Feeling pressurised by male friend

"Should I be clear with him and say I can’t give him what he’s looking for? "

Of course you should. He has been honest with you, and deserves the same in return.
Do the right thing and wish him well and tell him you'll always be there as a friend.

( Either of you can change your minds later but meanwhile you will be respecting each others' feelings. )

Recently someone I know was lulled into comfortable chit chats with a much older man .
She thought of him in fatherly even grandfatherly terms .
Having just finished decorating he wanted to take a peek .
They had tea in her kitchen.
Then he looked around the downstairs rather quickly .
She began to feel uncomfortable as he wanted to see the upstairs.
Then thought I'm being silly .He's old .
How right her instincts were as he grabbed hold of her and tried to kiss her .
She threw him out .
And was really shaken by the experience .

Indiebee, he is possibly attempting to wear you down.

You can indeed blank him or block him, he is harassing you.

Calendargirl

I don’t think I would message him.

Just be civil, but cool, when you have your weekly meetings, but treat him as just another member.

Don’t give him what he might perceive as the slightest bit of encouragement.

I agree with Calendargirl.

I bet his sole life philosophy is "me first, me second, me last and me, me, me all stops in between!"

He sounds like a controlling SELFISH narcissist....RUN

All this advice from splendid GNs has helped me too - I am under pressure at the moment from a similar male friend who keeps messaging me to meet for wine or coffee at his or my house. No I don't want to and shall keep my distance and remember this thread if I have a wobble. Difficult as he is a neighbour and I can't totally blank him as we are in the same local community. Very hard when they don't take No for an answer! Idiots!

Definitely DON'T message him. You are just giving him an opportunity to "open the door ". He might think that you have changed your mind !!!! Be relieved that he's gone quiet and look forward to a less stressful time.

I can see why you felt you should message him because you are obviously a nice person who cares about other people's feelings.However he does NOT,a genuine person would not have sulked,could have sent a message saying 'sorry if I overstepped and rushed you,I'm happy to be friends hgoing forward but will understand if you can't ' or something like that.
Just be surface friendly to him as you would be to any accquaintance at the organisation where you meet.You have dodged a bullet in my opinion .

Redhead56

My suggestion to ward off an irritating demanding friend (if you don't want to be personal). Next time you see him be aloof tell him you are going to be busy with charity work. You have volunteered to knit a hundred squares for blankets. This is a commitment you are willing to give your attention too.
I am certain if he is only occupied with his own selfish intentions he might just get the message.

Please don't.

There is no need for an independent adult woman to make up lying excuses for herself. It's beneath our dignity.

OP, your real commitment is to yourself Your integrity is priceless. Don't squander it .

He’s 76 and was in a relationship with a woman in her late 30s, and then needed therapy when it ended! Honestly, therapy after a break up!
Did he really think a woman that young would be interested in him for long ?
Maybe he did, but anyway you have extricated yourself from him which is the right decision.

Fallingstar, this happened to me - I met him by chance and knew he was married, he was a famous musician.

He would call in often Friday evening, my neighbours referred to him as my ‘Friday night man’ although he only breezed in and out.
Then he played his hand.
I said, ok I will sleep with you book us into a hotel.
Silence
“I thought we would be in your house”
he had only been in our kitchen - at the time I had a late daughter studying A levels,at school with his twin daughters!
I said, ok, I will, but then I don’t want to see or hear from you again-
(this was a ruse suggested by worldly friend, see above)
Silence
either way he would be compromised, not me, I had Ring
I never saw him again. This man was a nuisance in my life, didn’t enhance it at all.

these men fly under a false flag, disrespect us, insult us really,
how dare they..

Dump him. He sounds like a predator.

May I repeat a wisdom a very attractive worldy friend offered when she was suddenly widowed and seen as fair game.
She would say Yes, fine I would really like what you are suggesting, I’m all for it - when you book us in at a lovely hotel for a weekend away, I really love the Lake District, let me know.

As she said, she didn’t see them for dust, like Roadrunner.

This is because the action is meant to take place in your home, which doesn’t cost him anything even laundry fees.
It also sorts out the wheat from the chaff including the married/commited elsewhere ones.

There was one who tried to call her bluff by saying fine,
but can we see if it fits first ?!
and one offered a hot night at a
Travelodge as he had heard the mattresses are ‘superb’
before the long trip to the Lake District.
One said they should both go by train and he would meet her there at Penrith.
This is a ladylike woman with own large house, car, garden,
son a doctor daughter a vet, employs staff and always elegant but these predatory men would reduce her to a notch.
Any workman, painter, even two different men from the water board, all tried their hand,she felt under siege.

