Wanting to unfriend a "friend"

I would get through her 70th, and then consider unfriending her.

I agree fancythat.

How do the other friends feel? It is only 4 times a year, if it were me I would be inclined to carry on meeting, it is regular but not often. It also sounds as though she may have health problems and is becoming forgetful, turning up at strange times etc. I would not resent someone like this but try to understand their behaviour.

Since she made so little effort for your two birthdays, I'd say just put a card in the post - 2nd class! - with a basic greeting. No visit, no present and no group lunch meet-up. Sometimes, old friendships do simply die away and it sounds like this is what's happening here.

I have a friend like that. I would get cards and presents sometimes nowhere near my birthday. She was good in other ways though and supported me through rough times.
If your friend rambles on when you meet I can understand how annoying that can be.
You have to decide if she is worth keeping and it sounds as though you don't think she is so ease out of the friendship by not being available.

I think if this friend also drives your other friends up the wall when you all meet up is perhaps time to call time on these meet ups and maybe see each other without her in a less formal/organised way so she doesn’t find out and get upset. If she asks just say you all decided to give it a miss. Would just send a card when is her birthday.

Wait until Bonfire Night before you send her birthday card……..just saying🤷‍♀️

One of my friends changed in a similar way in that she would hold court with stories as if she was doing a presentation and not really gave a conversation, even one to one.

She also got muddled about times and dates (most notably my husbands funeral, but that’s another story 🙄).

However, she then had a massive stroke and it turned out that she had been having many mini strokes that were affecting language and social awareness parts of her brain.

I’m just wondering if your friend is struggling in some way, because you say she has changed enormously in quite a small space of time.

Life has probably changed for her since retiring,she may be not coping with it well,her rambling as you call it might well be something else..if you don't want to stay friends that's your choice but sometimes things are not always what they seem..you never know what's going on in someone's life

Bonfire night 🤣

Thanks everyone for your replies. Some things here I hadn't thought of.

Dementia?

Do you know her family? A quiet word with them about your concerns may be useful. My mother's friends alerted us to my mother's out of character behaviour and it helped us realise she needed support.

It sounds like a health problem to me - dementia? Stroke?

Has she got the early signs of dementia. I would drop the contact to twice a year and see your other friend without her.

It is a difficult situation for you ,but at the same time I feel that friendship means taking the rough with the smooth at times. If you think back to how she used to behave, do you think that this new behaviour is to do with her now living a life alone and perhaps letting habits of listening to the news too often means that she is getting upset about things and no chance to talk it over with anyone. Another possibility is if you look at her pattern of behaviour do you thing that she might possibly be ill? A big change in behaviour could possibly be to do with dementia or a tumour for instance. I hope that isnt the case, but if you could talk to your other friend and between you you might consider these changes.

Then the difficulty thing is to find a time when you can both be very calm and hopefully she is in a receptive mood and suggest that she might need to check with her doctor, as you have both noticed these changes. I think that at the least , this is a kindness and care you can offer her. It may be that she hasnt realized how much she has changed if it is happening slowly but you see it more only meeting occasionally.

You may be glad if this means that there is some medical problem and you have alerted her to this. Even if she gets annoyed and flounces off , you have done your best as a friend to help her. If however she denies it all and continues in the same way then sadly it may be time to stop meeting or seeing her, but I do think that old friendships are both something to celebrate and to cherish and deserve what efforts we are able to make. However pleasant more recent friends are , there is no one who knows your history and your past family ties etc. I cherish my own precious friendships especially one with someone I have now known for 78 years as we met at the age of two. We have been there through thick and thin for all our lives and are grateful for each others support and more importantly I feel, is that she remembers my granny, I remember her dad. They were the most important people in our lives and there is no one else alive who remembers them in that way which for some reason I find comforting and cheering. Can you look back at times spent with her where you did have good times together and even if you have to split up with her , at least have those good memories to hold on to.

Hi Butterbean,
It’s interesting isn’t it how friendships evolve and develop.

I just wonder if your friend has some hearing loss? I know some people who have masked their difficulty in hearing, especially in situations with more than one person, by taking over the talking role.
As Madelaine says long term friends are hard to replace. Maybe you could take along a photo of you all doing something together to give a focus for the chat?

I have a similar friend who talks over us and interrupts people. She admits to slight hearing loss, however I feel it's much more than slight. She has been a good friend over the years and we only meet 3 or 4 times a year, therefore I accept her as she is. Goodness knows, I have my own foibles which are accepted by friends. I would continue to meet up with her.

