Taking it in their stride

Children can be so wonderfully matter of fact about life and death! My youngest granddaughter had no hesitation, aged 6 at the time, in telling me she wouldn't be inviting me to her wedding as I'd most certainly be dead by then! Her older sister on the other hand, less of a pragmatist and more of a tender heart, was slightly teary at this point in the conversation. As, I must admit, was I!

On a similar theme - my DGD (6), was found sobbing over a photo of herself as a baby. When asked what the matter was, she said that she was sad because she would never be a baby again - an interesting take on mortality and the first real emergence of that understanding. I told her that she was a lovely baby and is now a lovely girl and has lots of exciting changes ahead before she becomes a grown up.

We had a thread last year about funerals ( in all their manifestations) which I found very interesting because after all........nobody gets out alive.

Glad that all went well,( some funerals are better than others, obviously) and the children are fine Nankate

Morethan

Children sees things differently from us Morethan. Our 4 year old GS said to DH at the weekend. 'when you die Grandad can I have your mobile phone'

My MiL died 10 days ago. I had my three grandchildren and their cousin in the car when they decided to chat about it. One asked "what happens at a funeral?" while I tried to think of a sympathetic reply their 7 year old cousin told them very matter a factly " well they put your body in a box then take you to a nice place were people say lovely things about you, somtimes they read out a letter and sing songs. Then they have a party." My grandsons asked "why can't we go to the party?" Only to be told he couldn't. He then promptly asked me if he could come to my party when I died. I told him he could. He said "well you better write out the invitation now because otherwise they might not be allowed if I didn't. He wasn't in the least perturbed at my future demise. I too send my condolences to all those who grieve. Horrible isn't it.

Thanks radicalnan

Well said Queenie you summed it up perfectly.

for Lynne how sad for you losing your dad hope you are coping. 90 was a good age but whenever our loved ones die it is too soon. My dear dad died in 1988 but I never feel he has left me.

When we went to the committal after the funeral the church yard was covered in a white frost, the birds were singing and the scene looked magical. We were invited to throw beautiful red roses all over the coffin. A fitting end to someone who loved nature so much.

I'm glad to hear it all went well for the family. It sounds like a fitting celebration of a life well lived. Sometimes there's something about children at a funeral that just reminds everyone of the natural order of things. For many children the loss of a much loved grandparent is their first experience of death. Experiencing that in the context of a loving family where they are able to be part of both the sadness of a death and the celebration of a life can lay the foundations for how they cope with losses in later life.

I am so glad the funeral went well........for you all.

My darling Dad died last Friday at the grand age of 90. His GGD aged 3 and a half has been told he was very old and poorly and has gone to the moon where we can wave at him. She cried and then asked if he had taken the dog. I texted a picture of the dog but she was sad that the dog was by herself so I had to send a photo of dog with Great Grandma. Then Tilly asked if Great Grandad had taken his clothes in a suitcase .....
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Thanks to Kitty, Roses, Anya, Shysal, Brenda and all the other kind GNetters who posted such helpful and supportive messages today.

IMO the funeral was wonderful, a Requiem Mass with the bells, incense and lots of joyful singing and music. My eldest GS turned to look at me during the service with tears running down his face, other than that he was fine. He and his brother cruised the buffet, ran up and down the hall and generally let rip after sitting quietly for the one and a half hour service.

20 of us went out for supper in the evening and gave Sue a great send off, which she richly deserved.

Thanks to you all

My older (half)sister wasn't told her mother had died for six months. Her mother was supposed to be away on holiday and my 4yo sister kept asking when she would be back.

Contrast that with my two grandchildren, aged 3 & 6. Our little cat died last year. The GC said they were very sad about it, then the older one said 'Buried or burnt?' I must have looked a bit bemused as my son quickly jumped in and said 'They're just asking what happened to the body, they're interested in death at the moment.' I thought it was a very good attitude that they're so pragmatic about it.

I hope the funeral went as well as it could in the circumstances, Nankate.

Thank goodness things have changed and we now see the need to explain things to children
So many of us older folks were scarred by things not being spoken of.

First Funeral I attended was my Grampa's, I was 11, it prepared my for the loss of my DGF when I was 16. My Granma & Granny died went I was younger, I was aware but little was said. My DF died when I was 23 which was sad but not unexpected.

My DGS wasn't quite 3 when my DH died, his beloved Gramps, my DD talked to him & he still remembers Gramps now (he will be 7 in March). The other day at swimming he was talking about Granddads with a friend, DGS promptly informed his friend that Gramps was dead - bit of a conversation stopper but pure honesty.

I wear 2 gold chains & last year DGS asked me why I wear 2 chains, I told him one is mine & other belonged to Gramps, his response "are you looking after it for him", I confirmed I am - he's happy. DD also has a photo of myself & DH at the top of her stairs which he sees every day.

Best policy is to be honest & age appropriate with small children, they will ask questions but also accept honest answers, don't ever make it impossible to talk about their loss, it can be hard when you're grieving but children are curious. As far as my DGS is concerned Gramps is in Heaven & watching over him.

for those dealing with loss in their family

Hello Kate.
Children are very resilient. As long as you talk to them in a calm way and answer questions they just except death. They are with loving Grandparents, so I'm sure they will be fine. It is important to talk about the other Grandma as often as they mention her. You sound as if you are both giving your D-I-L lots of support. She must be very sad. Thinking of you all.
Brenda

My baby brother died, aged two and a half when I was 6. I was never actually told that it had happened but recall finding my mum in tears quite often and being told off for asking why. We did visit the grave every Friday after school to replace the flowers so I imagine I just put two and two together.

My mother died when I was 14 and wasn't allowed to go to the funeral, I am 67 and still haunted.

I think as the years have gone on attitudes have changed, or I hope so nelliemaggs, that was a truly horrific experience, so sad. My mother in law died in South Wales 33 years ago, our sons were 8 and 5. The tradition in her village was for women not to go to the crematorium, often a service was held in the home. Her funeral was in her local Church followed by the crematorium where I and my sister in law were the only women in attendance, there were many disapproving looks. We were persuaded it was not the right thing for our sons to attend either so they stayed with a friend's gentle and kind parents locally before coming to a family members home afterwards. We have always regretted that they didn't come with us, both as adults have asked why and there isn't really an answer other than we were swayed by people older than ourselves and it was the way of the time in the area and perhaps elsewhere. Beliefs and traditions do move on. Kate's grandchildren are being supported and included and that feels so much better for everyone, my thoughts have been with them today.

Really sad story Nelliemaggs x