Supporting adult children financially

www.gov.uk/government/news/over-50-million-to-help-families-struggling-with-soaring-heating-oil-costs

From 1st April via local authorities.

You’re not mean, your DH should have discussed this with you first before offering.

Your DD will have to make her own arrangements and plan accordingly.

It’s tough for many of us, don’t be guilty for being honest

You should not feel guilty at all. Helping adult children is all very well, if you can afford to do it and if over time it reduces the inheritance tax bill.
Otherwise, do not put yourself in a difficult position, it sounds like you give a lot of support already.

Your DH is not looking at the bigger picture here, as you both get older you will need any money you have saved for your own well-being, I mean the NHS is bad enough today but who knows how bad it will be ten years from now?? There could be the need to go privately occasionally. And as you get even older you might have to pay for day to day care. Not nice to think about but then just before we retired I never thought that my DH would have a massive stroke in his mid seventies and I would be caring for him full time. When you retire you want to be able to pay for whatever you enjoy doing because life is too short.
We have helped our own family members financially but have had to stop doing that now, and they understand that perfectly.
So don’t feel bad about saying you can’t help your DD with this, being honest is the best policy and won’t lead to any misunderstandings later if they ask for any more help.
All the best.

It was just being discussed on the radio. The price of oil has tripled, but the government pay out of £100 is only for those on benefits, whereas everyone that needs heating oil will be feeling the pinch.

Cossy

You’re not mean, your DH should have discussed this with you first before offering.

Your DD will have to make her own arrangements and plan accordingly.

It’s tough for many of us, don’t be guilty for being honest

Exactly, and retiring with no private pension must be a worry.

Your DH should have deferred to you. What he did was unfair and pre-emptive. I hope if the benefits are enough that your DD will pay you back, or knows at least that you expect her to.

I agree with J52
Give your children as much as you can afford, without depriving yourself. This will lessen the IHT and your children may not have to pay anything at all, depending on your assets.

Oil has always fluctuated. I looked today and I think it is lower than in 2010 when we had that horrible cold winter. Though I may be wrong. You can have payment plans with local oil companies or companies such as boiler juice where you pay monthly in advance. Hasn't she been doing this?

I agree with others who say your DH should have discussed it with you and not in front of your DD who may well feel embarrassed about it.
You must have saved her thousands over the years, the cost of pre-school child care being what it is and tough as it may be, as adults, they have to stand on their own two feet and budget like everyone else.
I don't want to add to your problems but please save whatever you can for your retirement. I do not have a private pension and coping on the State pension is tricky and tiring to say the least. Don't be too hasty to pay out as you may regret it later on when you are counting the pennies.

Summerskies,
Cossy is correct - announcing help without discussion,
fallout was bound to happen - your DH and DD should
realise this.

“Your mother and I have discussed this and would like to offer you £100 towards your oil bill just this once” at least allows your DD the option of a refusal.

You are already unpaid labour and paying nursery fees!

This has resurrected a memory of being a young couple in a cold rented cottage in countryside, toddler and new baby, winter of ‘78.

Our heating a Baxi Burnall, which is a bucket set into the fireplace, the ground essentially, which we had to be restrained with the use of as this needed to be cold in the morning at 6am for my husband to lift out take out and empty into a metal dustbin, hot ashes still.

We were all electric, had oil fired electric plug in radiators,
an immersion heater for the small water cylinder, an electric heated towel rail in the bathroom.

To conserve hot water as the tank was small and easily depleted, we had a dishwasher I bought on ‘deferred terms’ over two years from JL and in the days of (two lots of) terry nappies, an essential washing machine of course.

We had heavy door curtains and an electric blanket,
dressed in layers, made soup, kept up calories.
I didn’t leave the house during 2 weeks in December in biting wind and snow, a difficult time.

In February, we had an enormous electricity bill, huge, sickening, frightening really.
We separately mentioned this to both sets of parents neither
of which offered to help, despite being comfortably off and
no other grandchildren, in thickly carpeted overheated houses, miles away.
I sold a small antique desk
and my husband thinned out his extensive record collection
in order to pay.
This was our only utilities bill as rates and water rates were included in the rent which was reasonable.

We paid monthly after this, in those days a budget account
was calculated over a twelve month period which reduced payments considerably.
Neither did we experience a similarly cold winter again and baby flourished.

How grateful we would have been for financial no strings help during that vicious winter with a battle to keep baby warm, a fraught and anxious time.

The chimney breast in the large middle bedroom, attached to next door took the chill off the room and where we all slept, the outer, corner master bedroom abandoned, like an inhospitable north wing.

Installing heating at that time was never an option for us.

Our respective parents relieving us of a financial burden was
an option they chose to ignore.

It wasn’t as though my husband had bought a motorbike or we had holidayed in the Seychelles, this was a necessity, warmth.

Now I look back at how hardy we were although now I am
remembering my dainty antique desk.

SORES, the fact that you remember those days so vividly, the hardship you suffered with a little baby during a cold winter, the sacrifices you had to make, all while your parents were comfortably off, knowing your predicament, makes me feel proud and content that I help my son, daughter-in-law and their two little girls as much as I can, hopefully they will never have a memory of asking for help and not getting it.

It's not character building as some may say, it's causing your loved ones unnecessary stress and suffering.

SORES an interesting memory. My parents stood by and watched as I suffered. It's incomprehensible really.

And the inlaws had the children for 48 hours and put them in a holiday club with complete strangers.

