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Lost my soulmate but not next of kin

(26 Posts)
Barneysmommy Wed 20-Jan-21 01:36:45

I met my partner on 9th june 1990. we had a happy and close relationship for 30 years. we had great times and we had sad times. We had a son in 1995 we both adore.

we decided to celebrate our love on 6th June 2020 by getting married. We arranged a big affair church wedding 140 guests and this was going to be our great day to celebrate our love for each other.

covid came churches and venues were closed. We decided to postpone the wedding until the world returned to normal and have the wedding we had planned later.

On 2nd January a couple of weeks ago my beloved did not wake up his heart had completly failed. He had gone

I am devastated i have lost my soulmate. Have no idea how life can go on without him by my side

However, am writing this post today to warn people in situations similar to mine.

My lifetime partner the man i met when he was 30 and i was 26 died when he was 61 and i am 57. we lived together 30 years, any agency who asked we both put the other as next of kin. I did my will a few years ago my partner was always going to do it but he never did.

Since his death I have tried to claim a small life insurance policy that I arranged and paid from my bank, that policy only covers a third of his funeral. i have tried to deal with the coroner undertakers and department of works and pensions and been told none of them can deal with me because i am not next of kin.

My partner had 3 children a 41 year old daughter who has been to visit her father 3 times in the last 10 years. a son who we last saw 2 years ago. we have a son we share who we saw everyday.

My step daughter is the next of kin in the eyes of the law and does not want to hear what her fathers wishes are and is constantly telling me to keep my nose out.I am not aloowed to have anything to do with funeral rrangement.our ounger son has tried to talk to her and asked her to think of my feelings but she wont listen.
I just feel our 30 years together has been rubbished because we were not married even though a wedding was planned and the oldest daughter was being includedbecause she was going to be matron of honour. how can i be cut out like this

Barneysmommy Wed 20-Jan-21 01:40:39

I forgot to say the daughter has already told me how much the funeral will cost and asked me how I am going to pay for it. I feel like I am not allowed any involvement in the plans because i was not his next of kin but being told I should pay for it because he was my partner

SueDonim Wed 20-Jan-21 01:50:08

I’m so sorry, Barneysmommy. How awful to lose your partner after so long. It’s a salutary lesson, too, for what could happen if loose ends aren’t tied up. flowers

I think you’ll get more replies in the morning and hopefully some support at this dreadful time.

Doodledog Wed 20-Jan-21 01:50:21

Oh, that is so unfair, and I'm so sorry for your loss - please accept my condolences.

Have you spoken to a solicitor? What was the arrangement on your house? Is it owned/mortgaged? If that is the case you should be entitled to a share of it after 30 years, particularly if your name is on the deeds, although it won't be as straightforward as if you were married.

I can see that you absolutely have a moral case to be treated as NOK, but the law doesn't always recognise moral cases. I don't want to give wrong advice, so I suggest you make an appointment ASAP with a solicitor who specialises in property or family law.

Good luck, and please take care of yourself in this.

vegansrock Wed 20-Jan-21 05:46:24

This is so sad. If you aren’t being allowed to have any say in the funeral arrangements you should definitely not be asked to pay for it. Just say no- she can’t have it both ways.

cornergran Wed 20-Jan-21 06:12:47

I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve no advice to offer other than to repeat the suggestion you seek legal advice in what is an incredibly difficult and upsetting situation. You have your son of course who is also grieving but I hope there are good friends to support you, wider family too. Please look after yourself.

Poppyred Wed 20-Jan-21 06:13:28

So very sorry for your loss.
I agree with Veganstock if she insists on having the funeral her way then she pays. Don’t take any s* from her. Think of your lovely partner and what he would have wanted.

welbeck Wed 20-Jan-21 07:06:40

so sorry for your sad loss.
did your partner have enough money to cover the cost of the funeral. if so, these funds can be released to pay for it. if the bill is taken to his bank, they can write a cheque. this is before and separate from probate.
wish i'd known this.
also i agree with others who say you must take legal advice immediately.

welbeck Wed 20-Jan-21 07:08:46

also am wondering how his daughter can make all these decisions unilaterally, if he had 2 other children.
don't they all have as much right as each other.

Esspee Wed 20-Jan-21 07:46:32

I constantly warn others about this very situation, especially youngsters who believe marriage is outdated.

sodapop Wed 20-Jan-21 08:47:41

I'm so sorry for your loss Barneysmommy it's difficult I know but don't let all this devalue the wonderful life you had with your partner.
Get some legal advice quickly and don't let your stepdaughter bully you. Welbeck had good advice. Take care thanks

eazybee Wed 20-Jan-21 08:59:56

What a horrible situation for you. Unfortunately children of broken marriages are often more badly hurt by the break-up than people realise, and don't forget. I wouldn't refer to her as your step-daughter; fuel to the fire.
With regard to the funeral, if your partner's daughter is arranging it and you are not consulted about the arrangements you must notify the funeral directors in writing immediately that payment is not your responsibility. She has contracted them therefore she will be responsible for payment.

