Supporting adult children financially

*Whiff
My children worked paid for their own weddings and brought their houses with no help from me . And that's how it should be .

The phrase I hate is the bank of mom and dad. The old values of going without to be able to afford what you want should still be instilled into the young .*

I remember that!!! I was new to Gransnet, inadvertently used the phrase ‘the bank of mum and dad’ and had my head virtually bitten off by a group of Gransnetters.

OP, if your DD and SIL are on benefits or low income, they will be able to claim some help on their council’s website on 1st of April.

If they do not fall under either category, not sure what they can do? Can they put money aside bit by bit for the winter, so your DH does not have to use too much of his own money to help them?

In our case, my daughter had to quit her work due to stress and health reasons. Her partner was then told that he may be at risk of redundancy.

Thankfully, she has been offered a new job recently and told me that even if her partner were to be made redundant, she will be able to pay all their outgoings without any assistance from us , ie lender of the last resort.

She thinks the corporate world is so insecure nowadays with so many redundancies especially with AI, so she will be trying to lay down the groundwork for a business whilst she working full time with the help of AI. Some of her friends are also looking at ways for alternative income streams.

Shame we cannot replace Rachel Reeves with AI. I am sure AI can make better economic decisions than Rachel Reeves.

My parents paid the small amount they were assessed to pay towards my uni grant then it was down to me to make my own living.

I did not ask my parents for financial help; my adult children have never asked us.
They expect to stand on their own feet. It is part of being adults.
Your OH was out of order to offer this without consulting you.
You are already paying nursery bills which is over and above what should be expected of you.

eazybee

Parents seem far more indulgent towards their adult offspring now than they were in the sixties and seventies,perhaps because there was less money about and people saved more. My parents supported me at College; when I was working before marriage I paid housekeeping to my mother; they paid for my wedding and gave us a good wedding present. After that we were on our own and would not have asked for financial help because one simply did not do that.

Totally agree.

One other thing that might be worth considering. Fairness. If you give to one child it is only fair to give equally to the other(s). It’s tricky if one earns a lot more than the other, as in our case, but we still give equally if there is a need for help by the one earning less.

You have to be on benefits to get it

WithNobsOnIt

Just say no. You are not in a financial position to help her out.

You don't say if she has a husband. Is so cat his family help out?

What about her brother. Can't she ask him?

As OP mentions her SIL, presumably she does.

eazybee

Parents seem far more indulgent towards their adult offspring now than they were in the sixties and seventies,perhaps because there was less money about and people saved more. My parents supported me at College; when I was working before marriage I paid housekeeping to my mother; they paid for my wedding and gave us a good wedding present. After that we were on our own and would not have asked for financial help because one simply did not do that.

Exactly. That is my memory and how my parents acted.

I do wonder whether this is really a continuation of the tend for parents not to cut the apron strings tying them to their children. So many on GN are still intimately entangled in their children's lives after they set up home with partners and have children. So much childcare demanded and given.

They seem to know so much about the details of their children's relationships. I think this intimate involvement in their children's lives means that they will also jump in every time their children have a minor financial problem.

Unless you are very fortunate, most of us have passages in our early marriage years and when we have children when money is tight. We had them, but the last people I would have asked for help would have been my parents. Not but they would have helped, I know they had similar problems.

I think (jokingly) grand parents should be banned from regular child minding and all AC should live at least 25 miles from their parents, that way apron strings would need to be untied and AC could grow-up and become independent.

eazybee

Parents seem far more indulgent towards their adult offspring now than they were in the sixties and seventies,perhaps because there was less money about and people saved more. My parents supported me at College; when I was working before marriage I paid housekeeping to my mother; they paid for my wedding and gave us a good wedding present. After that we were on our own and would not have asked for financial help because one simply did not do that.

That's just how I remember it too.

My parents helped me when I was newly married with small children. My In-Laws didn't. Well if they did they expected to be paid back quite quickly. I was an only child he wasnt. They did give us a considerable amount of money about 30 years later when they sold their mobile home. Luckily my Father-in-Law managed to live for 7 years so we weren't asked for inheritance tax. It paid off our mortgage. I have given or loaned two of my three daughters money. One for a business and one for a mortgage she was short for. My third daughter knows that the same amount is available for something important. I'd rather they got the benefit whilst they need it rather than have to wait til I'm gone. They will get the house thrn anyway.

Parents seem far more indulgent towards their adult offspring now than they were in the sixties and seventies,perhaps because there was less money about and people saved more. My parents supported me at College; when I was working before marriage I paid housekeeping to my mother; they paid for my wedding and gave us a good wedding present. After that we were on our own and would not have asked for financial help because one simply did not do that.

Just say no. You are not in a financial position to help her out.

You don't say if she has a husband. Is so cat his family help out?

What about her brother. Can't she ask him?

Chocolatelovinggran

A note on inheritance tax: the oft quoted million pounds relates only to couples.
A single, or a divorced person's threshold is half of that.
I am not complaining about my eligibility for this, simply pointing out that many of us, with modest homes in the South East, may fall into this group and not be millionaires.

Precisely.

The £1million for couples is also inclusive of a home.

Homes not in the South East may be very mostly priced.

Their are many factors not 'fair' to everyone.

