Happy with your lot?

Again, thank you all!
Maybe I'm guilty of thinking everyone is having more fun than i am. Looking at fb posts etc where i know everyone puts the "good stuff"
The grandchildren situation is what it is for now, pick up from school 4 days and have the younger one for 2 of those. In fact i prob do have more fun on those 2 days! We go to groups where i chat with the other Mums and Grans etc
I think the last couple of years have been difficult for my Husband and he's struggling. The building work really hit him hard, then he got an injuy meaning that he's restricted in mobility. He's always done work on the house and really everything should be done now, but he's not physically capable and refuses to pay trader after the awful experience with the build. This plus him now being unable to carry on with his hobby that he's had from being s very young man has affected him, his masculinity really.
I know i need to be proactive and find something, maybe the warmer months will help xx

So sorry you are feeling that life is no longer enjoyable. You are obviously very tired and doing too much which can make you feel down.
You have to look after yourself before you can look after others. Try to cut down on your commitments. Some good ideas from other posters about that.
We all need some enjoyment in our lives. Think back to what you used to like doing and see if you can do that again. Simple things like chatting to friends and family on the phone can make the day brighter.
I hope you can get help and feel better soon 💐

Does your husband realise how you are feeling?

Is there a way of putting more help in for your parents and/or grandchildren to allow you to look around for things for you?

Is the building fiasco resolved?
If not, can anyone help you with it?

Whiff. Yours is an incredible and touching story. Thank you for sharing it. You are a tough lady.

So you have elderly parents pulling on one side, your children pulling on the other with grandchildren, ill health, your moany husband, and your own ageing process pulling in the middle. But, and this is a very big But, where are you in all this? And the years will pass and all angles will continue to make demands on you not realising that you too need support, help, respect, space, healing etc. I would sit down and make a big list of what I can and can't do, what I am willing and not willing to do and put those boundaries in place. Respond to your moany husband and disagree, speak to your children about your health, only do for the parents what really needs doing. I think a lot of people feel responsible for offering 'frills and fancies' when what is really needed is a basic operating system. i.e. getting your parents to pay for help, having boundaries when caring for grandchildren. Try to get off the anti depressants, go and see your GP, pay for an accredited counsellor to discuss your way forward etc and ask yourself 'Are you totally responsible for keeping those around you happy?' Or, can the other adults actually take that role on themselves. You too are entitled to your own happiness BUT you must claim your space back.

Narnia I do understand where you are coming from . From 11 I have been a carer . When my nan was ill 2 aunts looked after during the week and I used to be taken on a Friday by my dad and fetched on a Sunday . Nan's loo was outside . I loved my nan very much and it didn't seem strange shopping and cooking for my nan. I.was the oldest grandchild and only girl for 19 years.

I was born disabled but never treated as different in my large extended family knew all my great aunts ,uncles 2nd &3rd cousins . My younger uncle was born with Downs but he went to special school then to a workshop which made things to sell for the charity. When I was 8 and my brother 7 we took our 16 year old uncle down to long streets and round a corner to a shop to buy his sweets and comic out of what he called his wages . The charity gave them a couple of shillings .

Looking after others is what we did in our family . So never thought it was strange . My parents took me to the drs and children's hospital a lot but told it was growing pains and I was clumsy.

Grew up on new housing estate and all us kids went to the infant and junior school. No one treat me as different. Soon found out I was when I went to high school and bullied for 5 years.

Life goes on and meet a man when I was 16 he was 18 explained all my problems my constant pain ,falling etc. We where together 29 years and married 22 when he died from cancer aged 47. My health has gotten worse when I was 29 our children 4 years and 6 months but nothing ever phased my husband he just said we alter our way of life to suit you and I went in a wheelchair so we could go out as a family. I was always a hands on mom only thing I couldn't do was go out by myself . I had used a stick since I was 29 and when the children where older used the wheelchair less and I was used to how I walked . Then stopped using it.

The children where 20&16 when their dad died. I saw my husband dieing everyday for 3 years and when he became terminal we had to tell people . When he had the cancer removed and skin graft in January 2001 only the 4 of us one he wouldn't live 5 years. My husband in his words wanted to be treated as a dead man walking . We lived with sword of Damocles hanging over us. When he was terminal and anyone treated him as different he cut them out of our lives.

After he died had both parents and mother in law to look after . The children left home 2 years after he died it's what I wanted . Our daughter back to where she got her degree and got a good job not just temping after her degree when she came home to help her brother get through A levels . He went to uni. Told them both they had to live their lives .

When my husband died half of me died to. And haven't been whole since . Our home was just a house and I didn't have a life I existed . I Dad died in 2007 age 80 ,mother in law 2015 age 91 and my mom lived with me last 18 months of her life she had cancer and dementia.
My mom died 4 months before her body did . She died in 2017 aged 90.

