Bereavement

Going into my fifth year of widowhood after fourty five years of not all togeather married bliss, in fact we should really have gone our separate ways years before, but we stuck it out. I thought things would get easier, moved nearer our children made a really good life for my self, but all l want is him. I don’t carry any guilt but the sadness for what could, should have been in our marriage is palpable. I struggle, but move forward, l hope maybe to find someone else to give all this caring, loving too but not holding my breathe. It’s a good job none tells you how it will be. Just need to verbalise.

Do get out and meet people if you can I do know our hard this can be. But with time your pain will lesion and you will be able to remember the happy days with out the hurt. My loving thoughts are with you.

Annray, you must have time to grieve, and everyone is different. Some people see it as a sign of weakness if they're not able to get " back to normal" quite quickly. Others sometimes don't share their grief with other family members for fear of upsetting them. There's also a situation where someone may have nursed the person who has died ( especially in the case of parents who've had a long illness), and people can seem a wee bit uncaring , when they know it's been very hard work for the bereaved.I've done bereavement counselling in the past, and it's never too late to get help, so I'd suggest you contact CRUSE or get your GP to refer you.

It will be 14 years on the 23may for me and I still grieve

I lost my husband eight years ago. I still miss him very much and shed a few tears most days. I just have to get on with life.I walk my dog I help out neighbours when needed,and babysit the grandchildren now and again.I guess TV is my main company and I also enjoy doing puzzles. When I look at people I know who have failed marriages, and my first marriage was a failure too,I realise how lucky I was that my second husband took on my two sons as his own and they loved him dearly.Life could have been so much worse.Love to you Anray xxx

I am a volunteer facilitator with Grief Journey UK for a local bereavement support group in Somerset. We use the experience of Dr Bill Webster who has dedicated his life to this issue after his own sudden bereavement.The greater the love, the deeper the loss. Grief does not lessen, you just learn to grow around it.The main thing is to not feel you have to "get over it" Bill says "You get through the grief" big difference.
We are hoping to launch it as a charity or CIC and get groups going across the country, there are only a few at the moment and there is a big need. The 'D' word is still not talked about enough. griefjourney.co.uk/

I'm stuck too. Two years also. Do you put on a brave face too? I never thought emotional pain could feel so physical. X

My heart goes out to you with the loss of your husband. I don't think that with such a huge loss you would ever get over it. Maybe in time you might learn to live with it. Different thing all together. Three years it would still be so fresh. Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself and biggest hugs from me.

Coming up to the second anniversary for my DH. I feel for you, Annray, it is so hard trying to make a life without the one person you want to be with you.

Apparently it takes a month for every year to at least get past it a little. Give yourself time. Go to a grief counsellor. Get a hobby or do volunteer work. There is a group called Meet Up and they are all over the country. They do all sorts of things like going out to Galleries going out for dinner or lunch. Most people are single so its fine. People are of all different ages and backgrounds. There are holiday companies for single travellers.Eg Solo Holidays Just You and One Traveller ate the ones I've used. Go for it.

Annray, I think it's pretty safe to say there is no 'cure' ever. My regular ache has gone from unbearable to mildly benign and that's been for many years now. However, I would say that my present life is in no way awful. It's just not what I had hoped for........ Hang on in there. At least we have had the joy of deeply good partnerships. I wish you well.

I make sure I speak to someone everyday. If I have nothing arranged then I just go shopping or to the library or chat to a neighbour or the postman etc. Not so easy, I know, if someone is housebound. A pet is always a great companion, I find, and I spend my life emailing or taking online surveys or reading a good book or doing crosswords or other puzzles. I live alone but I'm out three nights running this week and then my daughter is coming round to watch Eurovision with me another day. Life is really what you make it.

Do you have a local U3A? I have recommended them before because it's a wonderful organisation. Ours has nearly 1,000 members with about 60 different groups, so you would be sure to find something to interest you. Many ladies are in the same position, so would be very sympathetic and helpful. Our gardening group this morning had a lively chat and then a trip round the garden in the sunshine - guaranteed to raise your spirits. I'm in four groups altogether, so always kept busy. Hope this helps. I read somewhere that grief is like a scar which heals over, but every so often someone or something knocks the top off and it all hurts again.