Ah well., we survived.

💐💐

J52

You should not feel guilty at all. Helping adult children is all very well, if you can afford to do it and if over time it reduces the inheritance tax bill.
Otherwise, do not put yourself in a difficult position, it sounds like you give a lot of support already.

I’m not really familiar with the ins and outs of inheritance tax, but I’m guessing that a working couple who are ‘struggling’ may not have to worry too much about inheritance tax.
To me, it sounds as if Summerskies does more than enough to help, and should not feel obliged to do anything at all.

TheSunRisesInTheEast

SORES, the fact that you remember those days so vividly, the hardship you suffered with a little baby during a cold winter, the sacrifices you had to make, all while your parents were comfortably off, knowing your predicament, makes me feel proud and content that I help my son, daughter-in-law and their two little girls as much as I can, hopefully they will never have a memory of asking for help and not getting it.

It's not character building as some may say, it's causing your loved ones unnecessary stress and suffering.

thank you for this supportive reply - no of course it isn’t character building, you are right, what a dismissive cop out
that expression is

Proud and content you should be, what my daughter terms
the ‘perpetual Mum,’ we cannot help it and why should we,
whilst we are appreciated and loved this is its own reward.

I remember when I struggled while getting divorced with a baby and young son. I was too proud to ask for help I would never advise anyone to put pride first.
My DS and DD both have children they and their partners work they would never ask us for help.
I offer any help in any way possible and will continue to do so. I mostly help with food shopping and the childrens clothing its always appreciated.
National Trust theme parks and zoos etc the yearly membership. It all helps so they have family days out. I would give even more financial help if I could.
I would be upset if my DS or DD did struggle and kept it to themselves, as I stupidly did.

sixandahalf

SORES an interesting memory. My parents stood by and watched as I suffered. It's incomprehensible really.

And the inlaws had the children for 48 hours and put them in a holiday club with complete strangers.

Ah well., we survived.

ting’

you have fired up another… where we lived was countrified,
no facilities but a village school and village hall.
I could take a bus into the town then another short bus ride
to where there was a lovely Nursery School.
There were 16 months between my children.
The fees were high but not prohibitive.
I spoke to my Dad, 250 miles away, asked would he like to pay for his grandchildren to attend nursery? he said he would speak to Mum and call me back.
My parents were comfortably off and had been left property jewellery, hard cash by older family.
Mum called back, voice from the Arctic, said, we will pay for one to go to nursery one morning but not the other.
I asked her to decide which one/choose. She slammed the phone down (get out clause) and it was never mentioned again.

I found the money for them both to attend two mornings
only as they were the only available places.
Waiting for buses with two weary little ones I hoped it was worth it for them.

My children have no knowledge or memory of any of this
of course.

My husband never asked his parents for financial help and neither did I. His parents could easily have afforded to as they were very well off but he knew they wouldn’t.

My parents lived on a very tight budget so I just would not have asked them. Mum made clothes and knitted toys for the kids and Dad always gave us big boxes of homegrown salad and veg. He also did a lot of decorating for us which we appreciated.

When my 3 were small, we were very poor in deed! neither my mother (comfortably off) nor my in laws (wealthy) helped at all, either with money,or baby sitting. A few times I asked for help, with things like a school trip or an unexpected bill/ broken washing machine etc and was treated to a lecture; my mother would help, but only after a tongue lashing, and the in laws not at all. I rarely asked, probably less than 5 times through out their childhood! In contrast (and because I struggled without the help) I have nearly bankrupted myself helping mine! I would hate for my grandchildren to grow up with the anxiety my children had (despite my best efforts to shield them) and for my own daughters to suffer the daily stress that ruined my parenting experience.

Daddima

J52

You should not feel guilty at all. Helping adult children is all very well, if you can afford to do it and if over time it reduces the inheritance tax bill.
Otherwise, do not put yourself in a difficult position, it sounds like you give a lot of support already.

I’m not really familiar with the ins and outs of inheritance tax, but I’m guessing that a working couple who are ‘struggling’ may not have to worry too much about inheritance tax.
To me, it sounds as if Summerskies does more than enough to help, and should not feel obliged to do anything at all.

You might have misunderstood me. I was merely pointing out that older parents who can financially help their adult children might want to, in order that the money that their children eventually inherit would liable to less tax.
In no way was I suggesting that this particular young couple would be paying tax on gifted money.
As an aside it might be worth all parents finding out about inheritance tax.

Whole house central heating was an expensive luxury when it was first introduced to modest urban homes. It still is, and people will have to adjust their mindsets accordingly because fuel deprivation as a weapon of war, is going to reach the West.

In my childhood (north of England; cold) nobody we knew had central heating. In winter we wore more clothes, wore them much longer, and washed less often. My unheated bedroom was (literally) freezing. When I took off my clothes at night, I put them under the eiderdown so they wouldn't be stiff and frosty in the morning.

The electric immersion heater that heated our water wasnt turned on every day. It was fired up on Mondays for laundry; and on the weekly Bathnight.

We shared the same bathwater in turn.

All that was long before double glazing and loft insulation, so houses were far colder anyway.

SORES parents didn't help in the past because there was no culture of doing so. Once you married, your parents stepped back, you were a new household and sank or swam on your own responsibility. Where that was the culture, it would not occur to better off parents, anymore than any others to offer to help you.

It would never have occurred to DH or I to ask for any financial help from our parents, although both might have been able to do so.

The past is a foreign country…they do things differently there…