Is it the end of a long friendship?

cornergran

Agree with M0nica.

Yesterday evening I made us both a hot chocolate drink from a container of drinking chocolate. It didn’t occur to me to examine the date. I’ve just been and looked. It’s 18 months after the best before date, tasted fine and we’re still here.

This. The mania for dates on everything is ridiculous. Perishable food, yes (though I speak as one who goes by the 'smell, look and taste' test) but tinned and packet food lasts for much, much longer than dates would suggest. My AC go through the fridge throwing out eggs that are ONE DAY out of date..! How they'd have managed with rationing (when you saved up your 1 egg per week to make a cake every few months) I have no idea...😄😁

cfmp - you sound a lovely person, and deserve better treatment.

Long friendships can sometimes end unexpectedly, like long marriages. And it hurts - a lot.

Unless this friend has depression or early dementia, she might have lost interest in the friendship a while back, and not know how to pull away. Some people need an excuse to pick a quarrel, in order to make the break.

A loyal and kind friend who is mentally healthy would never punish their long-term friend over such a trivial mistake.

You could show respect for yourself, and stand back from the whole thing for a while. Not to punish or hurt her in return, but to see exactly how the land lies! If she is a genuine friend and has over-reacted to you, she will miss you and feel ashamed of her treatment of you, and may want you back.

I once had a long-term friend that made a hurtful mistake in our relationship. (Slightly worse than out-of-date chocolates!) At the time I wouldn't forgive her. She accepted my rejection - although she must have been very hurt. She maintained her self respect, and stayed away from me.

However, a couple of years went by, and I had missed her very much. I wrote her a beautiful letter and apologised for my over-reaction of two years before. She graciously accepted. We met up, and she apologised in return, and explained to me, from her point of view - why her mistake in our friendship had occurred. Our friendship renewed, and at a deeper level. We had new, mutual respect for each other. She died last year of a dreadful illness, and I was so glad I had re-connected with her, and was a support to her at the end of her life. I would have felt such guilt hearing how she died, and remembering my rejection of her. We were friends for a total of 47 years! (Not counting the two missed years.)

cfmp - You've had many excellent words of advice. You can choose which advice suits your own circumstances the best!!

She is totally over reacting in my opinion! She would not have damaged her kidneys been poisoned or anything else! You've apologised for mistake. Is there something else going on with her as she is being ridiculous..... If that had been me I would never have even said to you and if she was that worried about her health why did'nt she just bin them and say nothing? Very strange reaction

cfmp

I am wrong to be surprised and disappointed? I have known this friend for over 40 years. We have been very close friends, helping each other regularly. My friend can be a bit judgemental and difficult at times, but she is generous and reliable. For Christmas, one of my presents to her was a mistake. I know she loves hot chocolate, and I bought her a set of various hot chocolates. I never looked carefully at the packaging and my friend discovered that the sell by date had expired. She has since more or less accused me of trying to poison her. She has gone on and one how she could have been seriously ill if she had drunk the hot chocolates, how it could have damaged her kidneys and liver. At first, I felt she was a bit of a drama queen and would soon forget the issue, but she hasn't. I feel sad that our long friendship could be over because of some out of date hot chocolate. Is she over reacting or am I not taking the issue seriously enough? What would you do? I have apologised, but obviously that hasn't been enough.

Try and forget about her. Not worth losing sleep over.

See response from the OP yesterday at 18.15pm.

I think your friend being way over the top here. What a fuss and she sounds a right drama queen to be honest. Liver and kidney damage????

I think I woud feel like saying "Get a life" but mindful of your long friendship here.

Just say sorry had no idea out of date, you aren't going to die and give her another little gift. I had a present once which was a tea caddy in a gift wrap done for Christmas and when I opened 6 months out of date but didn't make a fuss over it and the tea bags were fine and still here!

I fell out with a friend of many years over something very small. 2 years on my life is better without her. I had not realised how controlling and manipulating she was until I had a little distance from her. If this friendship was meant to last she will get over it, in the meantime, give it some space and gain some perspective on the relationship.

I have a friend who gave me a tin of biscuits 2 years out of date. I just never mentioned it to her. Why didn’t your friend just throw them away and say nothing

That's really a drastic response, I think shes starting with mental health problems of old age. Leave her be

On the other hand, can you imagine her reaction. “We ‘ve been friends for over 40 years and guess what she gave me for Christmas? Some out of date drinking chocolate”!!!!!! Personally, I would never have mentioned it, but if I were you I would now ask her exactly what she wants you to do about it, as she obviously cannot accept it was a mistake and has a problem dealing with it!

