How do you cope

After losing your DH to a traumatic event like that, no wonder you feel so lost and bereft.

Going ahead with the party was exactly what you should have done, and many others of us would also have done so in the circumstances.

Ignore the nay-sayers, they seem to gather round the bereaved like Job's comforters. A friend, recently bereaved told me some of the crass remarks made to her after her husbands premature death. They were appalling.

Remember that there were aspects of your tragedy that you can be grateful for. You were with your DH when he died so suddenly; you were able to give him every chance of survival by being able to give him CPR - and were successful for a short time. He will know how much you did to save his life and love is shown as much by actions as in words.

Do not worry about how you feel, so seek help through Cruse or otherwise, if you think that will help. Take your time and eventually you will see the dawn again and a new day will come.

Totallylost, my sincere condolences. I nearly lost my DH two weeks ago. You have made me realise the devastation I would have felt at losing him. He is my rock through such difficult times and I wonder how he has stuck with me over the past 19 months when I know he is going through so much himself. Hang on in there and keep your memories close to you heart.

Sending hugs& love, take care of yourself

Totallylost

So sorry to read this. I have not lost a spouse but have lost a son and all I can say is just keep keeping on until one day you realise you have managed to keep keeping on. I doubt a day will ever go by when you won't think of him but you will eventually learn to accept his loss and start to feel that you will cope.

Sorry, no easy answers but if you are the sort of person who wants to talk about it contact Cruse, if not and you are in a very bad way please do go to your doctor.

That idea of a well trodden path, but one for which you have no map just explains living with loss so well, totally. I’m fortunate enough to have still have my lovely man at my side and can only imagine how I would be without that. I’ve worked with loss and bereavement for much of my working life but am under no illusions that, come the day, that will enable me to have any better “map” than anyone else does.
Thinking of all with sad hearts today x

I feel so much guilt over things I said to him and wish I could now unsay and things I wish I'd said. But it's too late. I just hope he knew how much I loved him.

Oh pippa000 what a lovely idea. My man passed away on the weekend of our Ruby wedding anniversary, all the guests were starting to arrive for a big do in the evening followed by a family BBQ the next day on our actual 40th . Much to a lot of people's disapproval I went ahead with both parties in his honour, no it's not what he would have wanted , he would have wanted t be there but it's what he would have expected of me . I think maybe because of the trauma , I even gave him cpr and brought him back for a short while until the air ambulance arrived, I've still not completely accepted he's not coming home. Although we're treading a well worn path it has no map so we just muddle through.
Sorry if I've over shared , I do appreciate everyone's thoughts and your individual stories have helped me to share mine .?? love t you all

I lost my husband in January, two weeks before a big family weekend away to celebrate my 70th. He died suddenly and unexpectedly in his sleep in the night following a lovely family day out at the pantomime. I found him when I went to wake him with a cup of tea. (he was in the spare room because my coughing was keeping him awake)

On my birthday my daughter in law gave me a beautiful note book, and that night I started writing to him, just as I did every evening when we were first married and he was away, he was in the Army and in the 70's often away for months at a time. I tell him about my day, what the family has done, exactly what I would have written about all those years ago. I am now on book 2 about to start book three. I don't know how long I will continue to do this but it does help me come to terms with him not actually being with me, I like to think that although he may never actually read what I have written perhaps somewhere in the great cosmos he knows how much he still and always will mean to me.

And ?to all those others in the same situation

Hang on in there Totallylost; times when you feel lost and overwhelmed by your feelings are completely normal. The loss of a loved one is the worst grief you can experience. If it was sudden or traumatic that can make it harder to ‘accept’ and it can block out all the memories of the good times.

Keep posting in the bad times ?❣️

Totallylost so sorry for your loss. My DH died a year ago this week. I understand your feelings.
Do I cope? Well I get by day to day, the love and care of family and friends supports me. That was so evident this week.
I think it was on GN I read that ‘this isn’t the life I want but it’s the one I’ve got so I have to so somehow make it work’ I try to do that every day as I know that is what he would want.
I hope you have people around you for support. Be kind to yourself

Thanks everyone, I know I'll come though this , I'm just having a few down days, those who've been through this will understand, it's just so lovely to be able to come on this forum and say stuff that no one will judge , even stupid things like is he ok, who's helping him put his socks on.......all total nonsense I know, but all part of our 40 years.

