Rude or not!

No, I don’t think it would be rude at all. If she has a plate on her lap you could do the same and have a biscuit. Easier than going out. You give the impression that she doesn’t converse much, but see no reason why you wouldn’t tell her that you usually eat later.

If she is like the people I know like this in real life, she wont mind at all if she eats at your house, at her time of eating, without you eating.

Yes, I understand this. My MiL use to puff and sigh and look at her watch also. We eat normally around 6 - 6.30pm but on the days she came we just adjusted as it was only for a couple of times - later brunch? earlier dinner ?and as she goes home at 6.30 then a nice supper just the two of you.

On the days she's with you I'd have brunch and then eat at "tea time" (4 or 4.30) with her as she prefers.

Your brother usually does it so obviously it's possible - and it only needs to be done for another couple of weeks after all.

This is what I'd do

Then I'd run her home at six () and maybe have a simple supper later with my lovely husband - or perhaps just cheese and biscuits.

Don't forget how nice it is to eat in company. She may be "used to" eating in front of the telly and not be very chatty - but presumably she gets quite a lot out of it being at the heart of things.

When my mother lived with us she was used to having her main meal at lunch-time rather than the evening when we normally ate.
It's probably better to eat earlier, although we still don't.

The main thing is to feed her when she needs to eat, no matter if you want to eat later.

My mother-in-law was a very slow eater when she got older and was used to eat in front of the TV but when she stayed she ate with us. Many's the time the children would excuse themselves but she was still eating so I felt obliged to sit with her.

She is very deaf so conversation isn't easy. I think she likes the change of scenery (briefly) but is only happy in her own home

I would let her dine at 4.30pm and have a cup of coffee at the same time. I dine around 8 pm so I couldn't eat at 4.30pm. She doesn't appear to bother provided the food is on time.

We eat very early, breakfast 6ish, lunch 11-11.30 and dinner 4.30 ish. Suits us very well as we are hungry at these times. We used to wait until normal to others times but as we grew old we suited ourselves.

We have noticed a lot of eateries around here start their lunch menus at 11.30 and dinner first sitting at 5.30 so a lot of Tasmanians must eat early!

We oldies do get very set in our ways.

It’s funny but inwardly you are just as rigid as she is Narnia (*we have never been 5 pm people*)
She has her routine and for some elderly it’s the routine that keeps them going I see no reason why she can’t eat at 4.30 with a tray on her knee watching TV and the rest of you eat at 6
Talk to her ask her ‘would you rather have your meal at your usual time or wait and eat with us at 6’ and of course she ll say her usual
Yes I like brief changes of scenery but always feel happy to be back in my own home I am a little bit younger than you mum You may be the same at 80😂 I can’t remember when it crept up on me
Anyway you just go with the flow for a few more Sundays

I mean this kindly but could it be that she has developed this mind set because your brother wasn’t inclined to take her out on the days she visited him?

You ask if it's rude Narnia.
I think "rude" isn't the word but it's just not very generous.

My mother-in-law liked to eat early - not at 4 or 4.30 - but still 1½ or 2 hours earlier than we would choose to - so I do know how you feel.

It's a small inconvenience for a few weeks...
I'd just quietly adapt and get on with it.

Eating together is a gift for many who live alone.

NotSpaghetti

You ask if it's rude Narnia.
I think "rude" isn't the word but it's just not very generous.

My mother-in-law liked to eat early - not at 4 or 4.30 - but still 1½ or 2 hours earlier than we would choose to - so I do know how you feel.

It's a small inconvenience for a few weeks...
I'd just quietly adapt and get on with it.

Eating together is a gift for many who live alone.

We generally eat at 8 so 4 for us is very early. She likes very plain food also.
I think she will be fine eating as she does at home, on her lap watching tv together. I will join her with a coffee and biscuit

Speaking from experience with my own mother, her routine had changed considerably by her 80s. It all fitted in with her digestive system, sleep patterns etc. I would feed your mum at the time she normally eats with the food she normally eats. It will be of comfort to her and you know you are doing your best by her.

Mrsfeather, I’m so pleased to hear your mealtimes!
Mine are the same because I get up at 5ish and go to bed at 9ish. This suits me and I’m usually alone but when I’m with others I do things at their times.

I think..

if I possibly could - depending on your own tummy needs

...I would not eat at lunch time except enough to keep me going and join her in a simple meal that you like too. Fish, new potatoes, cooked green veg or carrots and a bought pud heated up?

She would maybe not show it but eating with her is so symbolically caring. Grandkids can be excused it depends on their routine. Sit by the TV too, my now deceased MiL used to like that.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sorry, I reported myself, wrong thread

Putting other people’s needs before your own and ensuring their comfort is at the root of good manners. I believe it was Queen Victoria who, when offered tea at a crofter’s cottage at Balmoral, imitated her hostess by pouring her tea into her saucer before sipping it. All so as to not make the other woman uncomfortable and put her at her ease.
I think eating on your own while everybody watches would be excruciating but perhaps a generous afternoon tea for you all with lots of sandwiches and savouries plus a cake or biscuit for the others might meet both your needs.
A meal is not just food as fuel but a social occasion and presumably something she misses out on the rest of the week. I’m sure you can find a compromise as it is after all only for a few weeks.
Do you see her NOT at mealtimes the rest of the time?

NotSpaghetti

You ask if it's rude Narnia.
I think "rude" isn't the word but it's just not very generous.

My mother-in-law liked to eat early - not at 4 or 4.30 - but still 1½ or 2 hours earlier than we would choose to - so I do know how you feel.

It's a small inconvenience for a few weeks...
I'd just quietly adapt and get on with it.

Eating together is a gift for many who live alone.

PS hear, hear NotSpaghetti

MawsRosie

Putting other people’s needs before your own and ensuring their comfort is at the root of good manners. I believe it was Queen Victoria who, when offered tea at a crofter’s cottage at Balmoral, imitated her hostess by pouring her tea into her saucer before sipping it. All so as to not make the other woman uncomfortable and put her at her ease.
I think eating on your own while everybody watches would be excruciating but perhaps a generous afternoon tea for you all with lots of sandwiches and savouries plus a cake or biscuit for the others might meet both your needs.
A meal is not just food as fuel but a social occasion and presumably something she misses out on the rest of the week. I’m sure you can find a compromise as it is after all only for a few weeks.
Do you see her NOT at mealtimes the rest of the time?

Yes i see her throughout the week at various times, sometimes at her home when she's eating her meal (never offers a drink to me ) So i don't think she's uncomfortable with eating in front of people.
She does seem to get "fed up" of being around people, I've put this down to her being so deaf that she has to work hard at picking up what you are saying, so she's glad when u go!

Surely you know her well as she’s your mum. I’d say would you like to eat now or do you want to wait and eat with us.

If this was week 1 of a few weeks, why not ask if she’d prefer to be taken home for her tea (you could always make it ready to take to hers) or eat watching tv at yours. Just say it’s too early for you to eat but that you realise she’s used to eating at 4.30.
What happens at your brother’s house? Do they all eat early?

It's your mum and it's only on 2/3 occasions. Her normal routine is being disrupted anyway so surely you could put up with eating earlier on theses occasions? Why can't you have a late breakfast, no lunch and then eat with your mum at 4.30, it's not asking a lot.

The late 80s age group were probably accustomed to having dinner at lunch time and at the norm nowadays dinner time would be teatime. At 79 I was brought up on this routine and even into 30s still adhered to the "old" routine.
Just provide the meal at 4.30 pm, have a cuppa with your DM whilst she eats her dinner even if in front of tv.