Oh what to do !

She's probably a bit envious of you and resents getting old! She may feel useless and not needed anymore either by you or your teenagers.
Being a widow is no fun.
Could she do something to help you which would give her satisfaction?

She still drives, has friends and does a few clubs, coffee mornings, lunches out. That sounds like quite a good social life.

It's a shame she isn't content with that. She shouldn't make you feel guilty about lack of family time, life is really busy for juggling work and home life, plus children, it's a shame she doesn't understand that. It must have been the same for her when she was your age. Maybe she is just feeling a bit sorry for herself at the moment. Perhaps you could arrange a summer garden party with all her children and grandchildren present, that would be something for her to look forward to and the memory of it will keep her happy for a long while afterwards.

Brace yourself. This situation is only going to get worse. As she gets older and her life becomes more restricted you will inevitably have to see more of her. It's what happens. I'm not saying this to be mean but to get you to consider how you'll feel when her advancing years rob her of her current physical and social condition.

I agree with Aveline. This is just the start of what could be a very long road. Start as you mean to go on, what you’re doing now doesn’t sound too bad to me, but then I was an only one so did much more than you.
Keep your siblings involved, and maybe draw up a rota between you, encourage the teenagers to visit too, they’ll keep her young.
Wear a suit of armour, keep your sense of humour and carry on. Good luck.

I am a similar age to your mother and have a similar lifestyle. The amount of time you spend with your mother is very reasonable, I think, and I am sorry she appears discontented and critical as it will make you resentful of the time you spend with her. She is realizing and having to face up to the onset of real old age and it is not fun but only she can cope with that; you and your siblings are all supporting her and I hope you are able to continue doing that. As said earlier, hang onto your sense of humour, meet negatives with positives,point out your commitments. and resist being manipulated into a feeling of guilt.
(Oh dear,I sound like Little Mary Sunshine but I think you are doing OK.)

I am sorry to hear this, GibraltarRock. Such people are very draining to be around, especially at a time when you are juggling working and teenagers.
I am sorry to say that I agree with the posters who suggest that she is unlikely to change, so certainly try your best, indeed throw a party for her birthday, but accept that she is unlikely to change, and it is not in your power to affect this.

I’m in my late 70s now and remember running round after my mum in her 80s at your age. The big difference was that I was only working very part time and having had my children quite young they were older teenagers and away at University and getting married themselves. I am sure the work situation makes a huge difference to what you can do. Now my AC work full time their children are older teenagers and adults and they travel a lot. I would keep doing what you are, try to ignore most of the moaning, unfortunately it will get harder I fear

I think the only other thing I would suggest is that you and your siblings try to check in briefly with your Mum every couple of days, by text or phone, as that might make a difference to her mood. Of course if she uses it as a further moaning opportunity that won’t help.
Like your mum, I drive, belong to several groups etc, but that still leaves a lot of hours spent alone. Every contact with family is precious, but I do appreciate how busy their lives are.

When she gets negative try to change the energy by saying, 'Remember when this happened, mum?' Just try to deflect back to happier times.
Share photos, talk about how you used to enjoy doing things together.
Maybe meet her on neutral ground more often- have a coffee somewhere she used to go with your dad?
I know this sounds like hard work but I try this with people close to me who are very negative like this.
These habits creep in with people and they begin to forget who they are and although they can be hard work you don't need to buy into it.
Don't just withdraw because this will cause more resentment, but at the same time you need to keep your own energy stocks high so don't feel bad if you just can't face it sometimes.
You sound like a caring daughter and she sounds like a very lucky woman who has forgotten how to be grateful, and is maybe still grieivng. Some people never make that transition back to who they were, sadly.

Your mother is fortunate but is unable to see that. As others have said, you are being as generous with your time as you can be; at least you know you are doing your best so don’t be bullied into doing more. It’s a shame your mother is such hard work - an object lesson to the rest of us in how not to behave!

When my father died my mother changed and became clingy, demanding and basically, depressed. She was 80. It was very difficult spending time with her. As I live in a different country I would go for long weekends and a week during the summer., etc. More was expected of me because my children were grown up. Basically,she gave up on life.
I used to make sure I had people (my friends) call to see us both when I was visiting, and also took her places to fill up the day and make things more bareable for me!
She got more and more demanding and difficult and ended up in a Home where she was even more unhappy..
All very sad but I can't say I was not relieved when she died.
4 years ago.
My relationship with my siblings is still very fractured.

Cabbie21

I think the only other thing I would suggest is that you and your siblings try to check in briefly with your Mum every couple of days, by text or phone, as that might make a difference to her mood. Of course if she uses it as a further moaning opportunity that won’t help.
Like your mum, I drive, belong to several groups etc, but that still leaves a lot of hours spent alone. Every contact with family is precious, but I do appreciate how busy their lives are.

