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Children going to funeral

(90 Posts)
colournanny Fri 09-Feb-18 18:53:19

My dad died last month & my 11 year old grandaughter has said she wants to go to his funeral. My mum is now saying she is too young & shouldn’t go. Wot r the thoughts of other grans?

CassieJ Fri 09-Feb-18 18:55:24

I think she should go. My elder children's grandad died when they were all under 10 and they went to his funeral. It is good for them to have the chance to say goodbye.

Bellasnana Fri 09-Feb-18 19:01:12

If the young girl feels she would like to attend the funeral she should be allowed to do so.

I was nine years old when my father died but was not allowed to go to his funeral. It still bothers me today that I was shielded from saying my last goodbye to him.

Condolences on the loss of your father, colournanny flowers

nanaK54 Fri 09-Feb-18 19:02:52

Sorry for your loss flowers
I would allow her to go if she wants to

M0nica Fri 09-Feb-18 19:04:04

Let her go. All modern research into grieving in children, emphasises the importance of children not being excluded from funerals. Mine went to their grandfather's funeral at the ages of 8 and 10 without any problem.

Your mother is, naturally, reflecting the (now considered erroneous) views of many of her generation.

Daddima Fri 09-Feb-18 19:06:40

I’d say if she’s asked to go, she should be allowed, and maybe even be given a small part to play, like giving out orders of service etc.
On my father’s ( Irish) side of the family, grandchildren were very much involved in the funeral, as the deceased was laid out in the sitting room, and the children put drawings, flowers, and other mementoes into the coffin.

suzied Fri 09-Feb-18 19:16:43

It’s a yes from me. My 4 grandchildren were 18 months - 7 years old when their 16 year old cousin died. They were all very close to her so we took them all to the funeral - why not? Death is a part of life and you can’t shield them from it forever.

MissAdventure Fri 09-Feb-18 19:23:17

Yes. I think 'they' recommend it for children. Death is part of life, although not the best part, admittedly. 11 isn't too young.

Jalima1108 Fri 09-Feb-18 19:40:18

colournanny I would let her go to the funeral, 11 is not too young. My older DC went to my father's funeral when they were 9 and 11.

colournanny Fri 09-Feb-18 19:44:49

Thanku for all your messages. I totally agree with u all . I’m just worried about explaining that to my mum ,

colournanny Fri 09-Feb-18 20:07:40


BlueBelle Fri 09-Feb-18 20:15:00

Definitely let her go, my grandkids were 4 and 6 when their Daddy died my daughter took a lot of professional advice and they all said it’s far better for a child to go as it gives them some closure and they know he is really gone for ever They both had a cry in the service itself mainly because others were crying around them it was an open coffin as is the way in Ireland and they gave their Daddy a kiss goodbye ( they asked to) then we went to the burial site it was a lovely day and I ll never forget my little granddaughter (4) skipping along in the sunshine they carried his running shoes and club shirt They were included and were doing the last thing they could for their Daddy
Please tell your mum my story if you think it may help

Norah Fri 09-Feb-18 20:17:38

Condolences. I don't believe she should attend.

maryeliza54 Fri 09-Feb-18 20:29:10

He is part of her and I think it’s truly lovely that she wants to go - she must be a special young girl. Condolences to you

colournanny Fri 09-Feb-18 20:32:32

She is a special girl, she’s written a lovely letter for me to put in my dads coffin cx

maryeliza54 Fri 09-Feb-18 20:34:30

Bless her - her being there will be a comfort to you all - I bet your dad loved her to bits and she will carry that love with her for the rest of her life

MawBroon Fri 09-Feb-18 20:43:37

My DGDs aged 7,6 and 3 were at Paw’s funeral but did not come to the interment. This was entirely at their parents’ discretion and I was glad they were all there. The youngest (18months) was not there as it would have been hard to cope with him as all three DDs read at the service.

I have to say the 7 year old was the most affected and cried quietly throughout most of it sad but I still think he would have wanted to be there.
11 is plenty old enough to be there.

MawBroon Fri 09-Feb-18 20:44:17

DGCs not DGDs

cornergran Fri 09-Feb-18 20:52:49

I’m sorry for your loss colournanny. Our two were 9 and 7 when their grandmother died. A long while ago now. Recommendation back then was for children not to attend what was a very long, very formal funeral. They still tell me they would rather have been there and we should have listened to them. I wish we had. It would be a shame if you and your Mum had the same regrets. I hope the day goes as well as it can.

Cold Fri 09-Feb-18 21:08:08

I think it is totally appropriate for her to go at 11. I think it is good for children to learn about these aspects of life - although it is good if someone explains what is going to happen in advance in an age appropriate way

I never had the option of leaving my kids at home as we lived abroad. DDs attended my Dad's funeral at 4 and 2 and MIL's funeral at 5 and 3.

grannyticktock Fri 09-Feb-18 21:13:21

As long as your granddaughter is OK about it, then I think she should be there. You could perhaps give her a role in the ceremony: we had a large candle that was lit by one grandchild at the start of the ceremony, and blown out by another at the end. It will help her come to terms with the fact that his life has come to an end.

Luckygirl Fri 09-Feb-18 21:28:19

Oh yes - she must be allowed to go. The stark reality of death is hard for everyone, old or young, but she will not be helped by sheltering her from it - she needs to see how it is dealt with, how family and friends support each other, and how the person who has died is loved by so many who come to the service.

Grandma70s Fri 09-Feb-18 22:05:41

It is fashionable to take children to funerals now. I suppose she should be allowed to go if she has asked to, but I would discourage it myself. Make sure she knows what is involved.

My children, then aged nine and six, did not go to their father’s funeral. After reading recently that it is better that children do go, I asked them what they had felt at the time and since. (They are in their forties now).They both said that they had never really thought about it at all, but just taken it for granted that children didn’t go.

They weren’t sheltered from the death, obviously. They lived with it every day of their lives. There was no need for them to witness a funeral. I suppose it depends whether you have religious beliefs or not. We didn’t. These days I wouldn’t have a funeral at all, but then I thought one had to.

paddyann Fri 09-Feb-18 23:00:58

its not "fashionable"Grandma70's its always been that way for many families ,its just been confirmed for us that its better for children to be allowed to attend the funerals of close family than to be sheltered from reality by keeping them away .Our GC are very matter of fact about death,its part of life so thats how it should be

Bellanonna Fri 09-Feb-18 23:54:24

My two little GDs, 5 and 3, have just been to their daddy’s aunt’s funeral. They didn’t go to the burial. I think an 11 year old should be encouraged to go, especially as that’s what she’d like to,do.