It’s easy to suggest dementia, but it actually could be a whole host of reasons for her behaviour change. One of which might be adjusting to retirement itself - it’s a big leap from being in the company of a lot of people at work to suddenly find your circle of contacts has fallen dramatically, so that when she does meet up, she’s perhaps trying to make up for a degree of loneliness, but isn’t realising that her approach is irritating.
She could, of course, be unwell, or unhappy or a combination.
I think you should send her a birthday card, but if you really feel the quarterly meet-ups with her are too much, make your excuse and be busy with something else.

I think the "alert her family" idea us a good one.

If you know she is struggling health-wise would that make it easier to meet up?

The very sad thing is -as your friend dominates conversations more and more people will drop her and the more desperate she'll become more desperate to unburden herself.

We have a few church ladies like this .
You can't really converse with them -they just talk at you as if you aren't there.
I'll experience on Saturday at our social.
One lady will be there dominating everything.
She is really annoying if we are rushing to arrange flowers without enough volunteers and time restrictions.

I have a long term friend and since the Autumn I've begun to dread encounters with her .
She's often rude and dismissive .
We were great friends for such a long time.
I've puzzled over the enormous change in her and I wonder if Covid caused it .
She's lost job after job -sacked for poor input and time keeping -but refusing to accept that she has a problem.
Some jobs are lasting a week.
She walked out on the last one.
I never know if I'm coming or going with her.
At times I don't even know if she's in the country as she gets cheap deals and goes away a lot.
She made a new friend about three years ago and she talks about her and her family all the time in incredible detail.
You can't get a word in edgeways.
She even gets annoyed if you interrupt her monologue.
Her brother has complained to me about her tempers.
Her long term best friend is infuriated by her timing and has stopped going on holiday with her and an old colleague consistently asks me about her. She's plainly noticed that something is wrong .
If she sends me a text it doesn't make sense.
If I ask her something directly-ie : shall I collect your meds .I don't get an answer .
If we arrange to go out she's well over an hour late .We often make massive detours on the way.Then gets stressed if a particular food has run out in the cafe and makes a complaint.
She walks off leaving you mid sentence.

She wants me to go out over Easter and I actually don't want to go as the last three occasions have been totally unenjoyable.

I wonder about dementia .
I have absolutely no idea what's wrong.
Something certainly is .

I unfriended someone a few years ago, there were various reasons. She never thought I was worth turning up on time for but on the very rare times I was unavoidably late she would just wander off and send me a text saying where she'd be heading for.
The main thing was she frequently belittled me yet would explain to me how lucky I was to have her and live in her reflected glory.
There is usually collateral damage when you do something like that and I had to accept that. I have it on good authority that she has bad-mouthed me since but I just don't care anymore it was the right thing to do for me.

madeleine45

It is a difficult situation for you ,but at the same time I feel that friendship means taking the rough with the smooth at times. If you think back to how she used to behave, do you think that this new behaviour is to do with her now living a life alone and perhaps letting habits of listening to the news too often means that she is getting upset about things and no chance to talk it over with anyone. Another possibility is if you look at her pattern of behaviour do you thing that she might possibly be ill? A big change in behaviour could possibly be to do with dementia or a tumour for instance. I hope that isnt the case, but if you could talk to your other friend and between you you might consider these changes.

Then the difficulty thing is to find a time when you can both be very calm and hopefully she is in a receptive mood and suggest that she might need to check with her doctor, as you have both noticed these changes. I think that at the least , this is a kindness and care you can offer her. It may be that she hasnt realized how much she has changed if it is happening slowly but you see it more only meeting occasionally.

You may be glad if this means that there is some medical problem and you have alerted her to this. Even if she gets annoyed and flounces off , you have done your best as a friend to help her. If however she denies it all and continues in the same way then sadly it may be time to stop meeting or seeing her, but I do think that old friendships are both something to celebrate and to cherish and deserve what efforts we are able to make. However pleasant more recent friends are , there is no one who knows your history and your past family ties etc. I cherish my own precious friendships especially one with someone I have now known for 78 years as we met at the age of two. We have been there through thick and thin for all our lives and are grateful for each others support and more importantly I feel, is that she remembers my granny, I remember her dad. They were the most important people in our lives and there is no one else alive who remembers them in that way which for some reason I find comforting and cheering. Can you look back at times spent with her where you did have good times together and even if you have to split up with her , at least have those good memories to hold on to.

I agree with you Madeleine. Health problems seem to be the reason for these changes in your friend. We can't give up on old friends because of these issues, seems rather heartless to dismiss someone out of hand...

Hello Esmay
Just reading your post is uncanny. My friend talks and talks about neighbours she has fallen out with, the ladies she worked with don't contact her any more, the chap round the corner having bricks delivered, all sorts of things but also on repeat. When the next lunch date comes around, it's the same story. Just offloading. When someone else tries to change the subject she stars rummaging in her handbag. No interest whatsoever. Yes, I'm sure now there is something wrong but, like you, don't know what.