Few weeks after her funeral I became very ill just thought life had caught up with me and my body was telling me to rest. In the end had to call the GP in and I had jaundice I couldn't see I was yellow top to toe. Seriously ill for 5 months. First time I needed someone 24/7 and their was no one . Until then I had never been frightened living on my own . Jaundice does terrible things to your body ,plus going through cold turkey as 2 high dose tablets I had been taking since 1992 to help with my symptoms had been just stopped as they caused the jaundice and had a virus 99% of adults have but get no symptoms but I did.

But that was my wake up call my life had to change. Especially as my gastrologist told me people with my bilirubin levels normally died but I had no lasting liver damage .I never regret all I did and did it on my own looking after others. I only wanted 3 things move house , lose weight and get fit.

I moved when I was 61 to live closer to the children a move of over 100 miles . Did my own packing . Took me 5 years from 2017 to lose 7 st . And 2018 started going to a Age UK community fit club. Where the instructor gave me a chair for stand up exercises to hold on to and sat down for arm ones.

This is a ramble I know but you need to understand what I did .

Moving gave me back my life . I didn't realise I had lost me and I had a home again in my bungalow. I live my life to the full . I have better healthcare aged 62 found out why I had heart problems but my old GP never sent me to see a cardiologist but my new ones did and born with hole in the side of my heart one of my flaps didn't close before birth. I have PAF and slight furring in my right artery but on medication for my heart which I should have been on for decades .

My old neurologist didn't care. But moving my GP sent me to my neurologist and aged 63 finally found out what my disability was thanks to my neurologist having my whole genome genetically tested and it's rare and hereditary . And on medication to help . Having both diagnosis's my life made sense . Joined a Facebook group for my neurological condition and learn such a lot and taught my neurologist as he had to research what it was . Just thought I was weird for 63 years turns out I am normal for HPX as it's shorted to .

My husband was a wiseman and knew what I needed to live without him it was a series of promises which I have kept for 22 years. But until I moved I couldn't keep the most important one and that's to live the best life I can .

Had my first holiday for 19 years in 2024. Went away twice . Primier inn have accessible rooms for walking and wheelchair disabled and they are brilliant. Last year went on holiday on twice . I also visited my brother and sister in law since 2019 when I moved here . But I don't count that as a holiday.

I am having 3 holidays this year plus visiting my brother and sister in law. I go by myself and travel by train with travel assistance. I got to sit fit and move it or lose it classes weekly ,plus do 7 exercises at home and 500 rotations on my static pedals daily to keep my mobility. Member of craft group and also cuppa and chat group . Go to social occasions with the main group . Meet couple of GN friends once a month for lunch . Thanks to my HPX telling me about him fidelity ear plugs last year when to 2 classical concerts in the city . This year booked 9 already been to 4 . 2 on my own and a friend went with my to 2 have converted her to classical music .
I found me again and love my life . Have more friends than ever and do what I want when I want. Love living on my own . My grief for my husband is with me everyday day and gets worse as the years go by . But I am lucky I found the other half of me and I was his other half. He was the only person who knew the real me and I him .

Life has not been plain sailing since my move but health problems sorted . My son estranged me in 2020 but that's his choice. But he is a stranger to me and I am no longer the mom he knew . Have 3 grandson's with him and my daughter in law. O my knee the 2 eldest they where 4&2 last time I saw them don't know what they're brother is called or dare if birth.

But have a wonderful daughter,son in law and 2 grandsons who I sed usually every 2 weeks . My daughter laughs I and my grandsons have better social life than she does. She says she can't kept up with when I am doing what and when.

Narnia I didn't realise looking after others did to my physical and mental health. But I would do it all again we are who we are .. I could have abandoned my parents and mother in law and moved after my husband died but that's not who I am . But I had no life of my own on call 24/7.

But now I live my life to the full and people here are so different from where I used to live and much to my surprise people like me for me . But it took not having anyone dependant on my 24/7 to have a life .

Yes I have and do look after my grandsons if needed but my daughter always checks if I am free. The boys are 8&5 now . And took the youngest to cuppa and chat as his brother was at tennis club .

My daughter always text to see if it's ok to come over and always asks me in advance if I would like to go to things with them if I am free .

You say you are limited to exercise but have you Google sit fit class for over 60's some in my class are in there late 50' to late 80's. My move it or lose it class which are all over the country oldest member is 97. We all have health problems and mobility issues but we do what we can it's not just exercise but a social occasion.

I took up cross stitch in 2016 as I needed something to relax me other than reading . It's a slow craft but very relaxing. Had to stop knitting when the children where young as I can't co ordination both hands together . Tried crochet and embroidery but not for me .

Sit down and think of all the things you would like to do. You will find things and have a go . Local at what classes are available in your area. Lot of churches have things on . I am an atheist and funny enough my exercise and craft group are held in a church they leaders just hire a room .
Age UK will have list of classes plus there are classes for colleges have day time classes to try . My exercises classes cost £5 but you only paid when you go . Other groups are free. But I do love baking so when it's craft group I make 2 cakes one gluten free.

I have never taken antidepressants so don't know if they make you feel worse or better.

Only you can change your life it doesn't have to be a big thing . But try something you haven't before. My dad always said no such word as can't if I said can not he gave me a look. It's not easy changing but you can do it you just have to want to .

