Who pays? And should a young child go to a parent’s funeral?

It may be something to do with religious outlook. I remember many of us (certainly all my family) were very shocked to see that President Kennedy’s very young children were at his funeral. We assumed, perhaps wrongly, that it was something that Roman Catholics did.

As far as I know there were no children’s bereavement counsellors when my husband died, so we were able to use our common sense. Common sense said they were too young to be subjected to a funeral. I agree with Anniebach.

Nothing odd in keeping a small child away from a parents funeral, if the death was sudden, the remaining parent may not be in Any way able to comfort the child because they are in shock and totally bereft . Not good for a small child, father in the coffin .Mother distressed , grandparents distressed .

Grandma70's its not fashionable ,it has always been the way for some families,my upbringing was as part of an Irish/Scots family and we always went to funerals ,always saw the dead relative in their coffin and accepted that death is part of normal life .My husband on the other hand was raised in a Scots protestant household and he wasn't allowed to go to his beloved GF 's funeral when he was 8...he was furious then ,is still angry now 50 odd years later and cant understand why it was thought he shouldn't be there .Its odd to me that anyone would keep a child away from a parents funeral even a very young child

I thought the ad boxes were based on your own browsing history/google searches rather than specifically through Gransnet? Maybe I'm wrong?

I can't be the only one who, on reaching the end of this very sad thread, was presented with an ad above the message box - an ad for life insurance for parents.
Surely GNHQ has enough control to ensure that such a tactless juxtaposition is avoided.
Can't report it as inappropriate or as spam but I think this ticks both of those boxes.
Explanation or apology please GNHQ ?

Here in Ireland, it would be highly unusual for young children not to attend a funeral. Lots of my DS's friends have attended the funerals of various grandparents and I think it's helps them come to terms with the finality of death much more easily.
In fact, I resent my parents for not allowing me to attend my grandparents funerals when I was younger and living in the U.K.
I'm sure it would have helped me to cope better with my father's funeral when I was an older teen.

I think at 10 the child can decide for herself. If the process is explained in a sympathetic way first then the decision should be left to her. Make contingency plans for a last minute change of mind.
You have my sympathy.

Grandma70s I am of the same mindset as you, I wouldn't take a young child to their parent's funeral. I'm interested in your comment about not having a funeral at all. I personally would prefer that, unless my DD felt otherwise.

I don't think your daughter should be expected to pay for the funeral; if her ex-partner had been in the services, then service charities such as RBL or SSAFA may help.
Otherwise there is a government scheme:
www.gov.uk/funeral-payments/what-youll-get

Our youngest went to her grandma's funeral when she was 9 and coped with it well. She was upset but would have felt worse, I think, had she not been allowed to go.

suzied, not many people realise there is no need to have a funeral at all. I have told my children I don’t want one. If they want to mark the occasion they should go out for a nice meal. That would be something they would actually enjoy. If it’s lunch, young children can go as well.

You can leave your body to medical research, which is an important use for it, and also has the advantage of avoiding the need for a funeral. My father did this.

Funerals today are very different from a generation ago. They can be personalised to suit the mourners and the deceased.
As your grandaughter will be the chief mourner from what you say, it can be made into a very child friendly funeral. Definitely no sliding away of the coffin at the end.
Your daughter and grandaughter can choose the music and poems and write the eulogy.
At my fil's funeral (he had been a keen beekeeper) his 7 greatgrandchildren decorated wooden bees which were fastened to his wicker coffin by the grandchildren. The eulogy was given by his eldest grandchild.
At my sister's funeral, nephews and nieces placed drawings, daisychains and messages on the coffin.
Funerals are a celebration of life and I would think it good for your grandaughter to say goodbye as long as she is supported by her mother and/or grandparents.

Of course there’s no legal requirement to actually hold a funeral service as such. The body can just be cremated and the ashes scattered in the garden at the crem. No one has to attend if they don’t want to. Money can be taken from the estate of the departed to pay for the crem or if there’s no money there are certain benefits than can be claimed so it would be down to the taxpayer.

My then 5year old GD attended my daughter,her mothers funeral which had to be held 11months after she died,e explained and asked her what she wanted to do she chose to go, at 18 she is glad she was part of it all and would have resemted it if unable to go ,we kept explanations child appropriate.

Fishandchips I am sorry that your DD and GD are facing this close loss.

I cannot answer re financial questions, but in our family, children have attended funerals of grandparents. We avoided using terms such as ......is 'asleep' , 'gone for a while.' Children do need to learn that death is a final parting and I think being at the funeral can be a helpful part of this process.

GD can be reassured beforehand that she will not see a dead body and that people are/will be very sad so she may see adults cry and that is ok.

I think it is very healthy / natural for children to see grief expressed.

Condolences to you all at this very sad time .

When my father died I asked my DSs if they wanted to go to the funeral and they all said yes. I was estranged from my husband at the time but he also wished to attend. In the event my middle DS became distraught and could not face it so stayed behind with his dad.

Shortly afterwards my MIL died and again DSs wished to attend. On this occasion oldest DS could not face the ceremony and waited outside with my ex's new partner (whom he had never met before). My DSs were between 12 and 16 years old at the time.

