death of an old friend

I recently went to the funeral of my oldest friend - we had been friends since infant school 63 years ago. It meant a great great deal to her husband and sons that so many of her friends came - how could it not? I helped her husband write the eulogy with some memories from before they met of escapades and fun we had shared - I was the only repository of those memories and now he and the sons have them to share as well. Going to the funeral helped me say goodbye and thank you and also I believe helped her family - the humanist service was very moving and the wake was really life and love affirming as we all shared our memories of her and the different ways we had met and known her - I'm still feeling sad of course but had I not gone to the funeral I would feel devastated. I know what radical means about losing part of myself - my friend knew things about me and shared experiences with me that are unique to us two and there's no-one else now to fill that gap but that sadness is the price we pay for love and friendship isn't it?

I remember my grandmother, as she went about her daily business, quietly talking to herself, when I asked who she was talking to, she told me it was her mother and her siblings, who had died. I couldn´t understand at the time, but I do now.

Sorry for your loss

The news reminds us all that life is precious and that we are here today and could be gone tomorrow and so to make sure that we are living the life that we truly want, because not to do so is just a waste..

I'm very sorry to hear about the death of your friend, jaymbee. I have some idea of how you feel about it.
I agree with others that it's not essential to go to her funeral.
But send the family a nice long letter about your happy memories of your friendship. And as Maw says enclose a photo if you've got one.

Jaymbee I think you are absolutely right to let your own feelings be your guide.
Sincere sympathies expressed to the family in a letter or card, perhaps the offer of a donation to a charity she might have been close to will be a lasting expression of how you will miss her.
A picture of the two of you in happier days perhaps might also be nice.
No, keep your happy memories intact. I have more than once attended a funeral and asked myself Why?
Some are uplifting and some are not. Even if you might have met up with other friends it can be a sad experience for everybody.
Celebrate her life, instead, perhaps meet up with mutual friends in a " lighter " environment and raise a glass or a coffee cup to a dear friend and her memory.

I'm sorry for your loss. I agree, it's one of the more difficult situations we face. You can only go by your instincts. Let the news settle a bit, if you still feel as you do now then a warm and caring card to your friends family including a message saying you regret it looks unlikely you will be able to attend the funeral but your thoughts will be with them. Worded like that you still have the option to go if you change your mind. I once spent the time of a funeral just sitting in a beautiful place thinking about the person, it was calm and I felt very close to her. There are many ways of saying goodbye, do what is right for you.

Just re-posting in case anyone else has missed this today.

Also wanted to add that often the anticipation of the event is the worst bit. xx

It is such a difficult choice. Only you know what is best for you.

If you do not go, will you be hard on yourself about that?
Do you have any links with her family and if so, is sending a card / some flowers an option?

I have kept and cherished bereavement condolence cards that included a 'memory' of a happy time - your happy meetings are one lovely aspect of this lady's life and it might be nice for her family to hear something of them.

If you do go, it may be that you will gain some peace and solace from the ritual of goodbye. Funerals can often be more 'celebrations of life' and not so terribly sad as we fear at times.

A lovely friend of mine has just died suddenly, we met up about once a month as didn't live near to each other. I now find that I really don't want to go to her funeral as I would rather my memories be of our happy meetings than of seeing her coffin, what do other GN members think.

I did that with DF. Sat with his address book and phoned or rang everyone in it. The pleasant side effect was I heard from friends and relatives of my parents that I hadn't seen since childhood, or their children whom I had played with.

One old friend, who had been my grandmother's god-daughter chatted to me on the phone and gave me a last unexpected glimpse into my much beloved grandmother's past, talking about their lives during and after WW1. This was in 2007 and she well into her 90s. She even had memories of my grandfather who died in 1919 on his way home from serving in the army in Salonika.

I've got a list on my computer of those my family might like to contact when I shuffle off this mortal coil. I was prompted to do after I rang an ex workmate and her son told me she had died a few months previously. I also had a phone call from the brother-in law of someone I knew who didn't actually know who he should contact but had found my e-mail amongst on his sister-in-law's computer and was contacting as many people as possible.

You're right, MOnica - I thought I'd written this earlier, but part of the shock was to find out that she was only 74, 7 years younger than me.
I suppose I have to appreciate these extra years on this earth, even though the aches and pains increase. My grandparents all died suddenly, in their 70s. And my parents at 84 and 87. Dad suddenly (heart), Mum slowly after a stroke.

I am sorry, but I think it is the age many of us has reached. I gather that, medically, all deaths before the age of 75 are classed as 'premature', but average life span is calculated using both the ages of those who die prematurely and those who live into their 90s and longer.

I have attended the funerals of quite a number of friends and cousins who have died 'prematurely', while having 2 of my aunts still living. Both in their 90s, both living entirely independently, fit and healthy in mind and body. Both have lost children, who died in their early 60s.

Perhaps this is a sign of the declining longevity we have been hearing about.

So sorry to hear this TriciaF

Her soul flies free x

TriciaF losing an old friend is heart breaking . Two and half years ago a very,very dear friend died suddenly of a previously unknown heart disease. We met in 1984 , I was newly divorced with two small children and she had a son the same age as mine. As we were on our own we did an awful lot together with the children and each other. This carried on after our children were grown up. I was utterly bereft . I'm still not over it. Then another old friend died of cancer last month. It's something we must expect as we get older.

So sorry TriciaF

I am so sorry to hear of your loss.

So sad to read this. Feel the same as Radicalnan. It's like the loss a bit of yourself. My friend of more than 50 years has Alzheimer and it breaks my heart every time I see her.. I'm loosing her "little by little" ;-)
I'm glad you had a chance to speak to her family a least

My condolences to all who have lost friends and loved ones.

The loss of an old friend earlier this year was a real body blow, we all thought he was indestructible and would see us all out. Didn't realise how much you value friendship until it's not thee any more.

Such lovely replies - thanks to all

The loss of an old friend is the loss of a bit of yourself....no one remembers me now when I was young and and fit. I have made other friendships but they only know me as a lump old woman.

I am glad you were able to speak to Judy's family they will want to talk about her and know how she was loved.

I am sorry for your loss.

Sorry to hear this

Sorry to hear this