Wanting to unfriend a "friend"

Sometimes a friendship just runs its course.

I wouldn't acknowledge her birthday at all, would just back off.

Somethings not right...try to see if you can help her, she seems to have not handled retirement well and is a little lost

My husband had a tendency to talk too much in social situations. I then realised it was because he couldn’t hear properly so talking was easier than listening. He sorted it with better hearing aids.

I agree that something is not right. Does she live alone? Does she have a partner/children?

Retirement alone can do weird things to people. If work was the guiding light of their life they can lose their focus and need to find a reason to get up and go out. Are the ramblings actually true or is this her way of proving to herself (and everyone else) that she is still 'someone'?

It does sound as if there may perhaps be medical or social reasons for your friend's changes in personality.
However that doesn't make her behaviour any less unpleasant to put up with. But it will be easier to bear if you make allowances, and don't feel resentful about how she behaves or take it too much to heart. It does mean the friendship has inevitably changed though and is not what it was. You would be continuing to see her as an act of kindness not as something that gives you pleasure too.
Be honest with yourself about whether you want to or can do this. And forgive yourself if you can't. She matters of course. But so do you.
You could talk to your third friend about it. Even if you two do still see her occasionally, you could also meet up without hér occasionally if you both enjoy each others company.
It is sad. But change is the nature of life. Especially as we grow older.

Perhaps she’s lonely, and now enjoys having somebody to talk to. I agree it’s good to have friends to talk WITH namely a two way conversation. However lonely people need to talk. Just a thought

Maybe she is terribly lonely and doesn't get the chance to talk to anybody so rambles on when she gets the chance. I think it is sad that a friend of 30 years is obviously having problems and the answer is to just block her. I hope I have better friends than that. I would like to think that my friends would kindly try to get to the bottom of any problem first before walking away.

It’s funny that this subject has come up.
All my life l have tolerated various ‘quirks/thoughtless behaviour’ from friends. I know that none of us is perfect and we have to accept that. Since however reached my late sixties l no longer have the tolerance to ‘put up’ with things l put up with years ago and l have actually unfriended a fair few people! That may sound harsh and it probably is but l just don’t have the appetite to spend loads of time with people who treat me poorly and who are thoughtless.

She may be starting with dementia, dont chuck her, I did, and I miss her terribly

Most of these so called friends that have been discussed on here sound incredibly selfish.

It seems a few of us always seem to have one person per group who can be terribly annoying and selfish.

I’m afraid I couldn’t be bothered with people like that.
Let them go of into the sunset and annoy someone else.

I had a friend like this. Her behaviour became erratic. I limited communication to letters and texts. She died last year from cancer. I really regretted not keeping in touch with her, when she grew ill, and when she suddenly died, but I couldn't cope with her. You have to live with whatever you decide.

Hi Butterbean. As it’s not a regular visit from your friend of 30 years, I’d just see her if I’m free. She must’ve been a good friend for your friendship to last all them 30 years. I’d send her a card and be nice to her, she may have some health issues. If you can remember some great times with her, then please don’t dismiss her now. Just take the time with her a few times a year. Wishing you all the best.

Thanks again everyone. There's a lot to think about here. AmberGran yes she has a husband but they are always falling out and a son who lives 20 mins away from her. I forgot to mention earlier that she has started to go to bed at 6am "because she's not tired" and doesn't get up until 2pm. Her husband is exasperated. The more I think about things, I think something is really wrong. I suppose it could be the start of dementia. However, I had a nervous breakdown 12 years ago trying to care for my Mum and Mum didn't present with these issues although I know everyone is different. Like I said, so much to consider here. Thank you all so much.

I am in the same boat. I have known a friend since we were 11. She sends me messages every day full of doom and gloom. When I said that my family were going to Cape Town she said 'heck no. People have been warned not to travel at the moment. Let's hope they arrive back safely'. She also sends me links to websites saying that statins and blood pressure tablets (both of which I take) are dangerous and that Putin says he will cause the end of the world and that there will be a war soon and we will all be blown up. I am a terrible worrier anyway and really don't need all that negativety.