Is it possible your gift inadvertently sent the message you really don't care to buy her a proper gift? Have you done something like this before? Does she spend a lot of money on gifts for you? IS she having some difficulty in life that you may not know about? This sounds like a straw that broke the camel's back scenario and she snapped. Certainly hot chocolate out-of-date is not going to ruin your organs.

So I'm in the camp that gifts matter. They can send a message of love and attention or they can miss the mark all together and sometimes that can hurt.

I think 40 years is a long friendship and if I were you I'd ask her to meet up with you and discuss it in person. And give her a heartfelt apology (again) and hopefully she will do the same. I hope you two can work it out by actively discussing what went wrong. This isn't about hot chocolate.

My instant thought was that she was annoyed and indirectly attacking you for possibly buying them cheap because of short date. And she’s somehow caught you out otherwise why on earth would she think you would purposely buy her out of date stuff? Which is why I think she might think you got them cheap and therefore knew. Horrid. I wouldn’t want to be her friend anymore there usually comes a point, a step too far.

I wouldn’t be very pleased if a dear friend gave me an out of date gift, but I would’ve just popped it in the bin , no need to fall out.

Have you got the bill on your bank account to prove you had bought in all honesty at the shop before giving it and not looked at the date. Send her a copy. Shops have records they can look back on , well they were able to do so for me when I was searching for allergies in the food I had bought.

yellowcanary

My friend and I have been friends for well over 50 years, love charity shop shopping and often give each other gifts that we have bought in various charity shops (along with "proper" presents) for birthdays and Christmas. Nothing wrong with that, it's a way of getting/giving more .

I volunteer in a charity shop and near Christmas we often get people who’ve agreed to get charity shop things . They often have a set amount .

Having read your recent post . You’ve apologised and tried to contact her . I’d let it go . The balls in her court .
If I’d received out of date hot chocolate, I wouldn’t say anything to the giver .Tbh I probably wouldn’t have clocked the date.
My brother and sil give odd presents , often weird alcoholic drinks . I just say thanks and later on give them to a friend for a tombola .

My friend and I have been friends for well over 50 years, love charity shop shopping and often give each other gifts that we have bought in various charity shops (along with "proper" presents) for birthdays and Christmas. Nothing wrong with that, it's a way of getting/giving more .

Just read your post about the charity shop gift- again she behaved very badly.
In your position I would drop her immediately. Prima Dona indeed ! foolish woman .

Some friend!! She is absolutely ridiculous!!!!
Like fancy that I too wonder if she is ill.
Dementia springs to mind. Dementia creeps up very slowly and is very subtle.
If she is not ill she is completely over the top. Do you need a ' friend' like that ??

Just say that you both should stop presents from now on. It’s too stressful between friends. Keep your friendship and let the presents go.

Was in out of date or just best before.
Goods friends would laugh about it.

I am still waiting to see if she is going to calm down, but I remember her falling out completely with another friend who apparently had send her a birthday present that lady had bought from a charity shop. My friend was furious accusing her friend of obviously not considering her of any value if the only thing bought had come from a charity shop. To be honest, I am getting fed up with this prima dona behaviour. I have apologised. I have written to her 3 times. Now, it's up to her, although I feel the whole situation very sad.

A friend gave me a present for a special birthday of mine. Unfortunately, when I unwrapped it there was a gift tag inside which showed it had been a gift to her by one of her friends. She clearly didn’t like it so gave it to me! I didn’t like it either! However, I never told her about my discovery as I didn’t want to embarrass her. I did feel a little put out but haven’t let it get in the way of our friendship.

Honestly, I’m sure any of my friends might have said, “Are you trying to kill me?” And we’d have fallen about laughing; seeing the whole thing as a joke. I would apologise & buy a replacement (within use by date) gift. We’d probably refer back to the Christmas or birthday id tried to kill her off occasionally, just to raise a smile. Your friend sounds like hard work!

In all honesty she is an overreacting drama queen . If that happened to me as a recipient I would laugh off , I probably wouldn’t have said anything (probably wouldn’t have even noticed). I would give her some space to get over herself.