I know this is a long ramble and you have probably won't read it all but I have written it to show what my life was like and what it is now . You have your husband can you do something together you haven't done before or go somewhere new .

I don't live my life after my husband died with what if's or if onlies and always find a positive from a negative even if it's something silly. I knew my life had to change and so glad I did it . I am me again, doing things and going to places I never thought I could . Wednesday night going to see if I am good enough to join a contemporary choir . Told the leader if I sound like a fog horn he must tell me . I don't take offence . Last year my speech was stuttery ,slurry and couldn't get words out but found singing helped me . Have been on the waiting list for speech therapy for a year . My speech is back due to increase in my tablet to help with my HPX but not going to cancel the speech therapy as I need to know what I could have done better to get it back. I lost control of my speech and arms for 14 months the tablet increase has given control over both .

No idea if this helps . But I write as I talk hence the ramble. 🤦🤦🤦🤣

You are doing a lot, sandwiched between grandchildren and elderly parents. I agree with those who say that you need to add a little fun to your life .
If your DH complains about the cost of everything, is there anyone else with whom you could go out to lunch, or even coffee and cake?
Is there any group which might interest you- art/ knit and natter/ book group...?
Good luck adding in some good times .

You’re coping with an awful lot and I get the impression that you expect a lot of yourself. Maybe try treating the days when you’re not caring for parents/grandchildren as rest and recovery days and use them to think of ways in which you can make life easier for yourself. They needn’t be big things, sometimes baby steps are easier and more productive.

You said you feel that your other half can take the shine off things. I am guessing it might be his attitude bringing you down. Does he need anti-depressants? Spend some time with happy, silly company and see if that is refreshing.

Talk to your family regarding reducing the hours you help with your grandchildren. Stress and anxiety can make even pleasurable things seem tiring.
You have reached out here you have made a start. Now it's time to seek help so you can get back on track and enjoy life.

It sounds like you are absolutely exhausted. And the blow of the building work not working out for you. thats hard to cope with, a big disappointment.

Maybe your parents need more caring help to "take the weight off"

Maybe you need to limit the childcare you can offer now.

It's hard to work out what might make you feel better when there are so many calls on your time.

You might only find out when your commitments to all those family members is more limited. It's hard to disappoint others.

It is nice to have the support of a counsellor when you are trying to work out, "what do I need to do to make my life better".

I'm sad for you DH is a moaner.
Has he always been this way, or is the pressure hitting him too?
Its hard when you cant "be there for each other"

I agree very much about the gentle exercise, especially if it's calm and mindful, like a chair yoga class. And any practical help which helps with your parents.

You are doing too much. Looking after elderly parents can be exhausting. Do try to get help in that regard.
I agree with your DH about the cost of eating out. It is ridiculous. We have had 3 short breaks in the last year where we stayed on excellent holiday parks self-catering. This was out of season for the parks as children were still at school. The freedom and fresh air was wonderful and the whole thing cost far less than staying in hotels. Even a change of scene for a couple of days works wonders. We are planning to do it again. Truly, a change is as good as a rest.

If you are not enjoying helping out with the grandchildren, given the state of your health, could you do less with them? It must be exhausting.
Another vote for speaking to your GP.

Thank you all 💐
Mobility is very limited, so walking is restricted.
I feel like i should be doing more with my days when i don't have the children, but on those days I'm shattered!
I do like a crime series, so will often watch those. I do read.
We don't particularly have money worries but feel my other half can take the shine off things by moaning about costs etc. As i said we just went away but he moaned about the cost of lunches, evening meals etc it's not something we do regularly as we don't go out at home.

I am sorry you feel like this, narnia, and I wish I could help.

My suggestions are practical - please check that all your parents (and you, of course) are receiving all the benefits to which they are entitled. They might easily qualify for Attendance Allowance which is not means tested. That way you may be able to buy in help to care for them.

AgeUk will offer you advice on all practical things.

Narnia please see your GP .
I too am feeling a bit low, for different reasons. I am older than you, done my share of baby-sitting, still do actually, but family dynamics are getting me down.
My consolation, for us both, is ………..this too shall pass

PS if caring for your parents and Grandchildren is too much, try and chat to your relatives about help.

I’m 67, poor health, bad mobility, but luckily retired.

I cared for both my dear parents, whom I sadly miss.

Things will improve. Please see your GP and see if he can help with your feelings, you may have depression or anxiety or both.

Do make time for yourself, and fresh air and walking is great for clearing your mind.

Join a gym or a club or find a hobby, something you’d really enjoy and maybe something new.

Good luck

Narnia, I just wanted to say, well done for reaching out on here, about how you are feeling - that’s step 1.
I am sure others will come along with fellow-feeling and helpful suggestions.
Have you had any counselling or ‘talking therapy’? It sounds as though you have a lot to deal with on top of your own health problems.
Also, an exercise class appropriate for your health condition, might give you a boost - I’m thinking chair yoga or other gentle or seated exercise.
In the meantime, know that there are many lovely, caring people on here who will want to offer their support.