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How do you cope

(32 Posts)
Totallylost Tue 11-Sep-18 17:25:00

I'm now15 months down the line , I just don't know how to cope or present myself to the wider world . Before my DH died I genuinely thought I'd be able to cope, I've always seen myself as a strong copable capable woman, so what the hell happened . His death was so unbelievably sudden to explain would definitely out me due to the extraordinary circumstances . My own guilt because of his mobility when I thought that m life would b so much easier without him is overwhelming , how do I say sorry , I didn't mean it. I know he'd say don't be silly, but I now also know he was a much nicer and better person than me . I miss him so much I just don't know what to do

ninathenana Tue 11-Sep-18 17:51:27

Sorry for your loss, I didn't want to 'read and run'

TwiceAsNice Tue 11-Sep-18 18:00:51

I'm very sorry for your loss. What you are describing is absolute grief at the moment and it's very hard to bear. Guilt is usually felt over something that we regret even if it wasn't our fault. Good people feel guilt because they care and these feelings are a huge part of grief. Would you consider contacting Cruse in your area and speaking to someone? They are a nationwide charity for bereavement counselling and support so hopefully there is a branch quite near you . I volunteered for them for many years. Caring for someone is exhausting and I'm sure you did the very best you could . Be kind to yourself and take things slowly 15 months is not very long at all.

Luckygirl Tue 11-Sep-18 18:14:31

I am so sorry that you are overwhelmed with these feelings at the moment, and hope that you might be able to take up the suggestion of contacting Cruse - you need someone to walk beside you at the moment.

We all feel guilty when someone dies, because none of us are perfect and cannot always think or feel the things that we wish we could have done.

Please come back on here whenever you want - there are many here who have walked this path before you or are struggling with the same emotions and can help. flowers

cornergran Tue 11-Sep-18 18:21:47

I'm so sorry totallylost, such a hard place to be. Each day must be such a struggle. I can only agree with others, please do consider Cruse, no worries there about outing yourself and someone to share your thoughts and feelings with. Please don't be afraid of judgement, you will be accepted just as you are.

Luckygirl is right, guilt seems to be a part of bereavement for the majority of people if not all. Its easy to look back and think what we didn't do, if you can please look back and remember what you were able to do. Caring for someone is exhausting physically and mentally and you are allowed human reactions.

I do understand your worry about outing yourself but please do come back and let people here support you as much as is possible. You don't have to give details, no one will ask. flowers

blossom14 Tue 11-Sep-18 18:25:25

Dear Totally Lost so sorry to hear how you feel. There is nothing wrong with being so grief stricken. I am sure you are a kind and thoughtful person yourself and it sounds as if you have gone through a really awful time and taking blame on yourself.
Do you have any family or friends to talk to? Is there a bereavement group nearby that you can get in contact with?
Please try to talk to someone or your doctor.
There are others here on this forum who have gone through lots of what you are experiencing.
Be gentle on yourself I am sure that is what you DH would have wanted.

paddyann Tue 11-Sep-18 18:33:33

Guilt and bereavement go hand in hand ,unfortunately nobody can tell us when in the cycle it will hit,but it will.Nothing anyone says will help,it will have to come from you when the time is right.I know I lived with awful guilt for years after my baby died at 4 days old.Doctors told me it wasn't anyones fault but it took time for me to believe them and come to terms with what had happened .You will get there ,it just takes time .Try not to think of the bad times and put happy memories in their place and remember that he loved you and wouldn't want you to feel this way .I hope it eases for you and that you can find something else to focus on and that will give you some peace .

kathsue Tue 11-Sep-18 18:50:09

So sorry for your loss flowers. I agree with the advice already given here. I finally went to bereavement counselling 10 years after the death of my DD and DH and it helped me a lot.

We talked there about the 7 stages of grieving: shock, denial, guilt, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Most people go through these stages but not necessarily in that order and often two or more feelings at the same time.

My advice would be to take one day at a time, look after yourself, take all the help that is offered and remember it will get better but it does take time.

Auntieflo Tue 11-Sep-18 18:56:03

Totallylost, so much kind, wise advice here. Definitely go gently on yourself, and live one day at a time. As others have said, there will be help for you here, and also by talking to organisations there to give advice. If you belong to a church, could you talk to your minister?

Iam64 Tue 11-Sep-18 19:03:52

Totallylost, the advice and comments here reflect the similarity between your feelings and those of so many of us. There are so many platitudes printed in the media, about 'closure, moving on' and so on. Bereavement is always shocking and being grief stricken is one of the toughest places we can find ourselves. There is good advice here. I can only add be gentle with yourself, don't blame or criticise yourself. If you can, seek out some talking support x

Totallylost Tue 11-Sep-18 19:20:45

Thank you so much for your responses , it's stupid isn't it because I'd be saying exactly the same as you all have to someone else, but can't tell myself the same. I know my darling man had a good death because it was so unbelievably fast ( within an hour) and so unexpected , so for him it was perfect , but omg for me ( being totally selfish I know) if I could have had maybe even half an hour to tell him I loved him.... Would it have made a difference I don't know

MissAdventure Tue 11-Sep-18 19:56:18

I think that feeling of wanting just a little bit more time is normal, too.
I think I would sell my soul just to have one hour more with my loved one, and we were prepared (or as much as you can pretend to be) for her death.
I'm sorry you're feeling so wretched.