Turning day into night and vice versa could be a sign of dementia

I have a dear friend, and I know I'm important to her, who has been diagnosed with dementia. She chats away and I hardly get a word in, and she tells me things several times. Her short-term memory is very shaky too.
But we go to concerts together, she comes to stay the night, enjoys a good meal. She has a,good family but is anxious.
It's just one of those things and I hope she at least remains stable.

Judy54

How do the other friends feel? It is only 4 times a year, if it were me I would be inclined to carry on meeting, it is regular but not often. It also sounds as though she may have health problems and is becoming forgetful, turning up at strange times etc. I would not resent someone like this but try to understand their behaviour.

Maybe so. She doesn't sound in great shape. Try and find out more about her health before making your decision.

Butterbean -
It's very difficult when you've been great friends to come to terms with the relationship changing in such a negative way.
We all need to offload ,but when one person offloads without listening to the other person it starts to irritate .

I saw my ftiend very briefly last night .
I said that I was in a rush ,before the monologue about her new friend began .
I'm sick and tired of hearing about it .
I'm sure that other people are too.
Neither do I want to go out with her .
I just don't feel 100% having been ill for about six weeks and I need a break from stress.
Perhaps I've changed-maybe I'm less tolerant thsn I was before .
I've wondered about dementia or some other mental health problem over the last couple of years .
Her GP has told her that it's an adverse reaction to the menopause .
I don't think that I noticed that she was so self engrossed before.
Perhaps I didn't want to .
I can see that she doesn't give a damn about me . I feel like an option if she wants to go out an no one else is available .
It's sad .
I've had a tough time trying to deal with it .

I hope that you can come to terms with it .

Agree with OldFrill - do some background research if you can, this friend is obviously in some sort of cognitive decline and that may happen to you too Butterbean at some point.

If you get no response from family and/or others who see this person more regularly than you do, try communicating with her privately, ask her if she's having difficulty remembering or realises she's showing signs of obsessing over new friendships, or repeating the same story. Just take it from there to see if she needs help. Don't we all want more than just Fair weather friends as we grow older?

I'm with Lathyrus. I'm wondering if there is a physical cause. Does she have a partner or other relation whom you could carefully contact and mention your concerns ?

Hi Everyone.
Thank you all for your thoughts and kind words. I never expected all these replies. I will update when I find out if anything is wrong and I will support her if she is ill. It's not until I think back to many other scenarios over the last few years ie: never on time for our lunch dates leaving me sitting in the car outside her house for up to 40 mins, monologuing about random things, all sorts of things but no interest in others. Ringing me at 11pm because "she knows I'll still be up". Its when I add it all together and, thanks to everyone here, I now think it's a bigger issue.

The older I get, the more I appreciate that one of the greatest gifts one can offer to others is listening - active listening. Excessive talkers can be an awful trial.

I would be the bigger person, send her a card for her birthday and if she is such a trial maybe just say when the next meal is due that you cannot go.,She sounds very lonely and maybe ill. I would meet her coffee, just the two of you some time. Pity to think the friendship is dwindling down. I regretted not seeing one of my oddest friends as she had an affair with a man in his twenties when she was ill with cancer.,"

Butterbean

Thanks again everyone. There's a lot to think about here. AmberGran yes she has a husband but they are always falling out and a son who lives 20 mins away from her. I forgot to mention earlier that she has started to go to bed at 6am "because she's not tired" and doesn't get up until 2pm. Her husband is exasperated. The more I think about things, I think something is really wrong. I suppose it could be the start of dementia. However, I had a nervous breakdown 12 years ago trying to care for my Mum and Mum didn't present with these issues although I know everyone is different. Like I said, so much to consider here. Thank you all so much.

I’ve always been nocturnal but worked round it when I was still working and now that I’m retired I’ve become totally nocturnal. I seem to wake up and want to do things @ 9pm.Things like catchup tv and box sets don’t help. I don’t get to see many people ( being nocturnal doesn’t help!) and when I do I can’t stop talking. I’ve always been terrible when it comes to card giving. I don’t like to buy cards in advance ( think it’s bad luck) and quite often can’t find the right card for the right person so I put a lot of effort into trying to find the right card and then they don’t get one at all. Maybe your friend struggles with having her husband around all the time and can only do the things she wants to do ( with me it’s tv programmes I want to watch) after he’s gone to bed?