No Funeral

SueDonim

Perhaps I'll have to have a test-run first!

We had a wicker coffin for my uncle. My DD said it sounded as if someone was carrying a picnic basket, but we didn't mind, we had organised the service ourselves and it just added to the informal nature of the event. My uncle loved trees and The Woodland Trust was our chosen charity for donations. He would have been delighted to know that no trees were felled to make his coffin.

Ana a friend recently went to a funeral where the coffin was wicker. It kept creaking and people had a bit of trouble keeping a straight face at the squeaks and groans that accompanied the service. The subject of the funeral would have had a good laugh at it, too apparently!

When my husband died I believe the service did help with the process of bereavement. We followed his wishes and no-one dressed in black, the songs were his favourite pop songs with readings of comedy poems from family members. The vicar was a family friend who spoke the eulogy that I had written. As well as his large family and local friends, friends he met in his teens and many of his colleagues attended. We had a "wake" afterwards in a local social club. He would have been pleased with how it went.

Ana Prices do vary around the country. The small independent undertaker I work for charges fees of £1,600 which include collecting the deceased assuming not more than 20 miles away, caring for them, use of chapel of rest for family, provision of bearers, a basic oak veneered coffin and a hearse to the crematorium. Crem fees vary but our local one is £806 for off peak times.

I will go for a green burial, which will be a bit dearer - about £950 pluss undertaker as above, at today's rate, for my nearest one, plus a bit extra for a tree planted in a nearby copse, in my name.

Tanith nothing I said was aimed at you, but if your family are at one with you, just leave the decision about the disposal of your remains to them to decide when the occasion arises. Even if after you are gone they do a complete volte-face and decide to do the full East London funeral with glass sided horse drawn hearse, multiple floral tributes etc etc, you will not be around to know.

I am leaving all decisions about what to do with my remains and my possessions to my children who will be making them, that way they will not be burdened by any feelings of disloyalty when they do not do what I had indicated I wanted to be done.

starbird, that seems awfully cheap! Funerals in my area cost around £3,000 - £4,000 without flowers. It can pay to shop around, and of course the price of coffins varies enormously.

I'll opt for a wicker casket, I think.

I can't say that I'm bothered one way or another what happens to me when I'm gone (which I hope will be a good while in the future!), my family can do what suits them.

I've been to a few funerals and I find they allow me to draw a line under the life of the person who has died. I have found solace in the company of others who also loved the person, the shared memories.

For those of you planning to leave bodies to science, my daughter is a trainee medic. Her university holds a memorial service for the anatomy specimens that the students have worked on, to give thanks for their generosity and to bid them farewell. Relatives can attend; some do, some don't.

rubylady. A local family undertaker is usually the best option and they all arrange prepaid plans - you can pay in instalments or a lump sum which is guarranteed to cover the basics regardless of inflation - undertaker fees, hearse, coffin and cremation, you're looking at about £2,500. Flowers etc extra

My mother and father loved visiting us when we lived in Plymouth. My dad decided to scatter mum's ashes on Dartmoor but wanted to do this alone. He duly came back and said she was at rest. Fourteen years later, after he died, we found her (ashes) in the wardrobe! We could just imagine her saying "trust him, to leave me in the wardrobe". We had to see the funny side, in fact her ashes were decanted by the undertaker and buried with my dad.

My aunt, who died earlier this year wanted just her husband at her funeral or if he had died first them just the niece she helped bring up. This didn't happen, it was a big funeral at the crematorium with a tea afterwards at their home. This is what my uncle wanted, to give everyone a chance to say goodbye. I'm still not sure about this as, like her, I don't want a big funeral, just very close family if they want to be there. How you can make sure your wishes are met I really don't know, I suppose you just have to trust those left to make the arrangements.

Well, that has been food for thought as I've been attempting to complete my will today. I've been prevaricating for long enough and it has to be done. I like the idea of an unattended cremation and my ashes given to my daughter to be scattered in a place I was extremely happy, - the Pyrenees or the Alps, with family and friends present. I don't want a funeral with all the expense and distress of organising that, but I think I should leave it to my only daughter to grieve as she feels the need at the time. I wouldn't want her to feel she was 'throwing me away', as I can see what a previous poster means by that.

Flossieturner and MOnica my sole intent on having no funeral was considering how our children and grandchildren would feel regarding a cremation ceremony, I do know they feel as I do that what I had in mind was less distressing for them all. The fact my OH doesn't agree is difficult for me but it will in the end be up to him to do as he wishes. It seems our children won't have a choice I was seeking to please everyone not deprive my OH of choice.

How right.

I don't think it is fair to try and control how people grieve and say goodbye. Make your wishes known gently, then let it go. It must be very upsetting for your husband that, in what we most likely be the worst time of his life, he will not have his own choice.

Once I am dead, I am dead. I couldn't care less what is done with my remains after I am gone - and even if I did leave detailed arrangements I would have no knowledge as to whether they were followed or not.

Funeral plans are for the living so that the potential deceased, can be happy in life thinking that they know what will happen to their corpse after they die, though, of course they have means of ensuring that.

Funerals are also for the living, the gathering together of all those brought together by their ties, family or personal, to the deceased. A group of people that have usually known each other over the years, but may never see each other again now the link has gone.

