Loss of a child - anniversary drag ...

downtoearth xx

Thanks Imperfect was a hard one this year.

'I am sorry for your loss' can sound so trite sometimes. Here it has such meaning and there is so much empathy. .

All anniversaries are sad, some are somehow much harder, sometimes for no apparent reason. But wondering what might have been is something I think we often sidestep because it is so very painful and when we let those thoughts in they can be quite overwhelming to us.

for all our lovely GNetters who are hurting because it is the time it is xx

39 years ago today I gave birth to my first daughter...she lived 7 weeks ....still wonder what might have been

know the feeling, lost my son it felt like I became an outcast to others, so I learned not to mention it and make people feel awkward. The hard part is not seeing his children, their mother says no and grandparents have no legal rights.

understand totally

In your heart you carry that loss every day, time gets you better at coping, that's all. Anniversaries are harder somehow, everything re surfaces, but somehow you get through them.

morethan2 , what a lovely post xx

It is always a comfort to feel that others can sense something of the significance of our children's lives for us and the place they will always have in our hearts.

xx

I have no words to comfort any of you, but I'm so glad that you are able to comfort each other with your poignant messages. I'm grateful that you have been able to express and share your grief with us. Condolences to you all nonny I'm sorry for your loss I hope you too find a little comfort and lots of support here. There can be no greater loss than that of your child. It's unbearable to even contemplate perhaps that's why some shy away from talking about it. Reading through the whole thread I felt the essence of your children and I want to thank you for sharing.

You have some true friends there Nonnie - and you'll treasure them. Life is indeed too short to bother with the other sort.

The trite expression been there done that comes to mind, sorry. Had 10 babies but only managed 3 children, went through all the lack of sympathy, even made to feel it was my fault. Now DiL is saying we made DS a bad person. Lots of other people have been wonderful so we try to focus on them.

Finding chatting impossible, everything is black or white, yes or no, nothing in between. Everything else in life seems far too clear. Just been to the shops in the rain and DH asked if I wanted an umbrella, No, didn't care whether I was wet or dry. Decided who not to send Christmas cards to ever again, one relative didn't send any word, another made an excuse why not attending funeral and now has lost his 95 year old father and expects sympathy. Life is too short to have anything to do with such people.

Clinging on to DS's friends who have been marvelous, so many of our friends who hardly knew DS came to the funeral to support us. One friend who has a busy life married to a famous man is making a memory book for the boys and getting it published, she came all the way to the funeral and was the last to leave. So many wonderful people.

Chatty woman on the checkout asked how many children I had and I automatically said 3 then realised and started blurting it all out. She had lost her daughter of about the same age in November to cancer. Life's a bitch.

After losing twins soon after they were born in July I was told by a nurse as I was discharged that I would be pregnant again before Christmas. You can imagine how I felt when I wasn't! It took 2 years. The nurse at the ante natal clinic asked me how I was going to cope with twins as well as a new baby. I suggested she read the notes that were written in red ink!!!
This was 40 years ago and I've never forgotten these comments. I went on to work with bereaved parents and nursing staff and hopefully today staff take a breath before saying anything.
I have since been amazed how many of my friends have been in similar situations at around the same time. That was comforting I have to say.
DH and I don't talk much about our babies but we both quietly remember their birthday. DH attended their funeral but I didn't know it was going ahead. It was thought then that I wouldn't have been able to take it; and I think they were right though I know may people would disagree. We have no photos of them but they're not forgotten.

Nonnie I too am sorry to hear of the death of your son,I too share your pain from losing an adult child,also an infant child.
I have also met with the most unsympathetic responses from banks..ask your daughter to give us a call..was one response, from an overseas call centre, like you had to make many complaints before a two line letter apologised,I was so angry that I wouldnt have been responsible for my actions if face to face with this person

Oh Nonnie you can do without these insensitive people at this time x

Sorry, should not have used the term 'fortunately', regarding the death of the brother - think you all know what I meant in this context.

