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Down Sizing

(43 Posts)
Msida Wed 05-May-21 14:21:49

So I lost my husband in August and since then the house has felt quite lonely

I think that if I downsize to a smaller property I would feel alot less lonely

Has anyone experienced this and what do you think

Peasblossom Wed 05-May-21 14:28:08

That’s what I did. I hated rolling around in that once busy family home with it’s empty rooms.

I bought a smallish terraced house, but really well designed so that it didn’t feel cramped and could accommodate a couple of visitors or family to eat.

It was a new beginning. People say don’t make any big decisions in the first year and I heeded them and waited. They were so wrong.

If I’d moved straight away I would have spared myself a lot of unhappiness in a house that only reminded me of what I no longer had.

Judy54 Wed 05-May-21 14:35:59

My condolences Msida on the loss of your Husband. It is understandable that you are feeling lonely but perhaps you may still feel like that wherever you live. If you have good neighbours then it may be better to stay put as you never know what new neighbours might be like. Just weigh up the pros and cons and decide what is best for you. Good luck.

Msida Wed 05-May-21 15:51:04

Oh my word Peasblossom I couldn't agree more, so nice to read this

Msida Wed 05-May-21 15:53:47

Thanks Judy

henetha Wed 05-May-21 15:54:56

I agree with Peasblossom, it's best to move away from all those memories and try a new start.
Sending you flowers and good wishes.

AGAA4 Wed 05-May-21 16:21:05

I moved to a smaller place when I was on my own. A new place without painful memories waiting in every room.
It was definitely right for me.

I hope things turn out well for you too Msida.

Peasblossom Wed 05-May-21 16:25:37

I hope it’s been helpful. There’s loads of other positive stuff I could say but I didn’t want to sound too cheerful because I know that you are not in a happy place and I do remember those feelings of loss and despair and loneliness.

My new little house folded itself around me and I felt happier from the beginning. It was so right for me and the life I had now. I knew I didn’t want my old life with holes in it, if you see what I mean

Just the fact that you’re thinking about possibilities is very, very positive.
I really wish you well💐

diygran Wed 05-May-21 16:36:30

Sorry you lost your other half so recently.
My late mother moved house as she kept 'seeing' my late father. After a great upheaval for herself and all the family, she settled in. Unfortunately it didnt help her feelings of loss. She sadly died a few years after moving.
The whole saga was a mistake as she missed her old surroundings. If your current house is at all suitable for just you, I'd advice staying put.

Kamiso Wed 05-May-21 16:47:11

Sorry that you are feeling so lost right now.

Are you intending to stay in the same area to maintain your friendships and familiar shops etc?

The traditional wisdom used to be to not make any major decisions in the first year but nothing is set in stone.

Some people are comforted by familiarity. Others need a complete change of scene especially if the deceased was nursed in the home and you keep getting flashbacks.

Redhead56 Wed 05-May-21 16:50:41

Msida sorry for your loss my heart goes out to you. I hope you have a good think about what’s best for you and make the right decision. Maybe you decide to stay in the same area where you are familiar or move away for a fresh start. Whatever you decide I wish the best for you.💐

heath480 Wed 05-May-21 17:57:00

I downsized five years after I lost my husband,I was only in my forties then.

I would advise waiting a bit longer,don’t do anything in the first year.I used to belong to a singles club and there were a few restless widows there.They moved homes frequently and couldn’t settle in any of them.

My first year of being a widow was horrendous,moving house then would have been the worst thing I could have done.

You really need to grieve properly,then think very carefully about moving.I bought a new house,a blank canvas.Much smaller than the family home,I love it.

SueLindsey Fri 07-May-21 10:42:09

I am divorced and moved from a three bed house to a one bed flat 5 years ago. During lockdowns people kept telling me I must get claustrophobic but I actually prefer a smaller place, it seems to "fit" better.

DaisyL Fri 07-May-21 11:05:35

Memories can be painful but very precious too - I would hate to move and leave them behind. The house was my husband's before we met and is full of him which I find very comforting. And the family love coming here and talking about him - so many memories are triggered by the house and garden. Everyone has a different way of dealing with loss but I think I would be infinitely sadder away from him.

Hevs Fri 07-May-21 11:10:42

I am sorry for your loss. I'm not a widow but I am divorced and have had to downsize for financial reasons. Downsizing makes sense if it makes your life easier or better or happier.
Just be aware meeting new people can be a little trickier at the moment because of corona.
You alone know how you are feeling and what will make you happy.
Move somewhere if the moment you walk in, you feel lighter and happier and can see yourself being there, and you've asked and got satisfactory answers to all the important questions about the property. If so, follow your heart - but use your head too.

icanhandthemback Fri 07-May-21 11:14:30

My Mum wanted to sell her 6 bedroom house in the first year after her husband died and I persuaded her to hold on to it. As she was so lonely, I moved in with her with my kids until she got back on her feel. What a huge mistake. Leaving again was hard and the damage done to the relationship with my daughter was difficult to come back from. Now, nearly 30 years later she can't cope in it, won't put it on the market and is driving me to despair. I wish I'd let her sell it when she wanted to.

pen50 Fri 07-May-21 11:18:09

I moved, not only to a new house but also a new country within eight months of my husband's death. It was okay, kept me too busy to brood. The death had been bad, months in a coma beforehand, and I had recurrent flashbacks, which were deeply upsetting; having something else to think about was quite therapeutic.

grandtanteJE65 Fri 07-May-21 11:36:00

Sorry to hear of your loss.

