Children going to funeral

Anniebach I'm not sure I understand your comment about or wrong way to do a funeral? To me whatever suits a family is fine really. Your experiences were dreadful; I have experience of police in the family and know the fear, but never had the fear realised.

All cases are different, all families and circumstances are different. I'm not cross because my grandsons went to my daughters' funeral. It was our decision to make, nobody else's. Don't be cross..

What has made me cross is that I was talking about my I two little boys losing their father, and knowing they would have been deeply upset by going to the funeral, and then being told by people who have not had that experience that this was the wrong decision. It was not wrong. It was definitely right in this case. A grandparent dying is quite different, I think. Even if you love them - and I did - it is natural for a grandparent to die, and a child knows this.

My grandmother died when I was eight, and I and my 12-year-old brother were sent to stay with our cousins, who didn’t go to the funeral either. I never gave it a thought. We had a nice time and my brother's only complaint was that he was only given one Weetabix at breakfast time. Like my children, we just accepted that funerals were something grown-ups did, not us.

I didn’t go to the funerals of any of my four grandparents, and I have never given it a thought until I started reading these threads.

Lovely story, varian!

When my elder brother was very young he brought a dead bird or mouse into the house to show mum. She introduced him to the idea of burying the dead by digging a small grave in the garden and burying the animal.

Quite some time later, when she had forgotten about the little burial, bro asked her: "Is Teddy alive?" She answered carefully, "Not exactly". This seemed to be a satisfactory answer and she thought no more about that until bedtime when teddy was nowhere to be found.
Turned out bro, logically, had decided teddy was dead since he wasn't exactly alive, and had buried him. Teddy was disinterred and sponge washed.

If the child wants to go then yes, she should otherwise she’ll feel left out and excluded. Just be prepared maybe for someone who knows her well to keep an eye out and be on hand to take her out or to one side if things become too much for her.

My DGDs, aged 4, 6 and 8 at the time all came to my DMs funeral. It was a lovely moving service, she’d died at the right time and was ready. They all came to the graveside too (their choice) which we feared might be too upsetting (or boring for the 4 year old) but the problem turned out to be their whispered ghoulish questions directly afterwards - such as what would happen now to nana’s body now! We had a friend of the family ready to remove all or any of them if need be but they were all very practical and proud to have been included.

Annibach,It does seem these days that more or less anything can be catered for at a funeral, I myself still prefer to wear dark clothes & think it is a release to be somber & emotional,where as a dear friend prefers bright clothes & a happy atmosphere.In my head being cheerful seems a bit like a denial(. I know it’s not, before anyone says) but for me cheerful memories come to me later after the sorrow.

So now there is right and wrong way to 'do a funeral ' , I await to read advice on the right and wrong time to work through grief , are flowers at a funeral acceptable or unacceptable, should black be worn or not worn,

Yes there is no right or wrong in this and a
Mother knows her children

Years ago in the early 1980s the mother of girl at my childrens primary school died very suddenly.
The poor girl was sent away to relatives straight away and was not allowed to go to the funeral. I still feel for that poor child. That really was a lesson in how not to do a funeral.
The very experienced head teacher had tried to change the relatives minds but it did not work.

? condolences colournanny.
I'd like to share my experience with you. My dd was 4 when my father died. They loved each other dearly. I had a conversation with his wife about my daughter attending the funeral & she was happy for her to come.
My grandfather however fell out with me. In such a big way that he didn't attend my dad's funeral & wouldn't allow my nan to either. He never spoke to me again. Such a horrible situation. I did what I felt was right.
If this isn't going to cause a rift between you and your mum then take your daughter.

I believe if a young person asks to go they should be able to providing the process is explained & that they know they can change their mind or wait outside if they so wish.

Each and every circumstance is different. There is no right or wrong, and if there is, we risk later being told we made the wrong decision. We can only do what we judge to be right.

And to say not taking children to a funeral is an erroneous decision is acceptable

We can all only do the best we can. To become cross at people who have shared their experience of bereavement, funerals and their belief that children can be included in a positive, rather than negative way, seems both angry and rejecting of s different viewpoint.
Someone who doesn’t see the point of funerals is entitled to hold and to express their belief. To express that in a manner that may hurt others who have given details of loving ceremonies to commemorate a loved one seems both angry and insensitive. Maws description of her husband’s funeral service reminded me how important the funerals of my loved ones have been.