Nonnie, I know exactly that feeling of wanting to talk constantly about your dead child. When my son died, for the first week (until his cremation), there were so many people around - then they all left. The following morning I just could not stop crying and eventually managed to get to a good friend and collapsed on their door step.
An important meeting was postponed for a week so that I could attend, and when one of the other members telephoned me the night before to make sure I was going, I told her that I was not sure as I felt I had become the most boring person in the world, as all I wanted to do was to talk about my son. There was a slight pause and then she said "come along, and bore us". I have never forgotten those so kind words!!
When I returned to work, I knew there had been much discussion amongst the staff as to what to say- fortunately, one of the other younger staff members had an older brother who had died a few years previously and she asked her Mum what they should do and was told to encourage me to talk about him.
Even now, all these years later, I still find it strange that people are uncomfortable when I mention things about him - fortunately, none of my close friends and none of the family have this failing.
As has been said, that child/person is NEVER forgotten - I still think of him virtually every day - but the sharpness of that grief does - very slowly - diminish. But that can take two or three years, not a fast process.

Thank you all for your support.

I am scared to go out and meet 'normal' people as once I start talking about it I don't stop and go on and on. I had to go into his office last week to take in birth certificate etc and found myself talking to his boss, who I had met at the funeral and a girl from HR I hadn't met and I went on and on about all sorts of stuff they really didn't need to know. They were lovely with me though.

I haven't even told most of my neighbours, have been avoiding them.

Just come off the phone from the water company who sent a chaser letter because the bill hadn't been paid. I called to ask how they expected it to be when he had been dead less than a month when they sent it. I was told "it should have been paid from his estate". I asked if they had a bereavement team and she hadn't a clue what I was talking about so I asked for her manager.Phone went quiet then a few clicks and I was cut off. Called back and asked for a manager and got one who was "sorry for the inconvenience" I rather expressively told her that the loss of my son was more than 'inconvenient'. Apparently the letter was 'system generated'! So they send such letters to all bereaved customers! I demanded a higher authority and she said that a case worker will call me this morning. I am furious, this is the second one who has referred to my son's death as 'inconvenient'. Maybe they should only have people who were brought up in the UK on these lines so they fully understand what they are saying. This last one was South African. Is death inconvenient in SA?

Sorry rant over.

I hadn't read this until today, I found reading the OP and the comments have left me feeling a little overwhelmed by the loss people have experienced, their tenderness and support for others.
Thank you for starting this thread Imperfect, thanks to those who responded and Nonnie

Grief, I've learned, is really just love. It's all the love you want to give, but can't.
All of that unspent love, gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat and in that hollow part of your chest.
Grief, is just love, with nowhere to go.

There are some incredible emotions and beautiful words on this thread, it makes my heart sing to read such support between 'strangers' and I mean that in the nicest way, love to you all and my thoughts are with you and your individual situations

Losing a child is the worst thing that can happen to a parent. There are no words that will bring comfort. Everyone finds their own way on this journey. Do try to take your loved ones, DH and your other sons along with you.

Talk about him, don't clam up and hide behind your own individual curtains of grief, even though that can sometimes feel like the only way.

And yes, if you feel you can keep posting then do so xx

Nonnie - My first DD died age 7 months, 40 years ago. The first weeks and months are now a blur and we just had to take life one day at a time. DH was studying at university and we were far from home with no telephone so contact with family was rather limited. I still have strong memories of certain events. We moved away and started a new life, buying a house and both having new jobs.
About 20 years ago I was asked by The Lullaby Trust if I would volunteer to help at a charity Christmas card shop to raise funds. I have done this in her memory every year since and in a small way I know it helps the charity.
Five years ago I became a Community First Responder and I do a duty period every week in her memory. The shock of finding my baby and not knowing what to do until the ambulance arrived has never been forgotten.
I hope in time you will find something worthwhile to do in his memory which will give you a purpose to your day.
Here on Gransnet there is a lot of support from several Grans who have suffered the loss of a child so please do read and post.

My heart goes out to you all - losing a child must be the hardest thing imaginable no matter what age they are. I have a friend who's son passed away 9 months ago followed a couple of days later by his partner. I spoke to her last night and she was full of chatter but said they were going away for the anniversary as she didn't want to be at home. Other than that she didn't mention him. Everyone copes in different ways - another friend's daughter died 4 years ago - they are only able to cope with by visiting her grave daily. She talks about her all the time - there is no awkwardness about it but both couples have drawn comfort from their children's friends remembering and getting together. Both were adults so there are a lot of memories to share.

No there is no choice, you have to keep going. Your DS wouldn't have wanted you to be totally miserable forever, he would want you to be happy and remember him for all his wonderful qualities. ???

Nonnie it is so very hard, but there is no choice, you just keep putting one foot in front of the other, that probably sounds trite, but the only way is to take each day/stage as it comes. Much love to you and your family.