Yes, in my time, I have been to a number of dire funerals, but I have been to some fabulous ones, where we learnt more about the deceased in death than we ever did in life as a community of memories were shared. Funerals now are much more flexible. We have arranged and conducted several family funerals without any ministers, religious, humanist or any other 'ism', just us. I have been to funeral services without a body in any form and I have never been to a bad wake when everyone relaxes afterwards recalls happy memories and relaxes and looks forward to the rest of life.

As I understand it most undertakers will offer this service rubylady they will carry out your wishes whatever they are.

I would love a full funeral, church service, hymns, flowers, people wearing black and sobbing, but it isn't going to happen. My children do not believe in any religion and would not respect my wishes for a full funeral or agree with it while it was happening. Therefore, this option of cremation only seems a better alternative. I can pay for it myself, know what will happen, and even if I am on my own without being in contact with my children then I have peace of mind knowing that I will be sorted out.

There were people at my dad's funeral who didn't even know him. I don't want that. The rest hadn't seen him for over 15 years, I don't want that either.

Apparently, if I pay upfront to a plan for cremation only and then my circumstances change, say I meet someone or get married, then the money paid can be paid to a full funeral at the time. But as it is, as I am, on my own, I do think this is the way to go. I can sing as many hymns now, buy as many flowers now, rejoice in myself now.

My main worry would be for someone to say something religious at the time, maybe in the hospital or whatever. I will have to have a word with my vicar and see what the options are there. Then write out my will too. Then go on a cruise and meet a rich man!

Can anyone please give any names of cremation only companies?

I agree with trisher. Happened to have this conversation this week with someone.
To my mind, it is something that people[dead] do for the living.

I do think that if you are against funerals you should just hand the matter over to those who survive you. After all it won't be you doing the grieving and they may need something to help them cope.
If you know someone who has donated their body to medical research their are services held for them sometimes . An annual interdenominational thanksgiving service is held in the church near our university.

Thank you everyone for such differing opinions and ideas. My children know my wishes and would be happy to go along with my wishes and they agree it would make things easier for them but they won't go against OH's wishes, he is their step-dad but loved by them all so I think I'm just going to have to let him do whatever he needs to do but I shall make it clear to him that if anyone would prefer not to attend the funeral but take part in scattering the ashes he's not to make them feel bad about it.

I too hate funerals but I think people left behind do need them if only to give them a closing point
I don't care what they do with me I won't know anyway I ve bought my plot near my mum and dad it's a double so anyone wanting to come in with me is welcome I have put enough money by for a simple funeral I have told them I would prefer a cardboard casket but that horrifies my son so they ll have to do what they want with me I just hope they ll agree and not fall out over my stupid body I don't think there's anything after death but I ll be wonderfully surprised if there is although of course if I m not a true believer I guess they won't have me in even if I have tried to live a reasonable decent life I would love there to be an afterlife and know I was going to see mum and dad and grandparents again

I'm intending to leave my body to a medical school. I don't want a service of any form, I would prefer everyone to go out for a nice meal.
I hate the thought of a church service, I find crematorium services awful when that curtain closes.
If by any chance my body is rejected (!) then I want to go to the crematorium unaccompanied and my ashes scattered in the sea somewhere.
I guess I need to update my will asap!

My thought exactly now Tanith.

I have come across this idea of sending a body to the crem on their own and at first found it a very uncomfortable thought, it felt such an unkind, unloving gesture. The family I heard about was a small one and with some close friends, numbering about 10 of them held a non religious "service" at the funeral parlour's chapel and that was it. They hated crem services and watching the coffin disappear. But I have thought more about this and think this is the way I want to be treated now - but without the chapel even, just a good meal!

I have often been at wakes and looked around at all the family and friends gathered together and felt so sad that the departed one wasn't amongst us to enjoy seeing us all together for them - it's strange how so many manage to drop everything to attend at short notice, but may not have found time to visit for years. I think it is more important to hold big parties to mark special birthdays rather than large wakes. (It can be a case of no presents but guests helping to contribute to the food/drink if money is tight) Then organising a family outing to scatter the ashes at a later date - perhaps on a birthday, is so much more meaningful and can be a happier occasion to remember the good times.

But I'm not sure I would override OH's wishes if he couldn't go along with this. He'll be the one who will have to cope in his own way. The question now is could I override his wishes is he wished to follow the traditional way?

Hello every one
It's what you believe I think, I believe when your dead your gone so
Why do people want to come and say good bye your not saying goodbye
To that person you once knew but to an empty shell

When my mother died none was of her children went to the funeral that's the
Same with all people who have died in my family.

If I die before my husband I want the cheapest possible I don't want him to come
i love him to bits and would not want to put him through that misery he feels
The same.
its differient if you have beliefs that's another thing all together.

Aggie, my friends husband left his body to science, someone came from somewhere, took what was wanted and left Bill where he was. My friend then had to arrange something totally off the cuff. Have plan B!
Esspee, my father didn't stipulate where he wanted to be scattered, my mother couldn't make up her mind. She said that without a destination with meaning it felt as if she would be just throwing him away. He's in the wardrobe now, wailing for her. We'll do something with both of them together when the time comes.
I always say hello to him when I arrive for a visit.
I think that if you leave instructions then it makes it easier for your loved ones. We had none so all sorts of decisions were made a little more difficult. It's a shame if what you want is not what the family wants but, hey, you won't know what they do will you?