Longer term loss

There's a song in Les Mis that was a favourite until my son died. Now I can't bear to hear it because it has the line 'bring him home' and whenever I hear it I imagine my son being brought back from London to Buckinghamshire by the funeral directors. Of course it reduces me to tears. There are so many musical associations connected to my son that I couldn't put the radio on for years afterwards. Now I listen to Classic FM for safety. No connections there! Lol!

I still catch myself thinking ' I'll phone mum and ask her ...' Being an orphan at any age is still rubbishy! *nigglynellie xx

I think poems and songs quickly take us to very special memories - I think of my dad whenever I hear 'come on Eileen' - try to overlook the lyrics - this was the music to a 'last dance' I had with my dad. For my mum, anything by Nat King Cole. And for my daughter 'Don't Stop Me Now' by Queen - any of these played unexpectedly on the radio will easily bring tears and smiles too.

When my parents died a poem of the two rats (they weren't!) constantly went through my head. It goes like this.

He was a rat, and she was a rat,
and down in a hole they did dwell,
They were both as black as a witches cat,
and they loved each other well.

First he ventured out, then she ventured out,
and I watched them go with pain,
For where they went, I never could tell,
For they never came back again.

This never fails to bring tears.

I know what you mean nn. I have sometimes resented the very real physical, as well as emotional impact of grieving and felt from the outset that I mustn't let it defeat me or define me, but we all grieve differently and how we cope depends on a variety of factors, including the support we receive and other demands upon us. I was able to go gently at first, which was very helpful to me, but within a year I had completely thrown myself into a full-on new career, training to be a teacher whilst still a single parent to three other grieving 'children'.

Looking back, I don't feel I had the time or the energy to grieve very much, but I think the work of grieving does need to happen. My daughter died on an August bank holiday weekend so I have always been on holiday at the time of her anniversary and for the first few years it really hit me hard each time - the greyness descending almost as soon as I singed off from work in July - possibly because I didn't have much time to reflect during the rest of the year. That is getting better nine years on ... the bleak days are fewer and more confined to the week or so before the anniversary, - but not a 'choice' on my part. I just feel like I have been run over by a truck for a few days every year.

I think grief does need to be managed, not given in to, but it is not something we can control, so much as endure and try to move through in positive ways. Not everyone has the emotional strength or support to do that - I feel I have been very fortunate to make a good life beyond losing my daughter. I didn't expect to, but I know she would be pleased for me. xx

Thank you for your very kind words, and hugs for you too,imperfect27. I'm sure all these threads are really helpful to every one who has experienced deep sorrow. As someone said, you never get over the death of someone you deeply love, you just learn to live with it. I've found that grief has a habit of jumping out and smacking you when least expected. I've coped by being quite severe with grief and very firmly putting it back in its box. This works (sometimes!)for me, but I know not for everyone.

nigglynellie how sad for your family. No parent expects to outlive their child, but I am learning through the years that we keep them very close in our hearts. We inevitably think of what might / should have been as we come across significant anniversaries and landmark events and it must be particularly poignant for you aunt to be without her son in her later years. I have been so sad that my DD is not here to be 'auntie' to my little GS. Sending (((hugs))) and

I've already posted, so forgive me, but I just want to say, what wonderful poems, so poignant and very moving. My beloved cousin died of melanoma eleven years ago aged 53 ten years younger than me, and it was just horrible. His parents were completely shell shocked, he was, as they say, their beautiful boy. His father is now dead and his mother 91 and mourns him everyday. I have tears in my eyes writing this. It's sometimes so difficult to make sense of a loved ones death.

Thank you downtoearth. We had Evelyn's ashes interred and her headstone includes the inscription 'Love you forever' from the book of the same name - a family favourite.

Over the years I have gone to Evie's grave less and less. I feel she is 'not there' and apart from keeping it tidy, I am more inclined to keep flowers at home.

However, I always have the sense of a place to go. It must be so difficult not to have that. Hugs ((( )))

That is beautiful imperfect the last line shows of the longing for her to open the door and walk in a feeling all on this thread know only too well.I am visiting my friend in Essex today so I am able to take flowers for Kate and mum,Cheryl's ashes where scattered as where my dad's, we have added dad's name to mums headstone,I have nowhere for Cheryl, which makes me sad,we did try to find out where on her 10th anniversary but all records had been destroyed.

Beautiful poems. Thank you for sharing them TwiceAsNice and downtoearth.

I wrote this a few days before the 7th anniversary of losing Evelyn.

Too Much Time

It's too long since I last heard your laughter,
Saw your smile and the light in your eye,
Too much time since you met with disaster
And you left without saying goodbye.

I take time to buy you some flowers,
Light a candle and watch at the door,
Though many times I have realised
You won't come home any more.

Too much time has passed since I held you
Too much time since I last waved goodbye,
Too much time since we held one another,

All the time in the world just to cry.