I believe that children should have the choice and should be gently told that it can be upsetting but that is OK to show their emotions. I have learned also that every funeral is different and that they should be allowed to 'back out' at any time if they wish to and no one will think any the worse of them.

Nelliemoser I agree. It should not be 'scary' . After all it will happen to every one of us in the end.

Well has any one thought to ask the poor child what she wants to do? How old is she?
I am with this concensus here let her go. It is not scary unless relatives have made her think so.

Thank you all for your replies.....there is a lot to think about.

I’ve heard that the Irish are brilliant at doing funerals, it is a big - almost jolly - event with a wake to follow and the English are dreadful at them.

My dad’s family were originally from the north-east and when his older brother died I remember that the coffin was kept in the lounge the night before the funeral. My dad and his siblings then kept the corpse ‘company’ by staying in the same room overnight. (I thought and still think it’s pretty weird).

My dad died two years to the day after Princess Diana and had just turned 61 years of age. He was walking with my mum and had a massive heart attack. At that time my spouse, myself and children were on an expat posting in south east Asia. We had spent the Summer holidays in England and had only just returned to the Far East as the new school year was just starting, when one week later I had the phone call.

I returned on my own and although was not close to my dad, I did sob quietly on the 13 hour flight back to the UK. I went to my mum’s house and in my jet-lagged state heard her make an almost unearthly wail....they had been married almost 40 years.

I went with my mum and brother to the funeral home and they pulled the casket out for a viewing; I could barely look at my dad’s body, he was wearing some kind of white robe which my mum had chosen. On reflection I wonder if my reaction was because I had never been near a corpse before (or since) as I had never been exposed to one before and I was then 38 years old. I still don’t like to go near dead animals. Come to think of it, my dad’s funeral is the only one I’ve been to where there has been an internment, the other funerals were for cremations.

My mum has spoken with my daughter and is pressing on her not to take her great-granddaughter to the funeral....but then again she never let me or my siblings attend funerals when we were children. I’m leaning towards thinking that perhaps my granddaughter should go so there is some (and I dislike this term) ‘closure’.

My daughter is going to send a message to her dying ex-partner to see if he is willing and able to arrange some kind of ‘memory box’ of his life and family history.

The ex is destitute; he gave up his tiny council flat and left behind a trail of debts when he moved into a touring caravan and followed/stalked my daughter when she moved to another part of England when he turfed her and their daughter out.

I once asked him about his family when my granddaughter was a newborn as I thought it would be nice for them to meet her but he told me that he didn’t know where they lived and didn’t know or care if they were alive or dead...! I have no idea if the hospice has been in touch with any of his family.

I just hope my daughter doesn’t feel responsible for arranging for his funeral for her daughter’s sake and borrows the money to pay for it....she barely gets by herself and my spouse and I help her out when we can.

The state will pay for the funeral if there is no estate. Tell your daughter not to agree to anything. It's not her responsibility.

I think your granddaughter should go to the funeral if she wants to. Funerals are about closure for the living and even though she's only a child she may need that closure.

It is not the children's age that matters, it is the way the adults around them behave. In our family children do attend funerals and everyone treats it as perfectly normal, so the children accept it as totally normal as well.

DD was 9 when her grandfather died, we took her and her slightly older brother to the funeral. Neither of them made any comment either then or since.

Regarding payment, there is funding for a public health funeral paid by the local council (what used to be called a pauper's funeral). I don't know what the criteria is to be eligible for this but I'm sure hospital/registry office/funeral directors between them will have information.

TwiceAsNice, I wonder why you wanted to go to your grandmother’s funeral. One of my grandmothers died when I was 14. By that age I was considered old enough to go, but luckily someone was needed to look after my little cousin (aged 4 or so), so I did that. I was very pleased I didn’t have to go.

I've worked with children and adolescents in grief work for a long time. Research shows consistently that children have a better outcome if they go to a funeral. I have spoken to many many children and none of them have said they regretted going to a funeral, far more were resentful and distressed when they weren't allowed to go.

I took my daughters ( at the time 8 and 15 months to their brothers funeral ( he was 4) and at an older age both went to their grandparents funerals and we're glad that they had. My FIL died suddenly at home and my daughter aged 13 kissed him goodbye at the house before the undertakers were arranged. Death is part of life and children don't need to be shielded they are resilient and matter of fact as long as a trusted adult supports them and explains everything. Use everyday language not euphemisms and allow them to grieve as they wish. Children opt in and out of grief but feel is just as much as adults.

I still remember how at 14 my father wouldn't let me go to my grandmothers funeral and I was very cross about it especially as my aunt let my cousin who was two years younger attend.

When I was young I wasn't allowed to attend grandparents' funerals but nowadays most people do. When my DH died, his DGD all attended, the same with other relatives who have died in the last few years. It is your daughter's choice, but I think it would be better for your DGD to attend, especially if you and your DH can be there to support.

Forty years ago but my daughters were then five and seven and did not attend their fathers funeral, they went to school as usual where the teachers took great care to watch them. It was a very large funeral , police lined the route from church to cemetery and there were several lines of them at the grave to salute the interment, it was too much for me, I shudder to think what it would have been like for two little ones . I wouldn't advise yes or no.

Only if they have an estate , many people unfortunately die penniless.