I think you should take her, as she obviously wants to go to the funeral. Discuss the ceremony with her beforehand in general terms so that she is not surprised or scared by anything.

She's probably already seen fictional funerals on TV series, as most American series seem to revel in them.

Loved your story about the bird, varian! Just shows how much children need and want to make sense of life and death and the rituals that mark important moments.

When my mother died, my children were 5 and 7. It was school term time and we lived hundreds of miles away, so they didn't come to the funeral. Later, the older daughter said she wished she had been there. She said she had found it hard to believe that it wasn't all a joke or a silly mistake, and that Granny was really gone for good; she felt that attending the funeral would have been helpful in coming to terms with the loss.

If there is any point in having funerals, memorial services, wakes etc (and all cultures and societies, everywhere, seem to feel the need for some marking of the occasion) then there is a point for children as well as for adults.

Luckygirl has got it right. Anniebach, I and my children had no time to get used to the idea either. Although my husband had been ill for a short time with cancer, no one expected him to die so soon. He was 40, for goodness sake. At that time I had no real idea that people died at forty, other than in accidents. Nobody warned me. Nobody used the word ‘cancer’. It was talked about much less then, over thirty-five years ago.

Yes, she should have to opportunity to go. Prepare her by telling in minute detail how a funeral is, how long it takes, who will speak etc. so she'll feel secure on the day itself. And make sure she is with caring people the whole time.

That’s a very good point varian

There is a huge difference between the death of a young person, especially a sudden death, and the death of an old person who has lived a good long life. It may be right for children to attend a funeral of a grandparent or great grandparent, but very difficult to attend the funeral of a parent or sibling. So much depends on the circumstances.

My two GDs of 6 and 4 visited their beloved Grandpa in the funeral home and placed their drawings and sweets for him to share with the angels in his coffin. They attended the funeral service and we tried to make the whole day as inclusive as possible as he doted on them.
Both understood (to their own level) what was happening, the younger one was very matter of fact, the older one a bit more emotional. They watched cartoons like the 'Lion King' and 'Muana' which deal with death in a very sensitive way.
I suppose it's up to the individuals but as others have said death is part of the cycle of life.

Horrible experience Anniebach I went to the funeral of my friend's teenage daughter who was killed by a car and it was an ordeal for the adults. I wouldn't have wanted a child there. My two grandsons were 2 and 8 when they went to their greatgranny's (long expected) funeral and they were fine.

Exactly so Luckygirl, there was no time to prepare my daughters for their fathers death , Friday night they had a father who went on duty, Saturday morning I had to tell them he was dead , we had always buried pets together, they knew that morning he is dead meant you will never see him again, there is such a difference between children slowly lesrning to accept a parent will die and children not even having one minute to come to an understanding of the death of a parent. No way would I have subjected a 5 and 7 year old to the grief expressed at their fathers funeral . Funerals now can take place weeks after the death , when my husband died we had four days .

There is no right or wrong, there should be no judgement of how anyone copes with or reacts to grief.

My daughters had to cope with no darling Daddy, moving from the police house , their little safe world was shattered .

Well we clearly have very different ideas grandma70s!
Paw’s Requiem Mass contained beautiful music, two moving tributes which also raised more than a few smiles and happy memories from dear friends, readings from our three lovely DDs which for them summed up much of what their father meant to them, our 3 SILs acted as pallbearers and the children held their mummy’s and my hands as we went into the church.
It was very lovely, honouring him as a family man who also had a deep faith which I hope will have sustained him in his years of illness -oh and it brought together friends and family from all over the country and going back to his best friend at school over 50 years ago.
We said a moving goodbye but also affirmed the value of a good life, sadly cut short, but which had displayed great courage.
Bottom line - it was right for US, that is what matters.

My grandchildren went to their mums funeral.
They lived with her, she was their mum, and the three of them managed the most difficult circumstances together up until the end.
They were given the option, and wanted to go, of course.
The funeral was the least cruel part, I think.