I don't know where it comes from, but sometimes poetry helps ...
xx

Twice it helps in some small way dosent it to know that our children are helping in small way to further medical knowledge so that others can benefit.
In the late 90's information was given out about the retention of body tissues and parts kept for medical science without parents permission,I contacted the organisation that where dealing with this and found that this was the case after cheryl's death,and I had no knowlege of this,I was shocked and upset and angry.but when I spoke to the oganisation they explained that she was helping others and if I chose to withdraw my permission there would be special procedures used to destroy the tissue respectfully,I decided to let them keep the samples etc to help gain knowledge.

your tribute to your son is from the heart and it comforts us to think we will meet again dosent it...we cope because we have too dont we it is amazing the courage ill children show isnt it and the trust that they place in adults to make them well,they are the true heros xxx

Downto Earth that is really lovely, so poignant to write about a beloved child. I am full of admiration for you however did you deal with it more than once. I wrote a poem in memory of my son just after he died.

Lightof my life
Flower in my soul
Special to others, never more mine to hold
Lord grant him peace and keep him safe
He is forever in our hearts
Until we meet again for all eternity

He was in Great Ormond Street Hosp for a bone marrow transplant which didn't work it was groundbreaking at the time and risky but he would have died anyway without it so no choice. I kept a diary of everything that happened and his daily drugs as a resource for the medical staff, they use it to help train doctors and nurses I'm very proud of that. The poem is at the end of the diary as a tribute to his courage

Twice that is a beautiful poem,and you are right we are in a club no one wants to join ,and we didnt join through choice,when my infant daughter died was totally different from when my middle daughter died.No one knew how to deal with it so "crossed over" to avoid me as I came out of hospital with empty arms,she stayed in hosptial for all of her tiny life.

I wrote a poem for her For Cheryl 15.9.78-03.11.78

The angels watched as you where born
And said this child is ours
Soon we will take her to play
In Gods garden of beautiful flowers
They let me keep you for a while
To know your face
To know your smile
But very soon there came the day
When the angels came to say
Now is the time to come and play
In Gods garden of beautiful flowers

Kates death was very different,very public,a complex suspicious death with many still unanswered questions,it was in the papers and everyone knew,and couldnt wait "To be involved" thrill seekers,we held a massive memorial for her in celebration of her life 300 balloons of all colours released in the town square where the church was, there where many people she was well known and liked, a beautiful free spirit ,we had to wait 11 months for her funeral,3 years for a court case to be heard,3 years for the coroners court,and I spent 6years fighting for custody of E in the high court,the coroners verdict was suicide with the rider that she took her own life whilst experiencing violence and mental abuse.

I havent witten a tribute for kate but do my level best to look after her legacy to me the child she stayed with the father for,and literally gave her life for,so that she would have better.This is my tribute to Kate.

Katherine Marie 05.06.80-03-01-04.

I am so glad this thread is able to bring us together in celebrating our children no longer with us.
My closest friend whose children grew up alongside mine,has no idea of the pain I feel when sharing her daughters achievements and life and sharing and closeness,I am glad for her but it hurts..and I absolutely would be anywhere on my own on mothers day and so would E,that day is harder than the anniversary..

Bless you all..

TwiceAsNice. how right you are, hugs and

You are welcome synonymous thank you for responding and for my flowers. Your grief doesn't get any less your life's grows bigger around it, and that life is different from before. You are not the same person after the death of a child, a part of you dies with them.

twice that is a beautiful poem, thank you so much for sharing it. comfort and blessings to all those who mourn.

Imperfect and downto Earth thank you for your comments I'm sorry for your loss, we belong to a club nobody wants to join!

This is a poem read out by my vicar at the time for my sons funeral, it's always given me comfort I hope it helps a bit.

Gods Lent Child

I'll lend you for a little while
A child of mine God said
For you to love the while he lives ( or she)
And mourn for when he's dead
It may be six or seven years
Or forty two or three
But will you till I call him back
Take care of him for me

He,ll bring his charms to gladden you
And should his stay be brief
You,ll always have your memories
As a solace for your grief
I cannot promise he will stay
Since all from Earth return
But there are lessons taught below
I want this child to learn

I've looked this whole world over
In my search for teachers true
And from the ones that crowd life's lanes
I have chosen you
Now will you give him all your love
Nor think the labour vain
Nor hate me when I come to take
This lent child back again

I will I thought I heard them say
Dear Lord thy will be done
For all the joys this child will bring
The risk of grief we'll run
We'll shelter him with tenderness
We'll love him while we may
And for the happiness we've known
Forever grateful stay

But should the Angels take him
Much sooner than we planned
We'll brave t he bitter grief that comes
And try to understand

I would rather to have had my lovely little son for the time I had him than not have had him at all

to all those who have lost children. I can't imagine how terrible the pain of such a loss must be, no matter what age they were.

My mother in law lost a son when he was 6 weeks old and told me she was never allowed to talk about him. As a result , she never managed to deal with her grief. In her last year of life as she became more unwell and confused, she talked about him incessantly. It seemed to give her some relief to be able to name him without being told to stop.