My parents weren’t well off but my DM used to buy all 3 of our children a winter coat and shoes every year. It was much appreciated but after she died my DF didn’t carry on with it, and I often wondered if she had told him she was doing it..
Our children have never asked for financial help but we have helped all of them with money for a house deposit. I am aware that we are all incredibly privileged being able to use the bank of mum and dad, but they are all hard working and I would rather they had the money now when they need it than wait for us to die. My DS and DIL who have to live in London because of their jobs would never have been able to buy their modest south London 3 bed terrace house for them and their 2 children without our help, and I have no regrets that they are no longer living in a cramped flat paying a fortune in rent.

A note on inheritance tax: the oft quoted million pounds relates only to couples.
A single, or a divorced person's threshold is half of that.
I am not complaining about my eligibility for this, simply pointing out that many of us, with modest homes in the South East, may fall into this group and not be millionaires.

Back in the late sixties we were struggling financially as all our friends were. But once or twice a month I would get a letter addressed to me from my mum in law )who actually didn’t like me at all!) and she sent me a fiver or a tenner for whatever I might need it for. I never expected it but was always so grateful to her for that kind gesture. I am still grateful. Many years ago I popped £20 note into our daughter’s paper driving licence without saying anything. Two years later she found it and was so excited as it bought her groceries that week. It’s the simple things not the big gestures that mean a lot. But having said that I’m pretty sure mum in law didn’t tell fil and I don’t remember telling my dh about the £20 so maybe it’s a thing some of us do/did.

I find this thread incredible. The cost of heating oil at the moment is just about triple what it was before the start of the Iran war. We paid £280 for 500 litres in the winter and the same amount has now risen to £800 or more. This is for heating and hot water and because we live in a rural area, there is no other form of central heating available. This is a massive extra bill for anyone including us and actually my daughter has offered to pay ours for the next year for which I am really grateful. Everything else has shot up in price including food bills. Has no one on this thread noticed that? I feel sorry for people of all ages that are trying to cope financially at the moment as it just gets worse and worse. I thought families were supposed to help each other out in times of crisis but it appears the general feeling on here is that I thought wrong.

My husband always relates the story of when he wanted to buy his first car. It was an old one and he needed to borrow about £250. His Dad who was very well off at the time and flying high refused and told him to get a loan from the Bank. He did just that and has never forgotten.

Will a bit of cold really be hardship for your DD. Yes, will probably need oil for hot water unless they use electric already. They seem to be out at work with all the child and nursery care that you provide. Think I'd be telling them to toughen up a bit and stick it out until the better weather.

We have three sons, they are all treated equally no matter their situation.

TheSunRisesInTheEast

It was just being discussed on the radio. The price of oil has tripled, but the government pay out of £100 is only for those on benefits, whereas everyone that needs heating oil will be feeling the pinch.

It's not only for those on benefits. Last night on the Martin Lewis show, Ed Miliband said it was being paid out by councils and anyone can apply. He also made no mention of how much individuals will receive.

Jess20

There are tax implications for financial gifts beyond a set limit if these are made from capital/savings and not out of surplus income on a regular basis. Worth checking up on this as it could come back to bite you on the bum at a later date 🙄

Regular scheduled gifts based on surplus income, keeping records, is a safe approach for giving. Additionally there is an annual limit.

There are tax implications for financial gifts beyond a set limit if these are made from capital/savings and not out of surplus income on a regular basis. Worth checking up on this as it could come back to bite you on the bum at a later date 🙄

Daddima

J52

Daddima

J52

You should not feel guilty at all. Helping adult children is all very well, if you can afford to do it and if over time it reduces the inheritance tax bill.
Otherwise, do not put yourself in a difficult position, it sounds like you give a lot of support already.

I’m not really familiar with the ins and outs of inheritance tax, but I’m guessing that a working couple who are ‘struggling’ may not have to worry too much about inheritance tax.
To me, it sounds as if Summerskies does more than enough to help, and should not feel obliged to do anything at all.

You might have misunderstood me. I was merely pointing out that older parents who can financially help their adult children might want to, in order that the money that their children eventually inherit would liable to less tax.
In no way was I suggesting that this particular young couple would be paying tax on gifted money.
As an aside it might be worth all parents finding out about inheritance tax.

I think maybe I didn’t make clear what I meant! I wasn’t suggesting that the young couple pay tax, what I meant was that Summerskies said that she and her husband were working and struggling, so I doubted that they had enough money for inheritance tax to be a concern when the time came. Like Allira, I do wonder how many older couples are sufficiently well off to be liable for inheritance tax.

That's it exactly, Daddima

Apparently the estate of only about 5% of couples in the UK would be liable for inheritance tax.

I do find that quite surprising, though, with house prices in the South-east being so high, many older people in that area might have assets worth £1million if the family home was included.

As a young, single woman living on a very small income, I did ask my parents for help paying heating bills. I did not like having to do so, and felt that having accepted their help, I could not well refuse to run errands for them, or spend part of my summer holiday visiting them, and doing the tasks that as they aged were hard for them to manage.

This taught me that it is not really a good idea to help adult children financially, so my help to mine has tended to be of the more practical kind. Things like sourcing cheaper supplies of this or that, looking into social help, if applicable, or helping them to find some way out of the problem.

As, OP , you can no longer afford to help as you are struggling to manage yourselves, you do not need to feel mean or ashamed if you tell your children honestly what your situation is, and that you cannot help them.

How you tackle the discussion, or argument, about this with your husband is another difficult point. Here, I do not feel I can or should advise you, except to state the obvious, that is that that particular conversation must happen when none of your children are present.