To all who have lost someone very close ? Sunday's seem a lonely day to a lot of people especially if you don't drive as public transport is not as good and a lot of garden centres etc are out of the way .

Oh Annray, I'm so sorry. Someone else has said that three years is nothing compared with forty eight, the length of your marriage. You should just be kind to yourself and let yourself feel what you feel. We all react differently and it's all alright! Try to get out though or ring friends - they may not be aware that you still need a bit of propping up. But we all need that, so don't think you should be "getting over it" or anything like that. Do you have family nearby? Don't be brave, be honest! And keep coming back here - some posters will drive you mad but some will just make your day! God bless.

My husband of just over 53 years died just 8 months ago today. Most of the time I seem to be getting on with things OK, but then something will make me think of him, and things we did, or were going to do, and the tears come again. I have been told that time heals, but some things take more time than others. Hang in there, Annray.

I understand your plight.When I think back to that period I felt the same.One day however I felt an awakening and realised I had a life to live.I have since seen Son and daughter married without my husband.I have travelled Solo many times ,as I felt I would have to push myself further than I ever had to .I only say this to let you know looking back I feel my confidence has grown spurring me on to do more and more.I wish you all the best and would say also if there was something I would change its to seek counselling for impartial advice.Also although I have great friends and family I do feel more single friends would expand my social life.These of course are my experiences but I do wish you well and although you will always miss him,acceptance will come.Good luck with your future.

I am so sorry. Baby steps. Maybe join some groups, have WI in your village?

Annray - my husband died January 2016 so I do understand how you are feeling. I joined Jolly Dollies on line & we meet up every 4 weeks for lunch. Also look online for Way up which is for widows & widowers who also arrange local meets. I've made some lovely new friends through both groups. Do try them. Big hug from me to you x

I can't imagine how hard this is for you, Anray, but I hope all these helpful kind ladies have given you food for thought, and you will know that you are not alone. xx

It's not easy it takes time and sometimes you feel isolated and lonely, it comes over you suddenly. May be a piece of music, a meal you both enjoyed, some thing you both laughed about.
Having lost my son it has got easier he has been dad 10 years this September but it never goes away the sadness but you learn to cope.
He was very young your husband too.
Have you had counselling, it does help.

Sorry that life is so hard for you Annray , there are no easy words to offer but folk here have made some positive suggestions. I hope too that just sharing your thoughts has made you feel less alone. There's such a pressure to move on, as others have said I think it's more about adjusting to a different kind of life than the one you had with your much loved husband. It will be different but can, in time, still be a good life for you although as I write that I realise that may not be how you feel right now. 3 years is the blink of an eye in comparison to all the years you shared together so it's no wonder you feel so low just now.
You did a brave thing posting on here about how life is for you on your own, I hope that same courage will help you as you go forward into life and maybe take up some of the ideas suggested here.
for all who are nursing a sad or lonely heart today after the loss of a loved one

It's 5 years for me and I find Sunday's difficult too. I have friends etc and try to keep busy, but the loneliness doesn't leave me.
Thank goodness for garden centres and Sunday opening in the shops.

I make myself go out and do find that helps change a kind set.
Sending cyber hugs to all those in the same boat.
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Beigecardigan great post and such a positive outlook

I was widowed after 30 years but had wonderful support from the MND Association and the hospice which is, I suppose the reason why I didn't have a nervous breakdown.
It's been over six years now and I still miss his presence but I have a quiet acceptance, he had a 'good death' I held his hand, he's not suffering now. I count my blessings - I can still talk, swallow, dress myself - things which were taken from dear hubby. It was heartbreaking.
I would say look out for the small compensations - you can do what you want when you want without having to run it past someone. Good memories, friends, a sunny day and hobbies like gardening or sewing, even something trivial like a cup of tea and a biscuit can be a small joy.