Hi again Imperfect 27. Thanks for your understanding. Unfortunately I rarely see my DGDs ,not because anyone prevents that, but because they live 300 miles away in Wales, They returned here for a few days after Christmas ,staying with my SIL's Mum . I and my DD here were lucky enough to see them for 4 hours before they had to leave back for Wales as my SIL had to return to work, That was their first trip back here since Christmas 2013!
I intend to do my best to get to see them sometime this year,but it' s a case of fitting in with their work,school holidays etc and other family members who all want to visit as they live near St,Davids -a lovely holiday destination!
Mollie I feel for you so much. not even knowing why you lost your son must be so agonising. I can't even say that time heals because I know too well that it never will completely.

Imperfect27, my son died in strange circumstances - in a recording studio in Soho with his band. He literally dropped dead. He and the band were getting to be well known in the Camden area of London, something he loved! When he died people came to his funeral and talked about a man I didn't know and shared lots of photographs that I'd never seen before. To them he was a 'rock hero' (albeit a very minor one, lol!) and I still get emails from people who knew him and still talk about him and his music. But to me he was someone different - a quiet, thoughtful lad etc. - and after a while I found their stories hard to hear and their video clips difficult to watch. Boys that I knew as spotty teenagers dosing down on my floor are now in their mid-30s with children and having a lovely time. I suppose all bereaved parents have the same feelings - why isn't my lad doing what they're doing, or your daughter in your case. I've also struggled with understanding why he died - one of those Sudden Adult Deaths that you hear about. A few years ago they quoted a tally of 8 such deaths of young adults every week - I think that's why anniversaries and birthdays vary, I've not really accepted the circumstances and still chew it over at times.

Sorry, rattled on...

Dear trendygran and mollie, thank you for your posts. Despite belonging to a bereavement forum for seven years, I have not had a lot of contact with other people who have lost a child (no matter what the age).

trendygran, it is good to know that over time your SIL has found new happiness. How lovely and reassuring for you that your GC are growing up in a warm and loving home where the memory of your daughter will be honoured. But also very poignant for you. Have you been very involved as a GP and is this changing for you as they settle into being a new family?

To face all this pain alone is very hard. I was divorced when my daughter died and had been single for six years. It is very hard to have no-one to grieve alongside. No-one else can understand what you have lost.

Mollie, I find contact with my daughter's peer group very difficult. Her childhood sweetheart always leaves a valentine on her grave - I struggle a bit with this to be honest. When it was her 21st birthday, some of her friends left cards and messages which were very touching, but also a reminder to me that they are living life to the full and that brings home the loss so much more at times.

As mothers, I think we simply carry the loss of our children, in the same space that we carried the mother-daughter / son bond over the years. I have found the arrival of my first GC - a little boy- very comforting - not healing, but I am aware of a joy that I did not expect and a love I did not expect that come from this same source.. For this I am very grateful.

Hugs to you both.

This year will be the 12th anniversary of losing my son. Last year was hard, harder than the year before for some reason. Not sure there was a particular reason - some birthdays are tougher than others too. He is mentioned and we do the 'do you remember...' And 'Wonder what...' But I think mums feel the loss more for obvious reasons. I bump into his friends sometimes and can't help feeling hurt that they are getting on with their lives and he isn't. As you can see, there are a fair number of us who understand your loss and pain - as I was once told, it doesn't get better it just gets different.

Hello Imperfect27. I fully understand your feelings on longer term loss and bereavement. Next month will be the 6th Anniversary of losing my younger daughter to suicide as a result of Serious Post Natal problems ,not properly treated in Wales. She was 33 and left a wonderful husband and daughters aged 4 and 2.
Each year seems harder and harder and I am very aware also that my elder daughter received no official help on the loss of her much loved 'little sister'.
The only thing now keeping me going is that my SIL (will always think of him as that) now has a very nice new partner who loves my DGGs as her own, and they are growing up in a loving and caring home. They both have a photo of their mummy in their bedrooms and still talk about her with my SIL . My heart will never heal fully ,especially as I also lost my DH very suddenly 16 months earlier.

Hello Imperfect27. I fully understand your feelings on longer term loss and bereavement. Next month will be the 6th Anniversary of losing my younger daughter to suicide as a result of Serious Post Natal problems ,not properly treated in Wales. She was 33 and left a wonderful husband and daughters aged 4 and 2.
Each year seems harder and harder and I am very aware also that my elder daughter received no official help on the loss of her much loved 'little sister'.
The only thing now keeping me going is that my SIL (will always think of him as that) now has a very nice new partner who loves my DGGs as her own, and they are growing up in a loving and caring home. They both have a photo of their mummy in their bedrooms and still talk about her with my SIL . My heart will never heal fully ,especially as I also lost my DH very suddenly 16 months earlier.

Yes, thank you ... I was very aware, when my daughter died, that there was very little support for her siblings as they were older. Had they been children, it would have been different, but once seen as adults - one was 18 and another 20 at the time, then the support seemed to be limited to a GP recommended counsellor, who was not skilled in bereavement counselling / Cruse, who had a very long waiting list at the point of need. And there is very little literature to help. The 20-year-old was at university at the time and made use of the chaplaincy service which was a help to her. The 18 year old didn't find the GP counsellor helpful and just 'got on with it.'

If any one knows of any helpful organisations / publications then perhaps you can post about them.

Thanks again to all who have expressed such loving kindness .