Rude or not!

Or even tucks in x

Not at all rude.

Have a cuppa and a biscuit while she ticks in.

Why not compromise and eat at 6.00, or whenever falls in between your routine and hers?

I think it's quite rude to insist, as a guest in someone's home, that everyone adapts to your own preference for eating, which is all it is, but as host, I would be prepared to shuffle things around a bit.

If someone is, say, diabetic, and needs to eat at particular times, it's different, but a preference for eating at one time shouldn't overrule the preference of others to do likewise at a different time. I think in this situation that it's your mum who is being rude.

I remember my grandmother coming to us for Christmas when I was a child, and wanting to eat at 12.00, as that was her preference. It completely disrupted the day, as we were used to eating much later, and my mum had to get up extremely early to start preparing - she missed a lot of the present opening and so on, to accommodate granny 'because she is old'.

If I went to someone else's house, and was being treated to meals, company and whatever else, I would be happy to fit around their needs and preferences - why not?

I wouldn't have two sittings, but I might ask if she'd prefer a sandwich/omelette at her preferred time, and she could sit with everyone else at the house's mealtime who the rest of the family were eating. I wouldn't expect everyone else to fit around one person without good reason.

I’m nearly 86 and my main meal is around 6pm. However, if I visit family for lunch I adapt to their times so that usually means not having breakfast. In your mum?s case it sounds as though she would be unhappy to eat at a different time so I would just accommodate her and maybe sit with a cup of tea. Ideally, though, I think it would be better if you could all eat the main meal together, adapting what you usually eat at lunchtime so that you are able to eat your evening meal earlier.
It’s not going to be for long, is it?

I’m 80 and I normally eat around 6pm, but when I have evening activities I eat a bit earlier so I am ready to go out at 6.30. Sometimes I eat my main meal at lunchtime when I have to be out by 6pm. I have to be flexible if I am to have any sort of active life.
We are not all rigid in our meal times, but if your Mum is, then make sure she is fed at the times she needs to eat. I don’t think it is rude for you not to eat with her, but don’t palm her off with a ready meal, make sure it is home cooking, as she will appreciate that. If possible, get the family to sit down and make it an enjoyable event for her.

She never offers you a drink - she's 86 - offer to make you both a drink.

Blimey - you are coming across as uncaring and ungrateful for still having your mum in your life.

She may not be around much longer, so you'll be able to eat and drink as you please 😡

On the day you go to see her why don't you have a late breakfast and then a late lunch so you can eat with her?

She's 86, have a bit of compassion.

Just wondering what you are thinking, Narnia with the weekend nearly upon us?

Agree with Maws 100%

I think our neighbours do, main meal around 4.30, the other meal is a brunch. The say it's better to eat earlier and two meals a day rather than three.
They're not elderly.

MawsRosie

Is “rude” the word?
To not be willing to adapt to suit an elderly parent for just a few Sundays- selfish and inconsiderate.
To contemplate giving her a solitary ready meal or a sandwich to eat alone just because you prefer to eat later- yes, selfish and inconsiderate and not very loving.
OP makes it sound as if the whole business of having Mum on these Sundays is a massive inconvenience and nuisance.
You say she never offers you a drink - do you offer to make one for her? What a lonely life it sounds like,
All I can think is Poor Mum- she deserves better

You don’t get a by for being selfish because you’re old though, it cuts both ways. I don’t think I’ve met anybody who routinely eats a meal at 4 in the afternoon, it’s probably the oddest time to eat, halfway between usual mealtimes. I think most people, whatever their age, would understand that, and be willing to compromise, particularly when offered the choice of eating alone but at their usual time, surely?

Thanks all

I usually eat early around 5.30 but would never expect others to fall in with my timetable if I am visiting them. It seems very self centred to me. I am nearly eighty and would hate to become so inflexible.

I fall in with whatever my children’s plans are - last Sunday one of them wanted to lunch at 12 , because kiddos had activities. I am a late riser, so 12 is far too early. I said nothing. Their home, their lunch, their time. I have never been, nor have I expected to be a priority, in any family plans.

It's only 3 Sundays just go with the flow and mix up your routine for a change

Give her a nosebag. Cuts out all the faff.

Is “rude” the word?
To not be willing to adapt to suit an elderly parent for just a few Sundays- selfish and inconsiderate.
To contemplate giving her a solitary ready meal or a sandwich to eat alone just because you prefer to eat later- yes, selfish and inconsiderate and not very loving.
OP makes it sound as if the whole business of having Mum on these Sundays is a massive inconvenience and nuisance.
You say she never offers you a drink - do you offer to make one for her? What a lonely life it sounds like,
All I can think is Poor Mum- she deserves better

My DH started eating earlier and earlier . I was used to not eating at work until at least 1:30 and not getting home until 7, so we mismatched. I have gradually got hm to eat at 5:30 by shifting a few minutes at a time, and making meals that will keep until I am hungry. I have moved from 7:30 to 6:30 now. It can be done even at her age, but I guess not by far.

Have you tried giving her a cuppa and cake around 3:30, so she is not urgently hungry at 4:30?

She's your mum, I find it odd that you have to ask the internet this question. Don't you know if she thinks it will be rude?

knspol

It's your mum and it's only on 2/3 occasions. Her normal routine is being disrupted anyway so surely you could put up with eating earlier on theses occasions? Why can't you have a late breakfast, no lunch and then eat with your mum at 4.30, it's not asking a lot.

What a lot of fuzz for 3 Sundays, I can't believe so many people eat by the clock, I eat when I am hungry or when am with people whenever it has been arranged. I think you should fit in with your mother and eat with her, particularly as your brother can manage this all the other weeks. Surely your mother comes first on these occasions. I am quite surprised at some of these replies.

I agree with Chestnut. Sitting at the table and eating together will make her feel valued and included. It shows real generosity of spirit that you are putting her needs before your own.

I'm one who would eat my dinner with her at the early time. We should be flexible to suit our guests and I wouldn't mind eating at a different time. As someone said, have brunch or an early snack so you are ready for something to eat. Sit at a table if you have one so you can converse at least a little, after all it's just an occasional event, make it a family friendly one.

Women had a much harder time than I think any of us can imagine.

Oh me too!
Aunty Pam's husband dictated the house "rules", I think, and it was a shame, because Pam was a fun person, really.
All she asked for was one day a year at the seaside, but nope.
Not "allowed".

MissAdventure

My mum's sister followed a strict timetable for meals.
All the grown up children came from their workplaces in time for a cooked lunch, at a specific time, and there were a lot of them.
Meanwhile, aunty Pam had her pinny on, slaving over a hot oven, it seemed.

She used to eat standing at the kitchen counter, because tjerewas nowhere for her to sit.

This sounds very 19th century!
I think while most elderly -or indeed very old- people like a routine, it horrifies me when that rules their life to the extent some posts upthread describe.
As you do yourself ( we have never been 5pm people )- there is a well known disease of later life called hardening of the attitudes and I would hope to put my mothers comfort first and work round this.
It all sounds a bit regimented and as if this is something with which you feel you have (unwillingly) to put.
I hope I am never in that situation.