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Which way to turn?

(19 Posts)
debohunXL5 Sun 23-Sep-18 16:15:35

Hi its me again. I do go through other GNs threads but all comments are already said so I do not usually contribute. As usual this thread is all about me. It has now been one year today since myself and my DH have seen our GC. We have had no contact whatsoever and we have learned that they have moved from the house SIL was renting as long ago as April and therefore have not received any of our correspondence. It was my GS's birthday this month. We sent him a card via a friend that lives near them and she has sent us a note to say that she did give him the card. She says that SIL'S family have put their lives on hold for him and the children. Isn't that what family do? We put out lives on hold for 7 years supporting our daughter and her children as it was like she was a single parent with the non existent presence of SIL. We were happy to do it we would have gone on supporting SIL and children if he had llet us. DH had a heart attack 2 weeks ago and although now out of hospital he is still not well. I am sure it has been the stress of not seeing GC and GS especially on his birthday. Does any one know if the law has changed yet as to grandparent's rights? We know the procedure of mediation, applying to the Court etc., to get access but apart from being costly we know my SIL will be as awkward as he can even if we win access. At the moment I don't think my DH is up to the stress of it all. He says to try and forget about the children that they will seek us out when they are older. I think the damage will be done by then and who is to say if we will still be on this earth then. GC are still very young. Sorry for ranting again. Somehow it helps to say something. sad

lemongrove Sun 23-Sep-18 17:14:42

I think your DH is right.Do not go down any ‘courts’ route.
Sadly, if the children are not allowed to see you by the parents, it would be a mistake to force things for all concerned.
Your DH is now your priority, we don’t live forever!

debohunXL5 Sun 23-Sep-18 17:22:31

Thanks for your comments lemongrove. My DD has passed away therefore it is only my SIL preventing us from seeing the children. Plus his family. I made a promise to my dying DD that I would look after her children. sad

oldbatty Sun 23-Sep-18 17:27:31

this seems a very sad and complicated situation. Can you get some professional help to unravel some of this and work out a way forward?

MissAdventure Sun 23-Sep-18 17:58:05

I remember your original post, debohun, or the gist of it.
I haven't got any knowledge of where you could get help, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry things are no further forward.

debohunXL5 Sun 23-Sep-18 17:59:25

It cost us over £200:00 just to send one letter to SIL via a Solicitor. Just to find out if he still retained our DD's ashes. She had left instructions in her Will. It will cost us around £10:000 for us to take him to Court to try and get access granted to our GC.

debohunXL5 Sun 23-Sep-18 18:28:46

Thank you MissAdventure. I am following you on GN and you come accross as a very nice and understanding person despite having your own problems you share the love. smile

MissAdventure Sun 23-Sep-18 18:31:25

smile Oh that's nice.
Thank you! smile

Starlady Sat 29-Sep-18 16:21:57

My heart goes out to you and dh, debohhun. How painful to lose your dd and now, to lose access to your gc on top of that! Hugs!

I think dh is right, though, and that you should wait till gc are old enough to reach out to you. Not only would a court case be costly, but there's no guarantee you would win. Nor is there anything they can do about sil being "awkward" around you.

Chances are, he moved away to try to start a new life. I imagine he chose to be near his parents and get their help because he feels more comfortable that way. If and when he brings a new woman into his life, he may not feel he should have his late wife's family around. I just hope, eventually, when he gets himself sorted, he'll let the gc reach out to you. Only time, of course, will tell.

I don't see why he would do any "damage," such as talking against you and dh, unless you pressure him for contact. So I think there's a strong chance the gc will look you up later on. I know it's a long time to wait, though, and it may not happen. Once again, so sorry.

