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Only one twin survived

(16 Posts)
NanKate Wed 25-Oct-17 19:17:19

One of my closest friends became a grandmother again in August. The twins were born at 24 weeks, which is only just viable.

One little lad survived and is slowly improving but his brother died at about 4 weeks. He is being cremated quite soon and I wondered what I could give to my friend, other than a card. Any ideas please.

phoenix Wed 25-Oct-17 19:26:53

NanKate I think just a blank card (rather than any other type, I.e bereavement etc) with "thinking of you and the family, and sending much love to you all" would be appropriate.

silversurf Wed 25-Oct-17 19:28:04

Yes. Your love and support.

MawBroon Wed 25-Oct-17 19:35:06

How very sad, yes, your love and support. A simple card to say you are thinking of them and a willingness when she is ready to let your friend talk about both babies if she wishes. flowers

kittylester Wed 25-Oct-17 19:37:49

Just sending a (((hug))) for all concerned Kate and echoing the advice.

Anya Wed 25-Oct-17 20:31:30

I’d suggest a rose bush or similar.

emmasnan Wed 25-Oct-17 22:44:04

Be there for her even if just at the end of the phone. As Maw said she may want to talk about both babies.
A phone call to say hello if you don't hear from her for a couple days will mean a lot.

NanKate Wed 25-Oct-17 22:53:18

Thanks for all your great advice in a sad situation. A card with my own words, plus a white orchid should be appropriate.

I chat to my friend each week and fortunately she is accepting the loss and talks quite freely about both her grandsons. Every minor improvement little baby 2 makes keeps her focussed.

paddyann Thu 26-Oct-17 00:10:06

She will focus on the survivor until he's out of danger and home safe and well...and then it will hit her and she will need support...the mother will be the same .I've lost twins at different stages in the pregnancy,one at 3 months and the other at 32 weeks ,whilst I was still pregnant with baby 2 I couldn't think about the little lost one ,but after she too died I was bereft.It took a long time to come to terms with.I'll keep her wee one in my prayers and hope for a good outcome.Just be there for her when she needs you and she likely will.

Nana3 Thu 26-Oct-17 00:14:01

How sad for your close friend and her family, but a new little baby to celebrate too. A friend who keeps in touch, visits and is there when she needs to talk is a rare and a true friend. Sounds like you are doing everything a good friend does NanKate. My very best wishes to you both.
In my recent bereavement a friend sent me a beautiful bunch of white roses that have lasted nearly two weeks now and have given me pleasure and comfort.

NanKate Thu 26-Oct-17 14:04:23

I have found your advice invaluable and from what you say some of you have had the great sadness of losing a child. To make it especially hard for my friend in the 1970s she had a stillborn child. She was not given help or advice on dealing with her bereavement and her husband said they needed to move on in their lives and not grieve. I realise death was treated very differently then but it has affected my friend throughout her life. She and I often talk about what she went through and I believe she is dealing with her loss now as opposed to then.

My friend is also helping me now with an awful time that my DS is experiencing.

We have both promised ourselves when we get through this awful time and see light at the end of the tunnel we are going out together and have a calorie busting Cream Tea. We both need each other and are grateful we are friends.

Grandma70s Thu 26-Oct-17 14:27:34

There is nothing so valuable as a really close friend. I am lucky to have one, too. We have been through so much together for the last forty years.

It is good that people are more open about personal tragedies than they used to be. A good friend of my mother’s had a stillborn child in the 1940s. She never mentioned it, even to my mother.

Imperfect27 Thu 26-Oct-17 15:07:18

So sorry to read your post NanKate - it is good that your friend has your sensitive support.

Losing a child does affect and change friendships - some friends just fall away because they do not know what to say and the bereaved person can be so worn and tired that they do not have the energy to sustain relationships that require 'work' on their part. So simply 'being there' will be a gift in itself.

If you want to do something practical ...
One of the things I really appreciated when I lost my DD2 was that a very kind friend bought a beautiful ceramic pot - coloured blue - and planted it up with 'blue' flowers. It has been uplifting to see the flowers come through year on year.

There are indeed many GNs here who have lost a child - young or old, all precious and all never forgotten. xx

Morgana Thu 26-Oct-17 17:18:06

This has made me remember my mum who miscarried when I was about 2. She never talked about it.

judypark Thu 26-Oct-17 19:50:11

Some lovely advice given. Presumably the lost little one would have been given a name. I wouldn't shy away from using this when talking to her about him. He was here and a huge part of her life albeit sadly for such a short time.

Franbern Mon 08-Jan-18 14:59:32

In the past miscarriage was never mentioned. Ten years ago three of my cousins, were helping their aged mother clear out her house ready to downsize to a flat. They found a box which contained baby bootees, etc. Talking to the Mum, she then old them that back in 1939 she had miscarried her first child. At no time had she or her husband ever talked about it to anyone. Seems so sad.
One of my daughters had five miscarriages - thanks to medical intervention she did go on to have two lovely daughters, but still lights candles of rememberance for her five little 'stars' as she refers to them. She has no religion, so this is her way of dealing with it.
The death of one of a twin is particularly hard to deal with. People keep saying things, like' well, you have one healthy baby' = but that can make it all the more difficult, as that healthy baby/child - is a constant reminder of the one who is not there. The charity TAMBA does have counsellors for parents who are going through this sort of trauma.