Totallylost Tue 11-Sep-18 20:42:23

Thank you everyone for listening 💕 I do know I'm not alone in my feelings and my hearts go out to you all as well, it's not an easy path we tread .

Grannyben Tue 11-Sep-18 20:57:30

Totallylost, I am so very sorry for your loss and, the way you are now feeling. I have never been in your position so, cannot give advice from personal experience. However, I saw that you said if you could have had just half an hour to tell him that you loved him.
I truly believe that our loved ones walk beside us every day so why not take that half an hour now and tell him exactly how you feel.

MissAdventure Tue 11-Sep-18 21:08:16

That's lovely advice, grannyben.
I might take it myself.

Melanieeastanglia Tue 11-Sep-18 21:08:20

I am very sorry for you. Try Cruse. I know others have suggested it already. Grannyben's idea above might help you if you expressed your feelings aloud, whether or not you believe in an afterlife.

Totallylost Tue 11-Sep-18 21:58:37

Grannyben, I promise I speak to him daily, I say goodnight to him every night and tell him I love him, you're all very kind and I know one day at a time is the way, it's just so hard , I'm not by nature a negative person I'm just floundering with such strong and uncontrollable emotions at the moment

Anniebach Tue 11-Sep-18 22:20:13

I am so very sorry. I promise you If you hadn’t had the thought which is troubling you there would be another, I should have said this or done that, I shouldn’t hsve said this or said that, there would be something , it’s part of grief.

Be kind to yourself please x

MawBroon Tue 11-Sep-18 22:31:04

TotallyLost you have my sincerest ympathy and commiserations. It is exactly 10 months since I lost my DH and like you I had always imagined that I was the strong coping type.
I certainly was during his years of illness and rapid decline at the end. And in a sense I know that I am still (quite) strong and yes, I suppose I am coping.
But I cry daily, often at the slightest thing and always when I walk up to his grave by the village church. I tell him how much I miss him and I apologise to him in my heart for all his suffering and for the sheer bloody unfairness of it all and my goodness yes I feel appallingly guilty that I now have the freedom to go out or visit family and friends in a way I could not while he was alive.
So yes, what you are saying is very understandable and those of us in the same situation would I think be lying if they said they did not recognise that.
So don’t beat yourself up about it. Don’t worry about the wider world, they can take you as you are or not st all.
I try to pin on a smile in public just because it can also lift me up for that short time and also because despite everything we have much to be grateful for.
You owe it to your late DH to live your life as best you can.
I admit though, that at the moment DH slipped away I could so easily have gone with him. And that is something I have not admitted to even our DDs who were around his bed with me.
Be gentle with yourself, it may have been 15 months but after years (a lifetime?) together, it is very early days. flowers

Totallylost Wed 12-Sep-18 07:09:52

Thanks everyone, I know I'll come though this , I'm just having a few down days, those who've been through this will understand, it's just so lovely to be able to come on this forum and say stuff that no one will judge , even stupid things like is he ok, who's helping him put his socks on.......all total nonsense I know, but all part of our 40 years.

Alygran Wed 12-Sep-18 07:38:21

Totallylost so sorry for your loss. My DH died a year ago this week. I understand your feelings.
Do I cope? Well I get by day to day, the love and care of family and friends supports me. That was so evident this week.
I think it was on GN I read that ‘this isn’t the life I want but it’s the one I’ve got so I have to so somehow make it work’ I try to do that every day as I know that is what he would want.
I hope you have people around you for support. Be kind to yourself flowers

OldMeg Wed 12-Sep-18 08:19:00

Hang on in there Totallylost; times when you feel lost and overwhelmed by your feelings are completely normal. The loss of a loved one is the worst grief you can experience. If it was sudden or traumatic that can make it harder to ‘accept’ and it can block out all the memories of the good times.

Keep posting in the bad times 💐❣️

OldMeg Wed 12-Sep-18 08:19:41

And 💐to all those others in the same situation

Pippa000 Wed 12-Sep-18 10:08:14

I lost my husband in January, two weeks before a big family weekend away to celebrate my 70th. He died suddenly and unexpectedly in his sleep in the night following a lovely family day out at the pantomime. I found him when I went to wake him with a cup of tea. (he was in the spare room because my coughing was keeping him awake)

On my birthday my daughter in law gave me a beautiful note book, and that night I started writing to him, just as I did every evening when we were first married and he was away, he was in the Army and in the 70's often away for months at a time. I tell him about my day, what the family has done, exactly what I would have written about all those years ago. I am now on book 2 about to start book three. I don't know how long I will continue to do this but it does help me come to terms with him not actually being with me, I like to think that although he may never actually read what I have written perhaps somewhere in the great cosmos he knows how much he still and always will mean to me.

Totallylost Wed 12-Sep-18 11:41:19

Oh pippa000 what a lovely idea. My man passed away on the weekend of our Ruby wedding anniversary, all the guests were starting to arrive for a big do in the evening followed by a family BBQ the next day on our actual 40th . Much to a lot of people's disapproval I went ahead with both parties in his honour, no it's not what he would have wanted , he would have wanted t be there but it's what he would have expected of me . I think maybe because of the trauma , I even gave him cpr and brought him back for a short while until the air ambulance arrived, I've still not completely accepted he's not coming home. Although we're treading a well worn path it has no map so we just muddle through.
Sorry if I've over shared , I do appreciate everyone's thoughts and your individual stories have helped me to share mine .💕💕 love t you all