Good advice, it’s regular contact that matters, even a text every couple of days will help.
We are all getting older and nobody truly knows how they will feel at a certain age.

I agree with cabbie too. It’s a long day when you are on your own so a call from each of you every few days will help her know you care and she will feel less invisible.
We all grow old, if we are lucky, I often think how I would feel if that were me in that situation.

A threeway phone conversation (Whatsapp?) with your siblings might get a joint strategy worked out. You could plan your visits and phone calls so that there are no long gaps without contact with family for her to complain about.

I think we all know how she feels - frustrated at all the things we cannot do, a bit envious of those who can, sad that time has left us in this situation, nostalgic for all the things we once could do, in pain.

The difference is that I keep my gob shut - I ask after the family, ask what I might be able to help them with, help my DGC with their music practice...... all the while feeling like shit. They are not daft, they know I am ill, but I hope they appreciate that I try to stay as upbeat as possible and not be a drain on everyone. But by golly it takes some energy and grit and determination which is sometimes very hard to muster.

Maybe your Mum's approach is more honest.......?

Luckygirl3 🤗💐 x

Thank you for your supportive messages - not much we can change but always helpful to get a different perspective !

My daughter texts me every morning to check we are ok .My son rings me every Saturday for an update. And I sends him a photo if we go out somewhere.
They both have very busy lives.
I can't walk far now, our car has gone, my dog has died.
It's not easy. I feel for this lady. Sometimes I just want someone to moan to!!
But then it could be a lot worse....

I think you resent your mum wanting your time and it is clear you dont really want to make the effort to visit.
If she only has moans,then why not take the time to listen to her moans one at a time and see if you can understand her problems or frustrations.
Perhaps you feel you are being manipulated but you come across as uncaring in your attitude.
Maybe if you told your mum the exact time you are going to phone and then stuck to it, then your mother would know exactly when she will speak to you.
This prevents her wondering and waiting when you are going to call!.
If you set aside certain afternoons per month eg two. Then stuck to those visits with a trip to the cinema for example, then your mum would feel happier possibly and less of a burden.
And finally maybe you shouldnt share too much of your life with your mum if its making her feel old, unwanted and useless.
Possibly she feels she cant get into the grave fast enough for her adult children.
And maybe feels it is expected of her.
Let her know that the samaritans are willing to listen to her worries when she cant find anyone else and also give her the number for the Silver Line if she is seeking further security as to her current value in the world.
While she moans about the financial side of things it is also quite possible that she has tied her assets into a will for her family and refuses to touch it because she wants to leave a meaningful amount.
You could ask your mum about this to be absolutely sure that she hasnt overburdened herself on your behalf.

She’s clearly lonely and misses her husband.

Lots of friends, lunches out and being able to drive doesn’t ease the pain of losing someone with whom you’ve lived for years and years.

Things may get worse, they may not, but don’t feel guilty, and cut your DM a bit of slack.

You’re doing your best, that’s all you can do

loopyloo

My daughter texts me every morning to check we are ok .My son rings me every Saturday for an update. And I sends him a photo if we go out somewhere.
They both have very busy lives.
I can't walk far now, our car has gone, my dog has died.
It's not easy. I feel for this lady. Sometimes I just want someone to moan to!!
But then it could be a lot worse....

I agree

You phone her once a week. You visit almost once a week.
You have your own busy life.
And now she has gotten into the 'habit' of moaning all the time.
Does she ever phone you?
Is she fit to drive to visit you?
Would that help?

@coffeedrinking thinker - my mum was terrible with money and has a lovely flat and money to live on. She is certainly not, not spending what she has and also not consciously ensuring there is some left for us - myself and siblings are all financially very independent and have been for years. We have never had any financial ‘help’ and in fact my husband lent her some money the other year to help her buy a car but there is complete transparency of the finances so that’s not a. right assumption. Both my kids have mental health challenges and I also have in laws who are elderly so yes, on top of my busy life, being human, I don’t find her a joy to spend time with. I do some volunteering sometimes and also meet a lot of older people through my work - it has made me see her in a different light to be honest - I’m sorry if my post comes through as uncaring - it’s an honest reflection of how I feel and I am trying to work through with my siblings how to deal with it going forwards. Uncaring would be never calling and never seeing her - I’m not that person. And no, she never calls me except in an emergency.

Oh and she often says that life is easier without my dad - he was a difficult man to be around and if he’d lived any longer may possibly have bankrupted them with his risky financial decisions (even in his late 70’s)