago of worrying about them. Is that a Gran thing? Is worrying another word for overthinking? Anyway I no longer worry about these adult g.children. They're intelligent and well able to handle their own ups and downs without Grandma overthinking what they should do or not do.. So when I find myself going back to that overthinking/worrying habit regarding them I talk to myself strongly. So to finish. I don't think I excessively and habitually spend a lot of time overthinking a question. I mull it over. I mull very well.

Anyways - one has to do a certain amount of thinking in depth about any major issues.

There was a time - up until my 30's - when I only did my own thinking. That was until I had it pointed out to me by a friend/plus sometimes and he said to me "The trouble with you is you're a nice person - and, because you are, that means you tend to assume x/y/z people (our employer!) will think the same way as you and you are WRONG".

Once I thought about it - yep.....cue for what some might call overthinking. From then onwards I thought like me/like a decent person and made my decisions based on that BUT I also put myself into our employers likely mindset. It was absolutely spot-on as a way of thinking - to run that dual-track thinking (ie my own and Utter B** Employer). Every single time I thought what a normal person would think - and then I put myself into their mindset to see what they would think.

It was a dual "thinking load" and I realised I'd got it spot-on when a professional outsider to it all said "You're two steps ahead of them" approvingly. I knew what they'd do next every time from that friends comment onwards - and was able to deal with it so much better.

It doubled the thinking load - as I was determined to still think in my own "normal person" way.....but yep...some might have called it overthinking to do two lots of thinking on everything to do with them (ie my own and theirs too).

So - yep....and a fan of looking at things from all angles - as it's surprising/shocking just how some others might be thinking....

When I first heard this phrase it stopped me in my tracks as I had never heard it before. As the person who used it came up with it again over time I realised they were using it to describe any analytical thinking I was doing out loud. Weighing up the pros and cons is something I have always done so I was surprised to find this was 'overthinking'.
So I have decided that this term, which is relatively new in our language, is actually applied by younger generations to any kind of thinking that is more than superficial.
As previous posters have said, it seems to have elements of a putdown or an insult. The answer I give now is, 'I'm not overthinking it, I'm thinking about it'.

My daughter says I overthink too. I'm not critical of her, so I think it's unfair of her to do it to me. It's said like it's a bad thing. I think things through until I have a solution or until I can put my mind at rest. It's like overthinking is a bad thing. It's not.

NanRuby

I think life makes us more cautious as we age due to past experiences so we over analyse things. I never used to be like this but I am now.

I think it’s more to do with fact that when we were younger our brains were concentrated on, our jobs, children, shopping, housework etc. In other words: life.

It can be anxiety causing overthinking which ends up causing more anxiety. Possibly a bit OCD ISH. I know the feeling. It's also known as rumination..We have to learn how to train the brain instead of the brain controlling our thinking. If it starts causing distress it can help to speak with your doctor. I think it increases with age and can be exhausting. A doc can know ways to help.

I think a problem can be when it is used to put you down, when its used in a pejorative way, ie

"you're over thinking it" as in

"You might think something I don't like or will make my life difficult" - so I'll try and shut you up.....

" I omitted to do this or that and your thinking it through in depth makes me uncomfortable" so I'll try and shut you up.....

There is useful having to think things through over a lot especially when it comes to relationships, and this might pop up at night if you try and avoid thoughts during the day:

clinically there is Rumination where thoughts churn and churn in circles to no purpose at all and clearly its good to try and get out of this...

there is also of course clinically Catastrophising where you habitually assume the worse case scenario, or imagine a minor incident is a catastrophe...and its good to try and change that and CBT may help

But I consider "over thinking" "in the eye of the beholder - so Kiwibird there is no easy answer, except to think if you are trapped in the rumination or catastrophising or genuinely letting thoughts com end go on a tough situation until they resolve themselves.

Personally I find it much easier and better to have someone else to talk it through with - somehow the process itself of verbalising to another person moves you forward whether they can advise you or not.

Deep thinking and overthinking are different.

I was told by a counsellor that for every problem there are around 5 solutions from the least bad outcome to the worst outcome. I always have to come to terms with the worst thing that can happen to decide what I would do, then I am more content. Apparently this is overthinking and I would be happier dealing with the least worrying solution.
Hope this makes sense!?

I am a chronic over-thinker.
If I don’t hear from someone, I worry that they are ill, then I worry that maybe I have upset them, then, I go back to my last conversation with them and try to remember ever single word of our conversation.
Recently, went out with the family and we were reminiscing. I mentioned an old gf of one of my sons. I said she was nice and
that I liked her. I really did. Big faux pas !! My d.i.l. walked out of the room with her phone. I bet she went out to call her mum to complain about me. That’s me overthinking!! Perhaps she didn’t mind it all. They’ve been happily married for 12 years and have 2 lovely girls.
On the other hand, perhaps I was tactless ….
I haven’t heard from my d.i.l. since then. ???

missdeke

I'm not an overthinker except when it comes to eating out, I run through the, sometimes, enormous menues, then reread them again, make a decision, change my mind. Start again from scratch and eventually copy what somebody else is eating and end up disappointed with my choice.

I simplify that one - I just look down the menu for "things I've not tried yet". Add that I won't be having meat anyway and deduct a few dislikes. By that stage there's very little for me to choose from - unfortunately - in most places.

Not too happy if there's nothing I've not tried yet - as these days I'm looking for modern restaurants/pubs (ie ones that vary their menu). Cba with places that want to serve what they want to serve - ie "same old same old". Mental note made of "They're old-fashioned. Get with the programme" and I won't return if I can help it until they're regularly doing new things. Otherwise - what's the point? As one can always just go to Waitrose or Marks & Spencers for something instead (if we've got them nearby - sighs...as I no longer have).

Oh thats strange, 67Notout- my sons a libran too.😀 (you can get microwaves that also do airfrying too,but seem to be more expensive) yes, my son found out this when i needed a new microwave😁

Stillness- my son sounds as though he does same,the procastinating, looking at things from every angle first.

I darent offer my son 2 choices (or more) as we'd be there all day probably🙄

And yes i agree that you may be overthinking the overthinking