Rude or not!

Well said!!

My mum's sister followed a strict timetable for meals.
All the grown up children came from their workplaces in time for a cooked lunch, at a specific time, and there were a lot of them.
Meanwhile, aunty Pam had her pinny on, slaving over a hot oven, it seemed.

She used to eat standing at the kitchen counter, because tjerewas nowhere for her to sit.

TanaMa, my FiL had to have his meals dead on time. His sister was the same - I swear their mother had told them that if you didn’t have absolutely regular meals, you’d sicken and die.

After he developed dementia, his lunch being three minutes later than 12.30 was enough to trigger an absolutely violent rage.

TBH I’d just give her something simple/easy - M&S ready meals come to mind - when she wants to eat, and get ours ready at our usual time.

I am 91and can't think of anything worse than regimented mealtimes!! Once my late husband had left the Fleet Air Arm and we bought our own home, we ate only when we were hungry - can remember spending a holiday with friends where the husband demanded his meals 'on the dot', regardless of what we were all doing!! Perfect hell!! But I guess that's life and 'live and let live'!!

I think you could accommodate your mum's habits.
It's just for a short while. Ask her what she'd prefer, and go along with it.

The late 80s age group were probably accustomed to having dinner at lunch time and at the norm nowadays dinner time would be teatime. At 79 I was brought up on this routine and even into 30s still adhered to the "old" routine.
Just provide the meal at 4.30 pm, have a cuppa with your DM whilst she eats her dinner even if in front of tv.

It's your mum and it's only on 2/3 occasions. Her normal routine is being disrupted anyway so surely you could put up with eating earlier on theses occasions? Why can't you have a late breakfast, no lunch and then eat with your mum at 4.30, it's not asking a lot.

If this was week 1 of a few weeks, why not ask if she’d prefer to be taken home for her tea (you could always make it ready to take to hers) or eat watching tv at yours. Just say it’s too early for you to eat but that you realise she’s used to eating at 4.30.
What happens at your brother’s house? Do they all eat early?

Surely you know her well as she’s your mum. I’d say would you like to eat now or do you want to wait and eat with us.

MawsRosie

Putting other people’s needs before your own and ensuring their comfort is at the root of good manners. I believe it was Queen Victoria who, when offered tea at a crofter’s cottage at Balmoral, imitated her hostess by pouring her tea into her saucer before sipping it. All so as to not make the other woman uncomfortable and put her at her ease.
I think eating on your own while everybody watches would be excruciating but perhaps a generous afternoon tea for you all with lots of sandwiches and savouries plus a cake or biscuit for the others might meet both your needs.
A meal is not just food as fuel but a social occasion and presumably something she misses out on the rest of the week. I’m sure you can find a compromise as it is after all only for a few weeks.
Do you see her NOT at mealtimes the rest of the time?

Yes i see her throughout the week at various times, sometimes at her home when she's eating her meal (never offers a drink to me ) So i don't think she's uncomfortable with eating in front of people.
She does seem to get "fed up" of being around people, I've put this down to her being so deaf that she has to work hard at picking up what you are saying, so she's glad when u go!

NotSpaghetti

You ask if it's rude Narnia.
I think "rude" isn't the word but it's just not very generous.

My mother-in-law liked to eat early - not at 4 or 4.30 - but still 1½ or 2 hours earlier than we would choose to - so I do know how you feel.

It's a small inconvenience for a few weeks...
I'd just quietly adapt and get on with it.

Eating together is a gift for many who live alone.

PS hear, hear NotSpaghetti

Putting other people’s needs before your own and ensuring their comfort is at the root of good manners. I believe it was Queen Victoria who, when offered tea at a crofter’s cottage at Balmoral, imitated her hostess by pouring her tea into her saucer before sipping it. All so as to not make the other woman uncomfortable and put her at her ease.
I think eating on your own while everybody watches would be excruciating but perhaps a generous afternoon tea for you all with lots of sandwiches and savouries plus a cake or biscuit for the others might meet both your needs.
A meal is not just food as fuel but a social occasion and presumably something she misses out on the rest of the week. I’m sure you can find a compromise as it is after all only for a few weeks.
Do you see her NOT at mealtimes the rest of the time?

sorry, I reported myself, wrong thread

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I think..

if I possibly could - depending on your own tummy needs

...I would not eat at lunch time except enough to keep me going and join her in a simple meal that you like too. Fish, new potatoes, cooked green veg or carrots and a bought pud heated up?

She would maybe not show it but eating with her is so symbolically caring. Grandkids can be excused it depends on their routine. Sit by the TV too, my now deceased MiL used to like that.

Mrsfeather, I’m so pleased to hear your mealtimes!
Mine are the same because I get up at 5ish and go to bed at 9ish. This suits me and I’m usually alone but when I’m with others I do things at their times.

Speaking from experience with my own mother, her routine had changed considerably by her 80s. It all fitted in with her digestive system, sleep patterns etc. I would feed your mum at the time she normally eats with the food she normally eats. It will be of comfort to her and you know you are doing your best by her.

NotSpaghetti

You ask if it's rude Narnia.
I think "rude" isn't the word but it's just not very generous.

My mother-in-law liked to eat early - not at 4 or 4.30 - but still 1½ or 2 hours earlier than we would choose to - so I do know how you feel.

It's a small inconvenience for a few weeks...
I'd just quietly adapt and get on with it.

Eating together is a gift for many who live alone.

We generally eat at 8 so 4 for us is very early. She likes very plain food also.
I think she will be fine eating as she does at home, on her lap watching tv together. I will join her with a coffee and biscuit

You ask if it's rude Narnia.
I think "rude" isn't the word but it's just not very generous.

My mother-in-law liked to eat early - not at 4 or 4.30 - but still 1½ or 2 hours earlier than we would choose to - so I do know how you feel.

It's a small inconvenience for a few weeks...
I'd just quietly adapt and get on with it.

Eating together is a gift for many who live alone.

I mean this kindly but could it be that she has developed this mind set because your brother wasn’t inclined to take her out on the days she visited him?

It’s funny but inwardly you are just as rigid as she is Narnia (*we have never been 5 pm people*)
She has her routine and for some elderly it’s the routine that keeps them going I see no reason why she can’t eat at 4.30 with a tray on her knee watching TV and the rest of you eat at 6
Talk to her ask her ‘would you rather have your meal at your usual time or wait and eat with us at 6’ and of course she ll say her usual
Yes I like brief changes of scenery but always feel happy to be back in my own home I am a little bit younger than you mum You may be the same at 80😂 I can’t remember when it crept up on me
Anyway you just go with the flow for a few more Sundays

We eat very early, breakfast 6ish, lunch 11-11.30 and dinner 4.30 ish. Suits us very well as we are hungry at these times. We used to wait until normal to others times but as we grew old we suited ourselves.

We have noticed a lot of eateries around here start their lunch menus at 11.30 and dinner first sitting at 5.30 so a lot of Tasmanians must eat early!

We oldies do get very set in our ways.

I would let her dine at 4.30pm and have a cup of coffee at the same time. I dine around 8 pm so I couldn't eat at 4.30pm. She doesn't appear to bother provided the food is on time.

She is very deaf so conversation isn't easy. I think she likes the change of scenery (briefly) but is only happy in her own home