Georgesgran Wed 20-Jan-21 09:14:49

Very sad situation, but agree with Esspee.
There’s no such thing as ‘a common law partner’ - sounds cruel after all the years you’ve spent together, but in the eyes of the law - you’re just playing house together.
Was there a reason not to marry 20, 10 or even 5 years ago?
Having re-read the OP, I also see he didn’t get round to writing a will either - another lesson to be earned by others in the same position. Not to add to your anguish at this time, but I hope you (or your son) will be the beneficiary of his (vocational) pension and not his ex-wife! I definitely wouldn’t be paying for the funeral, but with Covid it may be very different to what he wanted anyway.

It may be worth spending an hour with a solicitor, but moral and legal are unlikely bedfellows.
You have my sympathy 💐

Luckygirl Wed 20-Jan-21 09:40:43

I am so sorry for your loss; and all these worries on top. You do need some legal advice.

As to the funeral - the person who books it pays for it. Just make sure your name is on none of the paperwork.

Toadinthehole Wed 20-Jan-21 09:44:28

I’m so sad to hear of your loss. I don’t have any legal advice to offer....not having experienced this type of thing. However, what you do have, which no one can take away, is that 30 years....and a son. These are priceless memories, and they are yours and your son’s. I wish you all the very best and pray you will get through the next few weeks with as little pain as possible 💐

Cabbie21 Wed 20-Jan-21 09:52:16

So sorry for your loss.
I hope your son is able to have a say in all this.
You do not have to pay for the funeral if you did not arrange it and have no say in it.
The person who arranges a funeral is responsible for paying for it.

Hetty58 Wed 20-Jan-21 10:37:54

My friend lost her long time partner. He died suddenly of a heart attack.

The next day, very early, his grown-up children arrived - to remove absolutely all his belongings from the house - his motorbike and tools from the garage too!

She arranged and paid for the funeral. They attended. He'd wanted a humanist service, so she wanted to follow his wishes. His children would only have done a cremation with no service.

Unfortunately, although the house was in her name, he hadn't made a will - so they inherited everything else.

She then had to move, as she couldn't afford the mortgage.

sodapop Wed 20-Jan-21 11:57:08

That is dreadful Hetty people can be so heartless.

Iam64 Wed 20-Jan-21 12:49:45

Sincere condolences, yes see a solicitor ASAP.
It’s too late for the OP but marriage isn’t the only way to secure your future if you enter into a life partnership but choose not to marry. You need wills and a legal agreement drawn up.
Mr Justice Mumby, head of the Family Division spoke last year about cohabiting mothers needing the same rights as married women. It’s the legal situation that’s outdated.

Oopsadaisy1 Wed 20-Jan-21 12:59:56

Get advice today!
Don’t forget your son is also his heir, whether you were married or not and he will need legal advice too.

3nanny6 Wed 20-Jan-21 13:33:40

Barneysmommy : so sorry to hear of the loss of your dear soulmate and partner after 30 years, you must be devastated.
All the advice on here to see a solicitor sounds right and after
a 30 year relationship and a son together surely you have some say in what happens now he has died.

I have known people in the past experience terrible behavior from other family members on the death of someone and where money is involved.
It sounds like the eldest daughter is taking over everything
as if it is her legal right. If the daughter is arranging the funeral and doing everything then she will be signing for the funeral and the undertakers will take her address. Make sure you do not sign for anything and tell your son not to go with her and sign anything. My brothers daughter took over his funeral and then took money from the bank and belongings as far as I know the undertakers are still chasing her for remaining money and his ashes are still with them.
She was a heartless person and showed no love for her father.

kircubbin2000 Wed 20-Jan-21 15:29:04

If you were married you would be next of kin.

kircubbin2000 Wed 20-Jan-21 15:30:41

Oh, just missed the bit about the wedding.

Flaxseed Wed 20-Jan-21 22:12:16

Just want to say how sorry I am on the loss of your beloved partner.

I went to a retirement workshop recently and there was a speaker describing situations like yours. It was a real eye opener. confused

Thistlelass Wed 24-Feb-21 03:20:43

The rule with funerals as I understand is whoever organises it is expected to pick up the bill. I am sorry for your loss and that you are going through this.