I think, although not being a widow my advice may be meaningless, that you should do what feels best for you.

I cannot visiualize wanting to stay here without DH if I am the one left.

You will still have your memories and sadly also a feeling of loss, but it may be easier to cope with in new surroundings.

After all, you have been flung into a new chapter of your life and a new start somewhere else sounds to be what you feel like doing, so go for it.

BlueRuby Fri 07-May-21 11:53:34

It's still early days. I wouldn't make a decision for at least a year, if finances are not pressing. You might find you'd rather stay where you are. Thin down your possessions. It's very liberating. Maybe even look into having a doctoral student, trainee doctor or actors from a local theatre, as a part time/temporary lodger if you feel it's too big a space for you. If, on the other hand, you feel you want to be free after a year then the world is your oyster!

EmilyHarburn Fri 07-May-21 12:21:48

Sorry to hear of your loss. Its early days, you may want to engage the services of a declutterer who specialized in moving house. It would be lovely for you to have someone to talk to who was helping you express you hopes for the kind of life you hope to lead and so helping you to identify the things that are important to you and you wish to take with you.
This website will help you find a qualified person near you.
www.apdo.co.uk/

all the very best for your future.

greenlady102 Fri 07-May-21 12:45:13

I have been widowed for nearly 10 years and stayed in the same house. I am also a retired Occupational Therapist and much of my time was spent working with older people both single and who had lost a partner. I would counsel you to think a bit about downsizing if you can afford to stay where you are and if you don't live in a massive house that has become an upkeep problem. Many many of the people I met who had downsized were finding practical problems in terms of furniture size, space to move around, especially once they need a walking aid or bath or toilet aids. Its a very personal decision.... can I suggest that you think about practicalities, what you love about where you live now, both house and location, and what changes you would make. my personal experience is that like the weather, you might be at risk of taking your lonely with you.

Mealybug Fri 07-May-21 12:45:34

Sorry for your loss, it seems to have worked out well for you regarding the move. My situation is slightly different, husband is on end of life care so I'm looking to my future alone. I've lived in this big house for nearly 30 years but I love it here and wouldn't want to live anywhere else. I have two dogs, a big garden and it's in a nice area, but at 66 with Emphysema I'm finding it increasingly difficult to look after. My dtr, her husband and 2 children live just up the road and the house would be ideal for them spacewise, but I don't want to live with them either. Theirs is a busy, noisy household and I don't think it would suit either of us. When LO eventually passes I don't think I can afford to run it either just on State Pension so my options are limited.

CBBL Fri 07-May-21 12:50:56

I have been widowed twice. The first time was in 1988 and our home then was a two up, two down terrace. I did not want to leave, as it had been a happy home for us. I used to pretend that my late husband was in a other room, or out in the garden, which worked well except for when it was time for going to bed! I was still working, and also had good neighbours, so moving was not a sensible option. I kept the house even after remarriage in 2004, and moved back there in 2011, after my husband died in 2010. I now live in the very North of Scotland, with a view of the sea, which I love, even though it's very rural, mostly because my "old" home had stairs which became difficult to manage, and was also on a steep hill!

greenlady102 Fri 07-May-21 13:07:23

CBBL

I have been widowed twice. The first time was in 1988 and our home then was a two up, two down terrace. I did not want to leave, as it had been a happy home for us. I used to pretend that my late husband was in a other room, or out in the garden, which worked well except for when it was time for going to bed! I was still working, and also had good neighbours, so moving was not a sensible option. I kept the house even after remarriage in 2004, and moved back there in 2011, after my husband died in 2010. I now live in the very North of Scotland, with a view of the sea, which I love, even though it's very rural, mostly because my "old" home had stairs which became difficult to manage, and was also on a steep hill!

yes, my move which will happen at some date in the future, will be driven by my iffy knees and managing the stairs.

Alioop Fri 07-May-21 13:12:37

So, so sorry for your loss. My mum left my sis & I her house which I moved into when I got divorced. I found living in the house made me sad, even though I changed it all, I still expected to be walking in and my mum sitting there. I ended up and moved, broke my heart as it was our family home, we were the only family that ever lived in it. It was the best thing for me, I got a bungalow that suits just me and the dog. Memories go with you, they are all stored in your heart.