TotallyLost you have my sincerest ympathy and commiserations. It is exactly 10 months since I lost my DH and like you I had always imagined that I was the strong coping type.
I certainly was during his years of illness and rapid decline at the end. And in a sense I know that I am still (quite) strong and yes, I suppose I am coping.
But I cry daily, often at the slightest thing and always when I walk up to his grave by the village church. I tell him how much I miss him and I apologise to him in my heart for all his suffering and for the sheer bloody unfairness of it all and my goodness yes I feel appallingly guilty that I now have the freedom to go out or visit family and friends in a way I could not while he was alive.
So yes, what you are saying is very understandable and those of us in the same situation would I think be lying if they said they did not recognise that.
So don’t beat yourself up about it. Don’t worry about the wider world, they can take you as you are or not st all.
I try to pin on a smile in public just because it can also lift me up for that short time and also because despite everything we have much to be grateful for.
You owe it to your late DH to live your life as best you can.
I admit though, that at the moment DH slipped away I could so easily have gone with him. And that is something I have not admitted to even our DDs who were around his bed with me.
Be gentle with yourself, it may have been 15 months but after years (a lifetime?) together, it is very early days.

I am so very sorry. I promise you If you hadn’t had the thought which is troubling you there would be another, I should have said this or done that, I shouldn’t hsve said this or said that, there would be something , it’s part of grief.

Be kind to yourself please x

Grannyben, I promise I speak to him daily, I say goodnight to him every night and tell him I love him, you're all very kind and I know one day at a time is the way, it's just so hard , I'm not by nature a negative person I'm just floundering with such strong and uncontrollable emotions at the moment

I am very sorry for you. Try Cruse. I know others have suggested it already. Grannyben's idea above might help you if you expressed your feelings aloud, whether or not you believe in an afterlife.

That's lovely advice, grannyben.
I might take it myself.

Totallylost, I am so very sorry for your loss and, the way you are now feeling. I have never been in your position so, cannot give advice from personal experience. However, I saw that you said if you could have had just half an hour to tell him that you loved him.
I truly believe that our loved ones walk beside us every day so why not take that half an hour now and tell him exactly how you feel.

Thank you everyone for listening ? I do know I'm not alone in my feelings and my hearts go out to you all as well, it's not an easy path we tread .

I think that feeling of wanting just a little bit more time is normal, too.
I think I would sell my soul just to have one hour more with my loved one, and we were prepared (or as much as you can pretend to be) for her death.
I'm sorry you're feeling so wretched.

Thank you so much for your responses , it's stupid isn't it because I'd be saying exactly the same as you all have to someone else, but can't tell myself the same. I know my darling man had a good death because it was so unbelievably fast ( within an hour) and so unexpected , so for him it was perfect , but omg for me ( being totally selfish I know) if I could have had maybe even half an hour to tell him I loved him.... Would it have made a difference I don't know

Totallylost, the advice and comments here reflect the similarity between your feelings and those of so many of us. There are so many platitudes printed in the media, about 'closure, moving on' and so on. Bereavement is always shocking and being grief stricken is one of the toughest places we can find ourselves. There is good advice here. I can only add be gentle with yourself, don't blame or criticise yourself. If you can, seek out some talking support x

Totallylost, so much kind, wise advice here. Definitely go gently on yourself, and live one day at a time. As others have said, there will be help for you here, and also by talking to organisations there to give advice. If you belong to a church, could you talk to your minister?

So sorry for your loss . I agree with the advice already given here. I finally went to bereavement counselling 10 years after the death of my DD and DH and it helped me a lot.

We talked there about the 7 stages of grieving: shock, denial, guilt, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Most people go through these stages but not necessarily in that order and often two or more feelings at the same time.

My advice would be to take one day at a time, look after yourself, take all the help that is offered and remember it will get better but it does take time.