No Funeral

You've really set me thinking tanith This is something I've never contemplated.
I don't think I could over ride H. We are in agreement that we both want to be cremated not buried. If there was some detail he'd asked for that I wasn't happy with I'd have to comply I think because it would be the last thing I was able to do for him.
As for the funeral being an upsetting experience for your loved ones, I think the scattering would have the same effect. They will be saying goodbye to you there and isn't that what a funeral is all about?

Hello Tanith,
I wasn't allowed to my grandmother's funeral. This has lived with me forever. I think the funeral is actually for those left behind and not really for the deceased. Given this I made sure my children were involved in my parents funeral and they helped choose "special" flowers, and we talked about the service.
Those who were old enough (they were aged 1 up to age 12) remember the funeral as a day where they were made a big fuss of. I think they felt special as friends and family saw a little bit of my parents living on in them.
I have asked my children about this since. None of them seem to have had problems with it or felt troubled about it and those with children say they would want them to be there.
I would specify cremation or burial and leave it at that!

Funerals are for those left behind to say their goodbyes and get some form of closure.
Because of a family dispute ( late sisters partner) my mother and I werent allowed to go to my sisters funeral, its been 19 years now and Ive had no closure!
My grandchildren were teenagers when their grandad died and he didnt want them to see him suffering so were not allowed to go to the hospice to see him. They needed to go to his funeral, a celebration of his life to get closure.

I certainly don't want any sort of funeral for myself or my H. I have held these views for a long time. At my age I have been to many funerals where I have listened to eulogies and wondered if I was in the wrong church or crematorium. Some Priests or Vicars speak so impersonally about the person and the few people singing hymns has been uncomfortable to say the least. I just want my family to remember me in their own way and they don't need a service to do that.

I'm not absolutely sure, but I don't think your wishes as regards funeral/no funeral are binding even if you put them in your will.

They aren't, I am relying on my D to carry out my wishes.

I have made it clear that I wish to be cremated without a funeral. The family can do what they like with my ashes - whatever suits them. I won't be around to be upset!

Thanks all, food for thought I will come back later but am on my way out to dinner just now..

No formal funeral for me either- and I trust OH and DDs to respect that.

I have told my OH that I don't want any type of service, just to be cremated. I'm like annsixty, have often sat there listen to someone talking about the deceased and thinking to myself that they obviously didn't know them.

My wishes are also for no funeral for myself, I have felt like this for a long time. My DH says that I am being selfish as it would be for those left behind. I would prefer my family and friends to just have a party,it would be great if I could be taken off to be cremated by the undertaker to the strains of "wish me luck as you wave me goodbye!" Then my ashes scattered somewhere lovely. I hate going to funerals where people turn up who never visited the person when they were alive, I work with older people and see this a lot, people should give their time, consideration and support to others when they and their family can benefit from it

I feel the same way about funerals as some of you I just loathe them and I'm sure if my family get together informally to scatter the ashes somewhere we have all spent time together and then a meal or drink together will be so much more 'me' than dressing up for a formal service where they will meet both family and friends they haven't seen for years, if ever and who really don't know me at all.

I just don't think I can go against OH's wishes when he feels so strongly about it.

Until GN this is something I had not heard of, as in 'no funeral'.
How would it work for a burial?
I can understand that the ashes can be given to family afterwards
The scattering of the ashes would be a service in itself.
but if only the undertakers attended the burial then there would be no closure for the family.
Does anyone know of a family who didn't actually have funeral for thier loved one?

Just don't get the idea that you need to 'see the body into the ground' to have 'closure'. Why?

Cherrytree59 how would a family scattering ashes constitute a service? My idea of a service would be with either some kind of religious/celebrant being present to lead proceedings, this would not be the case. The family would just gather somewhere of their choosing and scatter the ashes no one would have to speak unless they really wanted to say something.
I'm not having a burial so that I cannot any advice about although I do agree with granjura.

I hate funerals too but as it's not going to bother me I guess people can do whatever feels best for them when it comes to it.

My Sister has donated her body to science ...... nothing to bury ! The rest of us are quite sorry about this , but who is to say we will be around to worry about it !

tanith- a religious service is wonderful for anyone who has faith. Most of the funerals we've attended in last few years were religious- but for friends and fymily who were NOT religious and would have cringed and more had they been there- and makes me so uncomfortable. I know I won't be there, but I really don't want all this religious stuff I truly do NOT believe in and songs with words that mean nothing to me at all... nor to my OH and DDs and family- and most of my friends.