Patsy70 Sat 29-Sep-18 17:00:07

I'm afraid I have no words of wisdom or professional advice for you, debohun. I can't understand why your sil would not wish you to have contact with your gc, especially after losing your dd. I only hope that your dh recovers well from his heart attack. Are the gc living very far from you? I think, if I wasn't able to have contact with them, I would write letters and cards and buy them small birthday & Christmas gifts to keep in a special box for them when you do see them. It would be a form of therapy for you. In the meantime, sending you a big hug.

silverlining48 Sat 29-Sep-18 19:53:04

Perhaps now is the time to concentrate on your dh recovery. It’s only two weeks since his heart attack. So much pressure, hard to bear. Maybe write a short note to let sil know? Do you have any contact with his family. ? Surely they would understand how you feel?
You have been through a terrible time, i hope in time things work out with your grandchildren and their father but for now take care of yourself and your husband.

debohunXL5 Fri 05-Oct-18 15:15:11

Thank you everyone for your kind messages. I know for my husband's sake I should just forget them but my DD's voice keeps ringing in my ears to look after them. I feel I have let her down. Sleepless nights and still trying to keep working I feel so tired all the time. I sometimes wish I was with my DD but I know my husband needs me and it would be devastating for my other children and GC. My D has a twin sister and she has two C so I have to keep going for their sake. How has it come to this?

MissAdventure Fri 05-Oct-18 17:00:20

None of it is your doing, debohun.
I can understand how you must feel, but you've not let your daughter down.
The person who has let her, and you, and those children down is your son in law.
Your hands are tied, since he is keeping them away from you.
It really pees me off that grandparents have so few rights, when they've done nothing to deserve being cut out, but it does seem that this is how things stand for now.
I'm so sorry, I don't know what to say... It must feel like another bereavement x

debohunXL5 Fri 05-Oct-18 18:43:30

It does MissAdventure, We have lost our daughter and lost our GC. I just hate the idea that they may think we don't care about them anymore We wonder what SIL is telling them as to why we are not seeing them. Thank you for your concern though it is much appreciate.

MissAdventure Fri 05-Oct-18 19:10:18

I can't even begin to imagine your anguish.
Its awful enough that time moves on and our child is gone, and there is nothing we can do..
I'm rambling, because I wish I had some wise words to comfort you a bit. I don't though.

NanKate Fri 05-Oct-18 19:18:48

I feel for you Debo especially as you have lost your DD.

We are walking on eggshells not to upset our soon to be ex DinL as we want to be able to see our DGSs when they are with her. She has taken against my DH so I am now the only link.

But enough of me and mine as your situation is just awful. My suggestion would be to find out, if you don’t know, where the other grandparents live and try and get them to initially let you have some access. Explain how sad and distraught you are. You may have tried this method but you could say your DH has been seriously ill and he wants to see the children.

It is unfair, unkind and totally cruel to treat you in this way. But I suggest you go down the softly softly route rather than spend big time money on a Court procedure.

Best of luck.

debohunXL5 Sat 06-Oct-18 12:35:02

Thank you NanKate. Unfortunately we are unable to correspond with our GC through the other GPs. His family have written to us after we sent the GC Easter cards and they wrote back to us to not correspond with the GCs at their address again. The only person that we can communicate with the GC through is SIL's friend's mother. She did pass on our birthday card to our GS but she is elderly and has a husband who is suffering with dementia and we are putting her in an awkward situation as SIL does not want any communication from us at all. He obviously does want to move on with his life. He already has a girlfriend which he met only 5 months after my daughter died. SIL's friend's Mum says his family have put their lives on hold for him and the children. Isn't that what family do? Isn't that what we did for 7 years as SIL did not have much to do with his own children when my daughter was alive. We helped with childcare and saw GC most days despite my working full time. (which we loved doing and was willing to carry on to support SIL before he moved 3 hours away from us. Something he promised my daughter he would never do) None of his family work apart from one brother. SIL's Uncle and two brothers live with their mum. They all support him in his decision not to allow us any contact with GC. But what about the children. They do want to see us, when my other DD went to see them in february GS asked her to take him to us but daddy said NO. I am sure DGS knows his daddy is keeping us from him. DGD is younger and bless her probably doesn't understand why she doesn't see her nanny and granddad any more. Goodness knows what he is telling them. DD has no contact with SIL and GC and neither do my two sons. He has cut all my DD's family off from thre children. Sorry for going on and on and on.

debohunXL5 Sat 06-Oct-18 12:37:45

Off to work now. sad

debohunXL5 Sat 06-Oct-18 12:43:03

Nankate, I'm sorry you are going through something similar to my children. They were treading on eggshells with SIL until he cut them off completely. Despite SIL bad lmouthing me they kept their cool and empathised with him but he still found an excuse to cut them all off. I really hope that doesn't happen to you. The strain must be terrible. flowers