In Lancashire there is an expression, “if he can carry a bucket he wants to f*k this told by a sage friend, or here is another one,
“a ‘gentleman’ is a patient wolf”

That this man showed his hand early is a blessing really,
randy old men are not attractive in any way especially
pushy ones, the mercy being that it seldom lasts long.
Apparently.

LaCrepescule

Indeed - top notch advice! From lovely grown-up women who’ve been round the block a few times.
I haven’t heard from him since Sunday (maybe he’s sulking,) so thought I might send a short message telling him, kindly, that I’m not looking for a relationship. Because honestly I hedged a bit when he asked because I was so taken aback.
I’ll keep it civil as we’re part of the same organisation which has a weekly meeting and a few of us often go for a coffee afterward. It would be different if I never needed to see him again - I’d just decline any further requests from him to meet up. Good idea or not?

Honestly, I wouldn't do that.
Leave him to his sulking.
Just be civil when you see him at your next meeting.
Best left alone now in my humble.

I wish you every happiness going forward.

My older sister lost her husband in his early sixties, she was determined not to ever seek male company again but succumbed after several years. He was a few years older but very fit and healthy and a real charmer, a bit too charming imho but anyway, but over time he changed and became needy and wheedling, wanted to move into her bungalow - he had a small flat - and to have a more physical relationship, when she said no he would just pile on the pressure. Thankfully like this OP she was no push over and with advice from family and friends she told him it was over and she would rather not see him again.
She now enjoys life on her terms and though she has male as well as female friends from the clubs she has joined she is happy to keep it purely social, not personal.

My suggestion to ward off an irritating demanding friend (if you don't want to be personal). Next time you see him be aloof tell him you are going to be busy with charity work. You have volunteered to knit a hundred squares for blankets. This is a commitment you are willing to give your attention too.
I am certain if he is only occupied with his own selfish intentions he might just get the message.

LaCrepescule

Indeed - top notch advice! From lovely grown-up women who’ve been round the block a few times.
I haven’t heard from him since Sunday (maybe he’s sulking,) so thought I might send a short message telling him, kindly, that I’m not looking for a relationship. Because honestly I hedged a bit when he asked because I was so taken aback.
I’ll keep it civil as we’re part of the same organisation which has a weekly meeting and a few of us often go for a coffee afterward. It would be different if I never needed to see him again - I’d just decline any further requests from him to meet up. Good idea or not?

Yes you need to be firm no further meetings, tell him he is not the one for you, and leave it at that. His pride will be hurt that you rejected him, don't get involved in telling him why you finished that will just draw you back in. As you see him regularly, just treat him the same as any of the other men.

A friend of mine has unexpectedly started a relationship, his lady (65) is lovely and head over heels too soon. They could make a good match but I fear there will be a lot of tears, because he puts his "wants"in front of hers. I'm going to have a word with him at the weekend I don't think he realizes what he's doing.

I don’t think I would message him.

Just be civil, but cool, when you have your weekly meetings, but treat him as just another member.

Don’t give him what he might perceive as the slightest bit of encouragement.

Indeed - top notch advice! From lovely grown-up women who’ve been round the block a few times.
I haven’t heard from him since Sunday (maybe he’s sulking,) so thought I might send a short message telling him, kindly, that I’m not looking for a relationship. Because honestly I hedged a bit when he asked because I was so taken aback.
I’ll keep it civil as we’re part of the same organisation which has a weekly meeting and a few of us often go for a coffee afterward. It would be different if I never needed to see him again - I’d just decline any further requests from him to meet up. Good idea or not?

Invaluable top advice in all of these posts from sound Grans Netters.

Good Luck 🤞

Ugh. I would find this utterly repellent.

Time to cool things off, no man should EVER put pressure on a woman the way he has treated you.

I’m just glad to be out of it - so much drama in an elderly man’s life. It’s rather pathetic really….
Anyway, I have a really good life after a somewhat colourful past and have found a degree of peace.

Wait... this early, and he wants an exclusive relationship? Is he one of the God's gift to womenkind people, and you'll be missing out unless you say 'yes'? Relationships happen; they are not made to happen.

I would make it clear to him,again, that you enjoy his company but just take things slowly..he sounds very 'needy' to me and too much like hard work and you are obviously not entirely comfortable with him so at this moment keep at arms length. 40 years his junior????? Is he wealthy 36 &76 is a huge age gap. My daughter is 36 so I find that very weird as this man 10 years older than her father!!!! You have to wonder why? Is he one of those men who needs to have a woman as he cannot cope on his own or likes to be seen with a woman,the younger the better? I think there are too many 'red' flags,at this time and you are uncomfortable! Stay friends and if he's not happy with that,it says all you need to know....good luck!