My DD is an Independent Celebrant who on average conducts 3 funerals a week. The format is entirely the 'customers' choice, be that the bereaved or the 'deceased' themselves. DD has met with several people who knowing their time was short have planned their own funeral right down to the music, flowers and what is to be said. Funerals vary from the very formal, traditional, through forest, ashes at sea, etc to very informal or non-funerals. Locally, the nearest crematorium is nearly an hour away and many people do not want to subject mourners to this journey so sometimes there is a short ceremony in a funeral parlour or local hall or hotel, perhaps followed by a lunch or funeral tea, while the undertakers take the coffin to the crematorium themselves or perhaps accompanied by a couple of mourners or just the celebrant.
Sometimes the timing is reversed there is a cremation with no ceremony in the morning followed by the service in the afternoon.

There is a legal (Public Health) requirement that a body is either buried or cremated but no stipulation that there has to be any ceremony. Undertakers will treat the deceased with dignity and respect even if no one else is present. Quite a few people opt for no ceremony on the cremation or burial day and have a memorial dinner or service/ceremony at a later date, some have a scattering of ashes or a wee ceremony when ashes are buried in a family grave. I know one family, from all corners of the UK, who meet each year and climb the hill where their loved ones ashes are scattered.

Personally, I think a scattering of ashes, on a nice day in a lovely place or at the seaside would be far less traumatic, especially for children than travelling miles to an impersonal crematorium or standing at a graveside in the pouring rain.

I do agree that funerals of whatever kind are for the living . And they arent necessarily impersonal .
My brother died recently, cruelly young, six brief months after diagnosis .
Over 200 people attended his funeral . Various family members and friends ,myself included, contributed to the eulogy and the clergyman read it out . The singing was amazing (Welsh ). A friend's daughter sang a solo . To see the love and respect which so many people had for him was a great consolation to his widow, stepsons , grandchildren , me and my children, his adored nieces .He always said (jokingly )he wanted a row of sobbing women dressed in black at his funeral. It was deeply meaningful and quite cathartic . I'm with your husband on this one .

Aggie, my friends husband left his body to science, someone came from somewhere, took what was wanted and left Bill where he was. My friend then had to arrange something totally off the cuff. Have plan B!
Esspee, my father didn't stipulate where he wanted to be scattered, my mother couldn't make up her mind. She said that without a destination with meaning it felt as if she would be just throwing him away. He's in the wardrobe now, wailing for her. We'll do something with both of them together when the time comes.
I always say hello to him when I arrive for a visit.
I think that if you leave instructions then it makes it easier for your loved ones. We had none so all sorts of decisions were made a little more difficult. It's a shame if what you want is not what the family wants but, hey, you won't know what they do will you?

Hello every one
It's what you believe I think, I believe when your dead your gone so
Why do people want to come and say good bye your not saying goodbye
To that person you once knew but to an empty shell

When my mother died none was of her children went to the funeral that's the
Same with all people who have died in my family.

If I die before my husband I want the cheapest possible I don't want him to come
i love him to bits and would not want to put him through that misery he feels
The same.
its differient if you have beliefs that's another thing all together.

My thought exactly now Tanith.

I have come across this idea of sending a body to the crem on their own and at first found it a very uncomfortable thought, it felt such an unkind, unloving gesture. The family I heard about was a small one and with some close friends, numbering about 10 of them held a non religious "service" at the funeral parlour's chapel and that was it. They hated crem services and watching the coffin disappear. But I have thought more about this and think this is the way I want to be treated now - but without the chapel even, just a good meal!

I have often been at wakes and looked around at all the family and friends gathered together and felt so sad that the departed one wasn't amongst us to enjoy seeing us all together for them - it's strange how so many manage to drop everything to attend at short notice, but may not have found time to visit for years. I think it is more important to hold big parties to mark special birthdays rather than large wakes. (It can be a case of no presents but guests helping to contribute to the food/drink if money is tight) Then organising a family outing to scatter the ashes at a later date - perhaps on a birthday, is so much more meaningful and can be a happier occasion to remember the good times.

But I'm not sure I would override OH's wishes if he couldn't go along with this. He'll be the one who will have to cope in his own way. The question now is could I override his wishes is he wished to follow the traditional way?

I'm intending to leave my body to a medical school. I don't want a service of any form, I would prefer everyone to go out for a nice meal.
I hate the thought of a church service, I find crematorium services awful when that curtain closes.
If by any chance my body is rejected (!) then I want to go to the crematorium unaccompanied and my ashes scattered in the sea somewhere.
I guess I need to update my will asap!